


Fresh Start

by lydiamxrtin



Category: Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Malec, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, not for the light hearted this is angsty, slow burn Alec Lightwood/Magnus Bane, tagging jace as 'wayland' because he isn't related to the lightwoods in this story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-24
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-05-28 17:04:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 109,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6337687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lydiamxrtin/pseuds/lydiamxrtin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After struggling to cope with the demons within him, 18-year-old Alec Lightwoods moves to New York to attend New York University and escape his past and make a fresh start. While navigating a new school and new relationships, Alec finds escaping his demons and old life is harder than he thought, will Alec be able to use his new relationships to help him or will his demons ultimately swallow him whole, destroying everything Alec has worked so hard to build.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. New Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fic for Shadowhunters and I'm super excited for you guys to see it! Like always feel free to comment!
> 
> \- A

**September 2016**

Alec's leg bounced up and down in the back of the cab, his fingers play nervously with the hem of his black sweater, he shifted in the uncomfortable leather seat, turning his head to face the steamy window. Small drops of water raced down the window, crashing into each other. He shifted again in his seat, moving his hands to rub his neck. Alec took in a large breath, holding it for a few seconds before letting it out, a relaxing technique Isabelle had taught him. Alec looked forward in the cab, trying to make out where he was, the driver; a older man, caught Alec's eye line in the mirror, Alec quickly looked away, turing to face the water droplets again. After a few seconds the cab came to a sudden stop, Alec reached into his faded black jeans, pulling out his wallet to pay the driver. Alec stood out of the car, stretching his limbs as he did, the long car ride coming back to haunt him. Making his way to the trunk of the car Alec grabbed his suitcase. Giving the driver a finale wave, he turned around to see his new living accommodation. Most of the morning had been spent registering and getting a mountain of leaflets about the University. Alec walked down the road towards the entrance. Surrounding him were parents and children saying goodbye, tearful hugs and kisses. Alec felt something in his chest, he tore his eyes away and looked to the floor walking into the building. Alec made his way to the lift and got in, closing the door before anyone else could enter. Once inside, Alec rested his head against the wall behind him. He sighed, closing his eyes. Today was a fresh start, he kept repeating it over and over again in his head, a chance to start a new. Alec wasn't sure if he was saying it remind himself or because he was still convincing himself. A part of Alec wished he had taken the stairs, the close intimate space of the lift causing Alec to feel anxious, his chest rising and failing quicker than usual. The elevator binged and the doors opened. Alec quickly opened his eyes and grabbed his bag, exciting the lift. He made his way down the hall, looking for his room number.

112 - Nope

Alec was hoping that by some miracle his new roommate had deiced to drop of of enrollments at the last minute allowing Alec to have the room to himself.

114- Nope

He knew it was a foolish wish, he had been dreading this part, having to share a room with someone else, a stranger. Someone he didn't know or trust. The last time he had shared a room was when he was a child, him and Izzy had shared a bedroom for a month while Izzy's room was getting redone. He didn't mind sharing with Izzy, but she was his sister and a lot had changed since then. Alec flinched involuntary, his hand balling into a fist. He reminded himself that this was a fresh start, meaning no reference to...it.

116 - Yes

The door to the room was propped open by a small metal bin. Alec peaked his head into the room. The room appeared quite large, his farther spared no expenses on Alec education, more for his benefit than Alec's. On one side of the room was a double bed, covered in plain sheets. Next to the bed was a small desk, enough room for a laptop and some books. On the other side was a cupboard and some draws. On the other side was a semiotical layout. The only difference being a large black suitcase opened on the bed, clothes spread on the bed and in open draws, the once plain walls covered in pictures.

"Hey!" A loud voice causes Alec to tare his eyes from the bed. Appearing from the rooms en suit was a boy, the same age as Alec. He had golden blond hair that was swept behind him, a few lose strands falling into his face. He was shorter than Alec; which Alec was use to by now, but the boy was still built, his short sleeved white shirt revealing his muscles. "You okay buddy?" The voice spoke up again, the boy walking forward towards Alec.

"Yeah, sorry" Alec muttered back his reply before turning around and grabbing his case, pulling them into the room. He made his way over the empty bed and pulled the half empty case on top of it. Alec hadn't brought much with him, a few clothes, some books but nothing else, he didn't want to bring much from home. He opened the case and started to take out his clothes deciding where he would put them.

"I hope you don't mind but I kinda grabbed this side?" The blond boy spoke up again, Alec sighed, clearly this boy was trying to made conversation, Alec really wasn't in the mood for small talk.

"No thats fine" Alec replied, giving a small shake of his head. He turned around and open the cupboard, hanging up a few shirts and jumpers. He opened the draw next to him and placed a few sweaters into the top draw, closing it again,

"I'm Jace by the way" The blond boy was moving over towards Alec, standing at the foot of his bed  "Jace Wayland" He reached his hand out towards Alec, Alec took a breath and reached his hand out, lightly gripping the blond boys hand; whom he know knew was called Jace.

"I'm Alec" He lightly shook Jace's hand, giving a small half smile "Alec-" He stopped mid sentence. The Lightwood name was a well known one in the Law Community, having your farther being one of the best Criminal Defences Attorney came with a price. People made pre-judgements. This was a fresh start. 

"Alec Alec?" Jace gave a small chuckle as he released Alec's hand, crossing his arms over his chest. Not in a aggressive or defences way that Alec has seen so much growing up.

"No" Alec found himself giving a small laugh aswell "Just Alec" He was sure his last name would come out eventually, it always did but for now he would be Alec, not the son of Robert Lightwood/

"Well nice to meet you Alec" Jace gave a smile before turning around and walking towards his bed. Alec watched as the boy continued to unpack his clothes. It was odd. Most people gave up on Alec after a few words, his blunt manner to much for people to handle. Jace seemed different, like he wanted to be Alec's friend. Alec turned around to face his draw, he shock his head. He was getting ahead of himself, he had known Jace for all of four seconds, sure Jace might like him know but how would he feel if he knew the truth. Alec cursed himself, just the thought of it brought back memories Alec had spent the last year trying to push out of his head to no avail. Alec breathed in, holding it. This ‘relaxing breathing technique’ was utter shit. It never relaxed him but when he did it he thought of Izzy and that relaxed him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**_ Two Months Ago _ **

_“Breath In and- no Alec you actually have to breath in I didn’t spend four hours researching for nothing.” Izzy sat crossed legged on Alec's bed, half opened boxes spread around the new room. Her face was scrunched up in annoyance._

_“Izzy" Alec gave a large sigh from the bathroom, splashing water onto his face. "I really don’t think this is necessary-“ Alec wiped his face with a small towel coming back out into the room moving a box as he passed._

_“Hold it for-Alec?!" Izzy's raised her voice, throwing a small cushion from the bed in Alec's direction. Alec caught the pillow before walking over to the bed and sitting down beside Izzy, one leg hanging off the edge "Okay so hold it for 5…4…3…2…1… " As Izzy spoke, Alec closed his eyes, he knew this wasn't to work, he had his own methods to cope with the pain. "Okay then out again." Alec opened his eyes to see Izzy staring at him, her eyes filled with worry. "Its meant to clear your head and help you to relax"_

_Alec couldn't help but smile, the past year had been... the worse in Alec's life and but he was glad he had Izzy “Thanks Izzy” He reached out and squeezed her hand standing up to carry on unpacking his new room._

_“There loads of other ways it says you can relax do you want me to print them off? Izzy_ _clambered off Alec's bed walking over to her brother, love and concern in her eyes._

_“I’ll be fine Izzy, really” Alec had his back facing Izzy, putting shirts into the cupboard._

_“You might need them when you leave-” A hint of betrayal in her voice, a twinge of guilt formed in Alec's stomach._

_He turned around to have Izzy, giving her a soft smile “I’ll be okay” Alec quickly turn around the hide the uncertainty in his face._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Alec?” Jace’s voice pulled him from his memory, he turned around to see Jace hovering in the bathroom door a concerned look on his face, his brow furrowed.

“hm?" Alec must have been in his memory longer than he thought, Jace having already unpacked most of his things.

“I said I’m going to grab a quick shower if thats okay?” Jace had a soft look on his face, a slight hint of concern. Alec quickly tore his eyes from Jace, not wanting the concern from this stranger. Alec gave a quick nod before turning around and counting to put clothes in the draw. 

"Okayyy" Jace gave a small chuckle before the sound of the bathroom door locking was the only sound in the room. Alec gave a large sigh, his head lolling backwards. He forgot how hard it was to make small talk with people. Over the break before University Alec had spent the time revising and trying to get ahead of the class, Izzy had tried to get Alec to meet new people, find out who was going to New York University with him. Alec walked back over to his bed, getting the last remaining clothes out of the case. 

Alec felt his breath hitch, like a lump of ice had grown in his chest. A small silver frame laid at the bottom of the case, along the bottom the words 'Family' written in swirly writing. Alec reached in to the case and carefully picked up the frame. For the last year the picture had lived; under Alec's bed, in his cupboard and in his draw, anywhere it was out of sight. Alec was unsure what prompted him to take the photo with him, Alec stared down at the three small innocent faces looking up at him, he felt a lump start to form in his throat, water started to prick the side of his eyes, he cursed under is breath. It was the first day of his 'fresh start' and Alec was already screwing up. He looked back down at the photo, his thumb lovingly brushing over the faces. He wished he could go back, he remembered how the three of them were; full of promise, hope, always smiling. Then Alec had ruined it. He took a large breath and placed the photo down on the bed wiping his hands down his face rubbing the back of his neck. Alec heard movement from the bathroom, he quickly reached down and placed the photo back in the case, closing the top. 

Jace stepped out of the bathroom wearing a pair of black jeans, a dark short sleeved blue top. His hair had been slicked back.

"Hey so you wanna go grab some lunch or something" Jace was pulling his empty suitcase off his bed, pushing it underneath. He turned around to face Alec, a warm smile on his face "I haven't eaten since this morning and could defiantly go for a burger?" The boy had a friendly presence to him. Alec had only known him for a few minutes but could tell a lot about him. He clearly liked people, was a bit character. Jace's side of the room was covered in pictures; friends, family, Alec imagined him being popular in school, the kinda boys Alec hated.  "I mean were going to be roommates we should get to any each other right?" The boy walked towards Alec. Instinctively Alec retreated, taking a step back to create distances between him and Jace. Jace paused, seeming to understand.

"I actually had something to eat this morning but thanks for the offer" Alec gave a fake smile, one he had perfected over the year. Jace give Alec a disappointed smile, but not pushing the boy any further. Alec appreciated it, he had spent the last year being poked and prodded by questions; are you okay? Whats wrong? Do you want to talk about it? 

Jace was about to exit the room when Alec spoke up "Actually, I could go for a coffee?"

Jace gave Alec a small smile, seemingly surprised by Alec's change of heart, "Great, apparently there is a burger place on campus?" With that the boys left the room, Jace locking up as they left. Alec didn't know what made him change his mind, there was just something about Jace, most of Alec's friends were picked for him, his farther making sure they were 'appropriate' and wouldn't tarnish the 'Lightwood' name. Jace was different, he didn't know who Alec's dad was, he wasn't just trying to get close to him to get a intern job or get information. Alec didn't trust people easily, he had reason not to but Jace felt different, he hoped he wasn't wrong.

The pair walked into campus finding the burger joint easily. The ground floor was flooded with people, everyone grabbing food and chatting with friends. Alec and Jace sat on a small wooden table in the centre of the restaurant, dozens of tables surrounded them, each filled with people. Jace was tucking into his burger, clearly enjoying it. Alec had just ordered a black coffee, his appetite never really returned after-

"Alec?" Alec snapped out of his thought, Jace was staring at him, a hint of worry in his eyes.

Alec shock his head looking down at the table, running his hands through his jet black hair "Yeah, sorry I was-?"

"Its alright, you do that a lot you know that?" Jace's tone was light and playful, clearly trying to joke "Got a lot on your mind?" Alec looked up at Jace, he had finished his burger and was picking at the last of his fries. Alec gave a little shake of his head and looked back down at the table, he began to stir his coffee his eyes fixated on the liquid. Suddenly Alec became aware of how many people were around, it was as if someone had turned up the volume, increasing it to max. Alec used his free hand to rub the back of his neck, trying to calm himself down.

"So where did you come from then?" Jace questioned, his mouth filled with fries.

"Washington D.C, you?" Alec looked around the ground floor, it seemed the amount of people there had doubled. Alec hated crowds, he felt like he was being trapped or caged. Alec could feel people moving behind him, there bags hitting his chair.

"Born and raised in New York" Jace looked up and gave Alec a smile, clearly enjoying his fries.  "What you taking?

Alec could feel panic starting to stir in his chest, he hadn't been in a group of people this large since- "Umm Criminal Law" Alec quickly replied before his mind could wonder to far.

"Shit, heard thats a hard course! I'm taking History" Alec could hear Jace talking, rambling about lessons and teachers, he was like Izzy in that way, liked to talk. Maybe thats why Alec trusted him, he had a familiarly to him. He tried to focus on what Jace was saying but the noise of the people was to loud, Alec brought his hand up to his face, rubbing his temples to try and soothe his growing headache.  "Hey Alec are you alright?" Alec raised his head to see Jace staring at him, his eyebrow furrowed like Izzy's was when she was partially worried about Alec. A sudden loud crash from a few tables away caused Alec to jump in his seat, his eyes squeezing shut. Alec quickly shock his head and stood up from the table, his chair screeching as he did so. 

"I should really get going, still got stuff to unpack, thanks for the coffee, I'll see you later" Alec quickly rushed his excuses and placed a $5 bill on the table for his coffee, he franticly turned around and pushed his way through the tables. He could hear Jace calling after him, but Alec pushed forward needing to leave the crowed prison. Alec pushed open the double doors and tumbled out into the campus, the fresh air instantly relaxing him. Alec moved away from the still crowed campus and started to walk down the street, his nerves still on edge. Alec didn't now where he was going, he had visited New York a couple times before but didn't know his way about, he just needed to leave the crowed area. Alec continued walking for a few minutes, his headache slowly fading into a small throb. As he walked down the street he noticed a small cafe, the front was made up of two large windows the words 'dolce' across in fancy writing. Inside was a hand fall of people, six or seven at max. Alec wasn't sure what persuaded him to go inside but something did. Alec pushed the large doors open and walked inside, the smell of fresh coffee and pastries filled Alec's nose, his muscles started to relax. He walked over to the back of the Café and took a seat on a small leather sofa chair, a small coffee table in front, and a symmetrical sofa chair opposite. Alec's head rolled onto the back of the chair looking up at the celling. He took a breath and held it. Alec's hand reached into his pocket, pulling out his phone. His held lulled forward, looking down at his phone. Alec paused for a moment before hitting speed dial 1. The phone rang for a moment before a loud shriek caused him to almost drop his phone

"ALECCC!" Izzy's voice was loud and clearly excited, Alec could imagine her jumping up and down like she did when she was a kid.

"Okay, so I think I may be deaf" Alec give a small chuckle and shot his head, using his free hand to rub his ear.

"Oh shut up, so how is New York? Tell me everything!" Alec 

"Its-its good thanks"

"Hows your roommate? are they okay? if there not I'm sure dad could-" Alec felt himself tense at the mention of his father, quickly interrupting Izzy before she could carry on.

"There fine Izzy, we actually went out and grabbed some lunch" He decided to leave out the part where he bolted because he couldn't handle a crowd. Alec felt himself cringe at how pathetic he sounded. 

"Thats great Alec!" Alec could hear the relief in Izzy's voice, she clearly being as nervous as Alec was about the roommate.

"Yeah, so hows everything with you then? Hows school?" Alec preferred to listen to Izzy, her enthusiasm about life giving him a chance to escape. 

"Okay, interning at the hospital in the evening and schools boring as usual" Like there mother, Izzy was training to be a doctor, following the family tradition. Although she wouldn't admit it herself Izzy was extremely smart and was set to be on course to attend Yale, just like mother. "So tell me about your roommate?" Izzy was wise to Alec's tricks, changing the subject back towards him.

"His names Jace, he's alright I guess" Alec shock his head lightly, slightly cringing at his behaviour earlier. Alec looked around the Café, a few more people had entered but the majority were sat at the front, keeping away from Alec. He looked over to the barista who was mindlessly cleaning glasses.

"Is he cute?" Alec's head instantly snapped away, looking straight forward and large frown appearing on his face. 

"What? Why? why would-" Alec could feel his face starting to heat up, a unsettling feeling rising in his stomach. Alec started to look around him, knowing it was illogically for anyone to have over heard the conversation but unable to stop himself. 

"What? It was just a question" Izzy's voice was playful and Alec knew what that tone meant, he breathed a slight sigh of relief.

"Isabelle no, uh uh, not happening, he's 18!" Alec leaned back on the chair, looking up at the white celling.

"I didn't say-wait hold on a second" Alec could hear movement from the other side then a large sigh from his sister "-I've got a incoming call from dad" Alec copied his sisters sigh, squeezing his eyes shut for a second.

"Its fine, I'll call you back later-" Alec knew Izzy wanted to continue talking to Alec but the stress of the day was finally starting to catch up with him.

"No Alec its fine, dad can wait!" Izzy's voice had a hint of desperation to it, not wanting to leave her brother. 

"I've got stuff to do anyway, I'll call you later Izzy" Alec leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees resting his head in one of his hands the other still holding the phone.

"Love you Alec" Her voice was soft, a hint of sadness.

"Love you to Izzy" Alec pulled the phone away from his face, hanging up. Alec was so engrossed in the object in his hand he failed to notice the man stood behind the sofa in front of him

"Is this sofa taken?" Alec's head wiped up. Stood in front of Alec was a young man, probably the same age as Alec but slightly shorter. He wore a pair of skinny black jean, the pockets embed with jewels. His top was lose fitting a dark maroon colour, the top few buttons undone exposing his chest, he wore a hand full of necklaces, each a different colour and shape. Like Alec, his hair was jet black like a crow. Alec couldn't help but be drawn to his eyes, a light brown colour, almost a yellow, it reminded Alec of cats eyes. His eyes were surrounded in gold glitter, some of it falling onto his checks. Alec couldn't help but stare at the man, his heart beating slightly faster than usual. The man gave Alec a smirk, looking Alec up and down, suddenly Alec felt very under dressed. Alec quickly became aware that he hadn't replied to the strange man, he opened his mouth to reply but found his mouth vacant of moisture.

"Ermm, uh" Alec was suddenly lost for words, every word he had ever learn flying out of his brain, what was going on.

"Well now it is" The man replied playfully, he walked round the chair and sat down, crossing one leg over the other, his ankle resting on his knee. "I'm Magnus, Magnus Bane" The mans voice was silky a obvious confidence to it, Alec continued to look at the man, notices a dark maroon nail polish covering his nails, more jewellery adorning his hands "And I'm assuming you have a name?" The man leaned back in the chair, his arms resting on either side of the chair

"Alec" His voice came out breathy, Alec quickly took his eyes away from Magnus choosing to look at the far more interesting wooden table in front of him.

Magnus paused for a second, seemingly trying to decide what to say "Is that short for anything?"

This time it was Alec who paused. He never used his full name, it having to many painful memories attached to it, "Alexander" he replied quietly, he cringed at how weak his voice sounded.

"Well then Alexander, its lovely to meet you" Alec raised his head from the table, Magnus was still in the same position, he was looking at Alec, his cat like eyes bright an full of life. "So what course are you taking?"

"What?" Alec fully raised his head, making eye contact with Magnus.

"Course? you know what people do at university?" His voice was laced with sarcasm, but not aggressive, more playful.

"How-how did you know?-" Alec sucked in a breath trying to regain control of his speech, before he could carry on Magnus spoke up, leaning forward on his seat.

"That you go to university? Well one your wearing a 'New York University' sticker on your sweater" Alec looked down at his black sweater, a large purple sticker in the middle of his chest, Alec cursed the woman who persuaded him to put it one, he quickly reached his hand up and ripped the sticker off, scrunching it into a ball. "and the other reason I know is because the only cute people around here go to the university" 

Alec felt his whole face heating up, he looked down at his lap, his thumb rubbing the palm of his other hand "I uhh, umm-"

"Your very adorable when you stutter you know that" The man was tilted his head to the side, his mouth opening to expose a set of perfect white teeth, the mans lips had the smallest hint of glitter on them, a bright gold, matching his eyes.

"I-I should be going" Alec quickly stood up, his knee hitting the table on the way. "I've got-got stuff to unpack-"

"But Alexander, we've just met, there's plenty more I'd like to know about you darling" Magnus leaned back on his chair, gesturing to the sofa Alec was seated on. Alec paused, looking at the stranger, Magnus cocked his head towards the empty seat, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

"I've got to go, sorry" Alec didn't have the energy to come up with a clever lie, his brain still confused as to what had just happened. As Alec left the shop he realised that his breathing had significantly increased. He walked down the street back towards his apartment wanting to get into bed and forget the day had happened. 

It had taken Alec less than ten minutes to get back to the apartment. He quickly climbed the stairs not wanting to deal with the lift. As he opened the door from the stairs he noticed a swarm of people in the corridor door. Alec swore under his breath making his way to his room which was at the end. He kept his head and and walked through the crowd. Everyone and laughing and joking, obviously a group of people that already know each other and other people who just want to join in. Alec felt his palms becoming sweaty, he quickly wiped them on his jeans and walked forward. Alec could see his door, he breathed a sigh of relief, the amount of contact between him and the strangers becoming to much. Alec raced towards the door and quickly pulled his key from his pocket, unlocking the door and frantically closing it behind him. Alec rested his forehead against the door trying to relax his breathing. 5...4...3-

"Hey!" Alec quickly spun around to find the source of the noise, "Whoa, its okay its just me!" Jace held his hands up in front of him, the boy looked incredibly worried. His eyes trailing up and down his body, still wearing a face of concern. Alec had seen this before, it was something Izzy would do. It was then Alec realised why Jace looked so worried. Alec had instinctively backed up against the dorm room door, like a scared animal, his hands bulled up into tight fists, his knuckles going white from the pressure. Alec pushed himself off the door and walked over to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. He went over to the tap, turning it on. Alec watched as the water flowed from the tap, little droplets splashing out of the sink and hitting Alec on the face. He shoved his hands into the icy water and cupped some, bringing it to his face. The water ran down Alec's face and down his neck. He pulled his hands down and gripped the sink edge trying to regain his breathing. 

"Hey Alec, are you okay in there?" The voice came from right outside the room, although the door wasn't locked, Jace made no attempt to open it and Alec was thankful.

"I'm fine Jace" He didn't sound as convincing as he would of liked. Alec hadn't been around so many people in a long time and he had forgotten how difficult it was. He leaned more heavily on the sink. He scrunched his face up, he hated it. He hated this feeling, like he had no control of what was happening.

"You sure? Should I get a someone or-" He could hear movement from the other side, like Jace was moving away from the door.

"No! I'm fine!" His reply came out more harsh than he attended but the thought of a crowd of people gathering in the room made Alec want to be sick. There was no response from Jace, Alec gave a sigh of relief. He looked down into the sink, water droplets making there way down the white porcelain. Alec took a few more breaths before drying his face with the small towel. He reached for the door handle, taking one more breath before pulling on the handle and walking out of the bath room. When he came back into the room he saw Jace seated on the edge of his bed, his legs hanging over.

"You good?" The boys blue eyes were wide, looking at Alec with worry. Alec quickly turned away and walked towards his draw grabbing a pair of joggers and a plain long sleeved grey top before walking back over to the bathroom.

"Yeah just-just been a long day" He opened the door and went inside, leaning his head against the door. He quickly took of his jeans throwing them onto the floor. He lifted up his sweater throwing it to the floor, Alec breathed for a moment before picking up the grey top and placing it over his head. He gathered up his clothes and left the bathroom, throwing them onto the floor by his bed. Alec looked over to Jace's side, the boy was in the same position as he was, still watching Alec with a worried looked.

"I'm okay Jace, its just been a stressful day" His voice sounded tired and he hoped Jace would let it go as he wasn't in the mood to argue with his new roommate. He looked over at the boy, his face unchanging. Finally it appeared that had given in. He gave Alec a reassuring smile before moving off the bed to grab his own sleeping clothes. Alec laid down on on his bed looking up at the celling. He felt the stress of the day washing over him. Alec had convinced himself that this was a fresh start, a part of Alec was still convinced this was true, lived in the hope that a new city and new school would change everything that happened over the last year. However there was another part of Alec, one the he had tried to keep repressed for the last few months. Despite his efforts this little voice had still managed to creep into his mind; moving to a new school and city would change nothing, it wouldn't undone the damage done, it would change what Alec did. He pulled the covers back and crawled into the bed. He reached over to his desk and grabbed his phone, setting an alarm for his morning class. As he laid back in the bed he rolled onto his back looking up at the white celling closing his eyes.

Alec had sworn to himself this would be a new beginning, but if today was anything to go by it seemed to be the same story with a different name. 


	2. Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two, hope you guys like it!
> 
> Note: I know at the moment there isn't much malec interaction but trust me the next chapters will make up for that!
> 
> -A

The incessant beep of the alarm clock pulled Alec from his sleep. Rolling over on his bed he grabbed his phone checking the time; 7:00. Alec groaned before sitting up in bed, the sheets falling into his lap. He reached up and rubbed his eyes, running his hand through his hair. Alec didn't have class until 8:30am but wanted to shower and get ready before Jace woke up, his classes starting later than Alec. Peeling back the covers Alec carefully swung his legs over the bed, leaning over to his drawers and grabbed a long sleeved grey baggy sweatshirt and a pair of black jeans. He tiptoed towards the bathroom and quietly opened the door shutting it after him. He shuffled over to the sink and paused; dark bags had gathered under Alec's eyes his skin a pale colour. Alec looked up and caught his blue eyes in the mirror, he quickly shut them and looked away. Alec hadn't slept particularly well the night before, a new bed and a stranger in the room did not help his stress levels. Alec pulled off his PJ's and jumped into the shower. The warm water instantly decreasing his anxiety, abet only slightly. Alec rubbed a hand down his face, today was the first day of lessons. He immediately felt his stress level shoot up; classes meant people, and lots of them. Alec gave a large sigh before stepping out of the shower. He picked his new clothes off the floor and quickly got changed. Alec just stood in the bathroom for a minute, trying to prepare himself for the day, instinctively Alec's hand wrapped round his left wrist, rubbing it slightly. He shock his head and nipped out of the bathroom, careful not to wake to still sleeping Jace. He slowly walked over to his desk and checked his phone; 7:15, Alec had clearly been in the shower longer than he thought. He snatched up the phone and exited the room.

Alec took a slow walk towards the campus looking down at his phone. Izzy had sent Alec a text in the morning, just checking in making sure he was okay. He quickly texted her a response about how he was fine and really enjoying Uni life so far; a lie. Something Alec had perfected doing over the last year whether it was to others or himself. He shoved the phone into his pocket and took of down the road. When Alec arrived at the campus he quickly grabbed a coffee, he found a small empty table and sat down, killing some time before leaving for class. Alec looked out into the room, a few students were wandering around, early morning classes. As Alec observed the students, a thought appeared into his mind; I wonder if Magnus goes here? When he got back to his room Alec didn't have much time to think about the event at the Cafe. The guy was like nothing Alec had seen before, all the boys at his private school were all the same; rich, rude and obnoxious. Magnus seemed different, he had a strange confidences to himself but not in a obnoxious way. Alec squeezed his eyes shut. What was he doing? They had spoken for a few minuets, the guy was probably just interested in his seat, and even so what did Alec care? It was like he was interested in him. Alec could feel the onsets of a headache coming on, he downed his coffee and headed off towards class. By the time Alec arrived at the room there was only a few minutes to spare. A few students had started to take there seats near the front. Alec walked to the far back of the room, slotting into a seat at the end of the row. He pulled out his books and started to set up his desk. 

"Told you the cute ones go to the University" Alec's head shot up from his desk, In front of his stood the last person he thought he would see; Magnus Bane. He was dressed in skinny maroon jeans and a black top which had the words 'Hands off' in jewels of different colours. The boy wore a large bright smile, his eyes shinning.  

"Magnus" The words came out in a rush, Magnus gave Alec a mischievous wink before sitting down in the seat in front. Alec cursed to himself, he just wanted to get through the lecture with his head down. Alec considered moving seats, just picking up his stuff and moving to the other side. Before he could make any decision Magnus turned around.

"I was worried that there wouldn't be any hot guys in the class but It appears I was wrong" Alec felt his cheeks heating up, he tried to avert his gaze from Magnus, choosing to look at the far less interesting books on his table. What was wrong with him? Why did Magnus make him so nervous. As if Magnus could read his mind he spoke up again "Are you always this nervous?" Alec slowly looked up from his desk, Magnus was looking at him with a large grin clearly finding the whole situation amusing. "I must say I didn't picture you as a criminal law student, I was think more-"

A loud booming voice cut of Magnus, he gave Alec a finale smile before turning around the face the front. "Good morning class I am professor Starkweather!" The blonde teacher placed his brief case on the table, opening it and grabbing out bits of paper.

While the teacher was setting up Magnus quickly turned around, finding Alec's eye line "I Guess we'll have to carry on this conversation at a later date" He gave a cheeky smile before spinning round to face the front. What was it with this guy, why wouldn't he leave Alec alone? He wasn't interested. Alec looked down at his desk, colouring in the margins in his text book with his pencil. Alec wasn't interested. He repeated it over and over in his head. Over the last day Alec had repeated many things over in his mind; This was a fresh start, don't think about it, you're fine, you're not interested. He wondered about how many of these were actually true. Alec wasn't interested, he couldn't, he wasn't. He was just stressed and his mind was confused. Alec squeezed harder on the pencil, not really paying attention to the teacher. He sighed; he needed to pay attention, he had read ahead over the holidays but still needed to be taking notes and asking questions. He had to make up for everything he had done, he owed his parents that much, not that it would change anything but at least it was something. As on queue of mentioning his parents Alec felt his body tense, a feeling of guilt and anger washing over him. Alec looked up from the desk to see what he had missed.

Blood. Blood everywhere. Alec felt the colour drain from his face, his already pale skin becoming almost translucent. His knuckles wrapped around the pencil tightly, his knuckles turning a piercing white. On the screen at the front of the classroom was a large image of what looked like a man lying on the floor, his arms and legs spread out, a large pool of thick blood surrounding him; on his clothes, face, body. Alec could see the teachers mouth moving but heard nothing, the world going deathly silence. Alec squeezed his eyes shut, dropping his pencil on the table bring them up to rub his eyes. He opened his eyes again, the whole room was turned and facing him, the teacher looking up at him with a odd expression.

"Alexander Lightwood?" Alec just looked at the teacher unsure what was happening, his mind was spinning, everything feeling slightly fuzzy like he was drunk. "So what would you; as a criminal defence lawyer use from the evidence photo to help your client?" Alec has no idea what was going on; what client? He tried to say something but nothing came out, Alec gripped his hands on the the edge of his desk, trying to stop them from shaking. The teacher just looked at him, he opened his mouth to say something when a voice cut him off.

"Well the fact that the blood is smeared on the ground suggest the body has been moved postmortem I would say that our client who is a young female couldn't of possibly moved the body that far by herself? Theres only one set of foot prints so it must have been one person; thus not our client?" Magnus recited the information without difficulty, the teacher looked from Alec then back to Magnus. 

"Thankyou-"

"Magnus, Magnus Bane" Magnus gave a wave of his hand.

"Well that was a good observation Magnus, and Alexander don't be afraid to speak up next time" The teacher gave Alec a finale look of concern before changing the slide to some writing which Alec could no longer see, his vision blurred from unshed tears.

"Saved your bacon there" Magnus whispered from his seat in front, he turned his head to face Alec "think you owe-Alexander you okay?" Alec's eyes were still attached to the screen at the front his breath coming out in short bursts. 

"Alexander?" Alec finally tore his eyes from the screen, Magnus was almost fully turned in his seat. He was looking up at Alec with a troubled look on his face, his usual cheeky smile all but gone. He looked down at Magnus, everything finally become to much for Alec, he frantically stood un in his seat, not bothering to grab his books or bag and took off down the lecture hall stairs. He pushed open the double doors and rushed down the hall. Alec noticed a bathroom on the left and dived in, throwing the door open. Alec felt his knees beginning to shake, he stubbled towards the sink and managed to grab the edge before his leg gave way. Alec's arms were shaking from the pressure, he quickly released one arm and turned on the tap. The rushing water splashed off the sink. Alec placed his shaking hands under the water, bringing it to his face, the droplets felt icy against his sweaty skin. The water was doing nothing, he shut the tap off and leaned against the sink trying to get his breathing under control; not now, not now, not now. Shit. Shit. Shit. Alec's rapid breathing increased, his vision started to blur again. He gripped thighed onto the sink, convinced if he held it any tighter it would break. Alec stumbled back from the sink, crashing into one of the toilet stall doors. As soon as he closed the door behind him his knees collapsed beneath him. He throw open the toilet seat lid and heaved up the coffee he had this morning. Alec continued the throw up until there was nothing, he carried on dry heavy until he finally fell against the door behind him. Alec breathed hard, his head resting against the door, his eyes shut. Alec didn't make any attempt to move from his position, to scared it would cause him to throw up again. Alec moved his legs out from beneath him, stretching them out in front of him. He brought his hands up to his face, running it through his hair. Alec kicked out at the toilet seat. He paused before kicking it again and again until his legs felt weak, he felt a small tear escaping his eye running down his check. 

He needed to be better than this. He felt pathetic, he was. His second day at University and he was sat on the floor of the bathroom, a toilet full of sick in front of him. Alec could feel more tears pricking the corner of his eyes. He looked up at the celling trying to blink them away, he was not going to cry. He was 18 years old. Alec needed to get a hold of himself. He was meant to be here to get his qualifications; He had sworn to his parents that he would try his hardest and get all the highest grades, trying to make up for his failure in his SAT's. After that he was to get a high paying job and then marry a nice 'acceptable' girl and have a family. That was his parents plan for him, what he has been working towards his whole life. Alec felt himself feeling sick again. He owed this to them. He had to do it for them. Alec was about to push himself off the floor when he got a unsettling feeling in his stomach. He didn't want to go back in. What would they all think? What if they tried to ask him what happened? What would he say? The truth. The thought of that made Alec lurch forward and grab the rim of the toilet seat fearing he would throw up again. The truth, Alec shock his head, pushing that thought out of his head. They couldn't know, none of them could. Alec fell back on his feet, he dug into his pocket and pulled out his phone, he hit speed dial one. The phone rang for a moment before Izzy picked up.

"Alec?" She sounded surprised to hear from him, this didn't surprise Alec. He rarely rang Izzy, she usually having to be the one to initiate the conversation

"Hey Izzy" Alec's voice sounded hoarse, he flinched at how weak he sounded.

"Everything alright?" Izzy instantly picked up on it, her voice dripping with concern for her older brother.

"Yeah I'm fine, I just thought I'd ring to see how you are?" He tried to reposition himself on the floor. Resting his back against the door, stretching his legs fully out in front of him. 

"Yeah I'm good, were just at break now, I'm already done with this day." Izzy continued to talk about her day; what she had done, what she was going to do. Alec felt himself relaxing, his breath evening out. A short while ago Alec would of dealt with this in a very different way; his free hand wrapping protectively around his left wrist. He as trying to be better. Listening to Izzy helped, she talked with such optimism that it made Alec feel hopefully. Hopefully that things could go back to the way they were. Alec listened to Izzy talk for what felt his hours, his little sister talking about anything and everything; like she knew its what he needed. After a while, Izzy had to go back to class. The siblings said goodbye and Izzy said she would call him later. Alec rose from the floor putting the phone back into his pocket. He flushed the toilet and staggered out of the stall. Avoiding his gaze in the mirror Alec walked out of the bathroom. The hallway was now filled with people. He strode down the hallway towards his class, as he approached, Alec saw people pouring out of the room. He paused at the end of the hallway waiting for them to clear. Once it was empty Alec pulled opened the doors and entered the room. He walked up towards his stuff, his bags and books in the same position as he left it. Alec grabbed his book and shoved it into his bag. He picked his note pad up to place in the bag when something fell out. Alec bent down, a small yellow post it note laid on the floor by Alec's feet. 

'If you need to catch up on the notes, feel free to call me - Magnus Bane' The note was written in a blue pen, the writing sophisticated and neat. At the bottom of the note was a number. Alec looked down at the paper. He shoved the note into his pocket, deciding to deal with it later and carried on putting his stuff away. Once he was done he took off down that stairs.

Luckily Alec had no more classes for the day so opted to head back to his room, looking forward to the piece and quite. As he was walking down the street his hand went into his pocket, pulling out the crumpled note. Alec looked down at it. Magnus Bane. The name caused Alec to feel a flutter in his chest. He took another look at the note and put it back. He should just throw it away, he wasn't going to use it. He wasn't going to call him. Alec sighed, he just needed to forget about him, however something inside Alec told him that would be easier said than done, Magnus Bane seemed like a person that was not easily forgotten.


	3. Hope

Alec pulled open the door to the block of flats. The place was pretty empty, most of the students at lessons or lunch. Alec walked passed the elevator not giving it a second look. He climbed the stairs, a small throbbing appearing in his leg. He approached his room, unlocking it. He pushed the door open it. Alec closed the door behind him. The room was empty, he walked over to the bed and flopped down on it, his face crashing into the pillow. Alec could feel the exhumation from the events of the day washing over him, he flipped over on his bed. He gripped his left wrist, his thumb tracing over the faded lines. Alec didn’t bring it with him, deciding it was to risky. 63 days. Alec’s heart was still rapidly beating in his chest, his palms sweating. It was times like this he missed it, it grounded him, allowed him to be in control. Alec pressed harder on his wrist, squeezing his eyes shut. Alec quickly shot up from his bed, moving over to his desk. He needed to keep busy, needed to do something. He opened his laptop; a picture of Izzy pulling a stupid face was Alec’s background, he gave a little smile. She had set that picture as his background months ago, Alec didn’t have the heart to change it. The door to the bedroom opened. Alec turned around and saw Jace walking in, throwing his back pack onto the bed and failing down next to it, a large sigh escaping his mouth. Alec was about to speak up when Jace sat up on the bed, jumping slightly at the sight of Alec.

“Oh hey, didn’t meant to crash into the room”

“No its fine” Alec gave a little shake of his head. Part of Alec wanted to be alone, not wanting to talk to people or be crowed. On the other hand, being alone with his own thoughts could be just as bad or even worse, it was almost as if Alec could never win.

“How was your first lesson? Must have been pretty early, you were already gone when I woke up” Jace stood up from the bed, pulling down his white T-shirt that had ridden up slightly. 

“Yeah my first lesson was at 8:30am” Alec turned around in his chair, facing Jace more.

Jace walked over to his own desk taking a seat sideways, putting his feet up on the bed. “How was it?” He grabbed a book off the desk and started to flip through it aimlessly.

Alec felt himself tense, deciding less information was the best option “Okay” He looked at Jace, he was looking at Alec with curiosity, having put the book down. Alec sighed “What about you?” Normally Alec would of just left it, but there was something about Jace he didn’t have a intense desire to shut him out.

“Yeah it was alright, teacher was a bit of a hardass though, however I did see this hot girl on the way back to the room, shame she isn’t taking history. She had this crazy bright hair, never seen anyone like her before” Jace started to ramble about the girl, talking about how her name was Clary and she was a art major. Alec smiled, Jace was clearly smitten with the girl, even if he protested that he didn’t ‘get smitten’ it was odd, how open Jace was. Alec could never imagine being like that, just trusting someone with your thoughts and feelings. Alec was so caught up in his own thoughts that he didn’t notice Jace had stopped talking. He looked towards Alec, then slightly passed him, pointing his finger toward the laptop. “That your girlfriend?”

Alec’s head snapped his head around, the image of Izzy still light up on his screen. He shut the lid and turned back towards Jace “What Izzy?! God no, no she’s my little sister” Alec shook his head.

Jace gave a embarrassed smile “Oh shit, sorry about that”

“It-its alright” He gave a little smile back towards Jace.

“How old is she?” Jace got up from the desk, walking back over to his bed and talking a seat, his head resting against the headboard.

“16, she lives up in Washington with my parents” Alec moved his chair so he was facing Jace more.

“Always thought it would be cool to have a little sister” Jace stretched his legs out on his bed, kicking his bag off the bed, it failing to the floor with a thud.

“She’s alright I guess” Alec gave a small chuckle, a warm feeling spreading in his chest.

“Got any other siblings” The warmth instantly stood, being replaced by a cold ice feeling. Alec froze in his seat, looking away from Jace. His mind floated back to the picture hidden underneath his bed; he dreaded this question. “Alec?” He slowly moved his head to look at Jace, the boy was sat upright in the bed, his arms resting on his knees, a perplexed look on his face.

“Uhh, no” Alec whispered “Its just us two” He pulled his eyes away from Jace, facing back towards his desk.

Jace was still looking at Alec, still in a sate of confusion. What had he said? Jace wanted to be friends with his roommate, knowing it would make things easier for him; a part of him was also intrigued by the boy. Jace decided not to say anything else, not wanting to further upset the boy.

There was a awkward tension that filled the room, Alec could fill it pushing down on him “I think I’m going to go grab some lunch, I’ll catch you later Jace” Alec quickly stood up from his desk, grabbing his bag off the floor, heading to the door not making eye contact with Jace

“See ya” There was a pause as Alec was about the open the door “Hey Alec!” Jace called. He turned to see that Jace had moved off the bed, walking towards him.

“Yeah?” He kept his eyes on the door in front of him.

“Look I know we haven’t known each other that long but if you ever need to talk about something-“ 

Alec cut him off, holding up a hand. Jace stopped in his tracks. “Thanks Jace” He gave a smile smile before walking out the door.

The room? Nope.

The canteen? Nope.

Café dolce? Nope

He gave a large sigh as he walked down the street away from the apartment. Alec had only been there a day and it felt like everything was going wrong, the feeling of anxiety not leaving him, like a constant fear that something was going to happen. He hated feeling on edge. This was meant to be his fresh start, his chance to start a new and all that crap he told himself. That dream seemed to be fading away quickly. Alec stopped walking, realising he didn’t know where he was going. He thought about finding a Café but knew they would all be filled with student, maybe some from his class. What if they wanted to talk about what happened? Alec rubbed his neck, this whole ‘fresh start’ was becoming harder than he planned.

********

Magnus stared at the book in front of him, not reading any of the words, his mind on other things. “Okay, are you even listening to me?” Magnus looks up from the book; Tessa was staring at him, her brown hair falling in front of her eyes. 

“Of course I’m listening to you darling, do continue!” He looked back down at book, giving a small sigh.

“I will, once you tell me what I just said?” She gave him a look, her eye brow raised, confident that she had caught him out.

Magnus paused, slightly pursing his lips and looking up to the celling. After a second Magnus shook his head in defeat “Okay I stopped listening after you started to talk about Will” Magnus closed the book in front of him.

“What is with you?” Tessa pushed a strand of hair out of her face, revealing her almost grey eyes. " You’ve been distracted all lunch, you’ve been starting at the same page for about 20minutes!” She motioned to the now closed book.

“Its a very fascinating page” Magnus lied, giving a dramatic wave of his hand.

Tessa shook her head deciding to change the subject. “So how was your first class?”

“Okay…there was this boy-“ Before Magnus could carry on, Tessa slammed her hand on the table, pointing her finger at Magnus.

“I knew it!”

Magnus slowly reached out and pinched her finger, removing it from his face “Okay relax there sherlock homes” Tessa pulled her hand back in, scooting closer to Magnus.

“Whats his name? What happened?” Her voice was full of excitement, like a child on christmas morning.

Magnus gave Tessa a smile, leaning forward on his seat. “Well I met him the other day-“

“You met someone and you didn’t tell me!” She pulled back in her seat, giving him a glaring look.

“I’m telling you now and I’m going to stop unless you relax.” Tessa opened her mouth to say something but closed it, leaning back on her chair, her arms crossing over her chest. “I saw him in a cafe in the other day and went over, he was awkward but in the cute way. He left before I could get his number”

“Thats rare” Tessa chuckled.

“Today I walked into class and saw him at the back so I went over to sit by him because well, he’s gorgeous” Magnus paused, the boy was gorgeous. His eyes were a electric blue, almost like little sparks of electricity filled them. His hair was black, but not a dull black, but shinning like a crow or oil, his hair was shot but full, little curls hanging over his forehead.“We spoke for a bit but then the teacher came in and interpreted my fun” He gave a disapproving shake of his head.

“Crazy, not like your in class to learn and not to ogle boys” Tessa teased, Magnus ignored her and continued.

“So half way through the lesson, the teacher asks him a question and he didn't say anything so I turned around to see what was going on-“ Magnus could remember the boys face. Magnus had seen a lot in his short life, but he had never seen someone look so terrified and haunted, the fear in the boys eyes something Magnus wouldn’t forget.

“What?” Tessa gave Magnus a puzzled look.

“He got all freaked out, wouldn’t answer or say anything, so I did it for him”

“What a gentleman” Tessa replied, giving Magnus a playful grin.

“Then he just got up and left” Magnus gave another wave of his hand, leaning forward to rest his arms on the desk.

“Really?” Tessa matched Magnus movement.

He rolled his eyes at his best friend “No I made up this whole story!” He shook his head before carrying on “He didn’t come back, so before the lesson ended I left my number saying he could call if he needed the notes”

“And has he?” The excitement in Tessa voice was obvious.

“If he did, do you think I would be sitting here with you?” Magnus gave a frustrated sigh, why hadn't he called? Most people called as soon as he gave them the number, which didn't surprise him. 

“What was his name?”

“Alexander-“ Magnus paused, his eyes fixated on the boy that has just walked in.

Tessa followed Magnus’s eye line. Walking in into the room was a boy; about 6ft. Dark black hair and blue eyes; Magnus favourite combination.

“I’m guessing thats him?” Magnus contained to stare at the boy before looking back round at her. “Why don’t you go talk to him?” Magnus stood up from the table, pulling down his black t-shirt and grabbing his bag.

“Thats what I was planning to do my love” He gave Tessa a wink before walking over to the boy who was now seated at a table getting books out of his bag. He walked over to the table and stood in front of it, the boy still not noticing him.

"Fancy seeing you here" Magnus wore his best smile. The boy paused, not looking up from his position. 

Crap. Carp. Crap. Alec thought. He had gone to the library to get away from people, to be alone. He didn't go to Café Dolce because he was worried Magnus might be there. He could feel Magnus looking at him, his face still looking into his bag. He slowly pulled out his last book, placing it on the table, finally looking up at him.

Magnus smile instantly faded once he saw the look on Alec's face. His skin was pale, paler than yesterday. His electric blue eyes seemed dulled, the white's of his eyes contaminated with red. He look tried. Not just in a 'I've been up all night studying way' but a way that made Magnus feel sympathy for the young boy. "I was just wondering if you wanted to notes from today's lesson?"

"Um its fine" Alec shock his head, looking down at the book in front of him

"Its no trouble really" Magnus replied. The boy continued looking down at his desk, he sighed, clearly this boy was the stubborn type "Its fine Alexander just take them" He opened his bag and grabbed out his note book placing it in front of Alec, sliding it closer to him "You can give them back when your done?" Alec looked at the notes then back up at Magnus.

"Thankyou Magnus" The boy sounded just as tried as he look, he gave a half hearted smile.

Magnus felt a sting in his heart. What had caused this boy to be so distressed? "No problem Alexander" He gave Alec one last smiling before turning on his heels and walking back to the table with Tessa. She stood up, walking round the table to greet him, linking her arm through his as they walked out of the Library. 

"So what happened?" She leaned into him, her brown hair swaying. 

"I gave him the notes from todays lesson" Magnus replied nonchalantly, giving a shrug of his shoulders.

"Thats its? No date? Nothing?" Replied a clearly disappointed Tessa.

Normally Magnus would of pushed a bit, maybe sitting down and flirting; he never was the subtle type. However something told him that wasn't the way with Alexander; maybe it was what happened today in class, or his tired look, but something told him that pushing this boy wasn't the best idea. It was only the first day of the new school year, Magnus had time "Just be patient darling" He gave Tessa a wink as they walked out of the library.

Alec gave a large sigh as Magnus left the room, arms linked in with a brown haired girl. Alec felt a odd feeling in his chest; jealously? Why would he be jealous? He pulled the notebook forward and opened the page. The writing was just like the one on the post-it-note. Alec paused. He carefully put his hand into his pocket, pulling out the note. He started at it for a moment before laying it onto the table, using one hand to flatted the note. He looked at it. He pulled out his phone, going to his contact list. New contact. Alec's fingers quickly typed the name 'Magnus Bane'. His finger hovered over the 'confirm' button. He looked back down at the note. 

'Feel free to call me'

He hit confirm. He shoved the phone back into his pocket along with the notes. gluing his eyes at the page below him. A mixture of feelings swirled around in Alec's chest; anxiety, uneasiness, confusion. However as Alec thought about the note in his pocket and the boy who had given it to him, another feeling appeared in his chest; hope. 


	4. Late Night Coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a little late been very busy, I am really enjoying writing this story so I hope you guys enjoy reading it!♥

_ The blood was seeping through the gaps in Alec's fingers, covering his hands and wrists. The warm blood pooling around his knees, seeping through his clothes. He could feel the blood starting to dry, the cool metallic smell bombarding his sense. Alec wanted to be sick, he cloud feel blood everywhere; on his hands, clothes, body, face. He pushed down harder on the wound, trying to get the blood to stop. _

_ Blood. Alec suddenly wasn't in the alley anymore but stood in the hospital bathroom, staring in the mirror. His face was white, blood smudged across his face and neck. He shoved on the tap, throwing his hands under the water, the water turning a dark red shade. Alec rubbed his hands furiously, apply soap. He looked up to the mirror; he grabbed a handful of water and brought it to his face, rubbing the blood. Alec kept rubbing his hands until he was sure all the blood was gone. He turned the tap off and locked up into the mirror. _

_ "You know why it wont go right Alexander?" Izzy was stood behind him in the mirror, her long pair shoved up into a messy bun, her mascara running down her face, her bright eyes filled with anger and grief. Alec just looked at his sister, this wasn't happening. This wasn't real. "Its because YOU killed him" She took a step closer to him, her face scowling at him. _

_ "Izzy-" Alec turned around to face her, his voice was weak, barley above a whisper. _

_ "You killed him" her voice was harsh, no sympathy present. _

_ "I didn't mea-" She stormed towards him, her finger being shoved into his chest. _

_  "YOU KILLED HIM, IT WAS YOUR FAULT" Alec tried to move but found he couldn't, his legs unable to, he turned away from this nightmare version of his sister. _

_ "No, no, no, no, this isn't real" He shook his head, trying to convince himself. _

_ "ITS ALL YOUR FAULT! -" The voice assaulted his ears, a ringing noise starting to form. He wanted to turn away and hide. _

_ He turned to his sister, tears pouring down his pale face. "I'm sorry-" _

_ "YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!" _

Alec flew up from his seat, flying back in his chair, he grabbed onto the table to stop himself from falling. His hands gripped the table hard, trying to stop them from shaking. Alec's heart was thudding in his chest, convinced if it went any faster it would just stop. Alec stood up from his desk and stumbled back, his balance unstable, his vision becoming blurred. He leaned forward and grabbed his books shoving them into his bag with no precisions. He stumbled out of the library, needing to get air. The cold air hit him in the face, forcing him to take a large breath. Alec could feel a droplet fall down his face; he pulled his hand up to his face. His face was damp with tears. Alec threw his bag to the floor using both his hands to rub at his face. Alec hadn't had a nightmare like this in a while. Usually they were memories, a step-by-step reconstruction of what happened, sometimes stopping before it got to-other times he was forced to relive it. These were different; they were twisted versions of what happened filled with anger and confusion. Over the year Alec had had many different memories of that night and the constant change in events sometimes made it hard to focus on what was real, what really happened. Alec brought his hands down, grabbing his bag off the floor. He staggered back and leant against the wall, closing his eyes.

"Alexander?" Alec opened his eyes. Stood in front of his was Magnus, his eyes almost shinning in the dark. "It 12:32, was my writing that hard to read?" He gave a small chuckle and started to walk towards Alec. He felt his heart rise; he pressed himself further into the well, the cold biting into his back. Magnus stopped walking, clearly noticing. "Hey? You okay?" Magnus stared at the boy; his back was pressed up against the wall, like a scared animal hiding in the corner.

"Yeah, I just-I needed some air" Alec pushed himself off the wall. He knew how pathetic he looked, he hated it.

Magnus looked at the boy, something had clearly spooked him. Magnus was about to leave it when he notices something. Alec had his hands balled in fists next to him, his knuckles almost white from the pressure. As Magnus looked closer, he started to notice more. Not only were his hands shaking but his whole body. He looked deathly pale, his eyes erratically looking around him, the whites of his eyes red, the skin underneath slightly puffy; the boy had been crying. As Magnus started to process the information he started to think; maybe this was something more than just being spooked, the boy looked down right terrified "Your shaking?" Magnus said, his voice slightly void of its usual confidences replaced with a softness Alec hadn't heard before.

 "Its-its fine" Alec pushed himself off the wall and started to walk away, pulling the strap on his shoulder closer. He avoided Magnus gaze, just wanting to get away from everyone.

"Alexande-" Magnus almost pleaded

 Alec turned on his heels, his eyes flashed with sorrow "Alec, don't call me alexander" His voice was harsher than he intended, Magnus looked shocked. Alec sighed, this wasn't Magnus's fault, this was Alec's crap. "Please" There was a softness to the last part, his eyes almost begging Magnus

 "Okay, Alec." Magnus took a step closer to Alec, making sure the boy was okay with it "I was about to go grab some coffee, would you like to join me, seems like you could use one?" Magnus gestured to Alec's shaky posture.

Alec shook his head, turning away from Magnus, he could barley process what was going on "Umm I'm not sure-" Magnus held up his hand.

"You don't have to explain what’s wrong or talk about it but seems like you could use some caffeine?"

Alec thought about it, he could use some coffee; but with Magnus? Maybe it would give him a distraction, allow him to clear his head. "O-okay" Alec gave a little nod. Magnus gave him a smile and walked towards him, giving Alec some room.

The pair walked down the street in silence for a while when Magnus spoke up "So did you find the notes okay?" He looked over to Alec who seemed to be deep in thought somewhere.

"Yeah, thanks for them, I've just got a few pages left." Alec had fallen asleep before he could finish, his body running low on energy. "Unless you need them back, I mean-" Magnus could hear the panic in Alec's voice. Magnus quickly corrected himself

"No, no its fine." He gave Alec a warm smile. Alec sighed, his head was still pounding. The pair went silence again, Alec decided to speak up.

"So what are you doing out at this time?" He looked over at Magnus, who in turn looked back at him.

"I was visiting my friend Camille, she doesn't live around here so I had to get a late train back."

"So what cafe is open at this time" Alec looked around, most of the shops were close, only a few bars open.

"Remember that Cafe where we met?" Magnus raised his eyes brows at Alec. Alec looked at the street he was on, he recognised it, this is where he walked when he first found the Cafe.

"Oh yeah" He gave a little smile, remembering when he first saw the boy in the cafe. It was only yesterday but it seemed like weeks ago. The pair continued to walk when Magnus stopped, gesturing for Alec to do the same.

"Hey, lets cut down here, it will cut about 10minutes out of our journey." Magnus looked down the dark alley, a few bulbs lighting to way. The boy hadn't said anything "Alec?" There was no response so he turned around to see what was happening. What had he said? The already paled boy looked basically transparent, his blue eyes the only source of colour, his hands that has started to steady began to shake again. What had Magnus done?. He turned away from the alley and walked towards Alec, his voice quite and soft. "Hey what’s wrong?"

Alec felt like he had been punch in the chest. It was as if everything Alec had been trying to avoid had been thrown at him; the picture, the dream and now this. He didn't know what to do. He should just man up and go down the alley, he looked passed Magnus towards the dark alley.

_ An ear shattering boom rang out on the alley, the sharp noises echoed for a few seconds before silence befall the alley. _

_ “Shit” Alec’s head turned towards the voice. _

_ A skinny man stood a few feet from the group, and Black Hand gun in his hand, on the floor in front of him lead a body- _

"I-I can't" Alec pulled himself from the memory, not wanting to remember what happened next. He took a few steps away from the gate to the alley, pulling away his eyes the dark alley.

Magnus paused, thinking about what to do next. He was usually pretty good at reading people; he could tell when Tessa was upset about Will and when Camille needed to be left alone but with Alec...Cleary there was something seriously troubling the boy, his behaviour in class earlier and now this. Magnus wanted to know what was wrong, what he could do to help. He didn't know why he was so invested in Alec's wellbeing, they had only known each other for a day. There was just something about Alec. "You know what, its a lovely night I don't mind a longer walk" Alec looked around at Magnus. Magnus gave him a small smile and started to walk away from the alley. Alec gave it one finale look before walking away.

He followed Magnus down the road. Alec felt sick. His breathing was out of control his head hurt. Why did he agree to go for coffee. Why didn't he just go back to the room. He mentally kicked himself for agreeing to go out. Why couldn't get have just gone down the alley. It had been a year. Nothing was going to happen. He had tried going down one with Izzy a few months after it happened, he took five steps in and was sick. He hadn't been down one since. He felt so out of control of his own feelings, he hated it. "Sorry" The words rushed out of Alec's mouth. He looked over at Magnus.

"No need to apologies Alexande-I mean Alec" He gave Alec an apologetic smile, before a look of curiosity appeared on his face. "Alexander is such a beautiful name. why do you prefer Alec, if you don't mind me asking?" Magnus could see Alec thinking, like his mind was trying to work out what the best response was. He noticed he did that a lot. He never said anything without thinking about it first, like he had to check what he was saying was okay.

Why did he hate the name? He never use to, the name use to make him feel special. As he grew up most people just called him 'Alec', only using 'Alexander' if he was in trouble or his parents were out in public trying to impress someone. After 'it' happened the name had a sour taste to it. It no longer has connotations of family and love, now repressing everything his parents had pushed on him. Alexander was who his parents wanted him to be. "My parents call me Alexander" He looked away from Magnus to the floor.

The boy looked away from Magnus, looking down at the floor. There was so much Magnus wanted to know but he decided not to push the shaken boy. The walked for a little longer before Magnus stopped. "Here we are."

Alec looked up the Café, Magnus walked forward and pulled open the door gesturing for Alec to enter. The pair walked in and up to the counter. Alec noticed there were very few people in the Café, about three groups of people, the majority of them being students. Alec shifted awkwardly.

"I'll have a black coffee, Alec?" Magnus turned to face Alec.

"Um yeah the same" Alec stuttered, his breathing was starting to relax, the warmth of the shop calming him down. Magnus handed a coffee over to Alec and the pair walked towards the back of the shop finding a small wooden table with two wooden chairs facing each other. 

"So how are you enjoying New York?" Magnus stirred his coffee and looked up at Alec.

"Its okay, I haven't had much of a chance to see it yet" Alec had looked around a bit before he came but gave up deciding the place was too busy.

"I grew up in Brooklyn so I know the area pretty well" Magnus took a sip of his coffee. He didn't pushed Alec for information, Alec took a sip of his own coffee, setting it down on the table. He looked at Magnus, the boy was staring at his own drink.

"I grew up in Washington" Alec blurted out, Magnus looked up from his drink, surprised that Alec was sharing information. He gave Alec a reassuring smile. Magnus was about to say something when Alec carried on.

"Thanks for the notes again, I-I really appreciate it" He took another sip of his drink, Magnus gave him a smile, Alec returned one.

"So how you are enjoying the class, I mean we've only had one but?" Magnus trailed off, making a gesture with his hand.

"Yeah its-its okay" That was a lie. Alec had barley been in the class and when he was he wasn't truly listening and when he did start to listen he ran out of the class to be sick.

There was a pause, "So not a big fan of blood I'm guessing?" He sounded timid, like he was unsure whether to ask.

Alec looked up from the table, Magnus was holding his coffee in front of him, his hands wrapped around the warm drink. "I-Its just-It makes me" Alec's mind flashed back to the image on the board; the blood, the man, the smell. Alec shook his head, his hands tightening around the coffee cup, he took a breath, trying to relax himself "No, not a fan" He took a sip of his drink, his hands still gripping the cup.

"Neither am I to be honest, but I suppose if you want to be a lawyer you've got to get use to looking at gory images" Magnus was write. Growing up Alec and Isabelle were never allowed in their father’s office, always told it was a place for adults. Alec remembered once when he was little, trying to find his father and going into the office. There was a large board covered in pictures and information. A young woman lying in a room, her body littered with cuts and stab wounds, Alec could barley see her skin as it was covered in blood. His father scolded him for entering the office, Alec never went in there again. He knew it was part of the job, having to look at evidence photos, graphic descriptions of death and violence. Alec tried not to think about it.

"Yeah, I suppose" He would have to find away to look at evidence photos without nearly passing out.

"So what made you want to me a criminal defence lawyer then?" Magnus took a finale sip of his drink and placed it down on the table. He looked interested, like he actually wanted to know about Alec's life. Why was he interested in criminal law? Short story; he wasn't. Growing up Alec never really had a choice. He learned from a very young age that he had a duty to fulfil. Alec always thought about rebelling, doing his own thing, but what was that? He had never thought about himself and what he wanted. After everything that happened last year, Alec gave up. He decided to fall in line and do what he was told.

"Kind of of a...family thing" A waitress came over and refilled Magnus coffee, toping up Alec's as well.

"Family thing?" He raised his eyebrow at Alec, unsure what Alec had meant by the comment; criminal defence lawyer isn't usually a 'family business'

"Long story" It was short and brief but told Magnus a lot. Alec clearly didn't like talking about his family, in partially his parents. Alec looked back down at the table "...wh-what about you?"

"Well I love arguing with people and being theatrical so I thought why not get paid to do it" Alec felt a smile appear on his face, followed by a small laugh.

"That’s better" Magnus grinned, resting his elbows on the table.

"What?" Alec raised his head, the small grin still on his face.

"Your smiling, don't get to see it very often" Magnus was right. Alec couldn't remember the last time he truly smiled, he didn't have much to smile about to be honest.

"Kind of been a stressful week" Alec reached his hand up and rubbed the back of his neck.

"Moving all the way from Washington to New York, leaving your family and friends, must be tough?" Magnus gave a sympathetic smile towards Alec.

"Uhh yeah." Alec had a lot of conflicting feelings about leaving. One the one hand he was able to get away from everything, have a chance to start fresh, but there was something he was leaving behind... "My sister"

"Pardon?"

"It-uhh-its hard being away from my sister" It was true. There was a lot that Alec didn't miss about Washington, Izzy however, was one thing he did.

"I didn't now you had a sister?" Magnus titled his head to the side, clearly intrigued by the information.

"Yeah, yeah she's 16. She lives up in Washington with my parents. Studying to be a doctor" Alec didn't usually offer up information about his family, but he strangely felt comfortable around Magnus. 

"Wow, a lawyer and a doctor. Your parents must be proud" Magnus sounded sincere, leaning back on his chair.

Alec felt the small smile on his face drop. His parents were proud of Izzy, she was doing incredibly well at school and was going to attend Yale. Alec on the other hand-

"I'm going to take a stab in the dark here and guess you don't partially like talking about your parents?" Magnus spoke softly clearly not wanting to upset Alec. 

Alec paused for a second. Magnus wasn't wrong, he didn't like talking about his parents. "It's-Its complicated" He stuttered.

There was a pause in the conversation, it felt ominous. Alec was looking down at the table, tracing the lines in the wood. "Do they know?" He looked up, Magnus was leaning closer on the table, he had an unsure look on his face.

"Know what?" Alec wasn't sure where this was going but he suddenly had a very uneasy feeling in his stomach.

"That your gay?" Alec felt all the heat and warmth leave his body, a cold chill running through him. He moved back from the table, his chair screeching as he stood up. 

"What?" The word came out breathless, he was shaking his head "Who said-I'm not" Alec looked around, people in the café turning there heads "you-you can't just-"

"Hey, hey its okay" Magnus stood up clearly wanting to comfort Alec. He walked around the table towards Alec his hand reaching out-

"No, no!" Alec pulled his hands back and stood back. His bad collided with something, he spun around. A small empty coffee table was rocking back and forth. Alec was breathing heavy, he turned back around. Magnus was stood by the table. His face looked worried, he had his hands held out in front of his to show he wasn't going to do anything. Alec looked around him. The few people in the café were looking at the pair. Alec took a breath and walked forward, grabbing his bag off the floor, he looked back up at Magnus. "I-I should go now" He turned around and stated walking towards the exit, he could hear Magnus calling his name, he ignored it.

The cold air hit Alec with force. He powered down the street. What had just happened. The day had gone from okay, to bad, the horrible to good and now all the way back to shit again. Alec just wanted to get home. He didn't even know what he meant by home. Was home in Washington, was it in his apartment with Jace, he didn't know. Alec got back to the apartment and made his way up to the room. He could feel a sweat forming on his forehead. What was Magnus talking about? Alec wasn't-he couldn't. He unlocked the door and came into the room locking the door behind him. Marching over to the bathroom Alec barged in and locked the door, sliding down it.

"Hey where have you been?" A half sleeping Jace spoke up from the room. "Alec?" He could hear shifting from the room.

"Yeah I'm fine, was just out with a friend, go back to sleep Jace" Alec was surprised how confident he sounded. He shakily stood up from the floor and made his way over shower turning it on.

"You sure?" Jace's reply was followed by a yawn.

 "Yeah, I'm just going to take a shower then go to bed" Alec had no intention of taking a shower but he needed an excuses to stay in the bathroom. He stood over the sink and looked down. Alec had had some pretty shitty days and today was ranked pretty high on that list. Maybe that was a good thing, everything that could go wrong went wrong today so it could only get better, right? As Alec looked down into the sink he felt a lump forming in his throat, Alec had told himself a lot of lies today, but he was pretty sure this was the biggest one of them all.


	5. Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in this chapter I'm afraid we don't see any Magnus but we do get some Alec and Jace bonding and learn a little bit more about Alec! Hope you guys enjoy! 
> 
> -A

Alec groaned, he could feel an ache starting in his back. He opened his eyes, his head was resting to the side, almost resting on his shoulders. He moved his head slowly, a pain shooting through neck. "Shit" Alec looked around, where the hell was he? Alec blinked a few times trying to focus. A porcelain toilet was across from him. The nights events came flashing back to Alec. After his coffee with Magnus he came back to the room and went into the bathroom. He turned the shower on for a bit before turning it off and taking a seat on the floor, trying compose himself before he went back out to the bedroom, he must of fallen asleep on the floor. He slowly stood up and walked around the bathroom; Magnus. He splashed some water on his face. How had yesterday gone so bad, his coffee with Magnus had started good, he was enjoying it, Magnus seemed like a nice guy and then he had to go and say that. Alec gripped the sink. It wasn't true, Alec had already screwed enough things up back home, he wasn't about to screw more up-it didn't matter any way because it wasn't true, Magnus didn't know what he was talking about. Alec took a breath and open the bathroom door. Jace was wrapped up in his sheets, still asleep.

Alec stands still in bedroom, he didn't have any classes today which he was thankful for. He walked over to his dresser and grabbed a pair of black Nike joggers and a grey Henley top. Alec walked back into the bathroom and had a quick shower before getting changed. Alec stepped out of the bathroom, Jace was standing in the room, a pair of grey joggers on, pulling over a white top. 

"Hey man" He pulled the top over and ruffled his hair, it not jelled back like usual.

"Hey" Alec walked over to his desk, flopping down into one of the seats.

"Shouldn't you be in class by now"

Alec looked over at the clock on his desk; 8:30am. "Haven't got class today" And Alec was glad of it, by the time he has gone for coffee and gotten home it was around 1:30. He stayed in the bathroom for a further 20minutes before he feel asleep on the floor.

"Same here, thinking of just relaxing for the day" Jace laid back on his bed, grabbing his phone off the side.

"Same" It was true, although Alec had notes today for class he couldn't bring himself to look at the text book Magnus had given him. He just wanted to forget all about yesterday, the whole horrible day.

"So how was your friend?"

"Hu?" Alec realised he was just staring at his desk, he stood up and walked over to his bed, sitting on he edge

"Last night? Said you were coming back from a friends" Jace moved on his bed, sitting on the side with his legs hanging over.

"Ohh ye-yeah it was, um it was good thanks" Alec nodded and stood up, he had moved seats at least three times in the last minute.

"Hey I was about to go shot some hoops down at the courts, wanna come?" Jace stood up from his bed and grabbed a basketball he had under the bed. He was throwing the ball from hand to hand looking at Alec, a hopeful smile on his face.

"Umm..." Alec shifted on his feet-

"Oh come on, it will be fun!" Jace threw the ball throw the air towards Alec whom caught it. "Can be a good room mate bonding experience, I promise I'll go easy on you!" He held up his hands in mock defences.

"Go easy one me?" Alec threw the ball back to Jace.

"Well I've been known to be a amazing shot" Jace gave a cocky smile before turing and placing the ball in a bag.

"Pretty confident hu?" Alec gave a small laugh, walking towards the door.

"Loser gets lunch?" Jace picked up his bag and started to follow Alec out of the room.

Alec turned to look at Jace, the boy was stood next to Alec but giving him some space, clearly he had picked up on the fact that Alec doesn't partially like close contact. Alec give a small smile at the gesture "Sure, and don't worry, I'll pick somewhere cheap"

"Now who's the confident one?!" Jace gave a loud laugh and shock his head, Alec joined in with the laugh.

The pair walked out of the room and down the stairs. It was only a short distance to the courts so they walked in silence, Jace sending a few texts on his phone. After a few minutes Jace shoved the phone in his pocket, pointing to a patch of large grass in the distance. "Courts are just down here" Alec nodded back. "So first one to 10 points is the winner?" Jace held out his hand to shake, Alec looked down at it before grabbing it and shaking back. 

"Sure"

The ball shot through the air before colliding with the board behind the next and dropping down into the next hitting the ground with a thud. "Shit!" Jace yelled, grabbing the ball before it rolled away. 

Alec gave a small laugh, running his hand through his hair "Not sounding so confident anymore"

"Hey!" Jace threw the ball back at Alec, pointing at him "You've still got to score two points to win"

"I'm thinking burger for lunch" Alec mocked as he dribbled the ball.

"Shut up and take the shot" Jace was laughing and so was Alec.

A few minutes later the ball went through the hoop again, Alec grabbed it and threw at back at Jace who was scowling at him.

"Okay, how the hell are you this good?" Jace grabbed the ball and put it back in his bag, grabbing a bottle of water and taking a drink, throwing it at Alec who took a large chug. 

"Oh I use to play a lot as a kid, me and my brother would spend all out times at the courts" Before Alec could even process what he said Jace spoke up, a confused tone in his voice.

"You've got a brother?" Alec froze, the heat he had gathered from playing basketball had all but disappeared, a cold chill settled over him, he slowly closed his eyes. Shit. Alec still had his back facing Jace, to scared to turn back round to face him, unsure of what his face would give away. This is why he didn't let his guard down, why he always had to think about what he said because when he didn't he slipped up, and this was a big one. He tried to remind calm, knowing freaking out would not help him get out of the situation. He slowly turned around to Jace. The boy was standing there, a perplexed look on his face.

"Uhh" Alec opened his mouth to say something and then realised he had nothing to say, he didn't know what to say, what could he say? 'No I don't have a brother', ' I did have a brother but then I-' Alec could could feel a small lump forming in his throat. Why couldn't he just keep his mouth shut, today had been a good day, Alec hadn't thought about the events of yesterday all day. A high pitched voice pulled him out of his thoughts.

"Jace!" Both boys looked around to see a short, red hair girl walking towards them. Her hair was a colour that Alec had never seen before, almost the colour of fire. Alec shifted his eyes form Clary to look at Jace, his face had almost turned the same colour as Clary's hair, this was clearly the girl Jace had spoken about the other day.

"Clary?" Jace's voice gave a small crack and he quickly cleared his throat, Alec looked back at Clary. The girl was running over to the pair, her long hair bouncing as she went.

"You guys look like your having fun?" She walked onto the courts, placing her bad down next to her.

"Oh ye-yeah we were just um shooting some hoops" Jace gave a small stutter at the start and shifted on his feat, Alec couldn't help but give a small smile. He had never seen Jace awkward, it was slightly amusing.

"Who won?" She gave a large open smile, she seemed like a nice girl.

Before Jace would speak up, Alec found himself interrupting. "-Jace, he kicked my ass" Jace turned to look at Alec, raising his eye brows at Alec's obvious lie, Alec had kicked Jace's ass. Alec just gave Jace a smile before Jace turned back towards Clary.

"Oh Clary this is my room mate Alec, Alec this is Clary" The girl held out her hand, the large smile on her face, Alec reached out and shock it.

"Nice to meet you Alec"

"Same"

"So I was just passing and thought I'd come by and ask if you wanted to come to this party I'm having this weekend? If you want to off course, I get if your bust-" The girl started to ramble clearly nervous before Jace piped up.

"No, no, yeah that sounds fun, I'll be there-we'll be there!" Jace slapped the side of Alec's arm, giving him a wide smile. 

"Um-I'm not-" Alec took a step back from the pair, holding his hands up. "Parties aren't really my-"

"We'll be there" Jace interrupted forcefully, giving Alec a stern look. 

"Well its Friday, starts at 8pm" She reached down into her bag and pulled out a piece of paper and a pen, scribbling down something before pacing it over to Jace, tucking behind a piece of her hair."Heres the address" Jace looked down at the note before putting it back in his bag, zipping it up.

"Thanks, I'll see you around Clary" Jace gave her a smile, running his hand through his hair.

"See ya Jace" She returned his smile and grabbed her bag off the floor walking away from the boy, not without a finale glance at Jace. Jace continued to look at the girl as she walked away, almost entranced. Jace finally pulled his eyes away from the girl and looked over at Alec who was looking at Jace with a smile on his face, a small laugh.

"What?" Jace ran his hands through his hair pulling his bag off the floor.

"Nothing, nothing" Alec handed the water bottle back to Jace who shoved it back into his bag. He slung the bag over his shoulder and the boys started to walk away from the courts. After a few moments of silence Jace spoke up.

"Why did you tell her I won?"

Why did he tell Clary Jace had won? Alec hadn't had many friends back home, I mean he had people he hung out with but he wouldn't call them friends. They were the children of people that his dad wanted to impress, or people that wanted to work with Alec's dad do tried to be nice to Alec. Jace was neither of them, he seemed to want to be friends with Alec because he wanted to. Wether Jace would admit it or not he was clearly smitten with this Clary girl. "Looked like you could use the help?"He could hear Jace laugh to him before he turned and faced Alec.

"So burger place for lunch?" As on que Alec's stomach started to rumble, he hadn't eaten much over the last two days. 

"Sure, can grab some on the way back to the room?" Alec really did not feel like sitting in a room full of stranger, still slightly on edge from previous events.

Luckily Jace didn't argue "Yeah, sounds good" The boys walked down the road towards the burger joint. As they walked Alec found his mind wondering. Jace hadn't said anything about what Alec said on the courts, was he going to? Alec could feel a small ball of anxiety start to build in his stomach.

"-So i'm running down the road, the dogs still caching me and my phone is blowing up!" The boys walked back into the room, bags of food in each hand. Jace threw his sports bag onto the floor, climbing onto his bed and taking his food out of the bag. Alec wasn't entirely sure what Jace was talking about, his mind had wondered on the way back to the room. It wasn't because he didn't enjoy Jace's company, it was quite the opposite. Jace made him feel relaxed, happily talking about himself rather than making Alec talk about his life."Okay lets have lunch then I'll finish the story" Jace opened the box and grabbed the burger from it, clearly excited for it. Although Alec was hungry the ever present feeling of anxiety had slight swayed his appetite. Alec opened his bag and grabbed the box of chips he had gotten.  

"So hows your sister doing?" Jace was finishing the last bit of his burger, putting the empty box back in the bag.

"Izzy, yeah she's doing good, think she's coming to visit soon" Izzy had mentioned (several times) that she was going to come visit at the first opportunity she got.

"Must be excited for that!" Jace balled the bag up and throw it to the bin the the corner, the bag circling the edge before going in. Alec heard Jace mutter something under his breath a long the lines of 'why couldn't I do that earlier' Alec gave a small smile.

"Yeah, will be nice to see her" Alec felt something tug at his heart, he did miss Izzy. It had only been two days but Alec had never really spent time away from her. Sure, he didn't always go seeking her when they lived together but just having her in the house with him made him feel relaxed.

"What about your parents?" Jace stood up from the bed and grabbed his desk chair, he rolled the chair to the end of Alec's bed, his feet resting on the end of Alec's bed.

"Yeah, I'm-I don't think there visit" Alec shifter on his bed, moving his bag of chips to the side. Alec looked up from the bed and looked at Jace, he had a confused look on his face "Were not that close" Alec muttered.

"I'm sorry to hear that" Jace replied sympathetically "any reason?"

Alec had to stop himself from laughing at that question, there were a thousand reason why him and his parents weren't close; some there fault some his, the major one being his."Its-its kinda complicated" Which was true, over the last year Alec's life had become very complicated.

"Well at least this is a fresh start right? I mean you can start a new life?" Alec could tell Jace was trying to lighten the mood.

"Yeah, thats why I came" Half true; Alec had moved to New York to get away from everything at home but it wasn't the whole reason. He was set to attend Harvard like his father, he had straight A's in all his classes, even his AB classes. Alec's GPA was a solid 4.08, above the average for Harvard, he just needed one more thing to get in, a good SAT score. For Harvard you need a 2260, Alec was on track for this, then it happened. After it happened everything was thrown off for Alec, he couldn't focus on work and struggled to even be in school. He completely tanked the SAT's, even his dad's 'connections' could not grant him a place. "Things-things kinda got...overwhelming back home so I decided to come here, fresh start like you said" Alec stood up from the bed, choosing to sit down on his desk chair facing Jace "but...I dunno it just doesn't seem to be going that way at the moment" Yesterday defiantly was not a good inclination of what was to come.

"You've only been here what; two, three days? Just give it some time." Jace had taken his feet off the bed, resting his arms on his legs. He was leaning forward looking at Alec, his hands fidgeting nervously, just like Alec did. "Ma-maybe it might help to talk about it?" Alec leaned back in his chair "If you want to of course?" Alec looked at Jace, he was clearly nervous, like he was worried he would upset him. Alec never really spoke about it, sometimes Izzy would bring it up, wanting him to talk about it but Alec would either leave for change the subject, she never really pushed; the subject to raw for her. His parents had tried to get him to attend therapy for a short time but it didn't last. Alec would just sit in the sessions and not speak, refusing to answer any questions. His parents gave up and  decided it wasn't worth the money. Alec looked up from his lap, Jace was still looking at him, his expression soft, Alec wanted to trust him, he really did but there was a part of him that couldn't, not with everything, the fear of Jace knowing what he had done.

"I'm adopted." Alec was pulled out of his thoughts. Jace was looking at Alec, he had a look that Alec had never seen before on Jace; Vulnerable. "I lost my father when I was 10, went to live with this family I knew, I was a real pain in the ass and kinda struggled but eventually I learned to trust them." Alec understood what Jace was doing. He was sharing something personal and close to him, trying to make Alec feel more comfortable. Jace had emphasised the 'trust' part, clearly trying to tell Alec he could trust him, could he though? Alec took a large breath, he could already feel a lump forming in his throat. He pulled his hands into his lap, fidgeting with his hands.

"Earlier" Alec paused trying to think of what to saw. His fidgeting hands became to shake,  "When I said me and brother use to play" He felt sick just saying the word 'brother' a wave of fresh guilt washed over him, he tightened his grip on his hands.

"Yesterday you said it was just you and your sister?" Jace's voice was quite, he was leaning forward in his chair.

"Yeah it is, but It wasn't always" Alec could feel fresh tears pricking the side of his eyes, his vision slightly blurring, he took a large breath "...I had a little brother" Alec's voice slightly broke at the end. As Alec spoke images started to appear in his mind, little max dressed in his new uniform, his big wide grin filling his face, god how he missed that smile.

Jace was silent for a moment, Alec tried to blink away the tears that had gathered in the corner of his eyes, looking up at the celling. "Shit Alec, I'm-I'm so sorry-I-" He could hear the sympathy in Jace's voice, a slight hint of guilt. "What-what happened?" Alec was still looking up at the celling while Jace was talking. He looked back down at Jace's last question; What had happened. Alec instinctively shock his head, he couldn't do it. It had taken Alec six hours at the police station to finally tell them what happened and after he threw up for another two. Jace seemed to understand. "You don't have to tell me." There was no anger or betrayal in his voice, just acceptance. Alec untangled his hands from his lap and looked at Jace giving him a thankful smile. Jace looked like he was going to say something when a buzzing noise filled the room; Alec's phone. He quickly stood up and grabbed the phone out of his pocket. Jace moved back in his chair, rolling it back towards his desk. Alec looked down at the caller.

"Izzy hey" Alec tried to add some joy back into his voice but it seemed to fall flat.

"How you doing big brother?" Alec could hear talking and chatting in the background, Izzy must be in school.

"Good, good, how about you?" Alec was walking around the room, his back towards Jace who was now seated on his own bed.

"Good!! So I was just ringing to say that I'll be coming up this weekend" Izzy gave a small squeal at the end, clearly excited.

"Really! Thats- thats quick!" Alec knew his sister was going to come visit but he didn't think it would be this soon. Maybe seeing Izzy would help calm his nervous.

"Yeah well I miss you brother!" She gave a small laugh then went quick, the background noise the only sound "...Theres-theres something else as well" All the excitement had left her voice, it being replaced by nervousness.

Alec sat on the edge of his bed. "What is it?" Alec felt a cloud of anxiety settle around him.

Izzy seemed to take a breath before carrying on "Mom and dad are coming" There was a silence afterwards, neither saying anything.

"What?" The only words Alec could muster. Why would his parents becoming to see him, what could they want?

"Yeah, mom's got a conference up in New York so they said that they will come visit on Saturday, all go out for a family meal" There was a slight hesitation on the word family, it had been there since last year. Neither Izzy or Alec liked to say the word, it having a sour taste to it.

"Uhh yeah-th-that sounds good." Alec whipped a hand down his face, it going round the rub the back on his neck. "I'll see you then Izzy" Alec pulled the phone from his ear and hung up, throwing the phone on top of the nightstand. The phone landed with a loud thud, Jace looked up from his bed.

"Everything good?"

"Yeah it was my sister, she's coming up this weekend" Alec tried to focus on this, the positive. He was going to see Izzy again and get to spend time with her. He raised from the bed and grabbed the phone off the nightstand, shoving it into his pocket.

"Thats good!" Jace sounded excited for Alec, leaning forward on the bed.

"-and my parents" Alec's tone was flat and empty, void of any emotion; something he had perfected over time.

"...Really?" Jace seemed hesitant, unsure how to react.

Alec just nodded unsure what to say to Jace. His parents were coming. Never in a million years did Alec thing his parents would come to see him, they had finally got rid of him. Alec sat on the edge of his bed, he wasn't sure what to do. It was only Tuesday but Alec could feel his anxiety for the weekend already showing its head. 

His parents were coming. 


	6. Party and Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Alec and Magnus in this chapter hope you guys enjoy, next one should be up soon!
> 
> -A♥
> 
> *TW*  
> Panic attacks and mentions of self harm - see end of notes for more information if you wish to avoid this.

Alec scribbles down notes from the large whiteboard, the only sound filling is the scratching of pens and pencils on paper, the teachers voice chipping in occasionally. Luckily classes no longer consisted of graphic images to which Alec was grateful for. Alec finished writing his sentence and placed his pen down. He used his palm to rub his eyes, he hadn't got much sleep the night before still thinking about his parents, he tried to push it to the back of his mind. He had spent his sleepless night catching up on the notes he had missed. He was determined to get back on track, he had set aside time to do his notes and revision making sure he was ahead of the learning. Alec was looking at the board, the slide filled with information, Alec was trying to keep his eyes stuck on that but they kept trailing down towards the boy sat in front of him; Magnus. Today Magnus hair was stuck up, the ends dipped a dark red. He had a silky blue top that hung loosely on him. Alec looked back down at his notes. The lesson continued and after what seemed like a lifetime finally finished. Alec stood up in is chair putting his notepad back in his shoulder bag, pulling out a similar notepad. He shuffled out of his chair and walked down the step. He paused before placing the book on Magnus desk, careful to avoid his eye line.

"Thanks for the notes" With that Alec turned and hurried down the steps. He had a plan. He needed to get back on it; qualifications, job, family. What his parents wanted. Alec's hand gripped the strap of his bag. He had promised he would fulfil it, he owed it to them to the family. Alec was about to walk out of the building when he heard his name being called, he pressed forward.

"Alec!" He looked straight ahead towards the door, he was almost out. A hand gripped his shoulder, Alec spun around, his bag spinning in the air. Magnus quickly backed away from Alec, his hands held up. A look of regret on his face, he stepped back to give Alec room. "Sorry I didn't mean to startle you" Magnus carefully took a step forward.

Alec retreated, taking a step back. "Is there something I can help you with?" His tone was sharp and factual giving away no emotion.

"I just wanted to apologies for the other day I never meant to-" Alec held up his hand cutting Magnus off.

"It was a mistake, its fine" Alec turned around to walk away, wanting to escape the conversation.

"Alec-" Magnus almost sounded as if he was pleading with Alec. He reached out to grab Alec but stopped, pulling his hand back.

Alec took a large breath, he had to do it. This wasn't part of his plan. "Magnus I really appreciated your help with the notes but I don't really have time for this, goodbye." With that Alec spun around and walked around. He pushed the double doors open and walked forward. A unsettling feeling had appeared in his chest. He looked over his shoulder. Magnus was stood behind the double doors. Alec quickly looked back around. He looked up to the sky. Magnus wasn't part of the plan. Alec kept repeating the plan over in his head; qualifications, job, family. 

Again; qualifications, job, family. Alec said it over and over on the way back to his room, hoping it would stop the unsettling feeling in his chest. It didn't.

Alec grabbed the keys from his black jean, he placed them into the door walking into the room. Jace was sat at his desk; books and notes spread out in front of him. He turned around at the sound of the door. "Hey!" He spun around in his chair to face Alec

"Alright" Alec mumbled. He let his bag fall from his shoulder and walked over to his desk opening his laptop.

He could hear Jace moving around behind him, In the corner of his eye Alec could see Jace taking a seat on the edge of his bed, leaning back on his arms. "So I was thinking about Clary's party"

Alec sighed, he had hoped that Jace wouldn't bring it up again. Partying wasn't going to get him qualifications. "What about it?" Like when he talked to Magnus his voice was blunt.

"Well I was thinking her apartment is about 5 minutes away so we-" 

"We?" His voice was sharp and cold like a shard of glass.

"Yes 'We', its used by a speaker to refer to himself and one or more other people considered together." Jace's voice was laced with sarcasm. 

"I know what it means!" Alec snapped, he just wanted to get ahead on his notes.

There was a pause then a large breath from Jace "Yeah so we; me and you should leave-"

"I'm not going-" Alec hoped that would be the end of it however Jace had other ideas.

"Yes you are" His voice was firm.

Alec spun around in his chair to face Jace "Just because you want to go so you can get laid by the red head doesn't I have to go!" His voice was laced with venom, Alec hated himself for what he said. The shock in Jace's face was evident. Alec could feel regret and shame filling him. He looked away and turned back towards his computer.

"Okay I'm just going to pretend you didn't say that" Jace's voice was surprisingly calm, Alec had expected him to yell and shout. Suddenly Alec felt his chair being turned around. He tried to grab onto the desk but Jace was to quick, he was soon facing Jace, he looked down towards the floor. "You're clearly stressed about your parents coming-" Alec's head shot up but before he could interpreted, Jace carried on "Thats why you spent all night doing notes and are acting like a dick now" There was some anger in the last part of the sentence.

"I'm not acting-"

"Yes you are Alec, but luckily I'm going to forgive you but only if you come to Clary's party and have fun." Alec was still looking at the floor. Why couldn't Jace just leave him alone, thats what he wanted. Alec heard Jace sigh from the bed, he looked up. "Look it might help get your mind off your parents and whatever else is bothering you"

"Jace-"

"Alec" There was a pause in the room. The boys just staring at each other. He hated parties, lots of people and noise. He was pretty sure his parents plan didn't include parties. Alec thought about what Jace said 'Take his mind of his parents' Just the thought of his parents made his hands feel slightly sweaty and make his heart raise. Maybe a small drink would help.

"One drink" His voice was stern, Jace's face light up and wide smile on his face.

"Thats the spirt!" He gave Alec a pat on the shoulder and go up off the bed.

*******

The next few days came and went. Alec went to class, did his notes, went back to the apartment and studied. Alec kept his head down in class trying to blend in. On Thursday he and Jace went down to the courts for some game, Jace saying it would help relax him. Alec had been incredibly tense over the last few days, his parents visit growing closer. Jace seemed to understand this, Magnus on the other hand didn't. He tried to talk to Alec after class on Wednesday but Alec had made up some excuse and left not giving Magnus a chance to reply. For the next two days he actively avoided Magnus, choosing to sit somewhere different in class. He hated acting this way towards Magnus, he had done nothing wrong but Alec had to focus on his plan and sadly Magnus was not a part of that no matter how much Alec wanted him to be, not that he did of course. Before Alec knew it Friday had arrived, the night of Clary party. Alec had had class in the morning and then hit the courts with Jace for a bit. They had both came back to the apartment and ordered some Pizza before starting to get ready.

"One drink remember" Alec reminded Jace as he grabbed some clothes from his bed.

"Yep, one drink" Jace turned around and gave Alec a wink.

Alec sighed "This is so going to bite me in the ass" He muttered before going into the bathroom for a quick shower. He stepped into the warm water and tired to relax. Maybe the party wouldn't be to bad, maybe there wouldn't be many people and it would be quite. Alec had to stop himself from laughing. it was a university party, it was going to be loud and busy; two things Alec hated. He got out of the shower and grabbed his towel drying himself before grabbing his clothes; a pair of black jeans and a black long sleeved top. Alec stepped out, Jace was standing in front of the mirror which hung off the wall. He was holding up two shirt.

"Blue or Black?" Jace spoke, still looking into the mirror. 

Alec gave a quick look before sitting down on his bed starting to pull his black boots on. "Do I look like a fashion expert?"

"Just pick?!" Jace cried, clearly annoyed at Alec.

"Fine! Blue!" Jace held the blue one up and looked at it. After a second he threw it onto the bed and started to put the black shirt on. He turned to Alec who was giving him a glare. Jace just grinned, walking over to his desk grabbing a watch off the top. "Were leaving in ten minutes, go get ready" He demanded.

Alec finished lacing his shoes, standing up "I am?"

Jace stopped, looking at Alec "No your not" Alec went to protest when Jace walked towards him "Were going to a party not class!" Alec rolled his eyes and walked over to his wardrobe. He pulled open the doors and looked inside. After a moment he pulled out a denim shirt; a dark navy colour. He stomped off to the bathroom like a annoyed child being dragged around by his parents. He put the top and and came back out.

"Better?" Jace just looked at him, tilting his head to the side.

He started to walk towards Alec "Do you have anything that isn't dark?" Alec rolled his eyes again, he had a feeling he would be doing this a lot tonight.

"Can we just go and get this over with" Alec moaned, he wasn't even at the party and he already hated it.

"Fine, just-" Jace paused still looking at Alec. Alec looked up to the celling and suddenly felt a hand wrapped around his wrist, he violently pulled his hand away, hugging it to his chest protectively. 

"What the hell do you think your doing!" He screamed at Jace, still clutching his wrist. 

"Whoa I was just going to roll the sleeve up" Jace had taken a few steps back, he face looked guilty, the playful smile from his face gone. "Sorry I didn't mean-" He took a step forward towards Alec

Before Alec could stop himself the words rushed out of his mouth "Don't do that again" It wasn't a question but a demand.

Jace didn't move from his spot, he gave Alec a nod. Neither moved or said anything, an awkward tension filling the room. Alec finally let go of his wrist and headed towards the door "Lets get this over with"

The walk to Clary's apartment was short, they arrived just after 8 and the party was already in full swing. As Alec walked through the apartment door he was greeted by a wave of people, the music loud and thumping. The pair pushed through the crowd, Alec could feel his heart beat starting to quicken, he hated crowds. The lights were low making it even more difficult to see, Alec sighed.

"At least try to have fun" Jace yelled over the music.

"Jace!" A loud high pitched voice greeted Alec, Clary was walking towards the pair, a pair of black jeans and a black top with translucent lines crossing it.

"Hey!" Jace stepped forward to greet the girl, the pair exchanging a hug.

"Glad you came!" Clary beamed, looking up and down at Jace. She turned to face Alec  "Alec nice to see you again!"

Alec gave her a small nob, a small headache starting to form from the loud music, he could hear Clary and Jace talking next to him, he looked down and tried to concentrate on his shoes. Why had he agreed to this.

"Clary!" Another loud voice came, Alec looked up to see a boy pushing his way towards Clary, short brown hair and black framed glasses.

Clary stepped back from Jace and waved to the the boy "Simon! Over here!" The boy spotted her and started to walk over. Clary reached out her hand and grabbed hold of Simon pulling him into the group. Alec looked over at Jace, a annoyed glare had washed over his face. Simon came over and stood next to Clary, Alec was certain if he stood any closer he would be sat on top of her. "Um Alec, Jace this is my best friend Simon!"

"Nice to meet you guys!" Simon held out his hand, after a small pause Jace shock it, he motioned his hand towards Alec, who reluctantly returned the shake. "So whats your major?"

"History" Jace replied, his tone flat.

"Criminal Defence" Alec's replied with a hint of annoyance. 

"I'm doing Tech, I know that sounds super nerdy but trust me its not-well it kinda is but-" The kid rambled on about his class for what seemed like forever, after that he started to talk about films and to everyones surprise it turned out Jace and Simon liked the same films. They started to talk about something but Alec zoned out, at some point simon had gotten the boys some drink, some sort of beer or cider, Alec wasn't sure.

"-And then the screen fades to dark, I mean incredible ending right!" Alec came back just as Simon was finishing his story. Alec downed the reminder of his drink turing to Jace.

"I've had one drink" He said matter of factually

"Oh come on Alec!" Jace sighed.

"Whats the problem" Clary looked at the pair, clearly not understanding what was going on.

"Lightwood here is being boring-" 

"-I'm not being boring I just-" Before Alec would make his argument, Simon stepped forward a shocked look on his face.

"Wait did you say Lightwood?" Alec looked from Jace to Simon. Simon was just starting at Alec when suddenly his face lit up in excitement "Ho-Holy crap Alec Lightwood-your Alexander Lightwood, your dad is Robert Lightwood!" Crap. Alec looked up at the celling then back at Jace, a annoyed scowl on his face, Jace mouthed the word 'sorry' to Alec.

"I'm sorry who?" Clary replied, pushing a piece of fiery red hair out of her face.

"Oh only one the most furious, scariest, smartest defence lawyers!" Simon was making large motions with his hands, a wide smile on his face. Of course this kid knew about his dad, it was just Alec's luck.

"I didn't know you knew about the law" Clary laughed, clearly impressed by Simons knowledge.

"You don't need to know about the law to know Robert Lightwood! He's defended some of the most evilest criminals alive." Alec felt his stomach cheern, it was true, his dad was known for defending some of the sickest people alive, people that had done things of nightmares, some had been put away, some her had gotten free. Alec wondered how his dad slept at night, probably like Alec did; filled with guilt. "You should watch him in court its-its amazing! His winning rate is one of the best, he-"

"Simon why don't you go grab Clary another drink?" Jace replied, looking between Alec and Simon. Jace had clearly picked that Alec was not comfortable talking about his dad, probably remembering his conversation from yesterday. 

Simon didn't answer, still looking at Alec like he wanted to say something, Clary nudged her elbow and Simon reacted, stepping back into the crowd. "Ohh ye-yeah sure, I'll be right back!"

"It literally never stops talking" Alec mumbled. He wanted to leave, now.

"I haven't even given you guys the tour yet!" Clary was looking at the boys with a wide smile, clearly trying to lighten the mood. Before Jace could reply Alec spoke up.

"You guys go ahead, I'm going to go grab a drink" With that Alec walked off to find alcohol. Alec reached a table full of drink. He picked up a bottle of something and poured it into a cup taking a sip.

"Alec!" Simon was walking over, Alec was about to leave but Simon caught up before he could. "Sorry about rambling about your dad its just he's so fascinating, the stories he must tell you-" Simon stopped talking, his child like excitement gone, it was replaced by a look Alec had seen many times over the last year; pity "Listen what happened last year with your broth-"

Before simon could finish Alec held his hand up "Don't" he snapped. Simon closed his mouth, sympathy still in his eyes. Alec chugged the last of his drink and picked up another one walking away from Simon. Of course he knew about that to, the kid seemed to know everything. Alec found a empty chair and sat down. He pulled out his phone and took a swig of his drink. He played some crap game on his phone and drank, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone. After a while he finished his drink, he walked over to get another one. 

He wasn't sure how it happened but some how he ended up chatting to some girl from his class, she was talking about her family and hobbies, twirling her blond hair around her fingers. Alec had by now had a few drinks, slightly swaying on his feet. The girl was smiling up at Alec, her eyelashes fluttering. She passed him another drink and carried on her story. Alec continued to drink when a familiar voice spoke up from behind him.

"Well I didn't expect to see you here" Alec turned around to see Magnus stood behind him. He was dressed in Black jeans and a dark purple shirt, embedded with golden swirls, the top three of four buttons were undone exposing his chest. He had a golden silk scarf hanging from his neck.

"Magnus!" Alec yelled, he slightly unsteadily walked away from the girl towards Magnus. "What are you doing here!" He yelled once he reached him.

"Its a party, I'm always at them!" Magnus joked, the dim light catching his eyes. Alec's heart speed up, not from anxiety this time but something different.

"Right, right!" Alec stuttered, taking a sip from his bottle.

"I didn't take you for the party type?" Magnus replied smoothly, his voice like silk.

"I'-I'm not but Jace made me come because he wants to get in Clary's pants" Alec took another sip of his drink, he blinked a couple of times to try and clear his slightly blurred vision.

Magnus gave a loud laugh, a large grin following "Your even cuter when you're drunk?"

"I'm not drunk!" A small hiccup followed Alec's answer, completely undermining his protests.

"Sure!"

"I am not, look!" Alec closed his eyes and used his free hand to point to his nose, trying to prove his soberness, it took him a few seconds but eventually he got there. He opened his eyes to see Magnus grinning at him. Alec had missed his smile. "You know I've never seen anyone wear as much as glitter as you!"

"I would hope not!" Magnus laughed.

Alec looked at Magnus "It looks good" He observed the golden glitter that was covering Magnus eyes.

"Does it now" A hint of surprise in his voice.

"Yeah I like it" Alec announced, he swayed on his feet.

Magnus shook his head, a playful grin on his face. "I'll keep that in mind" 

"Your very-" Before Alec could finish something collied into his side, it sent him crashing to the floor. Alec could hear noise around him and lots of movement. Suddenly Magnus face was inches from him, his grin gone, replaced by a worried look.

"Alec are you okay?!" He reached out and cupped Alec's face like he was checking for injuries.

"Yeah, I just-wha-what happened" Alec's head was spinning, his vision slightly blurry. He couldn't really focus on anything. Alec could feel a small sting forming on his left hand, he looked down to where it was. The bottle he was drinking had smashed in his hand, pieces littered on the floor around him. Alec pulled his hand off the floor. Small shards of glass were embedded in his hand, that wasn't what caught his eye thought. In the certain of her palm was a extremely large and deep cut, a blooded shard of glass next to the floor.

"Alec your hand!" Magnus gasped.

The buzz that Alec had been feeling vanished, like someone had throw cold water over him. Expect it wasn't cold water that was currently gushing down his hand; it was blood. Warm, thick, sticky blood. "Oh god" Alec instantly felt sick, he looked up, a crowd had formed around him. The room instantly felt 10 times smaller. Alec looked back down again.

_Blood_

"Alec?" Magnus reached out to grab Alec. Alec tried to move away, his put his uninjured hand down to push himself up, his arm gave way but someone grabbed hold of him to stop him crashing to the floor again. Alec tried to push them off. He stumbled forward into a wall. His head was spinning, like he was on spinning tea cups. He turned around, the crowd was still stood there, all eyes on him. He had to get out.

"I-I need to-" Alec stuttered and stumbled. He started to push himself through the crowd, there were so many people. Alec felt his chest tighten, breathing becoming harder. He escaped the room and flew down the flight of stairs, nearly tripping over his feat. He crashed out of the building onto the empty street. It was dark, only a few street lights around. He tried to breath but found nothing. The stinging in his hand becoming a throb. He looked back down, under the streetlight Alec could see the real damage. His hand was almost completely red, tracks of blood running down his wrist, he could smell the blood. Alec staggered towards the buildings wall, using his free hand to support himself.

"ALEC!" A voice yelled from behind him, he didn't move. Alec felt his he was spinning, unable to focus on anything. He didn't know where to look or what to do. He could still smell the blood. Alec hunched over and threw up the pizza he had had earlier, his arm that was supporting him began to shake. 

_"Your fine- your-your going to be fine, I promise” Alec stumbled over his words, pushing down harder on the wound, the blood seeping through his coat onto his hands._

"Alec?!" The voice sounded panic, scarred.

Alec tied to focus on the wall in front of him but it wasn't working. He pushed him self off the wall and stumbled back. A loud crash sounded  - 

_A ear shattering boom rang out on the alley, the sharp noises echoed for a few seconds before silence befall the alley._

Alec jumped back, spinning around, his back collied with something -

_“LET HIM GO NOW!-LET HIM G-“ He was slammed back into the wall, a cold blade being pressed against his neck. Alec froze._

Alec squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't know what was happening, he looked back down at his hand, the blood still pouring.

_“No, no, no, no, this is-isn’s happening” Alec shocked his head, pushing down on the wound which still poured with blood. “MAX! No please do-don’t” Alec couldn't breath, he felt as if someone was squeezing his lungs preventing now air from travelling._

"No, no, no, no" Alec was shaking his head, tears had spilled over the edge of his eyes and were running down his cheek. 

"Alec whats wrong?" The voice sounded closer, a carrying tone -

_“Someone call a ambulance”A voice screamed from behind him; a woman. Alec didn’t move from his position._

_“Kid are you okay? A different voice this time; a man._

"Alec what happened?" Alec had his eyes shut still, but the voice seemed to be closer again, he backed up against the wall

_“Oh my god what happened? The woman screamed, she was clearly distraught._

_“Kid-“ Alec felt a hand grab his shoulder trying to pull him back from Max. He spun round and pushed the man off him, “GET OFF ME!”_

"Alec-" A hand grasped Alec's shoulder-

"GET OFF ME!" Alec screamed pushing the arm off his shoulder, he fell back against the wall and slid down it crashing onto the floor. His hand was clasped into his chest.

"Okay, okay I wont touch you!" Alec had his eyes squeezed shut hopping to escape this nightmare, he didn't know what was happening or going on, the only thing he could register was the blood. Alec felt like ice was running through his veins, he felt trapped, like he was suffocating or was being choked. Alec wanted to get up and run but he couldn't move. 

"Alec you need to clam down, you need to breath" The voice was right in front of him now, it was gentle and soft. He felt a hand rest under his chin, he want to move away but he couldn't. The hand tilted his head up. Magnus was looking at Alec, his eyes were wide with alarm.

"I-I can't- I-" Alec pulled his head away and looked back down, a wave of sickness came over him. "It wont co-come off-I-I" Alec looked up at the black sky, more tears spilled over the edge, tumbling down his face.

"Alec I'm going to put this one your cut is that okay?" Alec's chest was hurting, he was hurting all over but at the same time he felt numb. "Alec?"

Alec looked down to see Magnus holding the golden scarf in his hand. Alec nodded unsure if he could produce any words. Magnus careful reached out and wrapped the scarf around his hand. He paused before looking back up at Alec. "I'm going to put pressure on the wound, its probably going to hurt" He was speaking slow and calm. Alec looked down the golden scarf was beginning to become soaked in blood. A hand cupped the side of Alec check bring it back up "Hey, look at me okay? Don't look at the blood look at me" It wasn't demanding, Alec went to move his head when Magnus spoke again "Look at my eyes okay? Just concentrate on my eyes Alexander" Alec did what Magnus said. He looked at Magnus eyes. His eyes almost seemed to be glowing in the night. His pupils were wide and alert. "Just breath"

"I-I feel sick" Alec's voice was horse and weak like a small child. The hand cupped Alec's cheek again, brushing away a tear that was trickling down his face.

"Hey its fine" Magnus's hand was still cupping Alec's cheek. "Okay, we need to get you to a hospital-" Alec ripped his hand from Magnus hugging it close.

"No! No please, don't-don't make me go! Please" Alec pleased, his chest tightening again, all the fear and panic coming back.

"Okay, okay shh, hey!" Magnus reached out to grab the injured hand again. He didn't know what to do. Alec should really get his hand seen to, it would probably need stitches or something. He should just tell Alec that he has to go, but he couldn't. Alec looked completely broken, like a scarred child trying to hide from a monster, Magnus sighed "Why don't you come back to mine okay? I live just round the corner i'll clean your hand up and then get you back to your apartment?" Alec didn't move, Magnus carefully reached out and put his hand on Alec's shoulder, not wanting to scare him. "I'm going to help you up okay?" Alec didn't say anything, just giving a small nod. Magnus moved to the side of Alec, taking his uninjured arm and wrapping it around his shoulders. He slowly started to move up from the floor. Once they were standing Magnus took the careful journey back. Alec was incredibly unsteady on his feet, his whole body shaking. Magnus pulled him closer. Once they reached place Magnus quickly unlocked the door still holding onto Alec. They stumbled into the room and reached Magnus bed. He careful put Alec down, kneeling in front of him.

"Alright so just lie here okay, I'm going to go grab the first aid kit" He made sure Alec was okay and understood then rushed into the bathroom throwing open all the cupboards trying to find the dam medical kit. He pulled everything out until he located the green bag. He tugged it out and started to empty the contents onto the floor. Magnus grabbed badges and antiseptic cream, it wasn't until now that he notices his hands were shaking. He placed the equipment of the floor and breathed. What had just happened. Him and Alec were having a conversation, the first one since Alec had cut off all contact with Magnus, they were joking and Magnus was pretty sure Alec was flirting, then everything went to shit. When Alec stumbled out of the room he chased after him. By the time he got outside he saw Alec struggling to breath and mutter 'no' over and over. Magnus had never been so scared in his whole life, he didn't know what to do. He worked out that Alec was having some sort of panic attack but didn't know how to react. Touching him seemed to make it worse. Magnus ran his hand through his hair before picking up the medical things. When he came back out of the bathroom, Alec was passed out on the bed, his breathing had evened out. Magnus walked over to Alec's side, he carefully pick up his legs which were hanging off the end of the bed and placed them on the bed. He knelt down beside Alec and carefully untied the scarf. Alec's hand was almost completely red. Magnus took the damp cloth and began to clean around the cut. 

Once it was all clean Magnus could see the injury better, it wasn't as bad as he thought, still a nasty cut but Alec could probably get by without stitches. Luckily all the shards of glass had fallen out of Alec's hand. Magnus looked down at the cut, he still needed to clean it but didn't want to wake Alec. He shakily pressed the damp cloth to the cut. Alec moaned a bit in his sleep but didn't wake, Magnus sighed with relief. He continued to clean the cut until he was certain it was okay. He got a but of the cream putting it on the wound. Alec groaned and shifted on the bed but luckily stayed asleep. He grabbed the badges and started to wrap the wound when he notices some more blood on Alec's wrist. He had forgotten to clean that part, he undid the buttons on Alec's shirt and rolled up his sleeve. Magnus used the cloth to wipe away the left over blood, once the wrist was clear Magnus froze, his shaky hands not moving. He felt a lump begin to rise in his throat. Across Alec's wrist skin were horizontal lines, some were extremely pale and hard to see, others were redder clearly newer ones; maybe a month old, maybe shorter Magnus wasn't sure. He felt tears prick the corner of his eyes, a sense of disappear and fear washed over him.

"Oh Alexander" Magnus whispered. "What happened to you?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the later part of this pic a character experiences a panic attack and flashback to a traumatic event, the section is quite lengthy. The last paragraph of the fic there is a brief mention of past self harming, this is only a few sentences and does not go into graphic detail.


	7. Meet The Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec must deal with the repercussions of the previous night while preparing for the arrival of his parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I had to delete the chapter and repost it because I was having some technique issues (it wasn't showing up in the tags/saying it was last updated on the 19th) Sorry I had to delete it but needed to see if this would fix it.
> 
> So sorry this is late, I will try to be quicker but I've got so much on at the moment I can't promise! Anyway I hope you guys like this chapter, love ya!
> 
> -A♥

Alec's eyes fluttered opened, immediately closing again as the bright light stung his eyes, sending a wave of pain through his head. Alec groaned before pulling himself up on the bed, the bright red sheets falling around his lap. A wave of dizziness sent him back down, Alec started up at the celling, he brought his right hand up to his face and rubbed his eyes, god his head hurt. He went to push himself up again with his free hand when a crippling pain shot through his body. Alec flew up on the bed, clutching his left hand tight to his chest. He slowly pulled it away and looked down to see a white badged wrapped round his hand, the sleeves of his shirt stained in blood. What the hell happened?  Alec shifted on his bed, the red sheets-

Red sheets. Alec had blue sheets. Alec quickly looked around him. This wasn't his room. He jumped off the bed ignoring the pain that caused his head and stood in the room. It was very large, a four post bed stood in the centre, red sheets and cushions covering it, the bed frame made from dark oak. There was a large wooden door, Alec crept forward and lightly pushed opened the door, peaking his head through. It was empty. He quietly walked out into the large open living room. A black leather sofa was located in the middle, book shelfs covering the walls that weren't occupied with paintings. The walls were covered in dark brick, opposite him was a large window, covering a whole wall. The Brooklyn Bridge could be seen in the distance. Alec went to get a closer look when a voice called out from the side of him "Alexander you're awake!" Alec jumped like a scared cat, spinning around to see who was there. Magnus was walking into the room through a arch way, leading into the kitchen. He was wearing a pair of dark blue jeans, a long black silk shirt, the top few buttons left undone. His hair and face was void of make-up.

"How are you feeling?" He carefully walked forward, his gel free hair flopping to one side.

"Where are we?" Alec looked around the loft again, he had no memory of coming back here or where even 'here' was.

"My apartment" Magnus offered. He walked up to Alec and seemed to be studying him with his eyes.

Magnus's place? Why was Alec here, more importantly why did he wake up in Magnus's bed. Alec could feel his headache growing. He brought his uninjured hand to rub his forehead.

Magnus was stood in front of him, his head tilted to one side. "What do you remember from last night?" His voice sounded soft and delicate, very unlike Magnus, what had happened to make him sound so nervous.

What did Alec remember? He remembered turning up at the party with Jace and that annoying kid called Simon and then everything goes blurry, like someone had put a wall up in his mind. "Umm, I-I can't remember anything?" His heart started to beat faster, its pace quickening, why couldn't he remember? Was his brain trying to protect him from something? He had blood on his sleeve, he was at Magnus's place, he couldn't remember anything. Alec squeezed his eyes shut hoping something would come back to him. Nothing did. He felt himself stagger backwards, he reach out his hand to clasp the leather sofa, he saw Magnus take a cautious step forward, like he was unsure what to do or what to say.

Magnus give a small smile, something hidden behind it "Thats okay-" 

Alec pushed himself off the sofa and walked forward towards Magnus, he needed to know. "What happened?"

Magnus tried to hide the concern and panic from his face. Alec had no memory of the whole incident last night, maybe his mind blocked it, maybe he was to drunk to remember? Magnus bit the front part of his lip, Magnus was afraid of this. Magnus had spent the majority of the night pacing his living room debating what to do, what he should do if Alec didn't remember. He came to the logically conclusion that he should tell Alec, it was the right thing to do, but as Alec stood unsteadily on his feet, his face flushed with fear Magnus couldn't help but doubt himself. He cursed, Alec was clearly shaken and he didn't want to make it worse by causing him to remember last night but as a image of white scars across pale skin flashed up in his mind he knew that he needed to talk to Alec about this. "Maybe we should-" Before Magnus could finish Alec's phone came to life in his pocket, Alec reached in and pulled out his phone, a confused look on his face. across

12 missed calls from Jace. Why was Jace trying to call Alec, he brought the phone up to his face "Jace-"

"Where the hell are you!?" Jace yelled, his voice laced with worry and anger.

Alec pulled the phone away from his ear, the loud noise feeling like a bat to his head "What d-"

"I was looking for you all night and then I woke up this morning and you weren't here!" He could hear Jace breathing hard like he was out of breath, "I went looking for you last night and someone said you took off and there was glass all over the floor and blood everywhere. I went outside and there was blood on the walls and on the streets I-I thought something happened to you! I tried to ring you but you didn't pick up! What the hell happened?!" Jace had finished his rant and was still breathing hard, he could hear movement on the other line like he was pacing. Alec was stood frozen; blood, glass? Alec looked down at his hand, how could Alec not remember what happened?

"I-I don't know I-" Alec felt his chest tighten slightly, the stress starting to get to him, Jace had a million questions and Alec couldn't answer them. He looked around the room to see if there was any evidence of what had happened. The place was spotless, the only out of place thing was him.

"Alec your scaring me man, where are you?" Jace sounded scared, which was something new to Alec, the fear in Jace's voice spread to Alec, he tightened his grip on the phone and turned to face Magnus. He was stood a few feet away, twisting the rings on his finger. Something seem to click in Magnus head, he took a small step forward before reaching out and taking the phone from Alec, his tightened grip instantly loosened when Magnus griped his hand. Magnus placed the phone to his ear and gave Alec a quick smile.

Alec clearly remembered nothing and Jace's (who even that was) questions were just stressing the young boy out. "Hello?" 

"Who is this? Wheres Alec?" A aggressive tone shot down the phone.

Usually Magnus wouldn't take that kind of tone from some stranger but he could tell he was just worried about Alec which he understood "I'm Alec's friend; Magnus Bane. Alec had a little to much to drink last night and cut his hand, he's fine I took him back to my apartment to clean his wound and he passed out asleep. He's safe" Magnus turned around to look at Alec who hadn't moved from his spot, he seemed to be starring at the floor in deep concentration.

There was a large sigh "Thank god, he scared the shit outta me" The boy was clearly worried about Alec that much was apparent.

"Yeah, sorry about that one, he's all good though." Magnus pinched the bridge of his nose, 'all good' was the last phrase Magnus would use to describe Alec

"Is he coming back, does he need me to pick him up-"

"No no, I'll look after him its fine." Magnus gave a dramatic wave of his hand

"Okay, just get him to text me when he can, let me know he's alright." The boy sounded very worn out, clearly his worry for Alec had taken a toll on him.

"Will do" With that Magnus hung up, placing the phone on a small sofa chair next to him. He gave a large sigh, now to have a conversation that he really didn't want to have. He turned back round to look at Alec who was still looking down at the floor, his uninjured hand carefully rubbing the bandage, his hand suddenly froze and Alec looked up from the floor, his face was chalk white, his eyes wide like tunnels.

It was if someone had taken a sledge hammer to the wall in Alec's mind, everything came flooding back to him; Magnus, the bottle, his hand, the street. He felt that now familiar sense of dread and humiliation well up inside of his chest "Oh god- I-I-remember-" Alec wanted to hide. He wanted to disappear right now, curl up in a ball and never return. 

Magnus started to walk forward, motioning to the sofa behind Alec "Why don't we sit down-"

"There was blood everywhere-" Alec looked back down at his hand, images of blood flowing from the wound consumed his mind, he felt his whole body tense up. He started to back up, the large open room which now seemed like a small box. The back of his legs caught the sofa, he sunk down onto it, squeezing his eyes. 

Magnus rushed over towards Alec "Alec please don't do this-"

Alec was looking down at his hand,  "I-I couldn't get-"

Magnus knelt down in front of Alec, his voice soft "Hey, hey its fine" he reached out and took hold of Alec's hand, lightly wrapping is own around it "Look at your hand, theres no blood; see?" He lifted the hand up towards Alec to show him the fresh white bandage, Alec looked down at his hand, his face still unsure "Its all good, turns out I'm a fabulous nurse" Alec give a finale look at his hand before looking back up to Magnus. Alec's eyes were shiny from unshed tears, Magnus gave him a warm smile, his hand still wrapped around his Alec's. Magnus was about to move when he heard Alec say something.

"I'm sorry" it was broken and small and made Alec hate himself more.

"Pardon?" the confusion was apparent in his voice. 

Alec could feel more tears start to gather in his eyes, he hated it. "I'm sorry for ruining you night and scarf and-" Alec tried to pull his hand away from Magnus but Magnus held his grip, his warm hand surrounding Alec's trembling one.

"Alec-"

"I should of-I'm sorry-I-" Alec felt himself shutting down, he couldn't believe what had happened, this was meant to be a fresh start, he had told himself that so many times and this was the second time he had failed,

"You need to stop apologising for things that aren't your fault" His voice was firm but somehow still soft. He just didn't get it, It was Alec's fault, everything that had happened over the last year was Alec's fault. He could bare to look at Magnus anymore to turned his head away, looking at the floor. 

"Alexander, look at me, please." Alec kept his head away, he hated when people saw him like this; vulnerable and weak. Alec was about to stand up when a hand lightly gripped his chin, Alec tried to turn away more but eventual gave up, allowing Magnus to turn his head back towards him. He kept his eyes fixed down, stubbornly avoiding Magnus eyes. Magnus lifted Alec chin up, forcing Alec to look at him. Magnus looked tired, his eyes which usually danced with confidence and joy were now drowning in worry. "You don't need to apologies to me-" Alec went to interrupt when Magnus took his hand from Alec's face and put it around his hand like the other, his two hands now enclosing his injured one.  "-You did nothing wrong." He sounded so sure and confident yet he had no idea, no clue what Alec was really running from. Magnus was looking at Alec carefully when he released Alec's hand and brought it back up to his face, cupping his cheek, he paused "I'm not going to hurt you Alec. Ever" He spoke slowly and firm, like it was the most important thing for Alec to understand. Magnus hand didn't move from his cheek as a tear finally made its way down Alec's cheek, crashing into Magnus hand.

"Thank you Magnus" His voice was quite and unsure. His eyes never left Magnus, and neither did Magnus's. The pair just sat in silence for a while, both unsure what to do or say. Over the last year Alec had lost a lot, a list to long to name. Since that day Alec had never felt safe, always looking around him, jumping at any noise. He felt exposed and unsafe, however as he sat on the safe, Magnus knelt in front of him one hand wrapped around his the other on his cheek; Alec felt safe.

The buzzing noise sounded from the sofa chair next to the pair, Magnus slowly pulled his hands away and walked over to the phone picking it up and handing it to Alec.

"Izzy" He carefully stood up from the sofa, walking around towards the large window

"Hey big bro, I am so excited to see you today! I've been thinking about it all week?!" She gave a excited shriek causing Alec to remember his hangover. 

Oh crap "Its Saturday" Alec was meant to be going out for a family meal later this evening, it was the last thing Alec wanted to be doing.

"Yeah It is! Were going to leave in about a hour, will take us about four hours to get there so we will probably arrive at about 5pm and then I'll come pick you up at about 6pm?" She rambled off the information giving another squeak at the end of the phone.

"Um yeah that sounds good" Alec leaned the side of his body against the wall, using his hand to rub his head.

"Are you okay?" 

"Yeah why?" Alec gave a small cough trying to persuade his voice to be more convincing 

"You just seem a little off" She had stopped squealing and now had a more concerned tone. He didn't like it when Izzy worried about him, she had another to deal with at school and at home.

"No I'm fine just a little tired" It was true, Alec was tried even though he had slept the whole night he still felt a weight on his across.

"Well get some rest and I'll see you later!  "Love you Alec!" Alec gave a little smile, he really did love his sister.

"Love you too Izzy" Alec clicked the phone off and put it into his pocket. He paused before turning around to see Magnus standing by the sofa, twisting the rings on his fingers.

He took a step forward towards Alec "Hows your sister"

"Good, she-she's coming up today; with my parents" Alec felt some tension drip back into his body at the mention of his parents.

"Oh, how nice" Magnus gave a large smile, stopping just in front of Alec.

"Yeah"

Magnus clapped his hands together before turning around and walking back towards the kitchen "Well I could really some coffee and something to eat-"

Alec shifted on his feet and walked away from the window, he looked down at the floor as he passed Magnus "Oh yea-yeah I should get going anyway-"

"-I was going to ask if you wanted some" Alec stopped, he slowly turned around. Magnus was leaning against the door his arms crossed over his chest. Magnus could see the conflicted look on Alec's face. Before Alec could protest Magnus pushed himself off the wall and came towards Alec.

"Look your hungover, some good breakfast and coffee will help?" Alec was looking down at the floor, something Magnus noticed Alec did a lot, like he was trying to hide from the world.

"I don't want to cause anymore trouble" He muttered. Magnus felt his chest ache for Alec. He walked over to him, tilting his head to the side, he wanted to reach out to Alec but didn't know how he would respond.

"Alec, you don't cause me trouble, quite the opposite actually" Magnus gave Alec a little smile and to Magnus surprise Alec returned it, shifting on his feet. Magnus walked back over to the kitchen. "What would you like for breakfast?"

Alec followed behind him "Umm I don't mind, whatever you're having?" The pair walked into the kitchen. It was very large, a white marble island in the centre. Alec carefully took a seat while Magnus walked over to the fridge, pulling out some ingredients.

"Well I'm going to have blueberry pancakes?" He placed them on the side and brushed his hair out of his face.

Alec was playing with his hands nervously "Yeah that-that sounds good" Magnus gave a quick smile before starting work on breakfast. There was a moment of silence before Magnus spoke over his shoulder to Alec.

"So hows the hand feeling?"

Alec looked down at his hand, a small spot of blood had gathered in the centre, he turned his hand around so he couldn't see. "Yeah its good thanks, thanks for sorting it out" Magnus continued cooking the pancakes, adding the ingredients to the pan. Magnus filled the pancake before adding it to a plate and walking back over to Alec.  

He placed the plate in front of Alec and walked back over to the coffee pot "So what have your got planned with your sister?" He poured the coffee into a large white mug, walking back over to Alec.

Alec gave a small smile before picking up the mug with his uninjured hand. "Think were all going out for a meal and then I might spend the day with her tomorrow" Magnus could see Alec was thinking over something in his head.

"Sounds lovely" Magnus walked over to grab himself some coffee, pouring it into his favourite mug.

"Yeah" His voice sounded hollow and empty.

Magnus momentarily stopped poring his coffee "That didn't sound very convincing?"

Magnus took a seat opposite Alec, he was picking at the blueberries in his pancake not looking up "No, I am excited to see my sister, I love her its just...My parents are coming as well" He sighed and took a small bite of the pancake.

Magnus took a small sip of his drink, the warm steam hitting his face "Oh, not excited to see them"

"More like the other way round" Alec used his hand to rub his left wrist, Magnus sat up in his chair feeling himself tense, a feeling of dread washed over him knowing he needed to talk to Alec about what he had discovered.

"There not excited to see you?" His voice was careful, looking at Alec's hand while it nervously rubbed his wrist.

He pulled his hand away and sat up in the chair bringing his hand up to run through his hand coming to rest on the back of his neck. "Its-its-"

"-Complicated" Alec took his hand off his neck, leaning forward on his chair. He crossed his arms and on the counter.

"Yeah, we don't really get along" Alec didn't like to think about his parents, he rested his head on his arms on the table. 

"I can't imagine anymore not getting on with you Alexander" Magnus was smiling his large smile at Alec, a warm look on his face. It was odd. Alec had only known Magnus for a short time but he felt safe with him, like he wouldn't be judged. Alec was looking at Magnus while he drinking his coffee. The bright light from the kitchen making his eyes stand out, the worry he had seen earlier was still there, like he was thinking hard about something. Alec pulled his eyes away from Magnus looking back down at his hand. Alec suddenly became very aware of the fact that he still had blood on his sleeve and on his shirt. He quickly stood up from his chair.

"I should really get going, I've got some work to do before I meet my parents" 

Magnus quickly chugged the rest of his coffee and stood up "Let me grab my coat and-"

Alec shook his head, "No, no its fine I can walk back, some air will help" Alec gave a forced smile, walking out of the kitchen, he needed to get out of these clothes.

"Do you know the way back?"

"Yeah i'll be fine, thanks Magnus" Alec called over his shoulder as he headed towards the door.

"Alec!" Alec stood in his tracks, slowly turning around. Magnus was rocking on his feet, twisting his rings nervously like he wanted to say something but didn't know how to! "If you ever need to talk about anything, feel free to call me or drop round, whenever" Alec looked at Magnus, he gave a little smile before turning around and leaving. As he left the building taking off in the direction he fault was the way back, his memory still a little blurry, he pulled his phone out of his pocket, opening his contact list. He scrolled down to 'M' He clicked the name.

_11:47am: Thanks for fixing my hand, sorry for all the trouble p.s the pancakes were good - Alec_

His hand hovered over the send button before he hit it. He held the phone for a few more moment, as he was about to put it into his pocket it went off.

_11:47am: Its okay Alexander, glad you enjoyed them I'll have to make you some proper food some time p.s I knew you kept my number ;) - Magnus_

Alec looked at the message before closing his phone and putting it back into his pocket. shoved his hands into his pocket and continued home.

**********

Alec managed to find his way back to the apartment, it only taking him around 10 minutes. Alec walked towards the dorm room. He turned the handle and pushed open the door. Jace was sitting at his desk. His head quickly turned around and as soon as he saw Alec he jumped up rushing over to him.

"Alec!" Jace had a wide smile on his face. 

"hey-" Jace pulled Alec in for a hug, Alec awkwardly just stood there. Jace pulled back, the smile still on his face. He looked down at Alec and his smile dropped. 

"Holy shit what happened?" Alec followed Jace's eye line, a large red stain was in the middle of his denim shirt. 

Alec walked pass Jace towards his cupboard "Oh it, it looks worse than it is trust me" He pulled open the doors and grabbed a baggy grey sweater with small holes littered across it. He also grabbed a pair of joggers.

"You scared the hell out of me man I thought you were attack or something!" Jace walked over to Alec, his face was filled with worry.

Alec felt bad, he didn't want to cause Jace to worry, he probably should of called Jace to tell him he wasn't coming back but Alec was in no condition to make any kind of call last night. "Yeah sorry, I didn't get a chance to ring I was pretty out of it" 

Jace gave a small small "Its fine, I-I was just worried" He walked back over to his desk, flopping down into the chair.  "So you excited to see your sister today?"

Alec took his phone out of hit pocket and throw it on the bed, it landing with a small thud. "Yeah, It will be good" Alec just kept focusing on the thought of Izzy, trying to ignore the thought of his parents "So how was the rest of the party?"

"Well after you took off it was kinda shit, I spent most of the night looking for you and then I cam back to our place but you weren't here and I kinda passed out" Jace was typing away on his computer.

Alec felt more guilt creep into his chest "Sorry"

Jace seemed to pick up on Alec deflated, turing around on his seat to look at Alec. "You don't have to apologies Alec, I was pretty tired and that Simon guy wouldn't stop talking so I didn't mind" Jace gave Alec a small smirk before turning back towards his screen.

It didn't do much to change the guilt in Alec's chest, picked off his clothes off the bed and made his way to the bathroom to get cleaned up "Well I'm going to get some work done before my sister turns up" Alec closed the door to the bathroom and walked in, placing his clothes on top of the toilet lid. Alec looked into the mirror; he was a mess. His shirt was covered in blood, his left sleeve getting the worse of it. Alec's face seemed sunken in, his face like chalk. Alec wanted to forget about the whole of last night, everything. Why did he agree to go to the stupid party, he knew it would end badly. Alec wrapped his hand around his bandage, rubbing the area where his wound was. 

His parents were coming. Alec had been trying to push the thought out of his head but it kept forcing its way to the front. How would Alec explain his wound? He couldn't tell them he went to a party, 'Partying isn't the way to get results' his dad would say. Alec pushed down on his cut, a sharp pain went though his body. Alec relaxed slightly, the pain giving Alec a short escape from his problems. He knew this was a dangerous slop, he had stopped doing this months ago and promised Izzy he would never do it again. He gave another small squeeze. He was slipping and he knew it, this was how it started last time. He pulled his hand away and turned on the shower taking off his bloodied clothes. He wouldn't slip, if not for himself, but for Izzy.

**********

Alec was holding two ties up against his white shirt, he hated wearing suits, they always made him feel false, like he was on show.

"Grey" Alec turned around to see Jace laid out on his bed reading some history text book.

"huh?"

"The grey tie, its goes better with the suit" Alec looked back into the mirror, he threw the blue tie on the bed and started to tie the grey one. Alec finished and looked in the mirror, he noticed that the white bandage had become even more red, he quickly looked away, he really needed to change it but didn't know if he could cope looking at the wound without spiraling into some form of panic attack. He looked back over at Jace.

"Hey do...do you think you could change the bandage...I...don't think I can do it" Alec felt like a child, he cringed. Jace looked up from his book and gave Alec a reassuring smile before moving off the bed into the bathroom. Alec waited before Jace came out with the rooms medical kit. Jace motioned with his head for Alec to sit on the bed, Alec did so. Jace sat next to Alec and opened the bag grabbing a antiseptic wipe and some more bandages. Jace was about to take Alec's hand when he stopped, he looked up at Alec. Alec gave a confused look before realising that he was asking permission to touch his hand. Alec give a little smile and nodded. Jace took Alec's hand and started to undone the bandage, Alec quickly looked away making sure he couldn't see the blood. He heard Jace swear under his breath as Alec felt a rush of air connect with his hand. 

"This is going to sting" Alec bit the bottom of his lip anticipating the pain. A sharp stinging spread through his hand, he gripped  the bed with his other hand "Sorry!" Alec gave a nod and Alec felt a bandage being wrapped around his hand. "All done" Alec looked back around, he gave Jace a quick smile and stood up from the bed.

"Thanks" He walked over to his bed and grabbed his black suit jacket slipping it on.

"I didn't picture you as a suit guy" Jace had laid back on the bed, picking is book back up.

"I'm not" Alec did the buttons up, he felt like he was being trapped.

Jace gave a small laugh "Why you wearing one then?"

"Because were going to some fancy restaurant" The displeasure was evident in Alec's voice, he hated fancy restaurant just as much as suits. It was all so fake and false.

"When I see my parents we usually go Applebee's" Jace gave another laugh like he was remembering something funny.

"My parents have a thing about going to posh restaurants, I've just learned to deal with it, its easier than arguing" It was true, Alec hated arguing with his parents, it was so exhausting and tiring. 

"So-"

Before Jace could finish there was a pounding at the door, both boys looked around "ALEC!! open up!!" Izzy's voice filled the room, her knocking continuing.

Alec gave a large smile and walked over to door "Coming!" He reached for the handle and pulled open the door. Izzy crashed into his chest, her arms wrapping around his waist.

"Oh my god I've missed you!!" Alec returned the hug, resting his chin on top of Izzy's head.

Izzy gave a final squeeze before pulling back, Alec gave her another smile "Its only been a week Izzy!"

"Yeah well still missed you!" She returned the smile and turned around, her long black hair swaying as she did. Izzy was dressed in a short black dress, one no doubt there parents disagreed with. 

Izzy looked around the room before her eyes settled on Jace, she walked forward towards him "And who's this!"

Alec followed her forward "Oh Izzy this is my roommate Jace, Jace this is Izzy"

Jace stood up from the bed and walked to her "Nice to meet you Izzy" He gave her a kind smile.

She held out her hand to shake Jace's, she tilted her head and flashed her white teeth in her usual large smile "Nice to meet you too"

Alec leaned down towards Izzy, whispering in her ear "Don't even try it!"

Izzy pulled back with a loud laugh "What!"

Alec titled his head to the side, smiling also "You know what-"

"Alexander" Both Izzy and Alec stopped, turning around to see Maryse and Robert were stood in the door way. Robert was wearing a black suit, much like Alec's, his face was stern and tense. Maryse was stood behind him with a long black fitted dress, the top part had gold gems embedded on it that faded as they went down. Her hair was pulled back into a tight black bun, her posture tight and stern. Robert stepped around Maryse and came into the centre of the room, his hands held behind his back.

"Mother, Father I thought you were waiting in that car?" Izzy's voice was tense, she tired to inject some happiness into her words but they fell flat.

Robert didn't look at either of them, walking around the room "We wanted to come see how Alexander was settling in" We stepped over to Alec's desk, looking down at the books on the table "See if our money was being put to good use" Alec looked down at the floor.

"Alexander" Alec looked up to see his mother stood in front of him, he gave her a small smile and she kissed his cheek.

"What happened to your hand?" Alec looked back at his dad, he placed his hands behind his back.

"Oh my god" Izzy rushed over to Alec, her hands over her mouth "Alec wha-"

Alec shook his head "Its fine really, I...I cut it while playing basketball" Alec hoped his father bought his lie, knowing he would disapprove of him attending a party that didn't befit his job in some way.

"Shouldn't you be studying, I didn't pay for you to play games all day" His voice was bitter, no hint of emotion or compassion.

"Been keeping up with your work?" His dad going through his text book, flicking through the pages.

"Yes" Alec copied his fathers voice; firm and emotionless.

"Good" He placed the book down and picked up another one.  "How many chapters ahead are you"

Alec looked over to Izzy before looking back down at the floor "Five" 

"Thats great Alec" His mother gave him a reassuring smile.

Robert walked back over to Alec "Let make that ten" it wasn't a question.

"Of course" Alec suddenly realised that Jace was still in the room, he looked over to the boy that was looking partially nervous.

Alec stepped forward towards Jace "Oh this is Jace, my roommate" He gave Jace a nod, Jace looked at Alec before quickly stepping forward.

"Nice to meet you nice" Maryse gave Jace a warm smile shaking his hand, Jace turned to Alec's dad.

"Nice to meet you Mr Lightwood" Jace extended his hand towards Robert. Alec watched as his dad looked down at the hand, pausing before taking it.

The pair quickly shook hands before Robert pulled away. "What course are you taking?"

"Uhh um History" Jace gave his usual warm smile.

"Hm" Robert gave a displeasing smile and turned around walking towards Maryse.  "We should be going now, cannot miss our table at Masa" With that Robert left the room down the hall.

"Again nice to meet you Jace, I'll see you downstair Alec" Maryse gave a finale smile before following Robert out of the room.

Almost simultaneously the siblings let out a large breath. Alec rubbed his face "Well that went well" His tone was bitter, why did his father have to be like that.

Izzy turned around and put her hand around Alec's "Its been a long trip up here just give them-"

"-Time?" Alec had given his father plenty of time and nothing had changed. He gave another large sigh "Lets just get this over with" "Let me just grab my keys and stuff, I'll meet you downstairs"

Izzy gave Alec another quick hug before turning around and leaving the room.

Alec looked over to Jace "Sorry about that" He walked over the his desk and grabbed his keys, shoving them into his pocket.

"That was...intense" Jace sunk down on his bed. 

"Yep, thats father" Alec did a finale check in the mirror, making sure his tie was straight not wanting his father to be complaining about that as well.

"He was pretty harsh on you I mean, ten chapter ahead?" He saw Jace shake his head in the corner of his eye. Alec was use to it, his father also made sure he was ahead in classes telling him thats how you succeed. He took a large breath and started to walk towards the door.

"Good luck" Jace called out.

Alec closed the door to the apartment, he leaned against the door and closed his eyes. He knew this was going to be a long night, it always was with his parents but Alec didn't know how much he could handle after last night. Suddenly his phone lite up in his pocket. He pulled it out.

_8:24pm: Hope you have a nice time with your parents tonight. Hope your hand is feeling better, think I would make quite the nurse ;) Feel free to call/drop by if you need to talk - Magnus"_

Alec looked down at the message, a small smile creeped across his face, he was still going out with his family, last night still happened but for some reason the thought of Magnus gave Alec a small but real feeling of joy, the feeling of safety returning to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry we will get to see the family meal in the next chapter, hope you guys liked it remember to leave comments if you guys want!♥


	8. The Family Dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I kinda made Robert really unlikeable in this story so sorry for any Robert fans. Next chapter will probably be up in week. Love you guys all the comments mean so much to me! -A♥

Tense. That was the only way Alec could describe the car ride to Masa. Once everyone was in the back of the car, no one spoke. Robert checked his phone a few times, mumbling about work, Maryse did the same, sending a few emails. Alec just looked out of the window at New York, the large buildings were almost a blur, blending into one. Alec was playing with his bandage, pulling at lose threads. The car came to a steady stop outside the restaurant. Richard; there driver got out and opened the door for Robert, he got out and held a hand out for Maryse. She slid out of the car, giving Richard a small and shaking his hand "Thank you" Richard had been his fathers driver for a couple of years now, he use to drive Alec to school, he was a nice guy and Alec felt sorry for him; having to work with his father. Both siblings out out and Alec gave Richard a small smile as a thank you, the man nodded his head before getting back into the car and driving away. Alec straighten out his suit and walked towards the door, a very tall man in a suit pulled open the door, the lightwoods walked in going up to the counter. 

Robert walked up to man at the counter "Table for four, Lightwoods" There was no friendliness in his voice, the man looked at Robert before looking down at a iPad. Maryse tried to give the man a small. Alec noticed she did that a lot, trying to make up for her husbands coldness. The man looked up and grabbed some menu's.

"Right this way Sir" The group followed the man to a table situated by the large window. The man pulled the seat out for Maryse who gave a shy smile back. Robert sat down, clicking at the waiter for the wine menu. Alec held in a sigh, he hated the way his father spoke to people, especially those in services. He was so demanding and cold, Alec was use to it but others were not. There was silence for a moment before Isabelle spoke up next to Alec, looking across to her parents.

"Wow this really is a nice place" Izzy gave a large smile, looking at Alec next to her. 

"Yes, one of the hardest places to get a table at, luckily your father knows the owner so was able to get us a seat here" Maryse looked next to her husband giving him a smile. It was true, Robert knew many people in many different places. Robert gave his wife a small smile before grabbing the wine list from the waiter. 

He inspected the list, speaking to Izzy as he did."So Isabelle, how is school going?" He didn't look up from the list, turning around to the waiter pointing at a particular Wine, the waiter took the list and left.

Izzy sat forward at the table, giving her father a smile "Good thanks, my teacher said my GPA is where it needs to be to get into Yale and she feels confident that I'll go well in my SAT's" She gave her parents another smile, taking a large breath. Alec understood what Izzy was going through, he remembered the pressure his parents put on him during High School, Izzy had it worse because she had to make up for Alec's screw-up.

"Thats excellent Isabelle" Maryse gave her daughter a large smile reaching over the table to squeeze her hand. 

Robert nodded his head. "Lets make sure it stays like that okay?" There was the smallest amount of pride in his voice, Alec lowered his head.

Maryse gave Izzy one finale look before sitting back in her seat, he placed her hands in her lap and looked over at Alec, her features soft. "What about you Alexander? How are you doing?"

Alec looked up from his lap, both his parents were staring at him. How was he doing? Alec had barely had anytime to process what had happened the night before and the morning at Magnus, he wanted to push the whole thing out of his mind, the whole thing being to confusing for him. He realised that he had yet to replied, he shifted in his "Um good yeah, the class is...very interesting" Alec sounded less than convincing. "I'm really enjoying it" He sounded more confident this time, giving his parents one of his perfected fake smiles.

"Thats great Alec!" Izzy reached out and squeezed his arm, giving him a supportive smile.

"Yeah, that roommate of yours seemed nice?" Maryse took a sip of her wine.

"What Jace? Yeah he's a good guy, seems nice" Alec had never had many friend, focusing on his work and pleasing his parents. Jace was his first proper friend. Jace seemed to understand Alec, even though he had only known him for a week or so. He knew when not to push Alec and when to give him space, he was a good friend.

"Where does he come from" His fathers voice was booming and firm, Alec knew where this conversation was going and he wanted to roll his eyes at the thought of it but he decided to hold it back.

"New York" Alec started to play with his bandage again looking down at his hands.

"Hm, and what do his parents do?" The question his father always asked whenever Alec ever mentioned anyone. Alec could feel annoyance rising in his chest, he looked up from his hands, holding his fathers gaze.

He gave a frustrated sigh "I'm not sure" 

Robert shook his head like he couldn't understand what Alec was saying. "You didn't ask?"

"I didn't really think it was important" There was a hint of sharpness in his voice, Jace was a good guy and Alec really didn't want to listen to his father's judgemental comments about him.

Robert seemed to pick up on his annoyance and pressed further. "What does he want to do in the future?" He leaned forward on his chair, clasping his hands together and resting them on the table.

"Not sure, something to do with History I think. He said about travelling" The pair had briefly spoke about the future a while ago but Alec had changed the subject when Jace asked about Alec's plans for the future.

"So he has no plan for the future?" There was obvious confusion in his voice. Alec knew he should of just made something up, he looked over at Izzy who was staring at her father, Alec knew what that look meant. She wanted to interrupt and stop the pair from arguing. She was always the defuser at home, always saying she needed to talk to Alec when the conversation between Alec and his father got to heated.

"Well he want to trave-"

"Travelling isn't a plan, its what kids do when they don't know what they want" His voice was harsh and unwavering. There was a awkward silence across the table.

Izzy turned around to look at Alec, her eyes soft like there mothers. "Maybe the three of us could hang out?-"

"Isabelle I don't think its appropriate for you to be 'hanging out' with university boys" The siblings looked back over at Robert who was taking a sip of his wine. 

"Robert she just wants to spend some time with Alec, she misses him." Maryse looked over at Robert, giving him a pleading look. She turned around to face Alec her face warm. "We all do" Alec felt some warmth in his chest; he missed his mother. When Alec was young the pair had been very close, Alec spent most of his spare time with her or Izzy. She helped tutor him when he struggled in school and was always supportive, after what happened last year she seemed to pull away from Alec and he didn't blame her. Alec briefly looked over at his father and instantly regretted it. His father's face read a clear message; not all of us missed you. Alec pulled his eyes away and looked at his water in front of him. "So Alec, met any nice girls?" Alec's head snapped up and looked at Maryse, his father was also looking at him

"mom-" Izzy's voice was firm, she knew Alec hated talking about stuff like this.

"I'm just asking Isabelle!" There was no malice in his mothers voice, she was just curious.

Alec gave Izzy a thankful look before turning to his parents. "Um no" He gave a small cough "kinda been busy with work-"

"But you've got enough time to place basketball?" Alec looked over at his father, he was looking at Alec with a harsh face, his eyebrows raised. Alec clenched his fist under the table, this is always how there fights started. His father would make some petty comment and it would escalate from there.

"Helps me relax" Alec's voice sounded sounded bitter and clenched his jaw, he could see Izzy shifting in her seat next to him.

"Hm" It was short but Alec knew what it meant, his father was unimpressed.

"So whats everyone having to eat?" Maryse spoke up, clearly trying to lighten the mood.

Alec looked at his father who was looking down at the menu, he stood up from the table "Just going to use the bathroom?"

"Wait what do you want to eat?" Izzy grabbed Alec's hand to stop his from leaving.

"Just order me whatever you're having" He pulled his hand away and walked off towards the bathroom.

Alec pushed open the bathroom door and walked in. He gave a quick look around to make sure no-one was in there. He gave a large sigh and leaned against the sink. Alec had been at the meal for around 15mintues and he already wanted to leave. He felt like he had been there for weeks, meals with his parents always felt like this. He pushed himself off the sink and walked around the bathroom, his father made him so frustrated and it seemed like he did it on purpose. Alec pulled his phone out oh his pocket 9:15. He noticed he had a text from Jace.

_8:56: Going round Clary's so I might not be back tonight (Not what it sounds like) have a nice time with your family._

Alec looked down at his phone and typed back a message.

_9:15pm: Have fun at Clary's also why did I agree to this - Alec_

He went to put the phone back in his pocket when his phone buzzed, he looked down.

_9:16pm: That bad hu? - you don't need to sign your name I texted you, you Idiot._

_9:16pm: It would be less painful to stab myself in the eye with a fork (Hows simon?)_

_9:16pm: If you do I'm keeping the whole room to myself (How did you know simon is here?)_

_9:17pm: Very funny (Your round your girlfriends and your texting me)_

_9:17pm: How about tomorrow we go shot some hoops, get your mind of things? I'll even let you kick my ass again (He won't leave!)_

_9:17pm: Let me? (sucks to be you)_

_9:18pm: Loser buys lunch again; I'm thinking lobster (I hate you)_

Alec looked at the time on his phone, he'd been in the bathroom longer than he was planning to, he put his phone back into his pocket and walked out of the bathroom. He would see his parents talking about something, his father had a annoyed look on his face which his mother matched Izzy was looking down at the table, playing with the starter on her plate. He pulled his chair out and sat down. His parents stopped talking and Izzy gave him a look that told him they were arguing. Izzy turned in her seat to face her brother.

"So how has New York been?"

Alec looked at the food in front of him and took his fork cutting it up. "Well I haven't really had a look yet?" 

Izzy gave a dramatic gasp, her eyes wide. "What! You've been here-what like a week and you have't gone out to explore" 

"Alexander has more important things to do than sight see Isabelle" Robert snapped, Maryse gave her husband a irritated look. 

Izzy turned to her dad "You can't live in New York and not see the sights!"

Robert annoyingly put his knife and fork down on the table with a clang. "He's not living in New York he's studying in New York"

Izzy seemed to ignore her father turning back Alec "I really want to see central park, I've heard its lush in the summer time. I am definitely coming to visit then!"

"You've got exams in the summer-"

"After the exams!" Izzy snapped, Alec shifted awkwardly in his chair, it was very unusual for Izzy to snap at her dad, the pair usually getting on. Luckily the waiter came over taking the empty plates.

After the table was cleared of the starters, Maryse downed the rest of her wine before leaning on the table looking at Alec. "So beside Jace have you made friends with anyone else?" His mother was always interested in his life unlike his father who didn't seem to give a rats ass unless it was effecting him.

Alec thought, beside Jace Alec hadn't really spoken to anyone else, he was determined to just keep himself to himself. "Um Clary, she's Jace's girlfriend" He had seen Clary all of two times but the girl seemed nice and Jace seemed pretty smitten with her

"And what is she taking?" His father spoke up.

Alec let out a quite sigh, it always lead back to this conversation. "Art-" However before Alec could finish his father gave a dramatic laugh.

"Art? What kind of degree is art? Drawing pictures all day" He shook his head and took another drink

"I think theres a bit more to it than that" Izzy replied.

"Anyone else?" He could tell his mother was trying hard to lighten the tense mood.

Was there anyone else? There was Magnus, he and Alec were friends. Magnus did help him the other night and helped him in the first lesson, its what friends do right? If Alec was being honest be didn't know what Magnus was, Magnus seemed like a person that was hard to define. "Um Magnus" Alec cringe as his voice went slightly higher as he mentioned Magnus's name, not that it meant anything.

"What a interesting name!" Maryse replied.

"He's in the same class as me" Alec spoke up knowing his father was going to ask, Robert gave a small nod and was about to open his mouth when Alec spoke again. "I don't know what his parents do" His father looked at him with a glare before looking down at his phone, typing something. Maryse looked like she was going to say something when she noticed Robert typing, she gave a displeased sigh just as the phone started the ring.

Robert placed his napkin on the table and stood up, Maryse reached out and grabbed her husband. "Robert-"

"Its from Charles, I need to take it" With that he took off outside, standing in front of the large window.

"I'll going to use the ladies, give you two some time to catch up" Maryse gave her children a smile and left.

Alec turned around to look out the window, Robert seemed to get having a very heated conversation with Charles, his warms waving in the air. Alec turned around and took a sip of his drink."Dad seems in a partially loving mood tonight" The sarcasm was apparent in his voice.

Izzy gave her father another look before turning back to her brother. "Think he's got some big case coming up, heard him talking before we got to the university" Whenever their father had a big case coming up the tension in the house was always turned up, his dad looking himself in his office only coming out to get food or shout at someone.

Alec was about to make another comment when Izzy leaned in towards Alec, her voice a low whisper. "So who's Magnus?"

Alec pulled back giving Izzy a perplexed look, he stammered for a few seconds before finally getting the words out "Pardon?"

"Well when you said his name you sounded really unsure like you didn't know if you were friends or something else, plus your voice did that thing it does when your excited and gets all high-" Alec cut off Izzy's rambling by holding his hands up.

"Izzy stop" His voice sounded firm.

Izzy gave her brother a smirk before carrying on ignoring his protests. "I'm just asking, he sounds cute-"

Alec shook his head and quickly looked up to the celling before looking back at her. "Izzy" It was short but Izzy seemed to understand. Her held her hands up in mock surrender and moved in her seat. Alec shifted uncomfortably in his chair. Izzy didn't know what she was talking about, Alec and Magnus were friends. He should of never mentioned Magnus. 

 

"Need me to look at your hand?" He turned around to see Izzy looking at his hand with a concern look.

"Hu?" Alec looked down and noticed he had started subconsciously playing with his bandage again. He pulled his hand away and looked at his sister "Uh, no,no it will be fine Jace did a pretty good job of it"

"What actually happened to it?" Alec went to protest when Izzy titled her head to the side giving a small laugh "Come on Alec I know when your lying?" 

Alec was about to make up some story but knew it would be pointless, Izzy was pretty good at telling when Alec was lying; sister intuition and all. He gave a large sigh and shifted closer to Izzy just incase his parents came back. "I was at some party with Jace and I was talking to Magnus" He could see Izzy's eyes go wide and her mouth open but Alec held up his hand to stop her "-don't Izzy-" Izzy gave her brother a pouty look "-and someone bumped into me and I cut my hand on some glass..its fine really." Alec shook his head trying hard to not picture the bloodied mess.

"Wheres your mother?" The siblings turned around to see there father stalk back to the table. Sighing as he shoved his phone back into his pocket.

"Bathroom" Both side in unison.  

Maryse can back out from the bathroom taking a seat next to her husband "Everything okay?"

"Beside Charles being completely useless and worthless yes everything all good" Charles had been Roberts personal associate since the start of his career and Alec was surprised that he was still working with his and or hadn't killed him yet.

Maryse placed her hand on top of her husbands. "He's doing his best darling"

"Yeah well his best just isn't good enough" Alec cringed at his fathers words, having heard them directed at himself to many times before. His mind wondered as her heard his Father bad mouthing Charles. He looked around the restaurant seeing who was there. Everyone looked like them; dressed in suits and dresses. There was a particular couple that caught Alec's eyes. A slim man with brown hair was sat at a table, across from his was a man with black hair almost like Alec's. They were smiling and chatting eating there meal; they looked happy. One of the men had his hand placed on the table, the other man reached out and grabbed it, intwining there fingers. Alec felt a odd feeling in his chest, something he couldn't quite place. Suddenly the brown hair man leaned over and kissed the other on the lips, Alec felt the feeling grow in his chest, the couple looked so content and happy, not caring about anyone else just caring about each other. Alec felt a small smile creep across his face, the reason for it Alec wasn't sure. "Great, just want I want to see before eating dinner" Roberts voice pulled Alec from his thoughts, he looked around to see his father looking into the restaurant, his face screwed up in disgusts. He followed his fathers eye line and felt his heart sink when he realised what his father was looking at; the same couple Alec had been smiling at seconds ago.

"Dad!" Izzy cried. Alec looked away from the couple and looked down at his lap, a small ache growing in his chest.

"What? Its the truth Isabelle, why do they have to go around shoving it in peoples faces" Alec looked over at Izzy who had a astonished look on her face, she gave her brother a quick glance which was filled with sympathy. 

Robert was still looking at the couple with repulsion and loathing. Alec couldn't look at his father's face so decided to look at his lap, Alec could feel his chest starting to tighten, he took a large breath trying to expand his lungs.  "There not shoving it in your face dad there having dinner, like us!" Alec could hear Izzy protesting next to him and wanted to tell her to stop, there as no hope.

He leaned forward on the table and looked at Izzy "Isabelle there not like us-there-there.." Robert seemed to be struggling for words, gave the couple a finale look before looking at Izzy a hateful look on his face "...Broken" 

Alec felt like someone had taken a knife to his chest. He didn't move his eyes from his lap. He could feel his cheek starting to heat up. He bit his lip to stop it from trembling. Alec had heard his father say things like this hundred of times before and Alec just usually nodded but today Alec didn't do anything, unable to put his head up unsure what his eyes would give away. "Robert" He heard his mothers soft protests.

There was silence for a moment before the waiter came with there mains, placing it in front of the group. Robert said thank you and continued to eat his food like nothing bad been said.

Alec looked down at his steak and found that his appetite had gone. He picked up his knife and fork and cut the steak, as soon as he cut the steak Alec realised his mistake. Red liquid flowed from steak onto the table, the inside a deep red colour like that of blood or flesh; he told Izzy to order whatever she was having, like her father Izzy always had rare steak. The red liquid filled the plate, seeping into the rest of his food. Alec felt his grip on the cutlery tighten. He could feel his hands become sweaty. He cut a tiny piece and took a bite. 

"Whats wrong with it?" Alec looked up at his father who was taking his last bite of steak.

Alec shook his head, putting his knife and fork down "Nothing"

Robert took a swing of his wine giving Alec a hard stare. "Then why aren't you eating it? It was expensive, I didn't buy it for you to just pick at it"

"I'm just...not hungry" Alec was looking at his father, trying to ignore the food on his plate.

"Are you feeling okay sweetie? You seem a little pale?" Maryse gave her son a loving look, her eyes squinting as she looked at her son. 

Alec could feel all eyes on him at the table. "Yeah just, got a headache...think I'm going to go grab some air" He stood up from the table and walked towards the door.

Alec pushed open the large double doors and walked out into the dark street. Alec could feel his eyes starting to sting and was unsure if it was from the sudden cold air or from something else. He walked down the door slightly so he wasn't in view of the window. He walked for about five minutes before coming to a stop and leaning against a wall. He took a large breath and rested his head back against the wall looking up at the sky.

**September 2015**

_Alec and max walked down the street, the orange lights from the street illuminating there way. Alec checked his watch, shit. He had five minutes to get somewhere he knew was fifteen minutes away, he was meant to be meeting a friend when his parents told him he was babysitting max. His parents had left to go to some stupid function and Alec decided that he wasn't going to stay in just because his parents said so. As they walked down the street Alec noticed a alleyway, he knew it lead to the other side and would save him a good ten minutes of walking. Alec paused and looked over at Max._

_“Were going to go down this way” He turned to the dark alleyway and started to walk down it when Max’s little voice spoke up._

_“Didn’t mom say we shouldn’t use the alleyways?” Alec gave a sigh, he was already running late and didn’t have time to argue with Max, he spin around on his heels and faced Max, a frustrated look on his face, why did he have to babysit, why couldn't they have hired someone it wasn't like they didn't have the money._

_“Well mom isn’t here now, I’m in charge!” His voice came out harsh, he grabbed hold of Max’s hand and took off down the alley way. It was dark, a few dim lights attached to the walls being to only source of light._

_“Alec, I don’t like it down here, its dark” He could feel Max’s tiny hand gripping harder on Alec’s, his body moving closer._

_“Max your 8, you need to grow up its just the dark” Alec snatched his hand away, shoving them into his pocket, he loved his little brother but sometimes he could be a pain in the ass._

_“What was that” Max stopped walking, looking around for the source of the sound, his little hands balled into fists._

_“Probably a rat or something” Alec would be lying if he said the noise didn’t concern him slightly. He took a quick look behind him; nothing._

_“Alec-“ Max’s scared voice spoke up from next to him, his hands grabbing onto Alec’s arm_

_“Max its-" Alec yelled as he swung around to face his brother but before he could finish his sentence a voice interrupted._

_“Yeah Max, just relax” Alec looked away from his brother to the location of the voice. He squinted his eyes to try and see better, a shadow stood a few feet from the pair._

_“Its all good here Max!” Another voice spoke up, Alec felt the hairs on his neck raise slightly. The dark figures came closer. Alec felt his stomach drop. What he assumed was two figures was actually around eight or ten, the rest were hidden in the shadows. Alec grabbed Max’s hand and paused, thinking about his next move-_

** September 2016 **

Alec pulled himself out of his memory shaking his head. He felt his heart beating faster having gotten caught up in the memory. His mind always wondered back to the past when he saw his family, he hated it. He closed his eyes and took a large breath. Alec looked back up at the sky, only a few stars shining through the light of the city. Alec looked down and notices his hands had began to shake slightly. He pulled out his phone and before he could stop himself he hit call. The phone rang for a few seconds before the phone clicked on.

"Hello?" Magnus soft voice rang through the phone, for some reason Alec felt his hands stop shaking, his breath starting to even out slightly. "Everything okay Alexander" There was a hint of panic on Magnus voice.

Alec gave a little cough before shaking his head, pacing up and down the street. "Yeah, yeah all good"

"How was your family dinner?" Magnus asked sounding intrigued but yet not prying.

"It's going...as expected" Alec had had worse meals with his family, ones that ended with his parents screaming at each other, Izzy and Alec sat in there room together trying to distract themselves by playing games or doing work.

"Your still at it?"

"Yeah, I'm just outside getting some air" Alec felt his breathing finally even out, his clenched hands also relaxing. He couldn't wrap his head around it, why did Magnus have this effect on Alec Alec could feel his brain going into overdrive, he gave a finale sigh. "Anyway sorry for calling-"

"You don't need to say sorry Alec" Although Alec couldn't see Magnus he could see that wide smile of his and felt some warmth in his chest amongst the cold street.

Alec squeezed his eyes shut, he could feel some anger rising in his chest. "He's just so...infuriating, he's always got to make little comments and...never mind" Alec stopped himself before he started to ramble. He leaned against the wall again, squeezing the phone in his hand. 

"Family can be a tricky thing"

Alec gave a little laugh, that being a understatement. "Yeah tell me about it" He looked down at his feet and shifted on them, kicking a small rock across the road watching as it scattered. "I should get back inside before they send a search party." Alec started to walk back towards the restaurant. 

"I hope the rest of the meal goes better, feel free to swing by after the meal if you want to talk" There was something in his voice that Alec couldn't quite pinpoint, it had been there since the evening of the party, when he woke up in Magnus apartment. A hint of worry and panic almost present when talking to him like he was unsure what to say or scared he might say the wrong thing. Alec gave Magnus a thank you before putting the phone back in his pocket.

He walked back into Masa and walked over to the table straightening his suit. He sat back down at the table, all the food being cleared. "Feeling better?" Robert asked although there was no hint of lovingness in his voice

Alec gave a little smile. "Yeah, yeah I am"

**********

The rest of the meal was quite eventful, Robert left again during desserts to take a phone call which lasted about twenty minutes and when he came back he seemed in a even fouler mood than before, asking for the check wanting to leave.

The family stepped outside, the brisk air making Alec pull his suit tighter together. 

"Well what a wonderful dinner" Maryse exclaimed. She turned around to Alec and gave him a loving smile. "It was lovely to see you Alec"

"Yeah, nice to see you as well" Maryse walked forward and gave her son a quick hug and kiss on the cheek. She gave his arm a finale squeeze before walking over to Robert who was seated in the back of the car angrily typing on his phone.

"Well, I'll be seeing you soon big brother?" Izzy stepped forward and pulled her brother into a large hug, wrapping her arms around his neck. She pulled back and gave him a kind smile. "Maybe me and you could do a tour of New York? How about tomorrow we go grab some coffee or some dinner?"

Alec returned her smile, he really did miss Izzy, his chest ached slightly at the thought of her going home. "That sounds good" He stepped forward again and wrapped his arms around his sisters shoulders resting his chin on his head. "Love you Izzy"

Izzy put her arms around his waist and squeezed him "Love you to Alec" The pair broke and Izzy gave her brother finale smile "I'll text you about tomorrow" Alec gave her a nod before she stepped into the black car. Alec watched as it pulled away and disappeared into the street. Alec gave a sigh, he held out his hand and held a cab. He jumped inside and gave the direction of his and Jace's apartment. Alec looked out the window as the car drove down the almost empty street. Suddenly Alec felt something in his chest, he leaned forward in the car. 

"Actually, could I change the drop off?" 

**********

Alec paid the taxi and closed the door. He looked up at the building and took a large breath. He walked towards the building and pulled open the doors. He went to the caller box and pressed the number.

Magnus heard the loud buzzing fill the apartment, he was led out on his sofa watching tv. He groaned and pushed himself of the sofa, it was 10:30 who was at his door. "Who's there?" His voice was harsh and Magnus was impressed with how intimidating he sounded. There was nothing on the other end so Magnus tried again. "Okay you've got two seconds-"

"Never mind" The voice was small and quite; Alec. 

Magnus had completely forgotten he told Alec to drop by if he wanted to talk. Magnus welled up with guilt. "Alec! Wait wait wait! I'll buzz you up!" Magnus hit the buzzer, allowing Alec to walk up. He walked over to his door and pulled it open. After a few second Alec appeared at the top of the stairs. He looked tired and worn out.

"Sorry for that, everything okay?" He walked towards Alec who was dressed in a suit, his top button and tie undone.

Alec shook his head and step forward towards Magnus. "Yeah, sorry for just turning up I didn't-"

Magnus waved his hand. "Hey its fine! I meant it when I said you could come round" Alec gave a little nod and shifted on his feat. "Want to come in?" He moved out of the way so Alec could walk in. Alec gave him a small smile before walking past him. Alec stood awkwardly in the room, unsure what to do.

Alec looked around the room, memories of that morning coming back to him. "I don't really know why I came by I just didn't feel like going back to the apartment, Jace isn't there so I'd be alone and then I'd start thinking about things and-"

Magnus shook his head and took a seat on the sofa, motioning for Alec to do the same. "You don't need to explain Alec"

Alec walked over to the sofa and perched on the edge, looking down at his feet. "How was your sister?" Magnus asked, leaning back on the sofa, his arm resting across the back.

"She was great, she's staying for the week so we might go visit New York" Alec looked forward to spending the day with his sister, being away from her was extremely hard, it only adding to Alec anxiety. 

"Thats great" Magnus smiled.

Alec looked over to Magnus. He was dressed in a pair of black silk pajamas, his hair scruffy. He was clearly about to go to sleep or was asleep. "Why do you put up with me?" Alec blurted out.

"Excuse me?" Magnus moved forward on the sofa, his hands resting in his lap.

Alec turned to face Magnus, his face screwed up in confusion. "Why are you so nice to me? I mean I haven't exactly given you a reason to?" It was true, Alec had left Magnus at coffee, ignored him for days, freaked out at a party and made Magnus look after him. Alec could feel his heat beat rising, he bite his lip and shook his head. "I just seem to cause you lots of problems" Alec stood up from the sofa "Maybe this was a bad idea-"

Magnus reached out and grabbed hold of Alec wrist, careful not to touch his bandage. "You've got to stop doing that Alec" His voice was soft and delicate.

"Doing what?" Alec didn't move from his position, Magnus fingers still wrapped around Alec's wrist.

"Running away" Alec looked down at Magnus, he slowly sank back down onto the sofa. Magnus didn't realise his hand from Alec and the images of the couple at dinner filled Alec's head. Alec looked away from Magnus, choosing to stare out the window. "I know its difficult not to, especially when you've been doing it your whole life but you don't have to run away from me, like I said I'm not going to hurt you"

"I know" It was a quite voice but it sounded confident.

"You do?" Magnus sounded surprised, he slowly pulled his hand away from Alec. 

"Yeah, for some reason I trust you which is crazy because I've known you for like a week and like you might of guessed I don't trust people easily" Alec looked at Magnus, he had a smile on his face, he brushed some hair out of his face. 

"I''m glad" Alec returned Magnus smile and relaxed slightly. "Look if you ever need to talk or just want to be alone for a while, feel free to come by"

Alec gave a larger smile as a thank you, he shifted before standing up. "Well, I should get going before Jace starts to freak out again" He gave a little chuckle at the end.

Magnus raised his eyebrow and smile at Alec as he stood up. "He did seem very concerned for you" Alec gave another little laugh. The pair walked towards the door and Alec stop, turing around to face Magnus.

"Thanks for letting me drop by" He shifted on his feet as he looked at Magnus.

Magnus took a step closer and looked up at Alec."Its fine, I enjoy your company" Alec felt some heat rising in his cheeks and turned around to face the door.

"I'll see you around Magnus" He called over his shoulder as he pulled open the door.

"Indeed you will" Magnus replied, his usual playfulness having returned.

Alec walked down the stairs and back into the streets. The air had gotten colder, Alec decided to take the short walk back to the apartment wanting to clear his head. Alec looked down the dark street and took a large breath. The last two days still weighing heavily on his shoulders. He tried not to think about it, choosing to think about his day with Izzy tomorrow. Alec shoved his hands into his pockets and took off into the dark night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will feature some nice Izzy and Alec scenes and of course Malec scenes!♥


	9. Exploring New York

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some Alec and Izzy in this chapter and of course malec because there wasn't much last chapter! Hope you guys enjoy, love ya - A♥
> 
> *Trigger Warning*  
> See end notes for more details.

Alec rolled over in his bed, the large quilt gathered around him. Alec looked at the bedside table, he reached out and grabbed his phone checking the time. 10:12am. Alec sat up in the bed, his ink black hair falling into his eyes, he reached up and pushed it away. He put his phone back on the side and stood up stretching. Alec looked around the room and noticed that Jace was back, the boy tangled up in his sheets. Alec gave a small laugh and walked to his wardrobe grabbing a pair of black jeans and a long burgundy sweater. He went into the bathroom and showered changing into his pajamas. He stepped out to see Jace pacing the room on the phone, Alec leaned against the doorframe watching as Jace paced back and forth, oblivious to Alec's presences.

"Yeah I had a great night too" Jace sat on his bed, pulling at the threads in his joggers, although Alec couldn't see he was sure Jace had a stupid smitten smile on his face. Jace gave a little laugh before standing up and turning around to see Alec stood there his arms crossed over his chest. Jace gave a large cough "Yeah, um well I'll see you later okay, bye" Jace slipped the phone into his pocket, his cheeks going a light shade of pink. Alec gave him a smile shaking his head and walking over to the bed.

"So hows Clary?" Alec threw his dirty clothes into the wash basket, taking a seat on his bed grabbing his phone and putting it into his pocket.

"Yeah, she uh...she good" Jace nodded his head and sat down at his desk, opening his text book.

"You are so smitten" Alec chuckled, he went over to the door and grabbed his white Convers from the floor, slipping them on.

"You out today?" Jace spun around to look at Alec, twiddling a pen between his fingers.

"Yeah going to go explore with my sister, grab some lunch or dinner" Alec looked around for his keys and grabbed them off the nightstand.

"Sounds like fun...oh I'm at Clary's tonight so I wont be here!"

"Wear protection" Alec mocked, Jace threw his pen towards Alec, it hitting the door and landing on the floor. Alec gave a finale smile before pulling the door open and walking down the stairs. He pulled out his phone and clicked Izzy's name.

_11:00am: Just left the apartment, i'll meet you at the main campus._

_11:00am: Okay, just leaving the hotel i'll be there in about 10mintues xoxo_

Alec put his phone back into his pocket and walked towards the campus. It was a short walk from the apartment to the campus, it took Alec about five minutes. He walked onto the grounds and found a bench to sit on while he waited for his sister. The campus was empty, it being a Sunday, only a few students were walking around. Alec's foot was tapping the floor. He felt relaxed today, the weight of the last two days still hanging over him but it seemed less. Alec pulled out him phone and played a few random games while he waited. 

"Alec!!" Alec looked up from his phone. Izzy was walking towards Alec dressed in a black leather crop top and a pair of high waisted jeans with her usual black boots. Alec stood up from bench and walked over to Izzy, she gave him a large open smile before pulling him into a hug. Alec pulled back and looked down at Izzy.

"I swear you get taller every time I see you?" Alec gave his little sister a smile, although she wasn't very little anymore haven't grow a lot in the last few months. Izzy linked her arm though Alec and began walking out of the campus.

"Its the boots" She laughed, she looked around at the students passing her and Alec gave her a warning look. "What? I'm just seeing the sort of students that go here? No harm" Alec shook his head playfully and looked forward. Although he wasn't as protective of Izzy as their father was; him never letting her leave the house alone, Alec still worried about her.

Izzy went to open her mouth when a voice called from behind them. "Alec?" The siblings turned around to see Magnus stood there, he was dressed in a pair of black jeans, white gems covered the pockets, he had a dark blue loose hanging top on, the top few buttons undone (something Alec noticed Magnus did a lot) He has his usual assortment of jewellery on, his hair gelled back, the tips dipped a dark blue. Alec untangled his arm from Izzy, turning his head to the side. 

"Hey, wh-what are you doing here?" Magnus walked up to Alec, he looked up at Alec his bright eyes studying his face.

"I was handing in a paper." Magnus said, rolling his eyes. He looked at Alec then over to Izzy, he stepped closer to her, his eyes going wide. "And you must be Isabelle, I've heard so much about you!" Magnus held out her hand and Izzy took it giving the boy a smile.

"Heard a lot about me?" Izzy looked at her brother, noticing how his eyes were still fixated on the boy.

"Yes, Alexander was extremely excited for your visit." Magnus crossed his arms over his chest, rocking back and forth on his feat.

Izzy gave her brother a smug smile before turning back to the boy. "I'm sure he was. I'm sorry I didn't catch your name?"

"Magnus, Magnus bane." Izzy's eyes went wide as she slowly turned her head towards Alec, who was looking down at his feet, playing with hem of his jumper.

"Magnus, I've heard about you" Alec looked up from the floor and started at his sister, Izzy paid no attention still smiling at Magnus.

"You have?" Magnus looked over at Alec, a playful glint in his eye.

"I-I was telling her about how you fixed my hand, after I cut it on the bottle" Alec rambled, looking at Magnus then back to the floor.

"Thanks for patching him up, now that I'm not here he needs someone to watch over him." Izzy playful linked her arm through Alec's arms. There was love and affection in Izzy's eyes as she looked up at her older brother.

"Well, I'll let you to carry on, I'll see you around Alec." Magnus gave Alec a little wink and turned around to leave.

Before Alec could say goodbye, Izzy unlinked her arms from Alec's and grabbed hold of Magnus arm. "Alec and I were going to explore New York today but we don't really know the area, do you want to come-"

Alec's head shot up from the floor, his voice going unusually high. "Izzy"

Izzy ignored her brother and stepped closer to Magnus. "It will be fun, will be nice to learn about Alec's friend, and of course Alec doesn't mind, do you Alec?" Both Izzy and Magnus looked over at Alec who was shifting on his feet.

Alec opened his mouth then closed it, thinking about what to say before finally opening his mouth. "No I...I don't mind, but If you're busy-" 

Magnus shook his head and looked up at Alec. "No, no plans for today" He gave Alec a large smile, the glitter on his eyelids sparkling in the daylight.

Alec pursed his lips, nodding his head. "Cool"

"Indeed" Magnus replied. The pair just looked at each other a moment, neither moving or saying anything. Alec felt something on his arm. He turned around to see Izzy linking her and Alec's arms again. He gave a cough and shook his head.

"We...we should get going" Alec turned around and started to walk; Izzy on one side and Magnus on the other. He looked down at Izzy who was looking up, a large smirk on her face. Izzy looked forward and gave a large sigh, a ominous feeling washing over him.

**********

The group walked down the New York street's, Magnus pointing out important building and large shops. They reached the station which was about a two minute walk from the station. The journey on the subway was about eight minutes. Izzy and Magnus talked about clothes and make up and everything else under the sun. Alec just watched as the pair spoke and laughed, it was nice to see Izzy happy and laughing, not having to play family counselor. The subway came to a stop and the group got off walking back up into the sun.

"You get use to the subways after a while" Magnus joked, wiping his outfit clean.

"So where are we going then?" Izzy replied cheerfully, looking around at all the tall buildings.

"Just wait, its a surprise!" Magnus joked, walking down the street.

Alec gave a small laugh. "Izzy doesn't deal well with waiting" Izzy turned around and gave Alec a light punch on the shoulder.

"Thats not true!" Izzy cried.

"Yes it is, remember that christmas when we had to wait till the afternoon to open our presents?" Izzy opened her mouth like she was going to protest but then she closed it, knowing that Alec was right.

Magnus gave a small laugh at the pair and turned the corner, in front of them was a one of the largest buildings Izzy had seen, the words 'Macy's' across the front. Izzy had visited the Macy's in Washington but it was nothing compared to this. Izzy's eyes widen, her mouth going wide. Izzy turned around and gave a sequel before running over to the shop pushing open the large glass doors. Alec gave a smile and walked in behind Izzy. The shop was rammed with people, all looking at the shelves and carrying bags. Izzy was about to take off when Alec reached out and grabbed her arm.

"Don't leave the shop without me" Izzy gave Alec a 'are you serious look'. "I'm being serious, keep your phone on loud." Izzy was practically jumping up and down on the spot, Alec gave her a finale look before giving her a large smile. "Okay, go!" With that Izzy was gone, blending into the crowd.

Magnus came to stand next to Alec, a wide grin on his face. "She looked excited!"

Alec looked over at Magnus, nodding is head. "You realise we wont see her for a week now" Alec gave a small smile. 

"I thought she might like it" The boys walked through the shop avoiding the amount of people. Usually Alec should be freaking out over the number of people but today he wasn't he felt almost content; safe. "Want to do some shopping for yourself?" Magnus asked.

"Hu? No, no I'm good thanks" Alec laughed, shopping wasn't really his thing, he left that to Izzy.

"Oh come on, adds come colour to that drab pallet of yours" Magnus mocked, pointing at his own outfit for comparison.

Alec turned to face Magnus, pointing to his shirt. "I'm wearing red, thats a colour"

Magnus raised his eyes and tilted his head. "Thats burgundy my dear and its still dark" Alec went to say something but just gave shook his head, giving a small smile.

"I must say, I've missed that?"

"Missed what?" Alec looked over at Magnus who was staring up at him.

"Your smile, I haven't seen it for a while" Magnus had a soft smile on his face, his arms swinging next to him. Alec felt his smile grow and looked away to the floor, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Yeah, its-its been a stressful couple of days" Alec tried not to think about them, just thinking about today.

"How...how much does she know?" Magnus said, his voice hushed. 

Alec looked over at Magnus unsure what he meant, it then clicked in Alec's mind.

"I told her I cut my hand and you fixed it, I...I left out the rest" Alec's voice grew quite at the end, he looked down at the floor.

"Okay" Alec looked over at Magnus, he understood what he meant; he wouldn't tell Izzy.

Alec took a large breath and walked forward through the isles. As Alec walked down something caught his eye on the shelf. A row of small wooden rockets were lined up, some painted red others blue. Alec stopped walking and looked up at them.

**September 2015**

_Alec was pissed. He was meant to be out with his friend but was no stuck inside baby sitting. It wasn't fair, why couldn't his parents just not go to the stupid fundraiser and stay home. Alec had shut himself in his room after his parents had left. He grabbed his phone off the side and went to call John he wasn't able to meet him. He was about to hit dial when he stopped. He pulled open his door and ran down the stairs. He went into the living room. Max was seated on the floor playing with his rocket; his most cherished toy. Alec stomped into the living room and threw Max's coat at him._

_The coat landed on Max's lap, he turned around to face Alec, his little face lite up at the sight of his older brother. "Put this on were going out!" Alec yelled, doing up his own jacket._

_"Where?" Max replied, giving Alec a confused look._

_"Doesn't matter, get ready" Alec snapped. Alec never yelled at Max just tonight he was pissed, it wasn't fair that his parents made him stay, they were the parents not Alec._

_Max stood up, still clutching his rocket. "But dad said-"_

_Alec stalked forward, "I don't care what dad said okay, were going out and if dad doesn't like it then screw him" Alec could feel the anger building up inside him, pouring over the edge._

_Max gave a sad look, almost like a puppy. He walked forward to Alec "But I'm playing with my rocket-" Alec reached out and grabbed the toy throwing it onto the large white sofa. Max cried out "Alec!"_

_Max went to run over to grab the toy when Alec caught his hand tugging him towards the door. "Lets go!" He yelled._

**September 2016**

Alec was still stood looking up at the toy, Alec remembered how when he finally got home after a trip to the hospital and hours of interviews he walked into the house, it feeling much colder than before. Izzy had her arms wrapped around Alec as they walked into the living room. Alec could remember his eyes scanning the room before landing on the small red rocket on the sofa, it in the same position that Alec had thrown it hours before. Alec suddenly felt a presences next to him. He turned around to see Magnus stood next to him, looking at him with perplexity. Alec gave Magnus a sad smile before walking away from the isle. The boys walked around the ship in silence, not a uncomfortable or awkward silence. The boys came to a cafe inside the shop, both taking a seat on the tables that outlooked into the shops. 

As the boys sat down Alec saw Izzy walk by, her hands full of shopping bad. She saw the boys and walked over, dropping her bags down before taking a seat. She gave a large exhausted sigh, pushing her long black hair out of her face.

"Having fun?" Alec asked.

Izzy looked down at her bags before looking back up at Alec. "We are never leaving!" Izzy cried, she opened one of the bags and pulled out a purse showing Alec.

"Very nice Izzy." Alec replied, giving a nod of approval.

"Thank you" Izzy gave Alec a sweet smile, before putting her things back into the bag. "So did you to buy anything?"

Magnus leaned forward on the table, his arms crossed in front of him. "I tried to convince Alexander to buy something with some colour but I'm afraid I failed" Magnus gave a dramatic sigh, throwing his hands up in the air.

Izzy gave a small snort, shaking her head. "Yeah thats a losing battle"

Alec leaned forward, holding his hands up. "Okay enough of the ganging up" The group all gave a little laugh. "I'm going to use the loo, Izzy behave while I'm gone" Izzy gave Alec a unimpressed look as he left the table.

Magnus went to say something when Izzy leaned forward on the table, tucking a piece of ink black hair behind her ear. "Listen, can I ask you something?" Her voice was quite and unsure. Magnus gave a small nod and Izzy continued. Izzy took a large breath before thinking her words over, choosing them carefully. "How has Alec been? I know if I ask him he will just say he's fine regardless if its true." Magnus leaned back in his chair, unsure what to say. How had Alec been? Well he ran out of class the first day, ran out of the coffee shop and then ignored Magnus and finally there was the whole incident at the party. Magnus pursed his lips unsure how to reply. He didn't want to lie to Izzy, she seemed concerned about her brother but at the same time he felt like for Alec's...safety he needed to tell her. 

"He had a panic attack didn't he?" Izzy's voice pulled Magnus out of his thought, Izzy was biting her lower lip, he hands fidgeting nervously 

"What?"

Izzy gave a small sigh "I can see it on your face" Magnus closed his eyes quickly.

He leaned forward on his seat, clasping his hands in front of him. "He didn't want me to tell you"

Izzy nodded her head like she was use to it."Don't worry I wont tell him" 

Magnus shifted nervously, there was so much he wanted to ask Izzy about Alec. He had yet to speak to the boy about the marks on his wrist but Magnus was still unsure how to address the situation. He took a large breath."Does he get them a lot?"

Izzy leaned back on the chair. "Depends really, if he's stressed or tired yeah theres other triggers as well"

It made sense, whenever Alec got nervous he always seem to be on the verge of a panic attack. There was something else Magnus wanted to ask, he fidgeting with his rings, twisting them around before crossing his arms on the table. "What about blood? I noticed that thats kind of a...trigger" Magnus looked up from the table and saw the same look Alec had plastered over his face when he saw blood, plastered over Izzy's face.

She stayed still in her seat, she open her mouth then closed it, looking up at the celling. She looked back down and Magnus noticed her eyes had become glassy, he felt guilt in his chest. "Thats uh...thats a long story" Izzy gave a sad nod and used her fingers to quickly wipe her eye, careful the avoid her make up. Magnus didn't want to push any further, clearly there was something that the Lightwood children did not want to speak about.

"Understood" Magnus said softly.

Izzy gave him a thankful smile and shook her head, trying to compose herself. "Just one last thing, Alec doesn't exactly trust people so when he does its...its kinda of a big deal." Magnus nodded his head, remembering Alec admission that he trusted Magnus from the day before. Izzy reached forward and placed her hand on top of Magnus, giving it a light squeeze, her eyes were pleading, Magnus looked at the girl giving her his full attention. "Please don't give him a reason to distrust people more than he already does." Magnus squeezed her hand back, although he didn't understand where this mistrust came from he somehow understood the gravity of Isabelle's request. 

Magnus looked up from the table and saw Alec walking back. He pulled his hand from Izzy and sat back in his chair. He gave Alec a smile as he sat down.

"This place is like a maze I swear" Alec moaned, taking a large breath.

"A wonderful maze filled with wonderful things" Izzy sighed, looking around at the clothes behind her. Izzy's phone started to ring in her bag, she pulled it out and clicked it on, pressing it to her ear. There was silence for a bit but Alec could already tell who it was by the look on Alec's face.

"I'm fine dad!" Izzy sighed, she brought her hand up to her face and rubbed her forehead listening to her fathers worried protests. "Were out shopping...Yes...Yes!...Dad you need to relax okay I'm 16...Fine...Okay...I'll see you later" Izzy pulled the phone away from her ear and throw it into her bag, shaking her head.

"Dad still in a fine mood?" Alec asked, know what the answer would be

Izzy rolled her eyes and rested her arms on the table. "All he's been doing since we left Washington is bitching about this case and yelling at everyone"

Alec felt some guilt creep into his chest, he knew what it was like to be in the house when dad was pissed about a case, it was unbearable. "Sorry"

Izzy stretched her hand and and squeezed her brothers, trying to reassure him that it wasn't his fault. "Its alright" She gave him a small smile.

Alec looked up at his sister. "Hows mom doing?" When there father was angry is was usually Alec who took the worst of it but then Alec was away or out it was there mother.

"She's doing what she does when he's like this"

Alec gave a small nod of his head. "Working" 

Izzy was playing his the hem of Alec's sleeve, her hand still layered over his. "Yeah, as soon as we got back last night dad was yelling at Charles for about an hour and mom went into her room to work" 

Alec nodded his head remembering the meal from the night before. "Yeah dad was partially delightful last night" He gave a large sigh and Izzy squeezed Alec's hand seeming to understand what he was refereeing to.

Magnus watched as the siblings conversed. He didn't interrupt letting them talk about there father. From just this brief conversation Magnus could tell that the pair were close, they seemed to understand what the other was saying just by a look or a single word, Magnus wondered if there was anyone in the world that knew Alec better than his sister, he doubted there was.

Izzy pulled her hand away from Alec and started to gather her bags together. "We'll I'm feeling starved, want to go grab something to eat?"

Alec picked up a few of her bags, helping to carry them for her. "Yeah I could eat?"

Izzy grabbed the last of her bags and stood up straight. "Know anywhere nice Magnus?"

Magnus gave a pondering look, looking up at the celling. "I do know this night little Cafe by campus" He looked over at Alec, giving him a small smile.

"Café Dolce?" Alec asked, he hasn't been to the place since he left a few days ago, he felt his heart staring to beat a little faster.

"You know it?" Izzy said, already walking away from the table.

"Ye-yeah its nice" Alec stuttered. Izzy gave him a confused look before going down the escalators.

**********

The ride back to campus was about five minutes, the group battled through the crowd on the subway and finally got up onto the streets. The walk to the Café was short, Alec held the door open as Izzy walked though with her many bags, Magnus walked in after, giving Alec a thank you. The group took a seat at a table by the window, the light shining in. Both Izzy and Alec ordered themselves sandwiches with a side of chips. Magnus got a salad and a coffee.

Izzy took a bite of her sandwich, looking up at Magnus. "So Magnus, you enjoying the course?"

Magnus took a sip of his coffee, putting it down on the large wooden table. "Yeah its interesting, lots of notes but its good, Alec mentioned you were studying medicine?"

Izzy gave a large smile, nodding her head. "Yeah, going to be a doctor or forensics scientist"

Alec looked over at his sister. "And do mom and dad know that your not playing on being a doctor?"

Izzy took a large breath giving her brother a frustrated look. "I haven't decided yet"

Alec shook his head. "I'm pretty sure dad has"

Izzy put her food down and looked over at Alec. "Dads not in charge of my life Alec, I'm not just going to do a course to please him, its my life" Alec looked at his sister, he could see the passion and fire in her eye. Alec could remember when he had that, when he fought against his parents, when he argued with them, that fire had long be put out, now just a dull spark was there. Izzy's phone went off again, the girl pulled it out and rolled her eyes.

"Dad-" Izzy was clearly cut off by there father. She had a frustrated look on her face as he listened to her fathers request. "Okay, yeah I'm at Cafe Dolce...its right opposite the uni" Izzy gave a finale nod before hanging up the phone.

"What was that about?" Alec asked, taking the finale bite of his sandwich.

Izzy was starting the gather her bags again, the frustrated look still on her face. "Dad wants me back, apparently were going out for dinner somewhere, he's sending Richard to come get me" 

"Richard?" Magnus questioned.

"Out fathers driver" Izzy replied, picking up her last bag.

Magnus raised his eyebrows. "Wow, your father seems like a very important man"

"More like rich than important" Alec muttered.

Izzy pushed her chair in and started to walk out, Alec put come cash down on the table before walking out to meet Izzy and Magnus. Izzy shifted the bags on her arms, she walked forward and hugged Magnus "Well it was lovely to meet you Magnus, we'll have to do this again"

Magnus returned the hug, "Was lovely to meet you too Isabelle, and yes of course" He pulled back and gave the girl a finale smile before turning to face Alec. "Well I'll give you some time to say goodbye" He gave Alec a smile before going back into the Café.

Alec watched as Magnus vanished inside. "He seems nice" Izzy spoke up in front of him.

Alec turned around to see Izzy smile up at him. Alec shook his giving a shy smile. "Yeah, I guess" He looked back up at Izzy who was giggling to herself. "What?" His voice going a little high.

Izzy gave a finale laugh shaking her head. "Nothing" She reached up and wrapped her arms around her brother, closing her eyes. Izzy leaned close to Alec's ear, whispering "Remember; its your life Alec, do what makes you happy" Izzy pulled back and gave him one last smile before the car pulled up at the side of the road, Izzy squeezed Alec's hand before running over to the car, putting her bags in the backseat before climbing in. Alec watched as the car drove away down the street, he turned around and walked back into the Café, Magnus was sat at the table, finishing off his coffee. 

He looked up at Alec. "She get in okay?"

Alec put his hands into his pocket, slightly rocking back and forth on his feet. "Yeah she's all good, Richard is a good guy he'll get her back"

Magnus nodded his head and stood up "So what do you want to do know?'

Alec paused, "Uhh, I...I don't mind?"

Magnus took a step closer to Alec, the light of the sun catching his eyes. "If you want you can come back to mind for a bit, have a drink?"

Alec didn't say anything, he just looked at Magnus in front of him, the sun light illuminating the glitter on his eyes and lips, Alec thought about what Izzy said; do what makes you happy. "Um...yeah sure?" Magnus gave a surprised look before smiling at Alec. The pair walked down the street towards Magnus apartment.

*********

Alec stood behind Magnus as he unlocked his apartment, Magnus gave Alec a smile as Alec passed him stepping inside.

"Make yourself at home" Magnus called as he walked over to the kitchen. The apartment look virtually the same as it did when Alec woke up there the day before. Alec walked in and took a seat on the black leather sofa, his hands folded in his lap. Magnus came out of the kitchen with two cups of coffee, Alec couldn't help must notice Magnus had given him the same one he gave him the other day. Magnus sat the coffee down on the table and sat next to Alec on the sofa.

Magnus made himself comfy on the soda, putting his arm on the side. "Today was fun, your sister is very nice" He picked up his drink and took a sip.

Alec moved further back into the sofa, relaxing a bit. "Yeah, defiantly going to be hard being away from her" Alec sighed, he never liked being away from Izzy, over the last year she had become his anchor. 

Magnus took another sip. "I'm sure she will miss you too"

Alec gave a nod, he put his coffee down on the glass table and sat back. He went to shift himself on the sofa, pressing his hand against the cold fabric. Alec pulled back his hand as a sharp pain went through his arm.

"Hows your hand doing?" Magnus ask, concern apparent in his voice.

Alec sat forward on the sofa, holding his hand out in front of him "Its alright, Jace changed the bandage the other day" 

Magnus shifted closer to Alec, looking down at the bandage, he reached out and took Alec's hand, turning it around to examine the whole hand. "You should probably change it again, keep it from getting infected"

Alec took his hand back and looked down at the bandage. The thought of having to look at the deep cut made Alec's stomach turn.

"I can change it if you want" Alec looked over at Magnus, he was still looking down at the hand. He gave Magnus a nod. Magnus stood up and walked over to a door disappearing inside.

Alec let out a breath he was holding, he could feel his heart beating faster than usual but not due to fear or anxiety. He pulled himself to the edge of the sofa, hit foot was tapping nervously on the floor. Alec heard the door open and saw Magnus walking out with a green medical kit. He placed it on the glass table and unzipped it. He pulled out some bandage and cream. He shifted closer to Alec and took hold of hand, placing it in his lap. "You might want to look away" Alec took Magnus advice and looked away. His focused his eyes on the large bookshelf. 

"You've got a lot of books" Alec said, he could feel Magnus undoing the bandage, the cold air stinging the wound.

"You like to read?" Magnus asked.

"Yeah, if I get spare time" Alec use to do a lot of reading, going through hundreds of books. When he got into his finale year of high school he discovered he never had enough time, always trying to focus on school work. Alec was trying to read the title of the books when he felt the antiseptic cream on his hand. Alec gritted his teeth and looked up to the celling. He used his other hand to grip his thigh. The pain started to dull and he could feel the bandage wrapping around his hand. Magnus held the bandage in place and used some tap to secure it. "Okay there you go" Alec turned around to see a fresh bandage.

"Thanks" Alec replies, his voice soft. Magnus nodded his head in reply. 

"Magnus" Alec's voice was quite, just above a whisper.

"hm?"

 

 

"Why are you still holding my hand" Magnus hand was still wrapped around Alec's his fingers curled around his palm.

Magnus didn't release his hand, he looked up at Alec, his eyes were gentle and welcoming. "Why do you think?" His voice was quite like Alec's.

Alec could feel his heart starting to beat faster. His eyes going between Magnus and Magnus hand. "I don't know" He whispered.

Magnus shifted closer to Alec on the sofa; Alec didn't move away. He looked back up at Alec, there faces closer now. "Why haven't you pulled away"

Alec's eyes searched Magnus face, he could see bits of glitter on his cheeks and lips, the sunlight catching them. Alec open his mouth finding it was suddenly very dry, he licked his lips. "I don't know"

Magnus was still looking at Alec, his eyes never leaving his face. Magnus used his free hand to reach up and cup Alec's cheek, his thumb lightly brushing his cheek. "I think you do Alec.”

Alec didn't move, just looking at the boy sat in front of him. Alec wanted to take his eyes off Magnus but they were fixated on him going between his eyes and lips; Magnus eyes doing the same. Alec could shifted his hand in Magnus grip, turning it around, he paused before intwining his fingers with Magnus. Magnus looked down at there hands before looking back at Alec's wide eyes. Alec could almost hear his heart beating in his ear. Neither of the boys were moving or looking away. Magnus leaned forwards, his face now inches from Alec's. Alec's mind was telling him to pull back, to get up and leave, to do something. 

But he didn't, in that moment the only thing in his mind was his sisters words of wisdom; do what makes you happy.

Alec copied Magnus movements and moved his face closer, his eyes rapidly looking at Magnus lips and eyes. Magnus used his hand on Alec's cheek to pull him closer, Alec took one more breath before his lips finally crashed into Magnus. It was slow and steady, Alec could still hear his heart in his ears, a fiery heat spreading through his body. Magnus's hand wrapped around Alec's neck, Alec deepened the kiss, using his free hand to grab Magnus shirt pulling him closer, Alec back collided against the arm of the sofa, his hand still gripping Magnus shirt, Magnus pulled his hand away from Alec's and placed it on Alec's hips. Alec deepened the kiss again, his lips slightly parting. Alec's head was spinning, his mind filled with hundred of different emotions. His head felt blurry, hazy. The hand on Alec's neck came down to his chest, gripping his shirt pulling him closer to Magnus. 

Something clicked in his mind, like the hazy had lifted, his rational thought returning. His eyes snapped open and he used the hand against Magnus chest to push him off, dashing from the sofa his breathe coming out quickly. Alec was stood frozen, his mind was everywhere.

"What did I just do?!" Alec could hear the panic and fear in his own voice.

Magnus looked up at Alec and hurried off the sofa towards him holding his arms up. "Alec its okay!"

Alec stumbled back, shaking his head. "No, no, no that-that was bad that was a mistake!" Alec yelled, his chest was beginning to hurt, he could feel his hands trembling by his side. He brought them up to wipe his face, pulling at his hair.

"Alec-" Magnus voice was filled with worry, he tried to get closer to Alec but Alec just stumbled back, trying to keep as far away from Magnus was he could.

Alec turned around and headed for the door "I need to go-" His voice was shaking.

Magnus ran after him, he went to grab Alec but decided touching the boy would make it worse. "Alec you did nothing wrong!" He was almost pleading with Alec, but Alec kept walking towards the door ignoring Magnus. "Alec we need to talk-"

Alec spun around, his eyes were blurry, he could feel his eyes starting to sting. He held his hands up to stop Magnus from coming any closer "No, no we don't that didn't happen, that was stupid...I never should of come here this was a mistake" Alec was shaking his head again, his head was pounding to many thoughts whizzing around.

"Alec...don't do this Alec-" Magnus was almost begging. Magnus stepped forward towards Alec. Alec pulled his body away from Magnus and threw open the apartment door and took off down the stairs. Alec stagger into the street, he didn't look behind just kept walking forward.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.  What was Alec thinking? Alec squeezed his eyes shut and felt something hit his face, he looked up at the sky to see if it was raining; nothing. He put his head down and felt another drop slide down his face. He reached up and aggressively wiped the tears from his face. His legs were starting to sting from the pace he was walking but he didn't stop. He turned the corner and saw the apartment. He kept going, pushing open the doors running up the stairs. He saw his door and shakily got out his keys putting them into the lock. He pushed open the door and slipped inside. He shut it behind him and rested his head against the door. His breath was coming out in sharp gasps, his hands wrapped around his keys. He spun around and threw the keys across the doom, they collided with the bathroom door landing with a thud. Alec leaned his back against the door. He could feel his lip trembling, his eyes still stinging.

What had be done? Alec subconsciously started to shake his head, why did he listen to Izzy? She didn't know what she was talking about, she didn't understand what was at risk. Alec didn't feel anything for Magnus, it was just a stupid mistake, it didn't mean anything it was a mistake. Alec felt like everything was crumbling around him. He couldn't feel anything for Magnus it wasn't possible, this wasn't the plan. Alec pushed himself off the door and staggered over to his bed falling down on it. Alec buried his face into the pillow. He wanted to scream. Everything had been going so well, why did he have to ruin it. Alec shot up in the bed and pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened his contact list. He scrolled down and found the one he was looking for. A clicked Magnus name,

_ Ring Contact _

_ Send Message _

**_ Delete Contact? _ **

Alec hovered above the delete button, he thought back to the family meal, the couple sat across so happy to be with each other. His fathers face popped into his head, the look of disgust and hatred consuming his mind. Alec hit delete and threw his phone across the room, it crashing into the wall falling to the ground. Alec fall back in his bed curling up on his side. Alec could feel fresh tears rolling down his face, he used his shoulder to push them away. Alec closed his eyes and curled his hands into the sheet. Alec thought about the couple one last time finally being able to pinpoint the feeling he felt when he saw them; jealously. He was jealous that they were able to be happy, be open. Alec felt one finale tear trial down his face as the realisation hit him like a brick.

He would never be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mini panic/anxiety attack at the end of the fic. Lasts about 2/3 mini paragraphs. Not explicit.


	10. Downfall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a bit late, been really busy with work! Also feel like I should say this chapter is pretty dark, Alec goes through a lot, if you read this the fluff and skip the angsty bits you might want to skip this chapter because its pretty heavy! 
> 
> Quick thank you to everyone that leaves comments, I can't thank you enough! -A♥
> 
> *TRIGGER WARNING*  
> panic attack/self harm  
> See end of notes for more details

Alec rolled over in the bed, pulling the quilt up to his chest. He yawned, curling up on himself. "Dude?" Alec pushed the voice away and rolled back over to the other side, pulling the quilt up higher, Alec didn't want to hear anybodies voice, he just wanted to be left alone. "Hey, Alec?" Alec groaned, slowly pushing the quit down. Jace was stood next to Alec's bed dressed in a pair of black jeans and a plain white top, his bag slung over his shoulder. Why was Jace up so early. 

"What?" Alec mumbled, closing his eyes again, he wanted to roll away again, hide under the quilt.

"You alright?" Jace's voice was quite and soft.

Alec could of laughed at that question, he was far from alright and he knew it. The events from last night were still fresh in his mind, never leaving. He squeezed his eyes shut tighter however that just made it worse, images of Magnus began to fill mind, becoming front and centre. Alec groaned and pulled himself up into a sitting position, rubbing his eyes trying to clear the images and thoughts that filled his mind..

"Why aren't you at class?" Jace asked, he was still stood by Alec's bed.

Alec wiped his hand down his face, rubbing the back of his neck. "Class doesn't start till 8:30" Alec didn't even want to think about going to class, having to see Magnus.

"Alec...its 8:30 now" 

"What?" Alec's head spun around to Jace, the boy was looking at him confused. Alec looked around for his phone but he was unable to find it. "Shit!" Alec yelled, remembering he threw it the other night, probably breaking it in the process thus breaking his alarm. Alec quickly jumped off the bed and ran around to his desk shoving his books into his bag, he quickly did the zip up and throw it over his shoulder.

"Why are you still wearing that?" Jace asked, clearly referring to Alec's clothes which were the same as last nights. Alec didn't have time to respond, he looked around for his keys, finding them by the bathroom door. Alec grabbed them, quickly grabbing his phone as well. He passed Jace and ran out of the apartment. 

Alec pushed open the double doors and ran out of the apartment. He sprinted down the street towards the campus, he was going to be late. Shit. Alec rounded the corner he could see the building across the road. Alec narrowly avoided the cars while crossing the road. He got onto campus and ran into the building flying up the stairs to the lecture hall. Alec took the finale step and quickly walked down the hall. Alec was breathing hard, his chest aching. He could see the doors at the end of the hall, the lecture had started. He slowed as he came towards the door. He reached out and slowly pushed open the doors, he slipped through the gap and walked into the hall. Mr Starkweather looked over at Alec, giving him a small glare. Alec mouthed the words 'sorry' and started up the steps towards his seat. As he was walking he looked up, his pace slowed. Magnus was sat in his seat, the one in front of Alec. Magnus was looking at Alec his face full of worry or pity, he was unsure. Alec stopped walking, just looking at Magnus. His usual seat behind him was still available, Alec's hand tightened around his bag strap. He should just go sit there, get on with his life, it was a stupid mistake that meant nothing. Alec took a deep breath and walked up the steps towards the seat he about to sit down when he heard a voice.

"Alec!" He turned around to see a girl sat down, a empty seat next to her. She was smiling brightly at him, pointing at the seat. Alec gave a small frown, he had no idea who the girl was? Alec looked at her a moment longer and it suddenly clicked in his mind, it was the girl from Clary's party, the one he had been talking to. Alec looked back over at his seat, Magnus was looking over his shoulder at Alec. Alec gave one finale look before walking over the the girl sitting down next to her. Alec used all his strength not to look back over at his old seat. He looked at the girl next to him, giving her a small smile which she returned. Alec pulled out his books and put them on the table. He opened the text book and looked down, focusing his eyes on the words. He felt eyes on him, Alec quickly looked up from his book, he looked out of the corner of his eye to see Magnus quickly turning back round the the front. Alec swallowed, he bit his bottom lip. His eyes were still lingering on Magnus, he was wearing a pair of black jeans and a dark blue silk shirt, his hair still had the blue dyed tips from last night. Magnus turned around again, the pairs eyes meeting. Magnus gave Alec a small smile, Alec took a large breath.

"Alexander Lightwood?" The loud voice pulled Alec's eyes away from Magnus. Mr Starkweather had his arms crossed over his chest. He was glaring at Alec. "Am I interrupting something?" Alec felt his face lose some of its colour. Alec just looked at Mr Startkweather, he gave one finale look at Magnus before back at the teacher.

"No, its nothing" Alec replied, trying to insert as much confidences into it as he could. He took a large breath. "Its nothing important" He didn't look back over at Magnus instead looking back down at his book, it was nothing important, Alec repeated it over in his head while taking him notes.

**********

The lesson went painfully slow, Alec had already done these notes so was taking the ones for next lesson. He kept checking the clock, finding the time hadn't changed. Finally the lesson ended, Alec picked up his books and put them into his bag, the girl next to him; who's name was Samantha, turned out to be a nice girl, she apologised for being drunk at the party, Alec told her it was fine he couldn't really remembered much. They walked down the stairs and the Samantha said goodbye and walked to her next lesson, Alec began walking down the hall alone, he went down the steps, pushing open the main downs walking out into campus. 

"Alec!" Alec didn't have to turn around to know who was calling his name. He squeezed his eyes shut and started to walk faster. "Alec!" The voice was louder and more desperate. Alec cursed under his breath, why couldn't he just go away, this wasn't the plan. "Please just talk to me-"

Alec spun around walking closer to Magnus, his voice hushed. "Theres nothing to talk about Magnus" He spoke quickly, his eyes darting around.

Magnus gave Alec a sympathetic look, his head tilting to the side. "Alec its okay-"

Alec shook his head, looking down at the floor, why was he making this so hard. "Magnus stop-"

Magnus held his hands up like he did the night before. "Look why don't-"

Alec had had enough, he just needed to get this done. "Stop okay!" Alec yelled, Magnus frowned, he looked shocked. "Why do you keep pushing it?" His voice was harsh and sharp. He needed to get this over with, he needed to move on. He took a deep breath "It was a stupid mistake that didn't mean anything okay!" Alec knew he was being belligerent, Magnus didn't deserve this spiteful treatment, he had been nothing but kind to Alec since they meet but he didn't know what else to do. Alec looked up from the floor and looked at Magnus. A tremendous feeling of guilt came over him, Magnus looked utterly shocked, a small hint of hurt hidden behind his eyes. Alec shook his head, looking off to the side. "Ju-just leave me alone okay" His voice was small and shaken, Magnus seemed to have collected himself, he was looking at Alec with concern and worry.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of Alec" His voice was soft and comforting and god Alec wanted to believe him.

Alec felt a lump start to form in his throat, this was much harder than Alec had anticipated. He took a step backward, still looking at Magnus "Bye Magnus" Alec sighed and finally turned away leaving Magnus standing there alone. He walked down the campus facing forward, his hand was wrapped around the strap of his bag, he was staring straight ahead not daring to look behind. Alec shakily pulled out his phone from his pocket, deciding to see if it worked. Alec cursed, there was a large crack was in the top corner of the phone, spreading down into the middle. Alec turned it on, seeing if it would work. There was a pause before the phone came back to life. Alec gave a sigh of relief. Alec could still make out the screen, it being slightly difficult because of the crack. His phone beeped,

_10:45am: Hope everything is alright didn't get a chance to tell you but Clary is coming around for a bit, hope thats alright._

Alec could throw the phone again, he really didn't want to have to make conversation with Clary and try to smile. He just wanted to go back to his room and sleep. He put his phone back into his pocket and carried on down the road to his apartment, he reached his hand up and pinched the bridge of his nose. His head was pounding, he just wanted to sleep. Alec kept walking down the road, hoping the fresh air was clear his head; it didn't. He walked around the corner and saw the apartment, he walked towards it and pulled open the doors going up the steps. He reached the top and went to towards his room, he could hear talking and laughing from the outside. He reached out and turned the handle, he pushed open the door and quickly knocked letting Clary and Jace know he was coming in. 

"Hey Alec!" Jace called out. Alec came into the room. Jace and Clary were sat on Jace's bed, his laptop on the end on the bed, the pair watching some film. Alec gave Jace a small smile, throwing his bag onto the floor next to his bed. 

"Hey" Clary said in a cheerful voice, her bright hair was pulled up into a messy bun. "Hows your hand Alec?' Clary said, sitting up and crossing her legs.

"Fine thanks." Alec muttered, looking down at his bandage. "Sorry about the blood" He said facing his wardrobe, pulling out a grey sweater and another pair of black jeans. 

"Its fine, just glad your okay" She said, Alec turned around and started to walk towards the bathroom.

"How was class?" Jace asked moving forward to pause his film.

"Fine" Alec knew his reply was short and sharp but he was to tired to care. He open the bathroom door and slipped in, he locked the door behind him and threw his clothes on top of the toilet. He turned on the shower and took a seat on the floor, his bad leaning against the door. He closed his eyes as steam started to fill the room. Alec wanted to stay in the room, stay away from everyone body else. Why did other people have to be so confusing. This isn't what Alec thought University would be like, he knew it would be hard and confusing but he didn't think it would be so draining, he was tired. He let his head roll back onto the door, he could hear Jace and Clary quietly chatting, he wasn't able to make out what they were saying. He looked down at the bandage on his hand, it all started that night, that stupid party ruined everything, made everything confusing and mixed up. Alec slowly pulled the tap off the bandage letting the bandage loosen. He slowly began to undone the bandage, the pressure lessening on his hand. He turned his head away as the finale layer fell from his hand. he took a large breath before looking at his hand. There was a long red cut that went up the middle of his hand. It had began to heal slightly, the outside surrounded by purple bruises. He tired to squeeze his hand but a sharp pain shot through his hand. He stood up from the floor and walked over the other shower taking his clothes off and throwing them onto the floor. He stepped into the shower trying to keep his injured hand away from the water. He carefully brought it under the water "shit" Alec hissed, he waited for the pain to pass before continuing to wash. He stayed in the shower for about 5 minutes before finally pulling himself out. He grabbed towel and quickly dried himself. He grabbed his new clothes and slipped them on careful of his hand. He open up the cupboard and grabbed the first aid box, as he did he noticed a box of razors in the back obviously belonging to Jace. Alec pulled his eyes away and closed the cupboard. He took a new bandage and wrapped it around his hand, doing it up with tap. He chucked it back in the cupboard and grabbed his clothes.

Alec opened the door and walked out, putting his clothes in the washing basket. Alec looked over and noticed it was just Jace in the room now, he sat himself on the desk, opening his laptop.

"Clary wanted me to say bye, she had some art work to do" Jace offered

"Cool" Alec replied, typing up the notes from the lesson.

There was a pause. "So...wanna talk about it?"

"Talk about what?" Alec replied, not turing around.

"Whatever has so clearly pissed you off" There wasn't any venom in Jace's voice, just curiosity.

"I'm not pissed off" Alec replied in a clearly pissed off voice.

"So how was your day with your sister?" Jace asked, trying to lighten the tense mood.

Alec sighed, he really wasn't in the mood for small talk. "Good thanks" Alec continued the type on his computer. He heard movement from behind him.

"Wanna go play basketball?" He turned around to see Jace holding the basketball in his hand. Alec made a face and Jace seemed to understand what he was saying. He gave a dramatic sigh before continuing."Dude come on, I'll stop pestering you?"

"Jace, I'm fine!" Alec nearly yelled.

 

Jace threw the ball on his bed, crossing his arms over his chest. "Okay what is wrong with you!?"

Alec shook his head, turing back round to his computer. "Nothing!"

"Well thats bullshit!" Jace laughed.

"Why can't you just leave it alone?" Alec sighed, he was seriously done with this conversation and Jace.

"Because i'm your my room mate?" Jace replied, his tone having a hint of frustration.

Alec was done. He stood up from his chair, pushing pass Jace. "I'm going to go get some air" He walked towards the door and was about to open it when he heard Jace yell.

 

"Stop walking away whenever someone tried to help?" The frustration was now apparent in Jace's voice.

Alec turned around to face Jace, crossing his arms over his chest. "Since when are you in charge of me Jace!"

Jace rubbed his face with his hands, throwing them out to the side. "Okay why are you even taking this course?" Alec gave a confused face, Jace continued. "It clearly makes your miserable"

"You don't know what you're talking about!" Alec's voice was raising.  

"Yes I do Alec!" Jace yelled back.

Alec gave a bitter laugh, throwing his arms to the side. "You think you know everything don't you Jace, well you don't okay!"

"I never said-"

Alec took a step closer to Jace. "You didn't have to say it" He yelled, Alec balled his fist at his side and shook his head he was so dam tired of having this conversation "I am so tired of people acting like they know whats best for me! You have no idea whats best for me so stop acting like you do, you're just some kid that I share a room with not my brother so just back off!" Alec's chest was breathing heavily, he could feel himself starting to lose his cool. 

Jace gave another bitter laugh. "You know what I have been trying and trying hard to be a friend to you but you make it impossible, its like pulling teeth!" He's tone was harsh and fed up. Jace was clearly as done with this conversation as Alec was.

Alec squinted his eyes, shaking his head. "Then why don't you do us both a favour and stop trying!"

"I'll be happy to" Jace yelled.

"Good!" Alec yelled back. Jace quickly turned around and grabbed his jacket, shoving past Alec.

"You know what screw you Alec!" He called over his shoulder.

"Right back at you" Alec yelled as the door slammed. He could feel the anger still travelling around his body. He wanted to smash or break something. he felt his phone buzzing in his pocket, he pulled it out, a number Alec didn't recognise was across the screen. He clicked it and held it to his ear, using the other hand to rub his forehead.

"Hello who is this?" His voice was annoyed.

There was a slight pause before a voice spoke up. "Alec don't hang up just listen-"

Alec squeezed the phone tighter using all his willpower not to smash it against the wall. "Magnus this isn't the time" It was short and cutting.

"Whats wrong-"

"YOU!" Alec cried, his voice shaking with hundreds of emotions, the most present one being anger. "You are whats wrong Magnus! You started this, all of this is your fault so just back off okay!" Alec could feel his face heating up, his hands shaking "Don't call me again" He yelled, his voice slightly breaking.

"Alec-" Before Magnus could continue he clicked the phone off and threw it onto the bed. Alec just stood in the middle of the empty room. He was still breathing heavily, his chest aching. Alec brought his hand up to his face, balling it up into a fist. He swung around, his fist slamming into the wall next to the door. Alec yelped at the pain, pulling his hand back. A slight dent in the wall was left behind. Alec hissed as the pain started the travel up his arm, the familiar feeling of pain allowing Alec to focus. Alec leaned against the wall his hand held close to his stomach. He could feel his lip trembling, he needed to get out of the room. Alec walked over to the bed and pulled out the suitcase from under neither. He was done with this place he wanted out. Alec pulled the case out and undid the zip throwing open the lid. 

Alec froze, he regretted the decision instantly. The silver frame was lying at the bottom of the case, the three faces looking up at him. Alec reached down and grabbed the frame. Alec could remember the day the picture was taken. It had been Alec's 16th Birthday, his mother had insisted on getting a picture of all the children together.

**Two Years Ago - September 2014**

_Maryse was stood glaring at her children, her hands on her hips. She had been trying to get them to take a family picture for the last ten minutes. "Max please would just put that down and come take this picture?" The siblings were all sat on the floor, playing with Max and his toys._

_"But mommm!" Max whined._

_"No 'mom', come take this picture with you siblings!" She said firmly, she loved her children but they could be very stubborn at times._

_Max gave the signature 'Lightwood eye roll' Before putting his rocket down and standing up, his siblings waking along side him. Alec walked by a ruffled his younger brothers hair. Max scrunched his face up and tried to sort his hair out._

_Izzy walked over the sofa and sat down, patting her lap. "Come here Max" Gave gave a large smile before scrabbling onto his sisters lap. Izzy wrapped her arms around Max. Alec gave his siblings a large smile before sitting next to Izzy, Max shifted on Izzy's lap so he was sat in-between the older siblings._

_Maryse gave a sigh of relief. "So now lets have a big smile from everyone" The siblings gave a smile. Max reached his hands behind his siblings, putting up bunnies ears behind their heads._

_Maryse sighed putting the camera down. "Max!"_

_"What?" He called back, a cheeky smile on his face. The older siblings gave a small laugh. All the children calmed down and gave a smile. Their mother took the photo the flash going off._

_Maryse put the camera down and looked at the picture, she gave a large thankful smile. "Thank you, now was that so hard?" She gave the children a smile before walking off_

_Max turned around and crawled onto Alec's lap, looking up at his older brother. "Alec?"_

_"Yeah Max?" Alec replied._

_"Can we go play now?" His voice was hopeful, his eyes shining bright._

_"Yeah of course" Max jumped off Alec's lap and ran back over to his toys. "Izzy you coming?" Alec called over to Izzy._

_Izzy rushed off the sofa and linked her arm through Alec's "Course big bro!" Alec looked down at his little sister, then back over to his little brother. He gave a _content smile as Izzy ran over to Max, picking him off the floor throwing him on her shoulders.__

**Present**

Alec pulled himself from the memory, that was the last birthday Alec had enjoyed. The year after Alec's birthday was overshadowed by the tragedy. The year after the same. Alec looked back down at the picture. Max's face was smiling up at Alec, his eyes bright and full of light. Alec carefully stood up from the floor and sat at the edge of his bed. He just stared down at the picture, he swept his thumb over the glass. Suddenly the back popped out, the picture slipping onto the floor. Alec put the frame on the bed and grabbed the picture off the floor, he paused noticing there was something written on the back. He grabbed it and turn it over.

_Dear Alec,_

_Happy birthday honey hope you had a great day you deserve it. So proud of everything you have done and achieved and so proud of where you are going._

_Love you always Alexander - Mom xoxo_

Alec bit his lip to stop it from trembling. He missed his family, what he had now wasn't a family, it was the broken pieces of one. His missed the way his mother use to smile whenever Alec walked into a room, how his father would pat his back when he got a good grade, how Izzy would run around the house like the world was hers and finally he missed Max. He missed Max's bright eyed smiled, the way he would scream Alec's name whenever he came home from school, pulling him into a hug. Alec felt rage building in his chest, it wasn't fair, their family didn't deserve this. Alec grabbed the silver frame and threw it into the bathroom, he heard the glass shattered, flying across the floor. He kicked the suitcase back under the bed. He looked back down at the photo, he threw open his draw and chucked it there, not wanting to look at it.

Alec regretted bring the picture with him, he regretted meeting Magnus and he regretted befriending Jace. Alec walked back over to his cupboard and pulled out a pair of joggers, he threw his jeans off and pulled on the joggers. He walked over to his desk and sat down in it, he gave a sigh before opening his laptop again going back to his notes. 

**********

_The dark figures came closer. Alec felt his stomach drop. What he assumed was two figures was actually around eight or ten, the rest were hidden in the shadows. Alec grabbed Max’s hand and paused, thinking about his next move. He spun on his heels and started to walk in the opposite direction._

_“Hey, hey, hey where you going to quickly” The male voice from behind spoke up again, it seemed closer, he gripped Max’s hand harder, Max looked up at Alec, a terrified expression on his face._

_“Yeah, don’t you know its rude to ignore someone” A second voice yelled at the boys, a small laugh followed. Not a laugh of joy or happiness but one of sinister intentions._

_“Didn’t your mother ever tell you that” The first voice spoke up again, this time Alec felt a large, cold hand grab his shoulder, Alec ruffly jolted his shoulder and turned around, the what Alec could only presume was a gang, were much closer than he thought, there tall bodies towering the two boys._

_“Whoa, chill kid” A tall pasty man with long greasy hair stood in front of Alec. His arms littered with different tattoos._

_“Yeah just relax, were not going to hurt you; right boys?” A low voice appeared from behind him, he turned his head to see some of the gang had gone behind; trapping them in a circle. Alec felt his heartbeat increase, he looked at the group stood in front of them, they were all extremely muscular, and all appeared to be looking at a man that stood slightly closer to the boys; he assumed this was the leader. He was fair skinned, his eyes were a icy blue colour like Alec’s, his hair a dark brown._

_“We don’t want any trouble-“ Alec was surprised by how confident his voice sounded._

_“Neither do we blue eyes” The man took another step closer, his face inches from Alec’s. He felt max grab his leg, holding on like it was the only thing keeping him standing; maybe it was._

_“Just let him go” His voice came out as a whisper, not wanting to scare Max. He knew what was about to happen, the gang didn’t seem to be backing down and Alec was running out of options. The just stared at him. He gave Alec a finale look before looking at some who was stood behind Alec and giving them a nod._

_“Alec!” Max cried out next to him, Alec spun his head around to see two man grabbing Max’s arm pulling off Alec._

_“HEY! Let him-“ A fist came in contact with Alec’s stomach, sending him crumpling to the floor. He fit the floor with a thud. Before he could catch his breath a foot crashed into his chest, Alec cried about, he tried to move his hands to defend himself but found the pain to much. Alec was pulled up from the floor by a pair of hands, he was shoved into the wall, his back crashing into it. He felt hands on him, going into his pockets_

_“ALEC!” Max’s little voice broke through his pain, his eyes tore open. He quickly reached his hands up and landed a punch to one of the mens jaw, he tried to push the other man off him, using all his strength. Another member of the group took the fallen mans place, his fist slamming into Alec’s stomach again and again. Alec fell to the floor, a man reached down to grab him, with all his strength he kicked out, somehow hitting the man in the face sending him flying. From the ground he could hear Max crying and screaming._

_“MAX RUN!” His voice was weak, using all his energy to shout. He pushed himself off the floor and started to push back at the group, his arms swinging out at anyone who stood close._

_“Get-get off” Alec was yelling. He saw someone talking off down the alley; max. He was about to give a sigh of relief when he saw a man run after him grabbing him by the arm. Max’s pushed back, hitting the man his his tiny fists “Alec, ALEC, HELP!” His voice pierced Alec’s ears._

_“LET HIM GO NOW!-LET HIM G-“ He was slammed back into the wall, a cold blade being pressed against his neck. Alec froze._

_“Chill out kid, your making it harder than this needs to be-“ The man used his other hand to search Alec’s pockets taking out his phone and cash shoving them into his own pockets. “See this didn’t need to be difficult.” Alec kept his eye on max, he was still struggling with the man, pushing against his chest to break free._

_Alec looked back at the leader in front of him, his eyes cold “Just let him go, okay! Let him-”_

_A ear shattering boom rang out on the alley, the sharp noises echoed for a few seconds before silence befall the alley._

_“Shit” Alec’s head turned towards the voice._

_A skinny man stood a few feet from the group, and black hand gun in his hand, on the floor in front of him lead a body; Max._

_“Shit, Johnson what the fuck man!” The leader cried out, walking away from Alec to the Skinny man, snatching the gun from his hand, with nothing holding him up Alec’s legs gave way, falling to the floor hard._

_“He reached for it I didn’t have a-“_

_“No” Alec’s voice was barley above a whisper, his eyes not moving from Max who laid unmoving. “Max, max, no!” He pushed himself off the floor and began to charge towards the men, a hand grabbed him stopping him from moving “let me go, LET ME GO NOW,-M-MAX!” Alec was thrashing, trying to push everyone off him._

_“Lets get the fuck outa here, NOW!” The leader yelled, staring down at the boy on the floor._

_“What about this one” The man behind Alec spoke up. Alec could feel eyes on him but he didn’t care, he needed to get to Max, he tried to turn around and push the guy off of him, his fists pounding into his chest._

_“Leave him, lets get outta here” As soon as the leader spoke up Alec was shoved to the floor, his hands scrapping across the dirty wet ground. The alley became empty within few seconds, the gang fleeing. Alec clambered from the floor running over to Max, as he approached his legs caved falling next to Max. His face was deathly white like snow, the only colour on his face was a small trickle of blood falling out of his mouth._

_“Max! No please Max!” He was screaming at him, his shaking hands cupping Max’s tiny face and gently shaking it ._

_“Max, Max say something-pa-please say something!” Max’s breath was coming out laboured, Alec tore off his coat and placed it on Max’s wound, pressing down to stop the bleeding._

_“Al-alec wha-what happened” Max’s tiny voice spoke up, his voice strained and breathy._

_“Your fine- your-your going to be fine, I promise” Alec stumbled over his words, pushing down harder on the wound, the blood seeping through his coat onto his hands._

_“Alec I fe-feel col-cold” A cough ripped through Max’s chest, more blood fell from his mouth. Alec quickly let go of the wound and took his jacket off, leaving himself in just a shirt. He laid the jacket over Max. He quickly held the coat again, trying to stop the blood that had pooled around the pair._

_“Here, just don’t move, okay just stay there okay!” Alec didn’t know what to do, he need to go find help but could face leaving Max alone in the alley, he had no phone to call for help. He looked around to see if anyone had heard. “HELP, Someone HELP ME!” His voice shrieked through the alley followed by a tiny cry._

_“Alec, I-I c-a” Max coughed again, tears fall from his eyes and mixed with the blood on his cheek._

_“Max just relax okay, just stay awake!” Alec placed a hand on Max’s face, wiping away the tear._

_“I’m-i’m scared” The voice was broken and terrified. Max opened his mouth to say something but stopped, a few coughs came from his mouth before his head fell back onto the floor, his body not moving_

_“Its fine, I swear, I promise your be fine just-Max stay awake, wake up!” He patted Max’s face, trying to coax the small fragile boy awake. He placed his ear over Max’s mouth to feel for breath; nothing. Alec pulled his face away and looked down at his brother, his eyes open but not moving. “MAX! MAX!” He screamed in his face, shaking his shoulders. “No, no, no, no, this is-isn’s happening” Alec shocked his head, pushing down on the wound which still poured with blood. “MAX! No please do-don’t” Alec couldn't breath, he felt as if someone was squeezing his lungs preventing now air from travelling “Ma-Max please! MAX!!” His head feel forward and rested on Max’s chest, a suppressed cry tore through Alec’s chest, his hands coming up to grab Max’s shirt._

_“Someone call a ambulance”A voice screamed from behind him; a woman. Alec didn’t move from his position._

_“Kid are you okay? A different voice this time; a man._

_“Oh my god what happened? The woman screamed, she was clearly distraught._

_“Kid-“ Alec felt a hand grab his shoulder trying to pull him back from Max. He spun round and pushed the man off him, “GET OFF ME!”He screamed at the man, he turned back around to look at Max, he felt coldness wash over him. “Max, I’m-I’m sorry” Alec grabbed his little brothers hand and squeezed wanting nothing more than to feel a squeeze back. He heard voice behind him but it sounded like white noise, like he wasn’t really there. Maybe he wasn’t, maybe it was just a horrible nightmare that he would wake up from. Another hand grabbed Alec’s arm, he lashed out pushing at the person._

_“Heyy! Were not trying to hurt you kid okay!” The voice was soft and caring. Alec looked up to see a middle aged black man, his brown eyes full of warmth. Alec noticed a figure the other side of Max._

_“GET AWAY FROM HIM” He went to lunge at the person but the man stopped him grabbing his shoulders, Alec flinched and tried to escape, a sob escaping his mouth._

_“My names Luke okay, were with the ambulance, were here to help” Alec looked at the man, noticing for the first time the ambulance uniform. Luke looked over to the man hovering above Max, Alec followed his eyes. The man had two fingers pressed to Max’s neck. The man looked up at Luke and shock his head, sorrow in his eyes._

_“No, no, no” Alec found the words tumbling out of his mouth, tears pouring down his face. Luke gave Alec a distressed look._

_“I’m sorry kid” He sounded sincere, his eyes watery._

_Alec opened his mouth to say something but no words came out, he felt his whole body go numb; Max was dead. He fell forward, crashing into Luke’s shoulder. The older man paused before his arms wrapped around Alec. He felt nothing, no pain, no sadness no anger, just empty. Alec could feel the tears running down his face. He closed his eyes and hoped to wake up in his bed. He peeled his eyes open. His vision was greeted by the dark alley, he could smell the rubbish and the cold metallic smell of blood. Alec felt a sob escape him and then a cry._

Alec awoke with a cry, his chest was pounding. He scrambled out of his chair stumbling back. Alec brought his hand to his chest clutching at it, trying to find some breath. The whole room was spinning and felt like a box. Alec stumbled and grabbed onto the wall for support, he felt like something was sucking the air out of him, pulling the ground from beneath him. He felt like the walls were closing in on him, his vision becoming blurry. A intense pain spread through Alec's chest, he felt like someone had knock all the air out of him, he felt like he did that night, he could almost feel the knife against his throat. Everything felt blurry and fuzzy, like he wasn't really there. Alec squeezed his eyes shut but nothing happened.

"Br-breath" Alec stuttered. It didn't work. Alec shook his head trying to gain control but nothing was happening, he was falling deeper into the void. "5...4...3" His legs were shaking underneath him, his there was no bone to hold him up. His whole body felt cold like ice had been poured onto him "5..4.." Alec could breath, nothing was working. He pushed himself off the wall and staggered to the bathroom crashing inside. He reached out and grabbed onto the sink, he turned on the tap bring some water to his face. The sudden coldness did nothing. He looked back up into the mirror, his blue eyes were surrounded with tears.

_"Neither do we blue eyes"_

The mans voice was echoed in Alec's head followed by Max's cry. "Shut up" Alec cried, pulling his hands to his ears covering them trying to block out the sound. Max's voice just got louder, filling Alec's mind taking over his head. "SHUT UP!!" Shrieked Alec, everything was falling apart, he was losing control and he needed to get it back before it was to late. Alec was struggling to find any breath, he grip the edge of the sink feeling his legs become weaker, feeling like he would pass out any moment. He looked back into the mirror and something in the background caught his eye. A large shinny piece of glass caught his eye. He closed his eyes feeling tears fall down his face.

"No, no, no" Alec cried, he didn't want to do it, he had come so far, lasted so long. Alec felt his arms becoming fuzzy, pins and needles taking over. Alec tired it one finale time "5...4...3...2..2" Alec threw his hands to his neck unable to find anymore breath. He spun and and fell next to the toilet his hands searching the floor, he snatched the piece of glass off the ground wrapping his hand around it. He brought his knees up to his chest, still struggling to find his breath. He rubbed the edge of the glass with his fingers. He swore he would never do it again, he had promised Izzy he would never do it. He wrapped his hand around the glass, he just needed a small one, something to channel his thoughts to, to allow him to gain control again. Another pain shot though his chest, he shoved up the sleeve of his sweater looking down at his arm, a few white marks littered Alec's arm. 68 days. Alec played with the piece of glass in his hand, his whole body was in pain but at the same time felt numb, like he wasn't really but but watching it from a distances. Without an another thought he swiped the glass across his wrist carelessly. The pain washed over his body, he concentrated on the pain and slowly his breathing slowed. He rested his head back on the toilet. He took in a large breath, his hands still shaking next to him. He continued to breath slowly, his heartbeat slowing. As he started to relax, the pain in his arm intensified, he looked down at his wrist. In his panic and daze he has cut deeper than he intended. Alec quickly looked away from the blood on his arm, unsure he would be able to stomach it after his memory. Alec looked up at the celling, squeezing his eyes. He slowly reached over and pulled open the sink cupboard, the first air box feel out onto the floor. He undid the zip with one hand, he grabbed the bandage from earlier and without looking began to wrap it round his wrist. He hissed in pain. He wrapped it around tight before sticking it down. He feel back against the toilet his arm throbbing. 68 days. Alec felt his stomach churn, he had done so well. Alec looked around the bathroom at the mess. Glass was sprayed across the floor, the medical kit was emptied on the ground, a roll of bandage sat in front of Alec. Alec wanted to get out of the bathroom but was unsure his legs would support him. He felt weak and empty. Alec took a large breath and pulled himself off the floor, using his uninjured hand to grip the edge of the sink. He paused before walking out of the bathroom. 

He walked over to his bed and laid down feeling like he was about to pass out any moment. Alec rolled onto his back, looking up at the celling. His mind couldn't help bur drift back to the first day at school, he was so sure this was his 'fresh start' he could laugh at how stupid he was, he would never get a fresh start, what he did would follow him forever. A never ending punishment. In one week Alec had made two new friends and in one day he had lost them both. Maybe it was easier this way, he could carry on with his parents plan without people getting involved. Thats what Alec needed to do, just follow his parents plan, he had strayed from it and that is what had lead to this. Maybe his parents were right, maybe they did know best. Over the last week Alec had let his walls down more then ever and it had just lead him to pain and anguish.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alec wake from a nightmare and has a panic attack, tries to calm himself but is unable to. Finally is unable to cope and self harms (this isn't explicit but there is mention of blood) This is quite lengthy lasting about 1,000 words.


	11. Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is later than promised, I've had such a busy week! Once again thank your for all your comments, I really love hearing what you guys think, so feel free to leave a comment!
> 
> Might want to grab a cup of tea or coffee for this chapter as it is veryyy long!-A♥
> 
> *TW*  
> See end of notes for details (contains spoilers)

_Maybe his parents were right, maybe they did know best. Over the last week Alec had let his walls down more then ever and it had just lead him to pain and anguish._

Alec laid in his bed looking up the celling, his arm stinging next to him. He had made a decision, he had spent the last fifteen trying to think about what to do, how to move forward. He was going to start fresh, he needed a new plan. He couldn't keep going on like this, it was only causing him pain. He had let his walls down and he regretted it, it did nothing good. Alec had been thinking about what to do. 

He was going to put his walls up, higher and more stable than before. He should of known that letting them down was a bad idea, he should of known it would lead to this. This was the new plan; walls up, work hard and get out of Uni. That was it. He wasn't going to let his mind wonder like before, wasn't going to get distracted. Alec rolled over in his bed, letting his feet hang over the edge. He always felt like this after...like he needed to do something to keep his mind occupied. He stood up and walked around the room in no particular direction. He felt another sting in his arm, Alec looked down at his bandage wrist, a small spot of blood had seeped through the bandage. Alec cursed, he use to be more careful, never cutting to deep however in Alec's panic and fear he didn't think. He needed to redo the bandage, do his usual routine he use to do. He walked over to the the closed bathroom door. He reached out and pushed open the door. The bathroom looked worse then he remembered, there was glass littered everywhere, his eyes found a partially large piece that had dried blood across it. The medical bag was laying on the floor, Alec took a large breath and stepped into the bathroom the sound of glass crushing under his black boots. He knelt down and grabbed the roll of bandage putting it onto the top, he grabbed some antiseptic cream and tape. He closed the bag and put it back into the cupboard. He stood up and looked down at the medical equipment, a sense of Déjà vu washed over him. He remember standing in there old bathroom back in Washington looking down at the same equipment. He pushed the thought aside and got to work.

He started to undone the bandage, he turned his head to the side not wanting to see. He pulled the bandage off free the wounds. Alec reached out and tried to find the tap, fumbling to turn it on. The water started to flow from the tap. Keeping his head to the side Alec grimaced as he stuck his wrist under the cold water. Alec gripped the edge of the sink with his other hand with a death like grip, his knuckles going white. Alec looked up at the celling screwing his eyes shut in pain. He pulled his wrist out of the water and grabbed a towel off the rack pressing it to his arm to dry it. Alec cursed as he applied the pressure. He pulled back the towel throwing it to the floor still not looking at his arm. He reached out and grabbed the cream taking the top off. He grabbed the tube and held it over the wound. He squeezed it onto his wound. His whole arm stung in agony, Alec tried to push the pain away as he rubbed the cream in. Alec finished doing the cream throwing it to the side. He grabbed the bandage wrapping his wrist tightly, Alec was about to wrap it when the roll ran out. Alec grabbed the tap securing it down. He knelt down and opened the cupboard pulling out the medical kit again. He open it and grabbed the other roll of bandage throwing it from the bathroom onto his bed. He looked down at the counter grabbing the tap and cream also throwing them onto his bed. He turned around and looked at the mess on the floor.

He walked out into the main room grabbing the dustpan and brush. He walked back into the bathroom kneeling down by the glass. He spent about ten minutes sweeping all the glass into the pan poring it into the bin. As Alec was standing up he noticed the bloodstained towel on the floor. He snatched it up and put it in the bin as well walking out closing the door behind him. Alec went over to his desk and sat down. This was it, his new fresh start. He opened up his computer and continued with his notes.

**********

Alec heard a beeping noise next to him. He groaned as he pulled himself up from his desk, he looked around and spotted his phone on the bed. He pulled himself out of his chair and grabbed the phone, 7:30am. His alarm was ringing telling to to get ready for class, Alec sighed and turned it off, throwing it back onto the bed. He reached up and rubbed his heavy eyes. Alec wasn't sure what time he finally passed out but he would of guessed it was around 5am, almost finishing another chapter of the text book. Alec walked over to his cupboard and grabbed some black jeans with tears in them and a plain navy t-shirt, he grabbing his black bomebr jacket putting it on top. Alec put his notes back into his bag. He heard his phone beeping on the bed, he walked over and picked it up. 

_7:50: Won't be back tonight._

Alec could tell from the text that Jace was pissed off, no funny joke, no sarcasm, nothing, but it didn't matter to Alec. He didn't need Jace, he was fine alone. Alec deleted the message and shoved the phone into his jean pocket. He was done messing around, done playing games. He was going to focus on his school work, getting his degree and nothing else. Alec walked out of the dorm and down the stairs into the fresh air. As Alec walked down the street he thought about his new plan, he decided the first step was to sign up for some extra curricular activities, his dad had mentioned how important they were for getting jobs. Maybe he could ask Mr Starkweather for some suggestions. Alec walked onto campus, through the double doors, he had some spare time so he went to grab a coffee, he walked around the corner to the coffee hut and found it was packet with students trying to get a hit of caffeine before morning class. Alec stopped walking, he looked around at all the students pushing past each other and suddenly found he was no longer thirsty. He turned around and walked towards the class, Alec squeezed his eyes shut, he could feel tiredness weighing on his shoulders. He pushed it to the side and walked into the class. Only a few students were there as Alec was early. He walked up the steps and noticed that Samantha was sat in her usual seat, she looked up from the table and gave Alec a smile. He got to the top and sat down next to her. Alec's eyes quickly dashed over to his old seat finding it empty, the seat in front was also empty. Alec pulled his eyes away and looked down to his notes.

He looked through his notebook, he was a good amount of chapters ahead. He looked over at the Samantha. "Hey, do you know any good extra curricular classes?" Although Alec couldn't remember much from the party he could remember Samantha mentioning going to to a lot of extra clubs and classes.

She turned around to face Alec, clearly surprised at the question. She bit her lip and tapped her pencil on the table. "Well theres the law society but its pretty boring to be honest, I was in it for like a week" Alec remembered his dad talking about it, talking about how he was the president of the club when he was at Harvard. That would be a good one to join. "It best to find ones your interested in rather than what looks good on a job form." 'Life isn't about what you want to do, it's about what must be done' He remembered his father saying this once and had pushed it away. Maybe it was time to do what must be done. 

Alec turned his around to look at the class, it was almost full now, the lesson was about to start. He was about to put his head down when he heard the door open again loudly. He raised his head and saw Magnus walking into the room. He was wearing a black jeans and a black shirt with gold buttons, on top he was wearing a casual burgundy suit jacket embroidered with golden lines. Alec watched as Magnus walked up the stairs, he was staring down at his phone typing away. He reached his seat, he looked at the empty seat behind him. He cast a glance over his shoulder, catching Alec's eye. Alec quickly looked back down at his notes. He waited a few seconds before glancing over. Magnus was pulling books out of his bag placing them on the table, he ran a hand through his dark hair a few pieces falling in front of his eyes. Even from the side Alec could see the bright colours of Magnus's eyes, the light always seeming to catch them. 

"Morning class!" Alec jumped in his seat, he winched as he jolted his injured arm. Mr Starkweather walked into the class placing a briefcase on the table. He looked up at the class crossing his arms over his chest. "Today were going to be doing something different, paired worked!" Alec's eyes subconsciously darted over to Magnus, apparently Magnus had done the same as the pair's eyes connected. " _Life isn't about what you want to do, it's about what must be done"_   He pulled his eyes away and looked back to the teacher. He opened his brief case and pulled out some papers. "I'm going to show you some facts of a case and your going to spend the lesson preparing a defence in your pairs, then your homework if going to be to write up a report of your defence! Get to work!" He gave a large clap, a murmur settled over the class people moving around to find pairs.

"Wanna work together?" He turned his head, Samantha was looking at Alec a friendly smile on her face.

Alec sighed, he glanced back over his shoulder to find that Magnus had disappeared. He turned back round to face her. "Yeah th-that sounds great" He sounded less than excited but nonetheless he forced a smile. 

**********

Alec placed all his notes from the lesson into his bag placing it over his shoulder. Him and Samantha had prepared a whole defences for the case, even having a back up option. Alec walked down that stair with her, she was talking about other possible defences they could use. She was clearly a very clever person, knowing all the cases and facts, she was passionate about the law, it clearly being close to home. They walked out of the hall down the hallway. Alec was about to turn left when she spoke up.

"Want to go grab a drink or something, I've got no more lessons for the day?" She give Alec a warm smile, her blond hair falling around her. Alec was caught up with all his notes, he could go for a drink right? His mother wanted him to meet someone? Alec looked at her, she was nice, kind, smart. What his dad would call the 'perfect girl' Alec was about to say something when he was Magnus walked past. He walked with a grace that Alec hadn't noticed before, he was carrying two cups of coffee in his hand, his hands covered in shinning Jewellery. 

"Alec?" Magnus vanished around the corner, he looked back towards Samantha who was still smiling at him. 

"Umm, I've-I've got loads of other work to do I should probably get back" He gave her a smile and turned around walking off. He squeezed his eyes shut. It was true, Alec had the report to get done and more chapters to write, he didn't have time for drinks; thats the reason he told himself whether it was true Alec didn't think about. He walked down the hall and up the stairs into the main library. He pushed open the oak doors and found a empty table getting his notes out ready to write his report. He looked up to check the time and couldn't believe his eyes. Magnus was walking into the library with a brown haired girl, both carrying a coffee, he didn't see Alec as he walked past and sat in a booth with the girl. Alec closed his eyes sighing. Why couldn't he escape him? It was as if every time Alec turned around he was there, Alec needed to start fresh but Magnus was making it incredibly hard to. Every time he saw him his mind went back to that day with Izzy and Magnus, Alec had never felt more content than when he was with them, finally having that feeling of safety. Alec remembered how gentle and patient Magnus was when he freaked out at the party, cleaning his wound and allowing him to crash at his place. He was so patient with Alec when most people would of just given up, he made Alec feel safe, something he truly missed. Alec moved his arm and a fresh pain was sent up his arm, almost like a reminder; this is what happens when you let your guard down. He pushed the memories of Magnus away and looked back down at his notes trying to concentrate, finding it harder than usual. He dropped his pencil and ran his hand through his hair. Why was this so difficult? Why couldn't he just forget about Magnus, pretend that he never met him, why did it seem like Magnus was impossible to forget. Alec decided he wasn't going to get any work done while Magnus was around, he re packed his books and stood up, leaving the library. 

**********

"So he hasn't spoken to you since then?" Magnus and Tessa walked down the hall towards the library. Magnus hadn't seen Tessa for a while on the count he was dealing with Alec. He had called her the night before and asked if she wanted to get coffee. Magnus needed advice, he felt so conflicted and confused.

"Nope" Magnus shook his head. "I tried to ring him yesterday but he was just so freaked out, he hung up and we haven't spoken since" Magnus felt a twinge of pain in his chest as he thought back at Alec's words from yesterday _'You are whats wrong Magnus! You started this, all of this is your fault so just back off okay!'_ Was this his fault? Did he push Alec? Magnus wrapped his hand around the warm coffee taking a sip, trying to calm himself.

Tessa turned around to face Magnus "Why don't you try to talk to him again-"

Magnus held up his hand to stop her, "You didn't see his face Tess, he was..." Magnus paused, trying to find the right words to describe Alec's face after they kissed, Magnus wasn't sure there was a word to describe his look so he opted to go for a simple one "...terrified"

"Whats he scared of?" Tessa asked as they walked into the large library.

Although Alec hadn't explicitly said it, Magnus could guess why Alec was so terrified after the kiss "From what I've gathered his family is super strict."

Tessa gave a sad sigh. "In other words there homophobic assholes?" 

He looked over to her as they approached there table, taking a seat. "I'm guessing" Magnus sighed. He sat down and pulled out his notes from the lesson, setting his coffee on the table. "The way he talks about his dad...I don't think they get along" Magnus hadn't heard much about the man but from what he had, it didn't sound like he was the nicest dad in the world.

Tessa shook her head as she opened her text book."Poor kid" Magnus was looking down at his textbook. He really wanted to go find Alexander, go talk to him. He had been on edge ever since the night of the party wanting to talk to Alec about so many things but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. He didn't want to hurt the boy anymore than he already was. Although he felt like he knew Alec quite well now he knew there was so much he didn't know. Alec liked to keep his walls up high, his mistrust of people also very high. He thought back to Isabelle's comment when they were out  _'Please don't give him a reason to distrust people more than he already does.'_  Magnus still wondered what made Alec so distrusting of people. He had guessed it was something to do with his issue with blood, something else he didn't know. "Is there something else Magnus?"

He looked around to see Tessa looking at him with worry, he brown hair falling into her eyes. "What do you mean?" He replied.

"You look like your thinking about something?"

Magnus looked away from Tessa and down at his hands, he twisted the large silver ring on his finger "Its just...part of me feels like I should just go over and force him to talk about this, we can talk about what happened and where were going to go I mean talking always helps right? But then theres another part telling me no to push him and let him figure all this out by himself and when he's ready so will I but then theres a finale part saying that I should just forget about him all together and just move on" Magnus took a large breath at the end of his rant. He looked over at Tessa who was staring at him with raised eyebrows.

"Wow..." Tessa exclaimed 

Magnus sighed and brought his hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Sorry, its...ugh I don't know" Magnus dramatically threw his hand up into the air.

Tessa gave a small laugh. "He's really got under your skin hasn't he?" He had. Magnus cursed himself, it was never meant to be like this, he just wanted to go sit by the cute guy in the coffee shop and flirt. He never imagined that he would be this caught up in Alec's life. Tessa reached out and placed her hand on top of Magnus giving it a small squeeze. "Look if its meant to work it will work"

Magnus gave her a unimpressed glare. "Okay this isn't a romcom Tessa, this is real life, it doesn't work like that" Magus rolled his eyes and pulled his hand away to take a sip of his drink.

Tessa pulled her hands back and crossed her arms on the table, resting her chin on them. "Why don't you just give him some space, a day or so to collect his thoughts then go talk to him?"

Magnus thought about it, maybe she was right. Every fiber of Magnus wanted to go talk to Alec, tell him it was going to be okay but he didn't want to push him away further, why did this have to be so confusing. Magnus dramatically threw his head up in the air, facing the celling. "Why did I have to go over and sit by him at the cafe" Magnus thought back to that first day. He had walked into the cafe wanting to get a coffee and then go back to his apartment to relax. He remembered looking around the quite cafe when his eye was caught by a gorgeous boy; around 6ft, raven black hair and electric blue eyes. Magnus was so distracted by the boy he didn't even hear the woman at the counter talking to him.

Tessa gave a over the top sigh "Because it was you're destiny..." She whispered in a dreamy tone, clearly referring to Magnus's earlier comment it being a romcom.

Magnus downed the rest of his coffee and gave a small smile. "Okay you're destiny is to stop talking" Tessa gave a laugh. Magnus looked down at his note book. He'd give Alec a day. A day to think about everything and decide what he wanted to do then Magnus would talk to him. He could wait a day, right?

**********

Alec walked up the stairs to the apartment, he hoped that Jace was at Clary's still so he didn't have to deal with him. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his keys. As he rounded the corner he noticed someone in front of the front door. Alec looked up to see Jace leaning against the wall opposite the door. 

Crap. Alec really wasn't in the mood to argue with Jace. He considered just turning around and leaving but before he could make that choice Jace shifted on his feet and turned around to see Alec.

He gave a small smile and and shifted on his feet, crossing his arms over his chest. "Hey" There was no anger in Jace's voice.

Alec took a large breath before walking forward, fidgeting with the keys in his hand "Alright"

Jace pushed himself off the wall and dropped his arms to his side "Yeah, I...I kinda forgot my keys last night so..." Alec gave Jace a small nod and walked towards the door, unlocking it. Jace followed Alec into the room. He dumped his bag on the bed and walked over to his desk pulling his chair out.

"I thought you were staying at Clary's tonight" Alec replied in a monotone voice. He was looking forward to having the apartment to himself and no dealing with Jace. Just concentrate on school that was the plan.

Jace walked over to his desk and sat down on the chair. "Yeah I was...but I decided to come back here, is that alright?" Still no anger in his voice.

"Its your apartment as well" Alec coldly replied. Jace gave a little nod. He shifted awkwardly on his chair before standing up and walking over to Alec's bed sitting on the edge of it, his hands folded in his lap. 

Alec muttered over his shoulder "Did you want something" Not bothering to turn around to look at Jace.

Jace thought about how to address the conversation, not wanting to provoke a clearly still pissed of Alec. He took his hands from his lap and ran them through his hair, bringing them down to grip the edge of the bed. "Um yeah, listen..." He thought about how to start. He should of thought about this before coming back to the apartment. 

"What?" Alec snapped. He had a ton of work today and he had come back to the apartment to get away from distraction.

Jace took a large breath. "Like you said I went to Clary's last night after...Simon was there, the kid from Clary's party?" Alec gave Jace a confused look, raising his eyebrows. "Yeah well I mentioned that we had some, stupid fight..." Jace thought back to the night before.

** The Night Before **

_ Jace was led out on Clary's bed, Clary was stood in the middle of her room paining a picture on her easel. "So I just grabbed my coat and stormed out, he was being such a ass." Jace scorned. _

_ Clary turned around to face her boyfriend, giving him a sweet smile. "I'm sure it will be fine Jace, it was just a stupid argument, friends argue" She placed her paint brush down and walked over to the bed, sitting next to him. _

_ Simon pushed up self of the sofa he was sitting on. "I still can't believe you're friends with Alec Lightwood, son of Robert Lightwood I mean its just crazy, you guys seriously need to look up his last case, it was unreal." Simon rambled, walking over to the table grabbing his phone. _

_ "Yeah well according to Alec I'm just 'a guy he shares a room with' so.." Jace gave a large sigh and crossed his arms over his chest _

_ Clary rested her head on Jace's shoulder looking up at him. "He was angry Jace" _

_ _ "He was a dick thats what he was" Jace muttered. He had tried to hard to be friends with Alec but he just made it impossible, he was so closed off and difficult, Jace didn't have the time for it.  _ _

_ Simon sat back down on the sofa, looking down at his phone. "His dad once convinced a jury that a man was innocent even though his DNA was at the scene and there was two, yes two eyewitness!" _

_"Would you knock it off Simon!" Jace yelled, he wasn't in the mood to hear about Alec and his family._

_"I'm just saying! His dad is amazing" Simon emphasised, pushing his glasses towards his eyes._

_"He seemed like kinda an ass to me"_

_Simon looked up from his phone straight at Jace, a look of shock. "Wait, you met him?!"_

_"Yeah he came by the apartment the other week" Jace thought back to his encounter with Alec's dad, the guy was super strict and to be_ _honest seemed like an ass, and form Alec's reaction, he agreed._

_ Simon gave a sad smile and nodded his head. "Well I mean it must be a hard month for them" _

_ Jace titled his head to the side, furrowing his eyebrows. "What?" _

_ "For Alec and his family?" Simon replied, a hint of sadness in his voice. _

_ Jace pushed himself off the bed, his arms still crossed over his chest. He started to walk over to Simon. "Why would September be a hard month for him?" _

_ Simon put his phone down next to him, looking up at Jace who was now stood in front of him. "You don't know?" Genuine surprises in his voice.  _

_ Jace gave a huff. "Okay can you stop being cryptic and tell me what you mean?" He snapped. _

_ "His brother" Simon said, his voice quite and filled with a sense of sadness. _

_ Jace let his arms fall to his side, his face relaxing. "Wait you know about his brother?" _

_ "What about Alec's brother?" Clary spoke from the bed. _

_ "He died" Both simon and Jace said at the same time, both there voices quite. _

_ "Oh my god, how?" Clary gasped, pulling her knees to her chest. _

_ "I don't know he didn't say..." Jace replied, he looked back round to Simon who was looking down at the floor, an odd look on his face."Wait do you know how?" _

_ Simon paused before speaking. "Yeah-" _

_ "How do you know?" Jace replied. When he and Alec had spoken about his brother Alec was very closed off, clearly not wanting to discuss the matter. Jace couldn't imagine Alec telling Simon this information. Simon didn't say anything, he stood up from the sofa and walked over to Clary's laptop. "What are you doi-" _

_ "Just wait" Simon called back. He typed something into the computer and after a few minutes he moved away from the screen promoting Jace to walk over. He walked over the laptop and looked at the screen... _

** Present  **

"Jace?" Alec spoke.

"Hu?" Jace snapped back from his memory, looking at Alec who was now facing him in his desk chair.

"You stopped talking?" Alec replied, he arm resting on the back of the chair. He just wanted Jace to finish his story so he could carry on with his work.

Jace took a large breath, determined to finish his point. "Oh yeah...he started rambling on about your dad-"

Alec cut in, not wanting to hear anything about how 'amazing' his dad was. "Okay why are you telling me this story Jace?"

Jace shifted again, sighing heavily. He looked back up to Alec. "I know what happened to Max-"

Alec rushed up from his chair, shaking his head. He could not think about Max after his dream last night, unsure he would be able to cope. "Stop!-" He yelled.

"Alec just listen" Jace moved form the bed to follow Alec.

Alec had his back to Jace, he squeezed his eyes closed, he could feel his wrist starting to sting, unsure if it was from the sudden movement or something else. He walked towards the apartment door unsure what his plan was. "No, no shut up Jace!" He cried, his voice now filled with emotion.

Jace ran passed Alec and stood in front of the door blocking him from leaving, he held his hands out in front of him. "I'm not trying to upset you Alec, I'm trying to apologies-"

"Apologies?" Alec snapped. Alec had not planned for this, he just wanted to do his work and forget about yesterday, forget about Jace and Magnus, part of him wanting to forget about Max. A wave of guilt came over him at that thought.

"I shouldn't of pushed you to talk about what was wrong yesterday, it wasn't my place and I'm sorry." His voice was firm but soft, no anger or bitterness. He took a step forward towards Alec. "September must be difficult for you and I don't know if yesterday was about that or something else-"

"Jace please." Alec's voice was quite, sadness and guilt ever present in. 

"It wasn't your fault Alec" Alec shock his head, turning away from Jace, part of him contemplated going into the bathroom and locking the door just wanting to escape the conversation. He decided that it probably wasn't a good idea to go back into the bathroom, he opted to go back over to his desk chair and sit down his back to Jace. Jace continued to speak behind him. "I read what happened, you did everything you could to save him-"

"But I didn't." Alec snapped. He could feel emotion building in is chest. He had had so many people tell him it wasn't his fault, he did everything he could, and no matter how many times he heard it...he never believed it.

"But that wasn't your fault Alec, the bastard that fired the gun is to blame, not you!" Jace sounded so sure and confident in what he was saying Alec wanted to believe him, he really did. Alec kept facing towards his laptop. He heard Jace sit down sit on the bed behind him. "Alec, I stand by what I said, this course, you hate it."

Alec turned around to face Jace, trying to insert as much confidents in his voice as he could. "Thats not true-"

"Yes it is Alec, and I might be over stepping my mark but I have a feeling the only reason you are doing this course is for you parents?" Alec looked down at the floor, not wanting to give anything away in his eyes. Jace was right. Alec hated this course, he hated the thought of defending people that didn't deserve defending, didn't deserve freedom. He hated the thought of looking at evidence everyday but mostly he hated the thought of becoming like is father; cold and distant. A horrid thought crossed Alec's mind, the way he had acted towards Magnus today, the way he spoke to Jace earlier; it was like is father. He looked up from the floor to see Jace looking at him. 

"You shouldn't have to do a course you hate just to please them" He did. He had to make it up to his parents, if he had just listened that night, Max would still be here. Jace gave a large sigh and folded his hands in his lap. "Look, I'm sorry about the fight, I-I didn't mean what I said, about being friends with you is like pulling teeth, I mean you don't make it easy but...whats that saying?The best things in life are never easy." Despite the situation Alec gave a little laugh. Jace always seemed to do that. "Anyway, I've got class in about...oh shit now so I should get going, I'll see you later?" He gave Alec a hopeful smile.

Alec looked at Jace before returning the small smile. "Remember your keys" He called as Jace walked towards the door. Jace gave a small laugh before grabbing his keys and leaving the room.

Alec didn't move from his chair, bringing his hand up to rub his eyes. Alec didn't think he could get more confused than he was last night but somehow he was. Alec's whole idea about 'his new fresh start' was in tatters. He had tried to keep his walls up high but only after a day they had been pulled down again. He leaned back in his chair looking up at the celling. He desperately just wanted to pull his walls up again but Alec had began to realise that that was easier said than done. He had let his walls down and had discovered it was hard to put them back up. He didn't want to give up his friendship with Jace, he didn't want to be cold and detached. Alec was more confused than ever and he honestly didn't know what to do. Not wanting to be alone with his thoughts, Alec grabbed his keys and left the room.

**********

Alec shifted in the lift, pacing from one side to the other. His hand was wrapped around his wrist, rubbing it. The cold air causing it to sting. The doors opened and Alec walked out of the lift down the hall. He came to the door he wanted and knocked. He shifted on his feet. Alec hadn't really thought about what he was going to say he just needed to talk to someone. Alec was about to knock again when the door open. Izzy was stood there in a pair of comfy joggers and a grey crop top, her long hair pulled up into a loose bun. "Alec?" She spoke.

"Hey, can I come in?" Alec said, not waiting for her answer before walking into the room.

"Oh course, yea-yeah come in?" Izzy spoke behind him before closing the door. She turned around to see Alec had seated himself on the sofa, running a hand through his hair. "Everything okay Alec?"

Alec looked up at Izzy as she walked towards him, he honestly didn't know how to answer that question, part of him just told him to say yes, to just pretend he was fine like he always did. "Wheres mom and dad?" Alec asked, not answering her question.

"Oh they went out to grab some food, I decided to stay here and do some work" Izzy replied, pointing to her work on the large glass table.

Alec pushed himself off the table, his hand still wrapped around is wrist. "Oh I...I didn't mean to disturb you"

Izzy shock her head. "You're not Alec" She gave him a small smile. Izzy watched as Alec sat back down on the sofa, his foot bouncing up and down. He was clearly nervous or upset about something. "So hows Magnus?" Izzy cheerfully asked. Alec gave her a odd look.

"What?" He questioned.

She sat down net to him. "Magnus how is-"

Alec leaped off the sofa turing around to face Izzy, his face screwed up in anger. "Why would I know, were just friends Izzy god!" He yelled. He could feel his chest rising and falling fast.

Izzy slowly stood from the sofa. Her face was shocked, Alec never snapped at her. "Whoa I was just asking..." Something must be seriously wrong to cause Alec to yell at Izzy. She took another look at her brother. He looked pale and tired, like his mind had been working none stop. As her eyes trailed down his body they stopped at his wrist. He had his right hand wrapped around it protectively, she had seen Alec do this before. Dread and worry began to stir in Izzy.

"What?!" Alec snapped, clearly referring to his sisters worried glance.

"Roll up your sleeves" She firmly suggested.

Alec could feel the colour ripped from his face, his angry glance gone. He did move or say anything.

"Your sleeves...roll them up." She repeated. There was more emotion in her voice this time, Alec could see her eyes becoming glassy.

"Why?" He replied, his voice was quite.

"Just, just do it" She choked, her lower lip trembling.  

Alec started at his sister, then back down at his wrist. "No" His voice was firm but a hint of panic seeped through.

With that Izzy's face feel, she let out a pained sigh escape her mouth. "Oh Alec-"

Alec quickly squeezed his eyes together and shock his head. "This was a huge mistake-" He started to walk towards the door.

Before Izzy could say anything the front door opened. Both the children froze as the door was opened and Robert and Maryse stepped inside.

"Oh Alexander, I didn't know you were stopping by" Maryse said as she closed the door behind her, Robert stood next to her.

"I was just leaving-" Alec said looking down at the floor.

Izzy ran towards Alec, grabbing his right arm. "No wait Alec please talk to me" She whispered.

"Theres nothing to talk about" He snapped, apparently louder than he thought as Robert spoke up.

"Whats going on?" There was no concern his his voice, just curiosity. 

Alec pulled his arm from Izzy and headed for the door. "Nothing everything is fine!"

Izzy tried to reach him again but missed. "Please let me help Alec-" She cried, tears now escaping down her face.

"Alec wait" Maryse called.

As Alec was about to leave a hand wrapped tightly around his left wrist, Alec yelped and ripped his hand from his fathers grip cradling it to his chest.

"What is it Alexander? Are you okay?" Maryse ran over to Alec and cupped his face, concern and love in her eyes. Alec tried to free himself from his mothers grip.

Izzy walked over to Alec, shaking her head "Tell her Alec, she can help, please" Izzy was pleading with Alec, more tears rolling down her cheeks, coming here had been a huge mistake.

Alec looked at his sister and knew there was no way out. He could feel his own eyes becoming glassy. He opened his mouth but nothing came out, finally the words fell from his lips. "It was just a slip up I swear it wont happen again ju-just let it go Izzy" He was now pleading with her. He felt Maryse finally release her grip, she was looking at him confused, clearly not understanding what was happening.   

Alec heard his father sigh, he looked passed Izzy to see him stood with his arms crossed over his chest, an unimpressed look on his face "I thought you grew out of this Alexander" He scolded. 

"What?" He heard Izzy cry.

"This.." He held up his hand, the tips were smeared with a small amount of blood. Alec looked down at his wrist, a small amount of blood had seeped through his jumper. "I thought you were done with it"

Before Alec could say anything Izzy stepped towards her father. "You knew?" Anger clearly present in her voice.

"It was kinda obvious, plus I overheard you and Alec talking about it, I thought you would grow out of it but clearly not"

Alec suddenly felt someone carefully grip his wrist, he gave no fight, to shock at his fathers words to do anything. "Oh Alexander what have you done?" He heard his mother cry.

"So you've known this whole time and you didn't say anything?!" Izzy screamed, her emotions getting the better of her.

"I didn't want to indulge him in this obvious attempt at attention!" Robert yelled back.

"How dare you!" "ROBERT!" Both Izzy and Maryse screamed at the same time.

Alec couldn't believe what he was hearing, he stepped away from Maryse and closer to his father. "You...You think I did this for attention?" His voice was weak, slightly breaking at the end.

"Why else would you do something so ridiculous?" Robert snapped.

Alec shook his head, giving a bitter laugh. "I dunno...may-maybe because I watched my little brother die?"

Robert paused before taking a step closer to Alec, his voice harsh, "And who's fault was that?" 

"Robert stop this now!!" Maryse yelled as she marched over to Robert.

"No, no don't! You wanna say something dad, go ahead?!" Alec yelled, his emotions taking over.

Robert stepped away from Maryse, pointing his finger towards Alec. "We told you to stay in. We told you to watch him so what do you do? You take him into an alley in the dark!!" Much like everyone else Roberts emotions were starting to get the better of him.

"Dad stop it!" Izzy screamed stepping between the two.

Robert pushed passed Izzy, crossing his arms over his chest. "No he wants to talk about it lets talk about it?!" There was anger in his fathers eyes, but also something Alec hadn't seen in a while, sadness. "What part of you thought it was a good idea huh? Why didn't you just listen to us? WHY?!" He screamed

"I don't know!" Alec screamed back, taking a step away from his father. "I wish I could take it back but I can't" It was true, Alec couldn't count the amount of times he had laid in bed and wished he had never gone out that night, taken a different route, wished it was him. "I was just wanted to go out, I wanted to see my friend-" He cried.

"-Alec lets just go" Izzy whispered as she tried to pull Alec towards the door, desperate to get her brother out of this situation.

"You need to get a hold of yourself Alec" Robert roared "No one wants a broken lawyer" He half whispered.

Alec spun around to face his father again. "Good!" He spat back. Robert was about to say something but Alec continued, stepping closer to his father. "I don't want to be a lawyer, I never have and I never will!"

Robert just shook his head. "Now you're just being ridiculous-"

"No, no i'm not! The only reason I took this course was to please you, but thats never going to happen is it? Nothing I ever do will be good enough!" Alec felt himself breaking, everything he wanted to say to his father pouring out. Angry tears had began to build in his eyes but Alec pushed them back determined to not show his father any weakness.

"Alec-" Izzy cried, trying to pull Alec's arm.

"So I guess I might as well also tell you that I don't want to get married either-"

With that Izzy started to pull hards arm harder, sensing where Alec was going with this and knowing how it would end. "Alec stop this-" Alec could hear the pain and fear in his sister voice but he continued, he was in to deep now.

"No, no let him talk Izzy, you don't want to get married?" His father mocked, Alec felt the wrath build in his chest, he ripped his arm from Izzy and squared up to his father. 

"Nope, not to a girl away way because I'm gay-" As soon as the words left Alec's mouth his father seized his shoulders and shoved him into the wall behind him, Alec collided with it with force.

"ROBERT LET HIM GO!" Maryse cried, rushing to her husband trying to pull him off but unable to.

Roberts hand was wrapped tightly around Alec's shoulder preventing him from moving. He was looking Alec dead in the eye. "Never say that again" His voice was cold and growling. He spoke slowly telling Alec he meant it.

"DAD!" Izzy cried rushing towards Alec. "STOP IT" She shriek, as she tired to pull Robert off her brother. Robert released his grip from Alec, staggering back. Silence feel the room, only the noise of breathing broke it.

Alec felt as a tear fell onto his check, rolling down before falling onto the floor. "I hate you" He croaked, his father looked at him, clearly not expecting that. Shakily Alec pushed himself from the wall and dashed out of the apartment. 

"ALEC!" Izzy called after Alec, running after him. 

Alec took off down the corridor and into the lift, slamming the 'close door' button a thousand times. He could see Izzy running towards the closing doors, before she could get in however they slammed shut. There was silence in the lift. Alec was breathing hard, his chest stinging. What had he just done? Alec couldn't even think about that he had just done without feeling sick. The doors opened on the ground floor and Alec rushed out, hoping Izzy would not catch him.

He pushed open the large golden doors into the cold street, Alec stumbled out and called out for a taxi wanting to leave as quickly as he could, to his surprise one pulled up to the side. He dashed for it and flung open the door getting into the backseat. 

"Where to?" The man called back towards Alec.

Alec could barley hear, his head was ringing.

"Kid where to?" The man looked over his shoulder to see Alec, his head lowered in his hands. "Hey, kid? You okay?"

Alec looked up at the driver, Alec didn't have to say anything for the driver to understand. He gave Alec a concerned look before twisting around to face Alec better.

"Do you want me to call someone for you?" The man quietly asked.

"No, no ju-just" Alec quietly cried, he didn't know what to say. Jace was back at the apartment so he could go back there. "Just drive" Alec offered. The driver gave him an unsure look before pulling off the curb down the road. 

"Anywhere in particular?" The man called back.

"No, just, just drive" Alec quietly replied. Alec leaned his head back against the seat, he had no idea what he was to do now. Alec felt his phone buzzing in his pocket, he pulled it out to see Izzy's name across the screen, he wrapped his hand around the phone and shoved it back into his pocket. Alec suddenly felt a wave of nausea hit Alec. "Stop the car!" He cried. The taxi came to a sudden stop, Alec flung open the door and stumbled out, he grabbed onto a lamp post to keep himself stable. His legs started to shake as Ale gripped the poll with everything he had. When the wave passed Alec carefully realised his tight grip on the lamp post. He heard the door open.

"You sure you don't-" Before the driver could finish Alec interrupted.

"I'm fine" He shakily replied, Alec dug his hand into his pocket and pulled out some money, holding it behind him to the driver. He felt the driver take the money and heard the taxi door close again.

Alec felt his phone buzz again and shook his head. He looked up at the dark sky and thought about what he was going to do. As he brought his head down he noticed something. A building not to far away that he recognised. Without another thought Alec took off towards the building.

**********

Magnus was stood in his kitchen pouring himself a coffee, he had a crap load of work to get done, plus his report for Mr Starkweather. He looked over at his phone on the table. Magnus had been spending the majority of the day stopping himself from calling Alec. Give him some time Magnus thought, though that was easier said than done. Magnus walked back into the living room when he heard his buzzer go. He gave a small thrown not expecting anyone. He walked over and spoke into the speaker. "Hello?" There was no answer, Magnus titled his head "Anybody there-"

"Its Alec" Magnus felt a jolt run thought his body.

"Alec! I'll buzz you up" So excited to hear from the boy Magnus all but missed his broken voice. After a short while there was a knock on the door, Magnus quickly ran a hand through his hair before pulling open the door. The smile instantly left is face when he saw Alec. The boy looked broken. His face was ghostly white, his electric eyes dulled and surrounded by a red. Tear tracks led down the boys face.

"Alec" Magnus breathed stepping closer to the boy. Alec walked passed Magnus into the apartment, his arms wrapped around his stomach. Magnus carefully watched as Alec stood in the middle of them room.

"I-I did't know where else to go" He quietly admitted, his voice hollow.

"Whats wrong" Magnus asked, not stepping closer to Alec, not wanting to frighten him.

Alec looked over at Magnus, Magnus was still stood by his door, his face wrecked with concern and worry. Alec felt something inside him snap.

"I screwed up" With that a sob escaped Alec's mouth, the tears he had tried to desperately to hold in tumbling over the edge.

"Hey, hey its okay" He heard Magnus sooth as the boy he walked towards him.

"No, no, no, no its not, I ruined it" Alec cried, stepping further away from Magnus, his knees crashing to the edge of the sofa.

"Hey Alec, relax just talk to me" Magnus voice was so soft and gentle, he walked towards Alec slowly.

"I ruined everything, I pushed Jace away and th-then I ignored you all day and said all of this was your fault" Alec sobbed. Before Magnus could continue Alec carried on. "Its mine, all of this, everything thats happened is my-" Alec sobbed again, Magnus rushed towards Alec, his hands carefully cupping the fragile boys cheek.

"None of this is your fault Alec, you've done nothing wrong" Magnus soothed, pushing away Alec's tears.

Alec looked up at Magnus, though blurry eyes he could see Magnus carefully studying the boy, he felt as Magnus's thumb brushed Alec's tears away, letting them fall to the floor. Alec didn't deserve Magnus kindness.

Another sob escaped his lips "I-I killed him" Alec sobbed with a rawness, unable to catch his breath as his thick eyelashes caught his falling tears. Magnus did not let go of Alec's face, giving him a concerned look. "I killed my brother" Alec wailed, his whole body shaking as he sobbed. 

Magnus did not say anything, instead he moved his hands from Alec's cheeks and reached down to grabbed his hand leading him to the sofa, Alec didn't fight but followed Magnus as more sobs escaped his mouth. Magnus sat down on the leather sofa, carefully pulling Alec down to sit next to him, Magnus kept a hold of Alec's hand as he spoke. "Alec, you didn't kill your brother"

Alec looked down at the pairs intwined hands. "Ho-how do you know you-"

Magnus used his other hand to reach out and tilt Alec's hand up so he was looking at Magnus. "Because I know you, because I've seen the way you are with your sister. Whatever happened to you brother I can assure you, it was not your fault."

Alec felt a tear roll down his cheek dropping onto Magnus thumb, he sucked in a large breath, "Then why do they hate me" He whimpered.

"Who?" Magnus inquired, bringing his hand down.

"My parents-" Alec replied

Magnus shook his head, squeezing Alec's hand tighter "-Alec they don't-"

"-I told them." Alec replied, his voice just barley above a whisper. Magnus gave Alec a confused look before seeming to catch up with what Alec meant, he gave Alec a sad smile. "He  shoved me into the wall and told me to never say it again" He whispered, a shiver running through his body as the memory played over in his head.

Magnus felt hatred building for Alec's father, who could cause such pain to such a sweet boy. "Listen to me Alec" Magnus whispered, loud enough however that Alec could still hear "There is nothing wrong with you" Alec was still looking down at the floor, not wanting to meet Magnus gaze. Magnus thought back to all the things people had said to him when he told people he was bisexual, there was one that always stuck out and had hurt the most. He reached forward and gently moved Alec's face to look at him. "You are not broken" 

Alec felt the last of his resolve break as he crashed forward into Magus chest, a loud heavy sob escaping him. Magnus felt his back fall against the arm of the sofa, he carefully pulled his hand from Alec's and wrapped it around his back, he felt as Alec's hands came up to grip Magnus shirt. Magnus carefully rubbed circles on Alec's back. Alec's sobs grew quieter, soon the only noise being his heavy breathing. Magnus didn't move from his position, still rubbing Alec's back. He felt as Alec's breathing started to even out. He carefully looked down to see Alec's eyes were shut, his chest rising and falling slowly. Magnus let out a large breath, squeezing his eyes shut. Magnus carefully moved himself, slipping out of Alec grip. He laid Alec down on the sofa, carefully picking his feat up placing them on the sofa. He walked over to his bed room and grabbed a red blanket. He quietly walked back to the sofa draping the blanket over Alec. He looked down at him finding it hard to believe this was the same boy he had meet that first day. He walked over to the glass coffee table and quietly moved it back before carefully picked up the leather arm chair and placing it in front of the sofa. He sat down on the chair and was suddenly over come with tiredness, however he pushed it away focusing on the sleeping boy in front of him. Magnus head was filled with so many questions; why did Alec think he killed his brother, why did he think this was all his fault, what prompted him to tell his parents. There was obviously something Magnus was missing but it could wait for now, what was important at the moment was that Alec was peacefully sleeping, his cheeks dry of tears. Whatever was going on with Alec, Magnus was determined to help. Tessa was right, Alec had gotten under Magnus skin, maybe more than Magnus wanted to admit. He reached out and slowly moved a piece of raven hair from Alec's face, Magnus was determined to make sure Alec's face would never be stained with tears again. As Magnus sat back into the chair his eyes never left Alexanders, the sound of his quite breathing the only source of sound in the silent room.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TW*  
> In the third paragraph Alec changes the bandage on his self-harm wound, this isn't very graphic as Alec does not look.  
> When talking to his parents Robert makes some very derogatory remarks towards Alec about his self harming and when Alec reveals he is gay Robert shoves him into a wall, this does not go any further as Robert reales him. Robert is just a general dick in the whole scene.  
> The later part of the chapter (When Alec arrives at Izzy's until the end) had a dark tone and could be triggering to people.  
> \-----------------  
> Hope you guys enjoyed! The next chapter should be up next weekend but I can't make any promises although I will try my best!  
> Reviews and comments are always welcome, love ya guys!-A♥


	12. Rock bottom, the only way is up.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this fic is so late I've had lots of revision for finales and last night I actually had it all written and then my computer crashed and I lost it all so I had to rewrite most of it again today. Anyway hope you guys enjoy it, as always comments are always welcome! -A♥
> 
> Also check the end of notes for a question for you guys!

Previously...

"No, no let him talk Izzy, you don't want to get married?" His father mocked, Alec felt the wrath build in his chest, he ripped his arm from Izzy and squared up to his father.

"Nope, not to a girl away way because I'm gay-" As soon as the words left Alec's mouth his father seized his shoulders and shoved him into the wall behind him, Alec collided with it with force.

"ROBERT LET HIM GO!" Maryse cried, rushing to her husband trying to pull him off but unable to.

Roberts hand was wrapped tightly around Alec's shoulder preventing him from moving. He was looking Alec dead in the eye. "Never say that again" His voice was cold and growling. He spoke slowly telling Alec he meant it.

"DAD!" Izzy cried rushing towards Alec. "STOP IT" She shriek, as she tired to pull Robert off her brother. Robert released his grip from Alec, staggering back. Silence feel the room, only the noise of breathing broke it.

Alec felt as a tear fell onto his check, rolling down before falling onto the floor. "I hate you" He croaked, his father looked at him, clearly not expecting that. Shakily Alec pushed himself from the wall and dashed out of the apartment.

"ALEC!" Izzy called after Alec, running after him. Izzy darted out of the room running down the corridor, she could see Alec standing in the lift, she called his name but he made no movement, just staring down at the floor. As she came towards the lift doors she reached out to hit the button to make them open. The doors closed with a loud thud that seemed to echo the halls. Izzy furiously slammed the button trying to get it to open but nothing happened. She gave a frustrated cry and ran down the hall towards the stairs. She ran down the stairs, her hair falling into her face. She jumped down the last few steps and ran into the lobby. Her chest was rising fast, a small pain forming there. She looked around to see if Alec was in there but he wasn't, she took off towards the large doors. She crashing out of the large doors in to the empty street. She jogged into the middle of the sidewalk and looked around for Alec; he was gone, Izzy cursed. She felt as more tears started to fall down her cheeks, she reached into her pocket and grabbed her phone hitting speed dial one. The phone rang and rang and rang but there was no answer. It clicked over to voice mail.

"Alec please pick up your phone, please talk to me, let me help" She cried. Izzy hung up the phone and rang again, once again it went to voice mail. "Alec please don't shut me out, talk to me I can help ju-just talk to me we can go anywhere you want just don't...just please don't do anything stupid" With that thought creeping into her mind Izzy let out a small sob. "I love you Alec, please" Another louder sob escaped her mouth and Izzy felt her phone slip from her hands falling to the ground with a loud thud. Izzy reached down with shaky hands and grabbed her phone not even checking if it was broken, she shoved it back into her pocket and stood on the street not moving. She could feel the cold air creeping into her bones causing her whole body to shake, more tears working there way down her face. What had just happened? Everything was going so well, Alec seemed to be settling in, they had such an amazing day when they went out shopping. Did she not pay enough attention? Had she missed something? Izzy brought her hand up to her face and angrily pushed away her tears, no she thought, this wasn't her fault, this wasn't Alec's fault, she knew who's fault this was. With that Izzy quickly spun around and darted back into the lobby, jumping into the lift back to the apartment. Izzy could feel anger-no that wasn't what she felt; fury, rage, thats what she felt. The doors opened and she stormed out of the lift. As she got closer to the apartment door she could her voices, more specifically her mother. She stepped into the room to see her mother sat on the sofa, obvious tears down her cheeks, her hand clasped around her phone.

"Alec please, pick up your phone, please come back home" Maryse's voice was gentle but there was a clear sense of panic and worry.

Robert started to walk over to Maryse, going to put his hand on her shoulder. "Maryse-"

Maryse shoved his hand away standing up from the sofa pushing past him. “DO NOT TALK TO ME!" Her mother yelled back, clear anger and venom in her voice.

Izzy closed the door hard behind her, both parents looked around at her. Maryse dropped her phone on the sofa and rushed towards her "Isabelle!" She cried. "Did you find him is he okay? Please tell me he is okay" She exclaimed, her eyes full of worry and fear, just like Isabelle's.

Izzy looked down at the floor and shook her head. "I tried to catch up with him but he got away, I-I tried to call him but it just rang and went to voicemail" Izzy looked up to see her mother still looking at her with worry, she reached out her hand and wiped a tear from Izzy's cheek. Izzy leaned in wanting nothing more than to hug her mother and cry.

"We'll find him Izzy, I promise" Her mothers voice was gentle, reminding her of when they were children and their mother would read them stories, at this moment Izzy wanted nothing more than to go back to that time. To crawl into her mothers lap and sleep, to play with her brothers...with max. Maryse gave Izzy a small reassuring smile before leaning forward and kissing her forehead.

"Look, why don’t-“ Izzy heard her fathers voice speak up, all the warmth she felt from her mother disappeared, she snapped her heard around towards him.

"Just shut up!" She said, her lower lip quivering, her fist balled up next to her. She walked away from her mother, towards her father, shaking her head with anger. "For once just stop talking, all Alec has even done is try to please you and thats how you treat him! Now Alec is god knows where doing god knows what all thanks to you!" She screamed, some more tears fell onto her cheeks and Izzy was surprised that she still had tears left in her her father opened his mouth to say something when Maryse stepped forward grabbing Izzy's hand.

"Isabelle, why don't you go see if he's at his apartment, maybe he went back there?" Izzy looked at her mother than back to her father, the anger and rage still there, but her mother had a point. Maybe Alec went back into the room. She gave a large sigh and wiped her hand across her cheeks.

"Yeah, yeah thats a good idea" She said. She turned around and grabbed her jacket off the chair, she gave her mothers hand a squeeze and pulled open the door, however before she left she paused. Turing around to look at her father. "If anything happens to him, its on you!" Her voice was calm, but her tone told her father she meant it. With that she gave her mother one last look before closing the door behind her.

The room fell silent, neither parent saying anything. Maryse kept her eye on the door, she gave a small sigh before speaking. "What have you done Robert" Her voice was barley above a whisper but I was loud enough for Robert to hear.

"Me-"

Before he could finish Maryse spun around, a raw rage present in her eyes. She stormed forward, pointing her finger at him. "Yes, you!" She cried. "This is all your fault! How could you say those things to him! He's our SON!" Maryse felt her voice crack on the word son, her emotions unravelling.

Robert shook his head, wiping his hand down his face. "He's just doing it for-"

"Don't finish that sentence Robert!" Maryse roared, her cheeks red with anger.

Robert gave a large sigh before sitting down on the Sofa. "Just think about it Maryse"

Maryse looked around at him. "Think about what? Whats there to think about Robert?"

He sighed again. "Our reputation-“

Maryse gave a loud bitter laugh "Reputation? I don't give a fuck about our reputation, our son is missing! He is somewhere out there alone and scared out of his mind and and you're sat here talking to me about 'our reputation'?" Maryse's voice was raising and she knew that the neighbours could probably hear but she didn't care, all she cared about right now was Alec.

Robert stood from the sofa, throwing his hands out to the side. "We've worked too hard for it and I'm not going to have him destroy-"

"Get out" Maryse firmly demanded.

"Excuse me?" Shock was evident on his face.

"I said get out!" Emotion coming back into her voice. She walked forward towards him. "Pack your things and leave, I don't want to see your face again and I'm sure neither Izzy or Alec do so just leave" Maryse spat, she spun around and walked towards the table.

"You can't be serious-"

"Oh I am serious Robert" She yelled, she turned around to face him again. "I have sat back and watched you bully Alec for too long" Maryse had watched for the last year Alec come Roberts punching bag, not physically, he had never gone that far but emotionally yes. Every time something happened, it was Alec's fault, she knew there ware times she could have intervened but she never did, but she had had enough. "I've already lost one son and I will not lose another now get out before I call the police and have them remove you!" Maryse stood her ground and watched as Robbert turned around towards the bedroom.

After about 5 minutes Robert came out of the room, a bag packed, he placed in down in front of him "So what, this is it? We're done?" There was a hint of sadness in his voice but Maryse felt no sympathy for him.

"Yes Robert, we're done-"

He tried to get closer to her. "-You're making a mistake-"

Maryse stepped away from him and walked towards the door, pulling it open."The only mistake I've made was marrying you, now leave" Maryse looked at Robert waiting for him to say something. He looked back at her and picked up his bag walking out of the door without another word. Maryse slammed the room behind him, now left alone in the room. She walked over to the sofa and sank down, all the emotions from the evening washing over her.

 

**********

 

The taxi pulled up at the dorm rooms and Izzy quickly gave the driver money jumping out. She slammed the door behind her and took off towards the building. She hit the buzzer waiting for a voice to reply. There was nothing so she hit it again, repeatedly, wanting to smash the thing out of anger.

"Hello?" The voice called back

"Jace?" Izzy breathed, disappointment in her voice, she had hoped Alec would answer.

"Yes who-" Before he could finished Izzy interrupted not wanting to waste anytime.

"Its Izzy, Alec's sister, Is Alec up there?" Izzy closed her answer and waited for the answer.

"No, I haven't seen him since earlier

"Crap" Izzy cried, rising her hand up to rub her forehead, she had hopped Alec would be here, safe.

"Is everything alright?"

Izzy felt her eyes starting to water again, she looked up at the sky trying to hold them back. "No, no nothing is alright" She whimpered.

"Okay I'm going to buzz you up, come up to the apartment" There was clear concern in Jace's voice. Izzy heard the door buzz open and stepped inside. The elevator was silent, however her head was not, thoughts swarmed around her head, a large headache forming. The doors beeped open and Izzy stepped out. She walked down the hallway and saw Jace stood in the archway of the door, a pair of black jeans and a navy v-neck shirt, his eyebrow furrowed with worry. As he saw Izzy he pushed himself off the frame and stepped forward to greet her. "What happened? Is Alec alright?" His eyes scanned her, like he was checking to make sure she was okay.

"I-I don't know?" Izzy admitted, reaching up to push her hair away from her eyes, her hands falling down next to her.

"What do you mean?" Jace inquired. Izzy gave a small shake of her head, she felt to tired and just wanted to find her brother. She felt a hand rest of her shoulder. She looked up to see Jace looking down at her with worry. "Izzy you're scaring me"

Izzy took a large breath, trying to compose herself, she stepped past Jace into the apartment, she heard Jace follow her and the door close. She slowly walked into the centre of the room and sunk down onto the bed, her arms falling into her lap. He hands nervously pulling at the strings of her joggers. Jace carefully walked over to her and knelt down in front of her, like Alec would do when she was upset. She looked up to meet his eyes. "Alec stormed out of the apartment and I can't find him anyway and-and he's not picking up his phone and-" A small sob came out of her mouth and she threw her hand up to cover her mouth, she had to keep herself composed if she was going to find Alec.

"Hey, hey its okay!" Jace said, he stood up from the floor and sat down next to her. “We'll find him okay?" Izzy shook her head, she didn't know where else Alec could be, he was knew to the town and-

"Magnus!" Izzy cried with joy, standing up from the bed.

"What?" Jace asked, clearly confused.

"Magnus Bane, he was a...friend of Alec's maybe he's there! Where does he live?" Izzy knew she was rambling but she didn't care, Alec had to be there it was the only possible explanation. She looked at Jace with wide excited eyes.

"I-I don't know?" Jace confused. Izzy's excited face fell instantly. "But Clary might?" He offered, he walked over to his desk and grabbed his phone, as Jace exchanged a few words with Clary and sensing Izzy's urgency quickly jotted down the address on a sticky notes and put the phone down walking back over to her.

"Okay so I've got his address, lets go" He walked pass Izzy towards the door before Izzy grabbed his arm stopping him from leaving.

"No, no, no you need to stay here incase he comes back, if he does call me right away and..."

"And what?" Jace asked as Izzy released his arm from her hand.

Izzy thought about what to say, not wanting to give to much away or make Jace panic. "Don't...don't leave him alone"

Jace wanted to ask why, he didn't understand what was happening but as he looked into Izzy's eyes he decided not to, clearly she had a good reason for asking this request. "I wont, call me when you find him" She gave him a nod as she took the address from his hand taking off out the room. Jace gave a large sigh as he sunk onto the bed wiping his hand down his face, squeezing his eyes shut. He reached into his pocket and pulled his phone out, pressing it to his ear.

"Alec, I don't know whats happening but your sisters just been here and she is super worried about you, please just give her a call and let her know you're okay" Jace went to put the phone down but stopped, bringing it back up to his ear. "While you're at it give me a call let me know you're safe, you don't have to come back here if you don't want to just-just tell me you're alright." Jace clenched his jew and put the phone down. He didn't move from the bed, sitting still and staring at the door, if Alec was to come back, Jace would be here for him.

 

**********

 

Magnus tapped his fingers against the chair of his seat as he studied Alexanders face, he was still peacefully sleeping on the sofa. His arms folded under his head, the blanket wrapped around him. Magnus wasn't sure how long we had been sat here watching Alex, studying every part of his face, his pale porcelain skin and how his wild blue eyes stood out against it. Every few minutes a piece of raven black hair would fall onto his face, Magnus would reach out and move it. Magnus thought, he would never tire if this, being around Alexander gave him a calming feeling, the boys breathing seeming to fall into the same rhyme as Magnus. Alec shifted on the sofa, his arm slipping out from under his head and falling over the sofa, Magnus reached out to move it when the buzzer to his apartment went. He gave a frown and walked over to it, pressing the button. "Who is there?"

"Magnus, its-"

"Isabelle?" He recognised the girls voice from there brief day together.

"Yes-" Before Izzy could say it Magnus knew why she was buzzing

"He's here" He replied, looking around to observe Alec still peacefully sleeping on the sofa.

"Oh thank god" She cried, Magnus could hear the relief in her voice.

"I'll buzz you up" He clicked the buzzer and opened the door waiting for Izzy to appear. As he leaned against the door frame he heard foot steps coming up the stairs. Magnus gave a sympathetic smile as Izzy reached the top of the stairs; the girl looked exhausted, half her bun had fallen out and her eyes were red from tears.

Before Magnus could say anything Izzy walked straight into the apartment looking around, not out of rudeness but fear for her brother "Where is-"

"He's asleep on the sofa" Magnus pointed to the sleeping Alec on the sofa "He seemed pretty exhausted" Magnus remarked as Izzy walked over to her brother, sitting down in the chair the Magnus had previously been in.

Magnus didn't say anything as Izzy watched her brother sleep, giving them a moment alone. She reached out and lightly cupped his face, stroking his cheek with her thumb "Did he tell you what happened?" She didn't look up at Magnus, her eyes never leaving her brothers face.

"To an extent" Alec had mentioned bits and pieces but he was sure it wasn't the full story. He walked over and perched himself on the arm of the sofa by Alec's face, making sure to give Izzy her room. "He turned up here rambling about how it was all his fault and..." Magnus wasn't sure wether to tell Izzy the next part, not wanting to upset her more. She looked up at him, her eyes told him she needed to truth, if they she was going to help Alec she needed the truth and "He was saying how-how he killed his brother" 

Izzy's head dropped down, her hand coming up to squeeze her temples, her hand dropped into her lap. Magnus heard her curse under her breath, her eyes becoming fresh with tears although she quickly pushed them away, reaching down to grab the hand that had fallen from the sofa her hand wrapping around it.

Magnus shifted his eyes and looked down at the sleeping boy wanting to reached out and move a piece of hair from his face but decided against it. "I told his that wasn't true and told him to sit down and then he told me about what happened with his dad" At that Izzy's face turned to pure rage, Magnus could see the anger dancing behind her eyes. "I'm guessing it was pretty bad" Izzy didn't say anything but he could tell from her expression what the answer was; yes, it was bad. "But that was all he really said, he just passed out after" Magnus once again looked down at Alec, he reached down and moved the piece of hair from his face, his hand lingering there for a moment.

"Thanks for looking after him" Izzy spoke, Magnus looked at the Izzy, she had a small smile on her face-

"Isabelle, your hand are you okay?" Magnus said, his voice louder than he intended.

Izzy gave a confused look then followed Magnus eye line. Her hand was wrapped around Alec's a small amount of blood was on her hand. Izzy gave a sigh and pulled her hand away from Alec's hand. She carefully pulled his sleeve up, revelling a blood stained bandage. Magnus felt his whole body cold, like he had been submerged in ice water, unable to move or breath, his eyes didn't leave the wrist. A horrific sense of deja vu came over Magnus as he remembered looking at the same wrist a few days ago, although then it was clear of blood, only pale scars there.

"I-I didn't know he still cut" Magnus stammered, his eyes moving from the bandage to Isabelle's face. 

She gave a confused face. "You know?"

"I saw the marks when I was cleaning his hand, when he cut it at the party. I-I didn't say anything because I didn't know what to say. All the marks looked old so I just assumed he had stopped, maybe I should of-" Before Magnus could continue Izzy shook her head and held up free hand up.

"-Stop." Magnus quickly stopped talking not wanting to upset the girl, a wave of guilt had come crashing over him. Sensing this Izzy spoke up. "This isn't your fault Magnus." Magnus and Izzy looked at each other before Izzy looked back at her brother, still checking he was asleep. "He had stopped, he was clean for about a month, would of been around his 65th day clean."

Izzy reached out her hand and Magnus noticed how it shook like a leaf in the wind, she carefully brushed Alec's cheek, Magnus heard a soft, small cry from Isabelle. Her lip was trembling and for the first time Magnus noticed how young she was, it broke Magnus heart to see how much pain was behind her eyes. "I just-I don't know what to do Magnus" Another cry came and a tear dropped down onto her cheek.

Magnus leaned forward and put his hand on Izzy's shoulder, she looked up at him her eyes glistening with tears. "Why don't you go grab a drink from the kitchen and I'll change his bandage" Izzy opened her mouth to protest but Magnus carried on. "Its fine I don't mind doing it, go get yourself a coffee or tea" She gave her brother another look before standing up and going into the kitchen. Magnus quickly went into the bathroom and got the medical kit. She walked back into the living room and sat down on the chair, placing the box on the side. He pushed Alec's sleeve up higher. He reached forward and started to undo the bandage, as the bandage fell Magnus had to look away, what had happened to Alec to make him do this. Magnus took a breath before opening the box and grabbing a wipe. He carefully cleared the blood from Alec's wrist careful not to wake him, after the blood was gone Magnus re-bandaged. He added a extra layer just to be sure and tapped down the bandage, she gave the bandage a once over checking it was okay. He gave a large breath and kept hold of Alec's hand, his thumb rubbing over his knuckles, he suddenly felt something wet hit his hand, like a rain drop. Again. Magnus gave a confused look before he realised his sight was blurry, he squeezed his eyes together trying to get his vision to clear and felt another drop on his hand, he used his shoulder to wipe his eyes trying to clear them. He gave a shaky breath before using his other hand to reach out and stroke Alec's cheeks, his warm skin causing Magnus to shake.

"You care about him" Magnus turned around to see Izzy stood behind him, a cup of coffee in her hand. She had fixed her hair and wiped her eyes of tears.

Magnus felt a warm feeling rush over him, he turned away and looked back towards Alec "What-I mean-yeah of course-not of course-its just..." He heard Izzy give a small laugh. He sighed as he looked down at Alec "Yeah I care about him, don't ask me how it happened because I have no idea" It was true, Magnus had no idea how this happened, he had never intended any of this, he just wanted to talk to the cute guy at the cafe.

Izzy walked over and sat on the arm of the arm chair that Magnus was sat in. "He cares about you to" She spoke. Magnus gave a little smile.

"Max...our brothers name was Max" Magnus slowly turned around and looked up at Izzy, she was starting down at Alec.

"Isabelle-"

"No, if you're going to help, if you're going to be a part of his life then you need to know what happened" Magnus a lump in his throat. He felt guilty, a part of him wanted to know the truth, wanted to know what had happened to Alec but there was another part of him, a selfish part that didn't want to know what happened, wanted to be shield from what he was sure was a horrible truth. Izzy gave a large breath, clearly trying to prepare herself for what she was about to say. "One night my parents were out at some event and I was staying at a friends, the babysitter cancelled so Alec had to stay home and look after max, he was only 8." Magnus kept his eyes on Izzy. They seemed to glaze over like she was back there. "Alec had arranged to go meet a friend so my parents told him to cancel but Alec decided to go meet them anyway and take Max with him." Magnus noted that every time Izzy said 'Max' her voice hitched, she looked down at her hands, they were pulling strings from her joggers. "According to Alec, he decided to take a short cut through an alley way to save some time." There was no judgement in her voice, just reflection. "They got about half way through when a gang approached them, Alec told max to run but the gang was to big, they got hold of Alec and...and roughed him up" Magnus could see the pain in Izzy's eyes, Magnus felt more rage building in his chest, how could people be so cruel. "In all the confusing max tried to grab hold of a gun...to save Alec" Izzy's voice broke at the end, Magnus reached out and gave her hand a squeeze, she gave him a quick look before carrying on with her story. "Alec heard a shot and the gang left, they just left them both there, in the street" The disgust in Izzy's voice was apparent, she shook her head "Alec tried to save him but there wasn't much he could do, the ambulance arrived but it was to late." Magnus felt his eyes welling up again but he didn't move to wipe away the tears. "He refused to talk to anyone in the hospital, he just...sat there, he was never the same after that...none of us were" Magnus felt his heart break for the lightwood children.

"when-when did he start-"

"I'm not sure exactly...I noticed it about three months after Max died, I tried to help him and offer other options. I use to check his arms every time he went to school and came back, just to be sure" Magnus gave a little smile, Izzy truly cared about her brother, wanting nothing more than to protect him. Izzy went to say something when Alec groaned from the sofa, both Magnus and Izzy looked around. Alec was shifting on the sofa, his eyes slowly opening.

"Alec" Izzy whispered, her voice low and relaxing.

"Izzy?" Alec groaned, he squeezed his eyes shut and shifted on the sofa, trying to push himself up, he winced in pain as he tried to use his injured wrist for support. He looked down at his wrist before looking back up at Izzy.

"Thanks" He mumbled. Alec kept his eyes down to the ground, not wanting to look into his sisters eyes.

"It wasn't me" Alec looked up at her, her eyes darted to the side and Alec followed them. Magnus was sat in a black leather chair just in front of the sofa, a medical kit on the side. Alec could almost feel the colour drain from his face, his arm he was supporting himself with starting to shake.

“It's okay Alec, I knew" Magnus's face was soft and gentle, like he was talking to a scared child. "I saw the scars when you injured your hand, you seemed pretty shaken up so I didn't say anything" Alec felt a wave of nausea wash over him, he thought it had passed when another came, this time more aggressive, Alec dashed from the sofa towards the bathroom, he heard Izzy call after him but ignored it. He pushed open the bathroom door quickly locking it behind him before crashing to his knees in front of the toilet, Alec heaved, and continued to until there was nothing left. His hands griped the toilet lid with a vice like grip. He continued to dry heaved over the toilet, his whole body shaking. He felt like he was in shock, his body wouldn't stop shaking, a cold grip tightening around his body. He heard a soft knock against the door. 

"I need to brush my teeth" Izzy quietly said. Alec wanted to smile, understanding what Izzy was referring to. Whenever Alec locked himself in the bathroom at there old house, to hide from his father, the cut or to heal, Izzy would knock on the door and say 'she needed to brush her teeth' a code which meant she knew something was wrong and Alec needed to let her in to talk about it. Alec didn't move from the floor, there was another knock on the door, this time with some more force. Alec knew Izzy wouldn't give up so reached over and flicked the lock. The door instantly open and Izzy slipped inside locking it again. She paused before sliding down the door, pulling her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. Alec flushed the toilet and closed the lid, moving so that his back was resting against it, facing towards Izzy. Alec couldn't count the times the siblings had done this over the last year. Sometimes they would talk right away, Izzy pleading with Alec to let her help, pleading with him to stop. Other times however, they just sat in silence, each others presences enough. Izzy's phone made a noise in her pocket, she reached in and pulled it out. She typed on her phone for a short time before putting it back.

"Who was that?" Alec muttered, looking down at the fresh bandage around his wrist.

"Mom, she wanted to know if you were okay, she was freaking out back at the apartment" Izzy replied, wrapping her arms around her legs again. She looked up and gave Alec a reassuring smile. "I said I found you and were just going to talk for a while" 

"Thanks" Alec sighed, his hands nervously pulling at threads from the bandage. Izzy went to say something but Alec just shock his head, a sad frown formed on Izzy's lips.

"Don't ju-just don't-" Alec whispered, a sharp breath in followed. 

"We need to talk about-"

Alec looked up from the floor, his eyes filled with angry tears, he wasn't sure who he was angry at anymore, he wasn't sure about anything anymore. "Talk about what Izzy? Whats there to talk about? I screwed it up, everything, dad hates me-" Alec felt a wave of anger pass through him.

"I don't care about dad." Izzy snapped, not at Alec but at the mention of their father.

"I don't know what I was thinking" Alec admitted "I was just so angry and-I just couldn't take it anymore" He felt a lump in his throat, his emotion clearly still unstable. "I'm sorry" Izzy gave Alec a confused look unsure what he meant? "For screwing up, 65 days-" Alec felt a hot tear fall onto his cheek but he quickly reached up and pushed it away. 

"Alec this wasn't your fault. People relapse okay?" Izzy was trying to sound reassuring and cheerful but it just feel flat. Alec didn't say anything, trapped inside his own thoughts. He felt Izzy's small hand wrap around his, he slowly looked up and meet her eyes. There was a pause before she spoke. "Alec, we will get through this, we always do." She gave his hand a squeeze, Alec turned his hand around in hers and gave her hand a squeeze back. It was true, Alec and Izzy were always there for each other. Through everything Alec always had Izzy, and she always had him. "I will always be here to help you, so will mom" There was a pause before Izzy continued. "So will Magnus"

Alec pulled his hand around from his sisters, shaking his head.

"You care about him Alec, and he cares about you to, a lot" Alec didn't dare look at his sister, not wanting to give anything away. Magnus knew, he knew about the cutting.

 "He doesn't deserve this, all this mess-"

"Magnus is old enough to make his own decisions Alec"

Alec pushed himself off the floor pacing on the spot, he suddenly realised how small the bathroom was. "I'll just screw his life up like I did-" 

Izzy copied his movement, standing up and placing her arm on his bicep. "Don't even say it Alec, you didn't screw our lives up Alec, I don't care what dad says it wasn't your fault" Alec just looked down at his little sister, she was staring up at him with such affection Alec had to look away, he wondered what he would do if he didn't have her, Alec shock his head not even wanting to entertain that thought. "We can't change what happened Alec but we can go from here."

Alec stepped back and sunk onto the lid of the toilet, putting his head into his hands. "How, I-I don't know what to do Izzy, I hate this course, I hate it and-" A quite sob came out of Alec's mouth, he cursed under his breath, he was so tired of crying, tired of feeling like this. "I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm just so tried, I'm tired of being scared, of being angry of-of-" Another sob escaped and Alec just wanted to punch something, he was so sick of this feeling.

He heard Izzy shifting, he felt her hands resting on his knees. "Alec, look at me" Alec didn't move his head, he felt Izzy's hand leave his knee and come under his chin carefully moving his head up to meet her eyes. "Alec...we are going to figure this out okay, we will get through this okay" She moved her hand back to his knee as she continued. "So, we need a plan of action, I'm think it will be best if you come stay at the apartment for a while"

Alec felt his body go rigid, his whole body tensing. "I'm not staying with dad-"

"He's gone" Izzy confirmed, before Alec could ask Izzy carried on with her story. "Mom kicked him out, I don't know where he's gone but he's not there" Alec wasn't sure how he felt about this, his father was gone, his mother had kicked him out, before he could think it through more Izzy gave Alec a little smile. "We can work through it together, as a family" 

"Aren't you meant to be back in Washington?" Alec asked.

"Mom called up and said we needed some time for a 'family emergency'" Alec gave a slight chuckle, apparently his mother had been busy in the last...Alec wasn't even sure how long he had been at Magnus. “She also rang up the university, said you needed some time for ‘family issues’” Alec wanted to laugh at that, Alec was quite sure his situation was more complex than ‘family issues’ He wasn’t even sure he had a family anymore. "Why don't we go back to your apartment, grab some stuff and you can come back to the apartment?"

A thought suddenly occurred to Alec. "What am I meant to tell Jace?"

Izzy paused, seemingly thinking about what to say. "Thats up to you Alec?"

Alec nodded his head, maybe it was time to tell Jace the truth, after everything he had put Jace through maybe he deserved the truth. Alec gave Izzy a small nod. They both stood in silence for a while before Alec took a large breath, he walked over to the sink and quickly splashed some water on his face. He stood up and walked towards the door flicking the lock and slowly walking out, Izzy behind him. They walked back into the large room and Magnus was sat on the sofa, twisting his rings on his hand. He stood up when he saw the siblings, giving them a weak smile. Alec felt Izzy squeeze his arm next to him. 

"I'm going to go grab a cab, I'll meet you down stairs" With that she walked away and out of the room, there was a silence for a while.

"You going back to yours?" Magnus offered, not moving from the sofa. 

Alec shifted on his feet. "No, no i'm going to go stay with Izzy and my mom for a while"

"That sounds like a good idea" Magnus said. Once again the room fell silent, Alec felt like he should say something but didn’t know what to say, or rather he didn’t know how to say it. Magnus stood up from the sofa and started to walk towards Alec.

"Thank you" Alec said, just above a whisper, looking down at the floor.

"For what?" Magnus asked, genuine confusion.

"Just...for everything, for fixing my hand, not saying anything about..." Alec motioned towards his wrist, he looked up from the floor to meet Magnus eyes. "For putting up with me I guess"

Magnus gave a little smile, his arms going out to the side as he sauntered towards Alec. "It's not 'putting up' with someone if you enjoy having them around"

Alec took a large breath. "Listen Magnus-"

Magnus held his hand up, giving Alec a soft smile. He stopped sort just in front of Alec. "Its okay you don't need to explain Alec-"

"But I want to" Alec interrupted. He took a step towards Magnus, if he was going to sort this mess out; he was going to start here. "What I said the other day on the phone, ab-about this all being your fault...that wasn't true I was just angry and upset and I took it out on you" He rambled. He looked at Magnus properly for the first time today. His hair was disheveled, free of gel or glitter, his eyes looked tired, also free of there usual glitter and colour. Even though Magnus was free of his glitter and bright colours, Alec still found his breath gone. "Also, It wasn't a stupid mistake" Magnus didn't say anything, but his eyes said he was unsure what Alec was saying, suddenly Magnus eyes changed and he seemed to understand what Alec was referring to "And...And It didn't mean nothing" Alec kept his eyes on Magnus not looking down to the floor.

Magnus gave a little smile, looking down at the floor then back up to Alec ”It meant something to me as well” Alec reciprocated the smile, biting his lower lip. "I'm excited to see more of that smile, I've missed it” Alec felt his smile grow slightly more, however it didn’t last long a wave of tiredness came over him, Alec knew what the next few days were going to be like, they were always the same after he cut and he wasn’t looking forward to it. Magnus stepped forward towards Alec. "Look Alec, I know theres no quick fix for this and it’s going to take some time but...that doesn't change anything for me...I'm not going anywhere.” Magnus stopped walking just in front of Alec, Alec found his eyes studying Magnus face again, even without bright light his eyes seemed to shine “But I also get that you need some time to work through this so...go back with your family, and when your ready to talk, call me” Magnus shifted on his feet as he looked at Alec, there was a comfortable silence between he pair.

For the first time Alec noticed how close Magnus was to him, and to this surprise he didn’t feel trapped. Alec moved his hand forward slightly, pausing before grabbing Magnus hand and squeezing, he looked back up to Magnus who was looking at him with a quite smile. ”Thank you Magnus” He said, his voice laced with emotion and true thankfulness. Magnus reached up and pushed a piece of Alec’s hair away from his face, his hand coming down to rest on his check.

“You are very welcome Alexander” He replied. Alec gave his hand a finale squeeze before letting go and walking towards the large oak door. As he reached it he quickly looks over his shoulder at Magnus, who was leaning against a brick pillar, he gave Alec a wink before turning around towards the kitchen. Alec watched as Magnus left before opening the door and going down the stairs to meet his sister.

 

**********

 

On the ride back to the apartment Izzy had explained what happened when she was looking for Alec, more specifically what she had said to Jace. So wrapped up in finding Alec she had forgot to text Jace so quickly did that in the car, telling him Alec was alright and coming back to the apartment to talk. Alec leaned back against the leather seat and thought about what he was going to say. How much should he tell Jace. All of it? The whole truth? No, not all of it. Half? What was half?” Alec felt a feeling of anxiety rising in his chest, what was he going to tell Jace? Sensing this Izzy reached out and squeezed his hand. Alec found him self taking a large breath when the cab pulled up outside his apartment. Alec gave his sister a finale look before pulling open the door and getting out. He walked in and stepped into the lift. In the silence he found his eyes becoming heavy. He wasn’t sure what time it was but it couldn't be later than 4pm. He reached up and rubbed his eyes. The doors pinged open and Alec stepped out. It suddenly dawned on him that he still didn’t know what he was going to say to Jace. As he walked down the hall he tried to think but his mind was blank. As he got to the door about the knock, it swung open.

 Jace was stood there, worry etched on his face. Before Jace could ask Alec stepped inside the room. “I’m okay Jace” He said, he walked over to the edge of his bed and sat down, his body sinking into the mattress.

“Are you sure man? I mean I don’t want to push you I just-“ Alec could hear the worry in Jace’s words. 

“Maybe we should talk?” He offered

“Yeah that sounds like a good idea” Jace walked over to his bed and sat down on the end, facing Alec.

“First I’m sorry Izzy kinda freaked you out earlier, she can get a bit protective” Izzy had told Alec what she had said to Jace but imagined that she probably toned It down slightly, Alec knew what Izzy was like when she was worried.

“She seemed really worried about you” Jace answered, and Alec could see Jace’s own worry in his eyes; Izzy must of really freaked him out. “She said you stormed out your apartment?-“ Jace asked in a questioning tone.

“Yeah, yeah I should probably explain what happened” Alec said, remembering why he came here in the first place.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want? I’m just glad you’re okay” Alec didn’t really hear what Jace said, working himself up to explain what was going on.

“You were right about this course…I do hate it, just the thought of blood makes he want to pass out but I thought if I did this course I could push past and make my parents happy but that’s a totally different point…” Alec rambled on not wanting to think about his father or how he felt about the whole situation. He took a large breath and carried on with his explanation. “I did something stupid the other night…something that I knew I shouldn't of done but I think that everything just got to much and I kinda…” Alec tired to find the right word to explain what happened the other night, one word in particular came to his head; broke. “Any way…my sister thinks it would be a good idea if I stayed with her for a little while, just till…” That was something else Alec hadn’t thought about, how long was he going to stay with Izzy and mom? He could eventually have to come back, they would eventually have to leave and go home, leaving Alec alone here. “Its not permeant and I know this probably doesn’t make any sense-“

“It's okay Alec you don’t have to explain, you do whatever you need to do, and your room will still be here when you’re ready to come back.” Jace gave him a smile, trying to make Alec feel better.

“Thanks, also I’m not going to be in class so I probably wont be around campus for a while” Alec wondered how he was meant to catch up with his work, how long would he be off. Questions started to fill Alec’s head and he tried to push them away not wanting to overwhelm himself in the fragile state he was in.

“You do what you need to do” Jace reassured, he stood up from the bed. “You need help packing?”

Alec mimicked his actions and stood up from the bed, crossing his arms over his chest. “No I’ll be alright, I’m just going to throw some clothes in a bag” Jace gave him a nod.

Alec took about five minutes to pack, he threw some jumpers and joggers into a bag and a pair of jeans. While pacing Jace told him about his lesson and how he and Clary were doing, just hearing Jace talk about Clary Alec could tell the boy was in deep with her. Alec grabbed his keys off the side and threw his bag over his shoulder.

“Got everything?” Jace asked.

“Yeah, all set” Alec replied, looking around the room to make sure he did have everything.

Alec walked towards the door and Jace followed. Alec pulled open the door and turned around to face Jace. “Alright, call me if you need anything or just want to chat?” Jace said, Alec gave him a small nod. Jace reached out and squeezed his shoulder before turning around and going back into the room.

 

*********

 

The siblings road in silence back to the apartment where there mother was. Alec started to feel the weight of the situation. How would his mother react, sure she had kicked Robert out but that didn’t mean she was okay with it? She now knew everything, everything Alec has worked to hard to hide. As the cab rolled up to the curb the siblings got out. Alec stood on the curb and remembered the last time he was here, not to long ago. Izzy came up to his side and Alec walked forward into the large building. Like the cab journey they road up in the lift in silence, it gave Alec time to think, he didn’t know whether this was a good or bad thing. The doors pinged open and the pair stepped out. The walk to the door seemed like a eternity although Alec’s perception of time seemed to be off at the moment, still not sure what time it actually was.

The pair reached the door and Izzy stepped forward and knocked, calling out that it was her and Alec. Soon as the name ‘Alec’ left her lips the door swung open to reveal an obviously relieved Maryse. She had fresh tears on her cheeks, Alec stepped into the room about to speak when Maryse pulled him into a tight hug, wrapping her hands around his neck and resting the other one on the back of his head.

“Oh Alec my baby” She cried, she placed her chin on his shoulder and gave a small cry. Alec stood frozen in his mothers embrace not moving. It had been so long since he and his mother had hugged, he hadn’t seen much of his mother over the last year. After Max she threw herself into work. He missed his mother, her warmth. “I‘m so sorry, I’m so so sorry” She sobbed, holding Alec tighter. Alec wasn’t sure what Maryse was apologizing for. He felt himself relax into his mothers embrace, his head coming to rest in the nook of her neck, his arms coming around the grab the back of her top griping it with what little strength he had left.

“I’m s-sorry” Alec mutter into her neck, feeling fresh tears well up in his eyes. He wasn’t sure what he was crying at, he couldn’t remember the last time his eyes had been dry of tears.

Maryse pulled back from Alec, cupping his cheeks with her hands.

“Do not apologies Alexander you have done nothing wrong, I should be the one apologizing I’m-I’m so sorry sweetheart.” She leaned forward and placed a kiss onto of Alec’s forehead, pulling back to wipe a tear that had fallen onto his cheek, Alec wasn’t sure if it was his tear or hers. “I love you so much” Maryse whispered. “Why don’t you go get some rest in the spare room and were talk after” Maryse asked still holding his cheek. Alec gave a silent nod and detached himself from his mothers grip.

Alec walked over to the guess room and pushed open the door. He stumbled over to the bed and sunk down onto it, pushing himself up the bed so his head was resting on the pillows. Alec breathed slowly as he looked up at the gold celling, he could feel his eyes starting to fall shut, his energy fading. He heard the door quietly open but didn’t move from the bed, still looking up at the celling. He felt the bed dip next to him, he didn’t have to look over to know who it was. Neither of the siblings said anything as they looked up at the celling.

“Remember when me, you and Max use to lay on moms bed and she would read us that book” Izzy finally spoke, still looking up the celling.

“I hated that book” Alec said, his voice quite and soft.

“You did?” Izzy asked.

“Yeah but I didn’t say anything because I thought you liked it” Alec confessed. He moved his arms behind his head.

“I hated it too” Izzy said, a small laugh following.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Alec asked, turning his head slightly to look at his sister.

“Because I thought you liked it” She said, a warm smile on her face. Alec turned his head back around to look up at the celling.

“Max liked it” Izzy whispered.

Silence fell upon the room.

“Yeah he did” Alec replied, his voice quite like he was struggling not to fall asleep.

He felt Izzy shift next to him as she moved over to lay her head on Alec’s chest. Alec felt his eyes starting to close when he heard Izzy’s faint voice speak from his chest.

“I miss him”

Alec moved his arm from behind his head and wrapped his around his sister, his hand resting on her shoulder. Alec thought back to when they were children. When there parents were arguing all the children would climb onto Alec’s bed and huddle together, Izzy on one side and Max on the other, his little hands grabbing Alec's shirt. Alec slowly looked over to where his sister was led, he then looked over to his other side to reveal an empty gap. Alec felt a single tear drop down his cheek, landing on his shirt. “So do I” Alec breathed.

The sound of the pairs breathing filled the room, Alec felt his eyes starting to drop fast, as his eyes fell shut, Alec tightened his grip around his sister.

“You’re going to be okay Alec” Was the last thing Alec heard as he drifted off to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been thinking about this fic a lot and have a question and I would love your guys opinion on it. I've got the story planned out but am not sure whether to split it into two fics, essentially having part one and part two or to just make it one giant fic, if you have any opinion let me know! -A♥


	13. Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this is so late I have been mega busy with real life shenanigans and haven't had time to write but I finally did and have finally got this chapter done, the next chapter should (I cannot make any promises I'm sorry guys) be up within a week! 
> 
> Also this chapter is unbeta so apologies for any grammar/spelling mistakes, if anyone is interested in being a beta for me you can contact me via comments or email/tumblr all which can be found on my profile, if you are interested I will be forever grateful and of course you will get credit for it and if you have tumblr I can promo you or whatever you want, anyway enjoy the chapter you guys and as always feel free to leave comments, love you guys! -A♥

_Voices filled the house, echoing down all the halls into all the rooms. A loud booming voice raised higher, followed by a high pitched voice which matched the booming one._

_Alec wished his blanket could block out the yelling, that somehow pulling it over his head would cancel out all of the screaming and anger. He pushed the quilt off of him and jumped up from the bed pacing the room, he reached his hand up and ran it through his hair tugging at the ends. His parents had been arguing for the last two hours, both screaming at each other, it going quiet for a short while before the voices raised again. Alec wasn’t even sure how the fight started, or what they were fighting about, all he knew was this seemed to be how things were now, his parents yelling at each other, Izzy out at a friends house and Alec shut up in his room. Alone. It had been around two months since it happened, since everything changed. Alec could feel his hands starting to shake next to him, as his room started to fill a lot smaller, like a cage. Lately that’s what the house felt like to him, a cage, somewhere he was trapped inside of. However staying in was all Alec felt like he could do, the thought of going out into a busy street filled with people pushing and shoving and yelling. Alec shook his head trying not to wind himself up. He turned on his feet and walked over to his bathroom and slammed the door behind him, the yelling voices becoming slightly quieter. He walked over to his sink and opened the drawer beneath it. His hand began to twitch, this wasn’t the way to fix this. He shouldn’t be doing this he knew this was bad. But he didn’t know what else to do? It was like a double edger sword, if Alec didn’t do it his mind would race and wonder and lead him to some form of panic attack but doing it wasn’t a long term solution, it was temporary. Alec was about to pull the object out from the drawer when he heard a slam downstairs._

_Alec walked out of the bathroom and listened. A third voice had joined the yelling. Isabelle. The only thing that could pull Alec from his room was his sister. Without another though he left his room and down the stairs to the main living room. Stood there was Robert, who was yelling at Maryse who was yelling at Izzy who was yelling at both of them in return, none of them had noticed Alec had come downstairs, he just stood and watched as his family fell to pieces before him._

_**********_

Alec rolled over in the bed, his head resting on the cool pillow beneath him. He gave a small groan as he rolled back over in the bed stretching his arms. Slowly his eyes opened and came into focus. He could see the white celling above. He pushed himself up on the bed looked around the room. It was dark, the large window behind him covered by a cream curtain. As he squinted his eyes he felt more light starting to creep into the room, he pushed himself up on the bed and gave a large yawn. He looked over at the bedside and grabbed the black alarm clock. 

2pm. pm? Alec quickly sleepy staggered from the bed and over to the large window pulling back the curtains to reveal the golden sun shining down, its rays catching the glass chandler above the bed. The last thing Alec could remember was laying next to Izzy in bed, and that was last night. He must of passed out asleep last night and slept through most of the day. Alec's head felt foggy, unclear.  Alec walked back over to the edge of the bed and sat down, rubbing his eyes. Tiredness still hungover him like a cloud, Alec hadn’t slept much lately and he felt it starting to catch up with him. The large sleep he had last night seemed to have done nothing, he wasn't sure if he would ever not be tired, it seemed like a constant stake for Alec. He could hear nosies coming from the other side of the door, probably Izzy and Maryse. He was staying at there apartment for a while. Alec still hadn't wrapped his head around that fact that his mother now knew everything, everything Alec had hidden she now knew. Alec gave a sigh and got up from the bed, grabbing his backpack and grabbing some black jeans and white and black baseball top. He walked over to the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

_**********_

Izzy stood in the kitchen in a large over sized grey top and a pair of pyjamas shorts. She stirred the coffee with one hand and cupping the warm mug with her other hand, looking forward out of the large kitchen window down into the streets. Izzy gave a small yawn, she hadn’t gotten much sleep last night. Her and Alec had lied on the bed talking for a little while before Alec feel asleep. Izzy didn’t leave the room for a while, just laying there listening to Alec’s steady breath, it was comforting. After a while Izzy pulled herself from her brother and went back into her own room, although she couldn’t sleep, there was to many things on her mind, bouncing off of each other, smashing into her ears, ringing like loud music. Yesterday had left Izzy drained. She was so sure that Alec was doing okay and was fine, did she miss something. Izzy started thinking back to her trip with Alec. Was he wearing a long shirt? Did he seem off? Did she miss something? Was this her fault? Izzy then began to think back to the family meal, was something happening then? 

A runner ran down the street below her, his brown hair caught in the wind. Izzy thought about when she and Alec use to run back in Washington. A small smile appeared on Izzy’s face, but as she remembered why they were running she felt her smile fade. After Izzy found out Alec was cutting, she spent hours rehearsing alternatives, one of them was excises, something Alec loved. She and Alec would go running in the morning and the evenings, trying to keep his mind busy. Maybe they should get back into running, it might help. Izzy suddenly realised that she was still stirring her now cold coffee. She gave a sigh as she poured the liquid down the sink and grabbed the coffee pot pouring another one. She hadn’t been able to focus all morning, she was thinking about what to do now, where did they go from here? 

She needed to think of a game plan to help Alec. She grabbed her coffee and went into the living room, pacing the drink on the coffee table. She walked over to the desk and grabbed a note pad and pencil, going back over to the large cream sofa, she lead down on the sofa, her legs pulled up, her note pad resting on it.

As she wrote she heard the front door open, she looked up to see Maryse coming in, her hair pulled up into a tight bun and a fitted black suit. She had left at about 10am to speak to her lawyer Izzy had guessed. Izzy had just potted around waiting for Alec to wake up, she went in and checked on him a few times to make sure he was okay.

“Theres some fresh coffee in the pot if you want some," Izzy said, not looking up from her pad but pointing towards the kitchen with her pen. Maryse walked into the kitchen and a moment later she came out with a white mug of fresh coffee. She walked over and sat down on the sofa chair opposite Izzy.

In the corner of her eye, Izzy could see Maryse’s eyes flicking towards Alec’s room, her hand twitching. Izzy was about to say something when the shower started in Alec’s room.

“I checked on him at about 1:30m, he’s probably only just got up,” Izzy offered. Maryse gave a slight nod, her body seeming to relax a little. 

“So what are you doing Isabelle, homework?” 

“No, no it’s not homework” Izzy replied, her mind focused on her plan for Alec, she looked up to see her mother looking at her. Izzy gave a little sigh, she was so use to dealing with this by herself, but her mother knew now. She pushed herself up on the sofa and placed the notepad down next to her. “It’s a game plan for Alec, how were going to help”

“Good, thats-thats great Izzy,” Maryse replied, she moved forward on the sofa chair. “Um what have you got?”

“Well, I’ve written down all the stuff I use to do and then some small extras,” As Izzy finished her sentence she released that her mother didn’t know what she use to do. She picked up the pad and passed it over to her mother. “So checking his arms in the morning when he wakes up and if he goes out checking them when he comes in.” Izzy hated doing this, she knew Alec hated it. She felt like she was intruding on him, treating him like a child, but it had to be done. “No sharp objects in his room or bathroom, and although giving Alec sometime to himself is good not to much otherwise he will just get into this head, excises, talking to us and finally finding a new course for him,” Izzy sighed as she finished. Her mother was still scanning down the list. Izzy realised that this was all new for her mother, she only found out yesterday about all this.

“Wow thats-you’ve really thought this out” Maryse continued to look at the list, nodding her head, taking it all in.

“Yeah well-“ Before Izzy could continue Maryse interrupted. 

“When did he start?” Maryse’s voice was quite, her eyes not meeting Izzy’s. 

Izzy had told this story twice over the last two days and after this she never wanted to tell it again. “I don’t know exactly but I found out about three months after…” Izzy trailed off, knowing that Maryse knew what she meant.

“How long had be stopped before this?” Maryse was still looking down at the paper.  
“Well, he had his ups and downs, he would stop for a month then start again, then maybe like one week but before this, he was about two months clean…we’d be making some progress.” Izzy gave a sad smile, she really thought Alec was clean.

There waspause in the conversation, only the sound of the shower filling the room. “I had no idea, about either of it,” Maryse said, she put the pad down and stood up from the sofa chair, turning her back to Izzy. “When you found out about the cutting, why didn’t you tell me?” There was a hint of hurt in her voice, she didn’t turn to look at Izzy.

“I promised Alec I wouldn’t, I didn’t want to push him further, plus you already had so much going on and-“

Maryse turned around and Izzy noticed that her eyes were slightly glassy, her hand across her chest, something her mother did when she was trying not to cry. “I might have been able to do something, maybe I could of helped-“

“If I had told you, would you have told Robert?…” Izzy replied, her voice steady and firm. The look that Maryse gave her gave a clear answer; yes. “I wasn’t going to risk that.” Izzy had thought about telling her mom many of times, when it all got to much, but she held it back, she didn’t want to break Alec’s trust.

Maryse walked over and sat next to Izzy, looking at her. “Well, I know now, and I want to-I’m going to help, he's my son,” There was emotion in her voice, and Izzy believed she meant it.

Izzy gave her mother a nod. “Um, how long are we here for?”

“Well, I made some calls and we’ve got a week” Izzy gave a frown, a week? One week? Izzy knew that one week would not be enough to help Alec, he usually need a week to just get over what happened, Maryse must have picked up on her disappointment. “I know its not long but I was thinking after the week is over, Alec could come back home with us?” Izzy gave another frown, she knew Alec well and knew he wouldn’t want that. There was a reason that Alec left Washington and came here. “That way we can keep helping and-“ Before Maryse could finish the bedroom door behind them opened. Both turned around to see Alec walking out, a pair of black jeans and a baseball top. “Alec!”, Maryse called.

Alec gave her a small smile before Izzy stood up and walked over to Alec. Alec understood what Izzy was going to do and pulled up both his sleeves showing Izzy that he had not added to the marks. Izzy studied the marks on Alec’s arm, turning his arm to get a better look. She pulled down his sleeve carefully and looked up at him. “It’s looking better, i’ll grab some bandages in a moment and re do it.” Alec gave her a small smile.

“Want some coffee?” Maryse asked. 

Alec looked over at her, she was stood nervously in the room, “Uh yeah please,” He replied.

Maryse gave him a smile before going into the kitchen. “Hows she doing?,” asked Alec. 

Izzy looked back to the kitchen and gave a small sigh, “I mean it’s a lot to take in and then theres everything with dad…” Alec remembered Izzy mentioning what had happened to their father yesterday, he was gone. Maryse had kicked him out and told him not to come back, Alec was still conflicted about how that made him feel. “I think she's still dealing with it but she’ll be okay,” Alec gave her a smile and walked over to the long sofa sitting down in the corner, pulling his legs up on the sofa.

Maryse walked back into the living room with a large mug of coffee, she handed it over to Alec before taking the sofa opposite him. 

“I’m going to go get changed, i’ll be back in a bit,” with that Izzy disappeared into the room.

There was silence, Alec picked the threads on the bottom of his shirt with his free hand, unsure what to say.

“So how are you feeling today?,” Maryse quietly asked, a nervousness to her voice.

“Umm better thanks,” Alec replied, he wasn’t sure if this was a lie. He did feel better than yesterday but he wouldn't go as far to say he was ‘better’.

“Thats good” Maryse said, a false cheeriness to her voice. Alec looked up from his coffee, Maryse gave a small sigh before leaning forward on the chair. “Listen Alec, I know this must be all very confusing and you must be feeling very alone but I want you to know that I’m going to do anything I can do to help” She gave a smile after finishing and Alec got the instinct feeling that this is how she spoke to patients at work, Alec imagined she had said the phrase ‘I’m going to do anything I can do to help” thousands of times, he wondered how many times she meant it, and if she meant it this time. “Izzy was telling me about the things that you use to do instead of…” She nodded her head towards his wrist, still unable to say the word. “Exercise sounds like a good one, you use to love playing basketball and running,. Central Park must be lovely to run in?” Alec gave her a nod, it suddenly dawned on him what relapsing meant, he had to go through the whole process of recovering again. Izzy checking his wrists, not being allowed to be alone for more than two minutes, having everyone talk to him like he was a glass about to crack. Alec put the coffee down on the table, suddenly not feeling the drink anymore. “Also I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything, and Izzy too of course.” He looked up to see Maryse deep in thought, like she was thinking something through. She looked up from her lap and gave Alec eye contact, “I was also thinking…” She paused, sighing heavily. “Maybe it might be a good idea to get some extra help?” Alec frowned, extra help? Did she mean Jace and Magnus? But she didn’t know about them, did Izzy tell her about them, before Alec’s mind went too far, Maryse continued. “Professional Help maybe?-”

With that Alec jumped up from the sofa, shaking his head. “No way!” He called.

Maryse quickly got up as well, walking over to Alec. “Honey-“

Alec moved farther from her behind the sofa, creating a barrier. “I am not sitting in a room with a stranger for an hour telling them about my life-“ His voice was firm and he hoped she would drop it.

“-It could help” She cried.

“It won’t!” He yelled back, his voice was stern but Alec could feel his hands shaking by his side. He hated the idea of therapy, talking to someone who really didn’t care, them knowing everything about Alec, he hated it.

“Whats going on?” Izzy called as he came back into the room, a denim jumpsuit on with tall back boots. 

“Nothing” Alec said, hoping Maryse would get the hint to drop the conversation, she didn’t.

“I just suggested that maybe we considered that me and you can’t provide the help Alec needs-“

“What do you mean?,” Izzy questioned

“Therapy, talking to someone who is qualified-“ Maryse emphasised the word ‘qualified’ hoping to persuade Alec. 

“Mom,” Izzy sighed, she knew how Alec felt about therapy, having suggested it to him before and getting the same reaction.

Maryse walked over to Alec, who had his back to her. “I’ve seen it work before, one of my patients-“

Alec spun around, his eyes wide and alive like a wild animal trapped in a corner. “I am not one of your patients!” Alec yelled, “You can’t just pass me off to some therapist-”

Maryse shook his head, “I’m not passing you off-“

There was a loud banging at the door, everyone in the room stopped talking, no one moving, then there was a voice. “Maryse”

Everyone in the room froze before Izzy turned her head to Alec, who was froze still.

Maryse straightened her body and turned to Alec who still hadn’t moved. “Alec go into your room” Her voice was firm and unwavering. When Alec didn’t respond she moved closer to him.“Now” She then turned to Izzy “You too” Izzy shock her head “Isabelle-“ Izzy crossed her arms over her chest and stood her ground. “I’m not leaving” Maryse looked like she was going to argue when there was another knock. Without having to be pursued again Alec turned and went into the bedroom, closing the door hard behind him.

Maryse waited till Alec was gone before going to the front door and forcefully opening it, he body blocking the way into the room. “Why are you here” She demanded.

Robert shifted on his feet and sighed. “To talk”

Maryse shook her head. “I’ve said all I need to say”

Robert tired to walk forward but Maryse stepped forward blocking him. “Maryse-“

“Robert I have nothing more to say to you than the divorce papers will be severed to you soon” She went to close the door but Robert held his hand up and pushed it open stepping into the living room.

“Okay this has gone far enough okay” He slammed the door behind him, turning towards Izzy and Maryse.“This is ridiculous!” He cried.

**********

Alec closed the door hard behind him, leaning his back against it. What was he doing here? What did he want? Did he want to talk to Alec? Alec pushed himself off the door and started to pace the room, he could her voices talking on the other side but he couldn’t make out what they were saying. He waked over to the door and placed his ear to it. He could hear Maryse talking about divorce papers and then his fathers voice which seemed to get louder; he was inside the apartment. Alec staggered back from the door, not wanting to hear his fathers voice. He bit his lower lip, pacing the room. He could hear the voices raising from the other side, his mother and father clearly yelling at each other. He couldn’t make out exactly what they were saying but phrases like ‘overreact’, ‘stupid’ ‘attention seeking’ could be heard. Alec walked over to his bed and laid down, for a split second he was back in their home in Washington, his parents outside yelling and screaming while Alec stayed in his room. He could now hear Izzy’s voice joining the screaming, she was yelling something about being ‘a family’ and ‘supporting each other’. He pulled the pillow from under his head and brought it over his face trying to block out the noise, it didn’t work. He jumped up from the bed and snatched his phone from the bedside table and went into the bathroom slamming the door, the voices were muffled but still quietly there, like they were embed in his head. He went over to the shower and turned it on, hoping the noise would drown it out. He went over and sat on the floor with his back against the door. He tried to concentrate on the noise of the shower and the noise it made when it hit the floor, the slight dripping from water droplets from the sink. He started to rub his cut under his long jumper, a slight pain coming through and for a split second he felt the tension leave him, he squeezed a bit harder, another rush went through him. Alec realised he was going down a dangerous road and released his wrist letting it fall to his side. He pull his phone out of his pocket and held it in his hands. He wasn’t sure why he brought the phone in wit him, maybe he could play music. He unlocked the phone and started at the screen unsure what to do. He went onto his messages. The screen was filled with messages, but one stood out to him. It was a series of messages to an unsaved contact; Magnus. Alec had deleted his number after a fit of anger. He clicked onto the messaged, a notification came up on the screen. 

‘ _This is an unknown number, do you wish to add it to contacts?_ ’

Alec hovered over the note, he paused for a moment before clicking yes. He typed Magnus name back into his contacts and clicked save and was about to exit the screen when the voices outside rose again, instead of clicking exit he hit dial. He held the phone up to his ear while it rang, he didn’t know what he was going to say but he as soon as Alec heard Magnus voice on the other end, he felt his shoulders drop, a slight feeling of warmth washing over him.

“Alec?” Magnus’s voice sounded surprised, there was a lightness to it that made Alec give a small smile.

“Hey,” Alec breathed.

“I wasn’t expecting to hear from you so soon, everything all right?” There was a slight nervousness to the question and Alec could understand why, yesterday Alec was laying on Magnus couch after telling him he-Alec shock his head, he had a bad habit of making his mind go to places it shouldn't go.

“Uhh yeah, yeah its all good,” It wasn’t really but Alec was so use to giving that answer that he didn’t even think about it. He could hear the voices again outside and tried to concentrate on the shower again but it didn’t work, his hand squeezed tighter round the phone.

“Is-is that a shower I can hear?,” Magnus asked.

“Um yeah I’m in the bathroom,” Alec stuttered.

“You’re ringing me from the shower?” Magnus gave a little laugh at the end.

“No-no I’m not in the shower-no one is its just on to-it’s a long story,” Alec sighed, maybe this wasn’t the best idea. He pulled his out stretched legs up to his chest, resting his chin on it holding the phone to his ear. The shower had become background noise now and Alec could hear his mother yelling about something, his father then doing it back and then Izzy screaming. Once again Alec was sat alone watching his family fall apart, and once again it was hit fault.

“Alec, you sure everything is okay?” Alec got up from the floor and walked over to the shower shutting it off, the steam from the shower making it difficult to breath. “Alec, talk to me?” Magnus voice was soft, there was no forcefulness to it. 

Alec walked back over to the floor and sat down, his legs outstretched again. “I needed something to drown out the sound so I put the shower on but the room got too steamy so I had to turn it off” As Alec spoke he realised how stupid and crazy he probably sounded.

“Why do you need to drown out the noise?” Magnus inquired, no judgement in his voice.

Alec reached his free hand out and started picking at the threads of his ripped jeans. “There arguing” Alec quietly said.

“Who is?” Alec could hear shifting from the other end of the phone, like Magnus was standing up from his sofa.

“My parents, and Izzy” Alec looked up and rested his head against the back of the door.

“Wait your dad is there?” There was a sudden urgency to Magnus voice, his voice rising slightly.

“He came by, I’m not sure what for probably to yell at my mom, she's divorcing him.” As Alec talked he realised what was actually happening to his parents. This wasn’t like when they had little arguments and their dad would storm out for a few hours or stay in a hotel for the weekend, they were getting divorced, ending there marriage; because of him. 

“Are you okay?” Alec could hear the subliminal question Magnus was asking.

“Yeah, I haven't done anything stupid don’t worry” He continued to pull the threads from his jeans and listened carefully to the other end of the phone.

“Thats good, little steps right?” Alec could hear as Magnus moved around again, the phone because a little more echoey, Magnus was probably in his kitchen.

“Yeah, little steps” Alec repeated. As it went quite he could hear his dad again. “Hows class going?’ Alec asked, he needed something to take his mind off the noise outside.

He heard Magnus shuffling and then stop; he was probably sitting down again. “It’s going good thanks, we got given another report to do which isn’t fun but he promised that would be the last one for a while, not sure I believe him though, the man just has a face of a liar” Alec gave a laugh at this, knowing exactly what Magnus meant. Alec and Magnus continued to talk for the next ten minutes, Magnus did most of the talking, telling him about his family and what it was like growing up in New York, why he choose this course and Uni, how he met Tessa. As Alec listened to Magnus talk he had a smile on his face, Magnus spoke with such enthusiasm about Tessa and New York, he couldn’t help but smile.Alec spoke a bit too, about what his plan was, maybe starting to go running again and maybe looking at a new course he wasn’t to sure. Magnus offered his help whenever he needed it and Alec thanked him. Alec knew the next week wasn’t going to be the easiest, it never was after he relapsed, but knowing Magnus was around the help made him feel a little better, like he wasn’t alone. 

There was a knock on the door behind him. Alec moved forward and stood up, facing the door. 

“Alec, its Izzy” Her voice was now quite and Alec hadn’t even realised they had stopped arguing, there voices drowning out when he spoke to Magnus.

“Everything all right Alec?” Magnus asked as Alec went silent.

“Yeah its Izzy, I think my dads gone now, I should probably go see what happened” 

“Yeah, feel free to call back if you need a chat?” Magnus offered.

“Yeah, I will” Alec said, Magnus’s voice was calming and Alec could already feeling himself missing it. “Thanks Magnus” He said.

“It’s my pleasure Alexander” Magnus softly replied.

Alec clicked the phone off and put it into his pocket. He opened the door and Izzy slipped in closing it behind herself. She leaned against the door just like Alec did. Alec walked over to her and stood next to her, after a moment she slide down the door, sitting crossed legged on the floor. Alec copied her movement, sitting next to her on the floor.

“He’s gone now” Izzy quietly said, she was looking down at her black boots. Alec could she the rims of her eyes were puffy, her eyes slight glassy and red. Alec hated seeing Izzy cry, he would stop it from happening however he could and anyone who made her cry should hope Alec never finds them.

“You alright?” Alec asks, looking forward, knowing Izzy hates it when people look at her after she's been crying.

“Yeah I’ll be okay” She said, giving Alec a little smile. “What about you?” She asked.

“Yeah I’m good, I was talking to Magnus on the phone” He looked over at Izzy, her smile had grown a little, a playful look on her face, Alec could guess what put it on there.

“Hows he doing?” She asked.

“He’s good” Alec said, he didn’t go into details of their conversation. Izzy gave a nod and her head when back to looking at the floor. Her eyes seemed to glass over, like her mind was somewhere else. “Izzy…whats going on?” Alec quietly asked, his eyes still locked on her.

She didn’t say anything for a moment, then looked up at Alec. He was’t sure if there were fresh tears in her eyes or the light was just hitting them. “There getting divorced, its over, Moms getting the documents to him this week, she wants it over with quick” She gave a small nod. Alec thought about what Izzy was saying and it still didn’t seem real. He thought he would he happy, overjoyed that his father was leaving, but he wasn’t and he could tell Izzy was the same. Both siblings should be excited but both were left with a sadness that neither had expected.

“How is she?” Alec asked, thinking of his mother, she may be angry at him but he was still her husband on over 20 years.

“She’s angry, think its 20years of anger coming out all at once, Mom told dad that she wouldn’t let me stay with him, that he was ‘toxic’. He said she couldn’t do that and would take her to court” Izzy rambled, Alec slowly looked over to Izzy, her head was bowed, her small and hands fidgeting in her lap. “I don’t want to stay with dad” Her voice was quite, she sounded like she did when she was a child. Alec hadn’t thought about Izzy in all of this. She was 16, not legally an adult so their parents would have to have a custody battle because Alec was sure that his parents wouldn't agree. Alec felt a pang of guilt shoot through his body. He shifted closer to Izzy and put his arm around her shoulder. “Don’t worry, mom wont let that happen, neither will I” She turned around and gave him a large smile, Alec returned the smile. Izzy rested her head on Alec’s should and Alec gave her shoulder a small squeeze.

“I love you hermano” Izzy said.

“Love you too Izzy” The siblings sat together in silence just enjoying each others company.

There was a knock from the door behind. “Alec, Jace is here to see you” Alec pulled his arm off of Izzy as they both stood up. Alec opened the door, Maryse was stood there, Alec turned to Izzy and she gave him a smile, like she was telling him it’s okay to go. Alec gave her a smile back before walking out of the bathroom, through the bedroom to the living room where Jace was stood in the door way. Izzy and Maryse walked pass Alec and went into the kitchen, leaving the boys alone.

“Hey,” Alec said, he walked across the room to the door way.

Jace shifted on his feet and had his arms crossed over his chest, leaning against the doorframe. “Hey, sorry to just drop by I didn’t want to interrupt anything-“

Alec reached the door way, shaking his head, crossing his own arms over his chest. “No, no it’s all good” There was a pause for a moment for Alec realised that Jace was still stood in the door way. He moved out of the way and motioned for Jace to come inside. “Want anything to drink or anything?”

Jace gave Alec a smile as he pushed himself off the door frame and walked into the apartment. “No no its all good,” Jace said. The boys walked over to the centre of the room. Alec sat down on the edge of the large sofa and Jace opposite, just like Alec’s mother was earlier. “I just came by to drop something off” Jace reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a small white piece of paper with some writing on it. He handed it over to Alec. As Alec reached over the words on the paper started to focus and the words came into Alec’s head. He took the paper from Jace’s hand and looked down at it. 

 

_Dear Alec,_

_Happy birthday honey hope you had a great day you deserve it. So proud of everything you have done and achieved and so proud of where you are going._

_Love you always Alexander - Mom xoxo_

 

Alec knew what was on the back of the paper, the image forever burned into his mind like a brand, His hand gripped the picture tighter, he felt conflicted, part of him wanted to turn it over and look at his little brothers face, the light in his eyes and the smile on his face, the lightwood children; all happy and all together. Then there was another part of him, a part that was telling him to leave the picture face down, not to look at his little face as it would remind him he would never see it again. 

“I was looking for a piece of work I did and I thought maybe you’d picked it up by mistake so I opened your draw and…I thought you might want it back,” Jace quite said. Alec kept looking down at the back of the picture. Slowly he turned it over, the three faces smiling up at him. It was two years ago since that day, two years. As Alec thought about it, this was the last time Alec truly felt happy and content. After Max died everything changed, there was no happiness in the house, the house stopped being a home and just a placed filled with people, each doing their own thing. There was no family after Max was gone, just a shell of a family. Alec wondered if he’d ever get his family back.

“Whoa what happened here?” Alec looked up from the picture to see Jace with avery concerned face, his eyebrows knitted together in worry. Alec followed his eye line to the large wooden desk on the side, next to it a smashed blue floral vase. Alec squinted his eyes wondering when that happened, it wasn't broke earlier-it then clicked in Alec’s mind.

He gave a sigh, putting the picture down in front of him. “Oh that-that was probably my dad,” Alec remembered after what happened to Max his fathers temper increased, whenever it got to much, something would smash; a vase; a phone; a mirror Alec wondered if it would ever increase into something else.

Jace stopped looking at the vase and back to Alec. “Your dad?”

Alec reached up and rubbed his forehead. “Yeah, it’s-it’s complicated, my-my moms divorcing my dad and he’s not to happy about it and he stopped by today and,” Alec realised he was rambling and that Jace probably didn’t want to hear about Alec’s problems.

Jace gave a sad sigh, shaking his head. “Oh crap Alec I’m, I’m so sorry that must really suck”

“To be honest its probably a long time coming,” Alec didn’t even think about what he said, it just came out, but the statement was true. His parents had fallen out of love a long time ago, even before what happened to Max.

“I’m sorry Alec,” Jace replied, Alec gave a small nod, he was about to say thank you when Jace continued. “You know family is an odd thing, you grow up and you’re taught that ‘family is family no matter what’ and ‘you must love your family no matter what’” Alec looked at Jace wondering where he was going. Alec remembered how his mother use to say that to him whenever his fathers temper would increase, his nanny would say that to him when his parents left him alone with the nanny. His mother and his father were his family and he had to love them no matter what. “I think its crap,” Jace confidently said. “Your family doesn’t just get a free pass because thereyour family, if they mess up they need to accept that and change, and if they don’t then you don’t just have to accept it because their family, it’s okay to cut them off if there toxic.” As Jace spoke Alec could feel the emotions coming through, Alec remembered Jace talking about losing his father when he was younger, how he had to live with another family, Alec guessed that Jace was talking from experience rather than just assuming. “Cutting ties with toxic people doesn’t make you a bad person. “ Jace finished talking, giving Alec a small supportive smile. 

“Thanks Jace” Alec’s voice gave way a little at the end, his emotions seeping through.

“Just sharing my wisdom,” Jace laughed. “Listen I know you’ve got a lot going on and stuff so I understand if you say no but do you wanna go down to the basketball courts tomorrow, see if I can kick your ass this time?” 

As Alec thought about it, he looked at Jace, someone who Alec could tell was closed off from people, probably had his own issues but was sat here trying to help Alec even though Alec has not made it easy. “Yeah that sounds good,” Alec replied, giving Jace a smile back.

“Sorry to interrupt, Jace would do you want to stay for tea?” Alec turned around to see Maryse stood in the door of the kitchen

Jace stood up from the sofa. “Thank you for the offer-“

“-Maryse” 

“Maryse, um thank you for the offer but I’m meant to be having dinner with Clary and I think she’d kill me if I missed it,” Jace joked, Alec gave a small laugh and stopped up from the sofa. Maryse gave them a smile before going back into the kitchen. Jace and Alec walked towards the front door, Alec reaching out to open it.

Jace walked towards the door frame and turned around to face Alec “So should I stop by at like 11?”

Alec gave a small nod. “Yeah that sounds good”

“Loser buys lunch again?” Jace said, a playful smile on his face.

“Better bring your life savings” Alec mocked. Jace gave a large laugh, a smile on his face. He turned to leave when Alec spoke up.

“Jace…thank you” Jace gave a small smile, he reached out and patted Alec's shoulder before taking off down the hallway. Alec paused before closing the door behind. He turned around to see his mother coming out the kitchen,

“Isabelle and I have ordered some Chinese for dinner, don’t worry I ordered your favourite. Now go wash up and then help Isabelle lay the table will you?” Alec gave a nod, he quickly walked over to the coffee table and picked up the picture that Jace had given him. He walked back over to his bedroom going inside. Alec gave a large sigh as he walked over to the side of his bed, sitting down. He looked down at the picture in his hand, unsure what to do with it. For so long he had kept it hidden, under his bed, in a cupboard, somewhere he couldn't see. Seeing Max's face brought back feelings of guilt and anger, just reminding him how unfair life can be. As he looked down at the smiling face and the bright alive eyes, the guilt was still there, Alec was convinced that would never leave, but there was no anger, instead just a sadness, not overbearing but sitting at the surface, giving Alec some hope that the feeling might leave. He looked at it for a little longer before laying it on his bedside table, facing up. He could hear Izzy and his mother talking outside. He walked over to his bathroom and washed his hands. He looked up from the sink into the mirror. His face had some more colour to it, not to hollow. His blue eyes that had seem dulled had some life back in them, not all of it he wasn't sure it would all fully return but it was as if a spark had been formed in them. He walked out of the room when he felt his pocket vibrate. He reached in and pulled out his phone. Alec felt some breath leave his lungs, the name Magnus, flashed across the screen.

_ Hope everything is alright now, feel free to call me if you need anything or just fancy a chat. While things may seem hard now I can promise you they will get better. I hope to see you soon but remember to put yourself first, you are important Alexander - remember that. _

Alec felt a smile on his face, his cheeks feeling warm. He put the phone back into his pocket reminding himself to reply after dinner. He walked towards the bedroom door and opened it. As he walked back into the living room he could hear Izzy and Maryse talking in the kitchen, he could hear Izzy giving a small laugh, something he hadn't heard in a while. He quietly walked towards the kitchen, the door was open, he leaned against the door frame and looked in. Izzy was stood by the counter pulling plates out of the cupboard staking them up chatting to her mother about school, excitement in her voice. Maryse was pouring drinks into cups, sparking water for Maryse, orange juice for Izzy and black coffee for Alec. Maryse was nodding her head turning to Izzy occasionally giving her a sweet smile. Neither of them had noticed that Alec was stood there. Alec had assumed that after Max he would never have a family again, that it had been shattered into thousands pieces. He didn't say anything as his sister smiled and laughed, his mother smiling back,  he just stood and watched as his family pieced themselves back together.


	14. Honesty part.1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So some housekeeping to do before the fic!  
> 1\. So so so sorry its late! I've recently started university so I've been crazy busy lately so I do deeply apologies for that!  
> 2\. On a related note to uni my updates are going to be slightly delayed because of my schedule, I'll try and keep them as regular as I can and keep you updated when I'm posting  
> 3.Hope you guyss enjoy the fic and as always please feel free to leave comments, love ya guyss!
> 
> Lots of malec in the next few chapters hope you enjoyyyy  
> -A♥

Alec pushed the few remaining blueberries around his plate, the dark purple juice streaking across the white china. Alec could hear his mother and sister talking across the table, he wasn’t really sure what they were talking about, his mind wasn’t focused on them. His eyes kept following the fruit across his plate, his silver knife making little nosies as it connected with the plate. Alec hadn’t felt good when he woke up. He hadn’t slept much the night before and frustratingly he wasn’t sure why. He had gone to bed happy, his small family had began to piece itself back together, but throughout the night Alec felt that warm feeling starting to fade, an emptiness replacing it. Alec had thought he was watching his family put themselves back together before and they had just fallen apart again, Alec had been down this road so many times he had lost count. He would start to get better, think things were going to be okay and then the guilt and anger would drag him back to the start for the whole cycle to repeat itself. He had had a shower to try and clear his head, it was as a dark mist was surrounding him, making things blurry and unsure, a certain numbness. This wasn’t new to Alec, on his bad days he got this numb feeling, like he was detached from everything around him. The numbness made it easier sometimes, it would temporality block the guilt and anger, pushing them back giving Alec some peace, even for a short while. Alec stuck his fork into the blueberry and picked it up off the plate looking at it. His mother had cooked him blueberry pancakes for breakfast, she was trying to be warm and affection to Alec, giving him tare loving smiles whenever she could, but they just seemed to bounce off, Alec had visited his mother at work and seen her give the same smiles and words of encouragement to her patients. Thats what Alec felt like; a patient. Someone that needed to be watched constantly and monitor

red at all times of the day. Even before his other knew, Izzy never like to leave Alec for too long, over the year it had got worse, Izzy had seen Alec stumble and fall so many times she always had her eye on him like he was a small child. When Alec walked out of his bedroom this morning his mother was waiting in the living room, her eyes following Alec, Izzy had checked his arms and watched as he walked into the kitchen. They had been trying to talk to him all morning, giving him smiles whenever he looked up and never letting there be silence.

Days likes these were dangerous, Alec would get trapped in his own mind, his thoughts wandering to places it shouldn’t go.

“Everything okay sweetie?,” Alec looked up from his blueberry to see his mother looking at him, her eyes were wide but yet focused, her eyes wondering around his face, a slight tension in her face.

“Hu?,” Alec replied, putting his fork back down onto the plate.

His mother leaned forward on the table, her hands clasped in front of her like she was at a meeting. “You’ve been staring at that blueberry for about 10 minutes,”

Alec looked down at his almost cleared plate, the longer he looked at the broken and smashed blueberries he noticed how their colour appeared more red, a thickness to them that resembled blood. “Uh yeah just thinking,” Alec took a breath and pushed his plate away from him, suddenly finding the blueberries unappetising.

“About what?,” His mother inquired, he eyes still trained on him. Alec started to squirm under her gaze. He felt like he was in some interview or integration. He stood up from the table and picked up his plate.

“Just stuff,” Alec said as he also picked up his sisters plate. He looked over at Maryse who looked less than satisfied with the answer. “I’m fine” He insisted with a sigh. He walked over to the kitchen and placed the dished in the dishwasher. He leaned on the sink, his face looking down into the clean bowl, a few drops of water running down the edge.

“One of those days?” Alec jumped as Izzy spoke. He turned around to see Izzy walking into the kitchen, her black leather skirt swaying as she walked. She walked over to the counter to where Alec was standing and leaned against it.

“I’m fine Izzy,” Alec sighed as he placed the rest of the cups into the dishwasher before closing it and turning to face Izzy.

She had her head tilted to the side and her arms crossed over her black crop top, a stance that told Alec she wasn’t buying what he was selling. “Thats what you always say Alec,” It was true, when he was having a bad day he would never tell Izzy. She would either never know about them or find out the hard way.

Alec pushed himself off the counter and started to head out of the kitchen, speaking over his shoulder to her. “Izzy, I’m fine, I was just thinking”

Izzy uncrossed her arms and reached out to grabs Alec’s bicep to keep him from moving. Alec stopped moving, an annoyed sigh leaving his lips. Izzy walked around to stand in front of Alec, her large eyes looking up at him “Alec the point of you being here is for us to help you?,” Alec gave another sigh, he knew Izzy would be protective after this and he knew she was just trying to help him but it didn’t change how frustrating it could be. “We can’t do that if you don’t tell us when you need help?“ Alec tried to advert his sisters gaze but she always found his eyes, looking up at him almost pleading.

Alec shifted awkwardly on his feet, shoving his hands into his pocket. He quickly squeezed his eyes shut and open again before answering “I’m just feeling a little tired today, thats all” Alec was feeling tired that was true, but was that all? Izzy squinted her eyes, studying Alec’s face. “Nothing major” He tried to reassure. He gave her a smile and was about to walk out of the kitchen when his mother came in, blocking the exit trapping Alec in the kitchen.

She uncrossed her arms and let them fall next to her. “Alec is there any chance I could talk to you for a moment?” Her voice was slow and quite, like she didn’t want to startle him. Alec give a small nod walking back towards the sink leaning on it. Maryse walked into the kitchen and pass Izzy who headed out the kitchen, not before giving Alec a finale look.

There was a heavy uncomfortable silence in the room, Alec was looking down at his shoes, how his laces just touch the floor. “So how are you feeling today?” His mother finally asked. Alec looked up, she was also leaning on the counter opposite Alec.

Alec gave a small nod. “A bit tired but yeah I’m good” He felt like he had said that phrase about a hundred times today.

She gave a smile, rubbing her hands in front of her. “Thats good, so have you got any plans for today?”  
Alec looked around the room, trying to advert his mothers eyes. “Yeah I’m seeing Jace” He quietly said, looking out the window at the busy street below 

Maryse crossed her arms over her chest, keeping her eyes on Alec. “Oh yes, I remember you saying” Alec gave her a little smile before pushing himself off the sink and walking towards the door. “What time are you leaving?” His mother spoke, stopping him in his tracks.

“Um 11” Alec replied, his eyes looking at the doorway which he desperately wanted to escape through.

“And what time are you coming back?” She asked with interest.

Alec took a step back from her, leaning against a cupboard behind him, replying with a sigh.“I’m not sure, depends how long the game lasts?”

There was a silence again, Alec was about to push himself off the side when his mother moved forward, walking towards him. “Are you sure you are okay sweetie?” Alec looked down at the floor below him, his mothers close proximity causing him to sink further against the counter.“Just remember you can talk to me or Isabelle about anything, we’re here to help you” Alec looked up from the floor to his mother, her eyes were wide and she had a sympathetic smile on her face, while she was trying to sound sincere in her words they just came across as condescending to Alec. He looked towards the exit to the kitchen and to his disappointment the light that crept through was blocked by his sister, who was now leaning against the door. “Moms right, were here to help”

Alec was trying to look away from his sister and mother but found the space feeling smaller, the blurriness he felt this morning now felt sharpe, but not a good clear sharpe. More like there were a thousand bright lights on him and there was nowhere to hide. There was a loud knock at the door

Alec looked at the clock, dead on 11. “Thats Jace” Alec sighed. He pushed off the counter and ducted pass his mother, walking pass Izzy out of the kitchen. Alec could hear Izzy calling his name but walked out, grabbing his backpack off the coffee table. He reached the door and pulled it open. Jace was stood there in a grey tank top, a pair of black Nike sweatpants. “Ready?” Jace asked, his usual grin on his face.

Alec turned around to see Izzy stood in the kitchen door way, her eyes; like his mothers, never leaving Alec “Yep” He said. 

“Alec-” His mother called as she quickly walked out of the kitchen.

“I’ll be back later, I’ll text you,” Alec called as he left the apartment, closing the door behind him. He walked down the hall with Jace, pulling his bag onto his shoulder.

“Everything all right?,” Jace asked. Alec looked over at Jace, he felt a slight weight having lifted from his shoulders since leaving the apartment, he didn’t feel trapped anymore, like he was being watched twenty-four seven.

“Yeah, yeah all good” Alec said. The boys reached the large lift at the end of the hall.

“Dam this is a nice building” Jace said as he stepped into the lift. Alec gave a small laugh. It was true, the hotel complex was nice, his parents would only have the best when staying away. “How was dinner with Clary last night?,” Alec asked as he followed Jace into the lift, leaning his back against the large mirror, putting his hands into his black joggers.

He looked over at Jace, who's face had gone slightly red while shifting on his feet. “Great, yeah it was really good, she’s a great cook” The lift binged as the door opened onto the ground floor. Both of the boys walked out into the lobby towards the large golden doors. “She said you should come by sometimes, have dinner or something?.,” Jace asked.

Alec looked over at Jace, his eyebrows knitted together. “Will Simon be there?”

Jace gave a loud laugh as they walked out into the street. He gave a small shake of his head. “You know what, the kids not half bad?” Alec gave Jace a hard frown, he had only met Simon once but the kid talked and talked a lot. “Okay I’m not saying he’s going to be my best friend forever I’m just saying I can survive being in a room with him for an hour, more than an hour then there could be trouble” Alec and Jace gave a laugh as they walked down towards the Courts. As they walked Jace talked about Clary and how their relationship was going. He tried to insist that while they were in a relationship it was ‘early stages’ and he wasn't ‘rushing into anything’ but by the way Jace’s face lite up whenever he spoke about her and how he spoke a little bit quicker with a small grin on his face he was pretty sure Jace was in deep with this girl. Jace also talked about his History course and what his work load was like and everything else in his life. Alec liked to listen to Jace talk, he had this carefree attitude when he spoke, like he wasn’t thinking about every word that left his mouth, making sure it was okay. Jace asked Alec a few questions, and Alec noticed that his carefree attitude faded slightly, he was more careful when talking to Alec, watching his face carefully to see how he reacted. The boys reached the campus and walked around to the courts. Luckily the basketball courts were empty. Jace and Alec walked towards the metal gates and pushes it open with a creak. They walked into the court and both put there bags down onto the floor, Alec knelt down next to his bag and opened it pulling out a bottle of water. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and put it into his bag, standing up. As he stood he felt his wrist twinge, he involuntarily hissed slightly. “Your wrist alright?,” Jace asked, looking concerned at Alec. Alec opened his mouth but found didn’t know what to say. Alec trusted Jace, there was no denying that, Jace was never judgemental, he always seemed open and willing to listen. Alec could tell Jace, Jace properly deserved the truth after everything Alec had put him through. 

“Yeah it fine” Alec replied with a smile. He released his wrist. Maybe Jace deserved the truth, but Alec couldn't and he didn’t know why. Alec was about to throw the ball when his bag started to make a noise, he looked over, he recognised the noise; it was his phone. Alec gave a sigh as he walked over quickly unzipping the bag. As he picked up his phone Izzy’s name flashed across the screen. He waited for the phone to stop ringing before quickly sending her a text to say he was at the courts and was all fine. He put the phone back into his bag and zipped it up. “All good?” Jace asked as Alec walked over.

“Yeah, yeah it was just my sister” Alec said holding the ball under his arm.

“Hows she doing?,” Jace asked as Alec threw him the ball.

“Um yeah she’s-she’s doing okay I guess” Alec stumbled. Jace dribbled the ball on the floor passing it back to Alec. “Think this whole divorce thing has shaken her up a bit” Alec admitted.

Jace gave a small nod with his head, catching the ball from Alec. “Must be hard,” Jace said. “For all of you” He followed. Alec thought about it, was the divorce hard for him? He still didn’t know. He still didn’t partially want to see his father again but there was still an underlying sadness he felt about the impending split.

"We're getting through it" Alec replied, watching as Jace dibbled the ball. 

"How's your mom doing?" Jace tentatively asked, watching Alec.

Alec didn't really know to be honest. She seemed okay about it, she didn't seem to broken up about it. To be honest she seemed more focused on Alec, maybe when he started to get better she might start to feel the pain, might start to regret her choice. "She'll be okay" Alec replied, the only answer he could think off.

Jace gave a small nod, sensing that maybe Alec wasn't that comfortable with this conversation “So first to 10?,” Jace called as he threw the ball between his hands. Alec looked up from the floor. Jace must of sensed his uneasiness Alec thought 

“20?” Alec replied, dribbling the ball on the court. 

“Sounds good” Jace smirked. "I'm going to win this time by the way, no going easy on you" Jace called as he started to run with the ball. Alec gave a smirk as he moved forward towards Jace, bouncing around before swiping the ball from Jace and sending it straight into the net. The ball bounced on the floor, Alec picked it up and turned to face Jace who was shaking his head.

Alec threw the ball towards Jace who caught it, his annoyed look still on his face. "What were you saying?" Alec joked. Jace gave a small chuckle, shaking his head.

The boys kept playing, Alec scoring then Jace then Alec. They joked around as they played, taking the piss out of each others skills. Alec missed playing basketball, he use to play a lot as a child but then it sort of faded into the background. It was odd how something as simple as playing basketball could make Alec feel better, he was able to release his angers and frustrations in a better way than he had before. As they played the ball flew through the air and crashed into the net flying back down the ground where Jace caught it.

“Crap!!” Jace cried as he threw the ball towards Alec. He reached up and pushed his hair from his face trying to catch his breath. “I don’t understand you grew up in Washington, do they even have basketball courts?!” Jace walked over to Alec shaking his head.

Alec gave a laugh as he dribbled the ball. “Just a natural talent I guess” Alec gave a joking shrug of his shoulder as he threw the ball towards Jace.

“I can still get this back,” Jace said, folding his arms over his chest.

“You said that last time and I kicked your ass” Alec joked, throwing the ball back to Jace. Alec shock his head and dashed passed Alec trying to score a point. The boys continued their game for a little longer before Alec threw the finale shot, the ball going straight down the net, before bouncing on the floor.

“I am never playing this with you again” Jace called as he picked up the ball from the floor. Alec laughed as Jace walked over to his bag putting the ball back in.

Alec walked over to his own bag grabbing a drink of his water. “Don’t be a crappy loser” Alec joked, putting the water bottle back into his bag. Alec walked over to where Jace was standing, pulling his backpack over his shoulder. “You tried your best-”

“Screw you ass hat” Jace jabbed, shaking his head, a small smile on his face.

“Ass hat?” Alec mocked.

“shut up” Jace laughed, picking his bag up from the floor “So where do you wanna get lunch?” Jace sighed,pushing his hair away from his face.

Alec look around the courts thinking. Jace looked over towards campus then over towards the streets. “We could just go back to the apartment and order something in?” Alec thought about it. He felt an odd feeling in his stomach at the thought of going back to the apartment, the memories of that still lingering, Alec realised he was thinking to much, he would have to go back there eventually after Izzy and mom left. He looked back from Campus towards Jace. “Yeah that sound like a plan, your still paying right?” Alec mocked as he walked towards the gate.

“Ass hat” Jace called as he pushed Alec’s shoulder.

The silver elevator pinged open as the boys stepped into the landing, walking down the hall towards Alec’s old dorm. Jace pushed the key into the lock and pushed open the door stepping in throwing his bag onto the bed. Alec stepped in and closed the door behind him. Alec looked around, the room was basically the same. A few more pictures had found there way onto Jace’s wall and more texts books littered his desk. Alec looked over at his old bed. The sheets were tucked in neatly and it was clear no one had slept on it. Jace walked over to his cupboard and pulled out another pair of grey joggers and black tank top. “Mind if I take a quick shower?” Jace asked.

“No, no its fine, go ahead” Alec replied as he sat down in his desk chair. 

“You’ve still go some clothes in the cupboard, feel free to get changed if you want” With that Jace went into the bath room closing the door. The sound of the shower came on, the only sound of the room. Alec pushed himself out of the chair and walked over to the cupboard. He pulled open the doors and looked inside. He grabbed a pair of black jeans and a long sleeve grey henley tops. He quickly changed into his jeans, throwing them onto the floor next to the bed. He pulled his top off and dropped it down by the jeans. Alec looked down at his bandaged, he only noticed now how his wrist was throbbing, small dots of blood on the bandage. He clenched his fist, a shooting pain shot up his arm, he gave a small hiss. Alec unclenched his fist, giving it a small shake. Alec had almost completely forgot about his wrist up until now, the memory of it fading towards to back. He liked forgetting, it game him some normality, like things were back to way they were, Alec looked back down at the bandage, but things weren't like the way they were. Alec squinted his eyes, once again his mind was wondering. He pulled his shirt over his head, pulling the sleeves down. He walked over to his bag and pulled out his phone. He sighed.

 

_12:12pm: Hi honey, hope everything is going okay and you are having a nice time, love you - mom_

_12:20pm: Its mom again, hope you and Jace are having a nice time, give me a text to tell me you’re okay, love you - mom_

_12:30pm: Alec, could you give mum a text, she worried about you. Hope you’re having a nice time love you lots hermano xoxoxo_

_12:35pm: Give me a text Alexander - mom_

_12:37pm: Alec please text me or mom, she's freaking out worried about you, xoxoxo_

 

Alec reached up and rubbed his head, giving another sigh. Alec’s feeling of normal was shattered, the harsh reality of his situation coming into focus. Alec wasn’t just a normal teenager playing basketball with his friend while his sister and mother were at home having fun. Alec was a teenager that had seen too much too young, who was out playing basketball to try and forget that he had slipped up and had to start recovery again, forget that his parents were getting a divorce; because of him, his mother and sister were at an apartment waiting for him to get back, pacing the floor and checking there phones. Alec wondered if it would ever stop, their constant worrying. It suddenly dawned on him why he didn’t want to tell Jace the truth, why he was so reluctant. He wanted one person that looked at him like he was a person, not something fragile that could be broken by a single touch. Jace was already slightly careful around Alec, he knew something was going on, if he knew everything, would he even bother. Alec was sure his mind would continue down this path had his phone not started to ring in his hand. He looked down. Izzy. He brought the phone up to his ear. “I’m fine Izzy” He said before she could get a word out of her mouth.

“I’ve been texting you since 12 and you’re only now telling me that?” There was a hint of anger in her voice, but that was overshadowed by the worry that was clearly there.

Alec stood up from the bed, walking around in a small circle. “We were walking back Izzy, I couldn’t hear my phone”

There was a pause on the other end, Izzy was clearly thinking about what to say, wether to continue telling Alec off or let it go. There was a small sigh from the other end. “Sorry its just…” There was another sign from his sister. “Moms been freaking out and I guess it rubbed off a bit” This time it was Alec who sighed. Of course his mother was worrying.

Alec didn’t say anything for a while, he walked back over to the bed and sat down on the edge. “Izzy…” Alec paused not sure what to say. He wanted to comfort his sister but didn’t know how to, it was never his best suit. He rubbed his face, resting his forehead in his hand. “I’m okay”

“I know but… you’ve said that so many times Alec you’ve gotta understand its-its-” There was a frustrated sigh from Izzy.

“Hard to believe me?,” Alec offered. He could understand it. Alec was never fond of telling the truth. Not that he liked to lie but sometimes it was easier just to just say ‘yeah I’m fine’ than to explain what was wrong. Growing up Alec had watched his parents lie effortlessly, there once sincere ‘I love you’s’ became empty statements.

“I just worry about you Alec, you’re my brother, I love you” Alec gave a small smile, he could feel the love from Izzy, the pair might not always get on but nothing would ever change the love between them. Alec was about to say something but then he heard Izzy sigh and felt an uneasy feeling in his chest. “Maybe…maybe-“ Alec could tell Izzy was struggling with what to say. "Maybe mom was right?"

"About what?" Alec questioned, he sat on the edge of the bed, brushing his hair away from his face. Izzy didn't say anything, Alec could just here her sigh on the other end.  “What?,” Alec snapped. He didn’t like the way this conversation was going, Izzy’s voice was uneasy which made Alec feel uneasy.

“Nothing, never mind” Izzy quickly said.

“Izzy?,” Alec forcefully said.

“Look its nothing Alec forget I said anything, just-just call me if you need anything okay?,” Izzy stuttered, clearly agitated.

Alec was going to push Izzy to complete what she was going to say but he heard the bathroom door click open. “Alright” He quickly replied before clicking the phone off and throwing it onto the bed, it bouncing slightly before becoming to a stop.

“Everything alright?” Jace asked, stepping out of the bathroom in his new clothes, using a towel to quickly dry his hair.

Alec shook his head, sitting down on the edge of bed. “Yeah, yeah just my sister worrying about me thats all” Alec ran his hand through his hair, slightly tugging the ends, frustration still in his body, clearly the basketball not getting rid of all the stress.

Jace walked over to the edge of his own bed and sat down “Yeah she seems to worry a lot, its cute” Jace chuckled, however he stopped when he saw the uneasy look on Alec’s face. His eyes looking down to the floor, bitting his lower lip. “Or not, was that a douche thing to say?” He stuttered, shaking his head. He had started to be so careful when he spoke to Alec, he was sure there was so much he didn't know about the boy and his family and he didn't want cause any extra stress with what was happening with his parents and whatever else was going on. Although Alec never said it, Jace could tell that there was something else going on, when he looked at Alec he could see his eyes somewhere else, like he was always thinking about something, something was always on his mind.

Alec looked up from the floor, meeting Jace’s worried eye. Alec was extremely tried of peoples worried eyes, for once he wanted to look at someone and have them look back at him normal. “No, no its just-things are just…my sister and my mum are being really-“ 

“Protective?,” Jace finished.

They were being protective but it felt like more to Alec was a prisoner at the house or a patient. “Yeah guess you could say that, my moms treating me like one of her patients, constantly checking up on my and watching me and worried I'm going to do something stupid or…” Alec stopped talking. He stopped himself from rambling on and talking to much. Alec looked at Jace who was watching Alec with a careful eye. Alec quickly stood up from the bed turning his back to Jace. For once he wanted to feel like someone wasn’t watching him, but he could feel Jace’s eyes on his back.

Jace didn’t move from the bed sensing that Alec wanted some space.“Listen Alec, I’m not going to force you or make you tell me anything but you can trust me-“

Alec turned around to face Jace again, folding his arms over his chest protectively. “No, no Its not that, I do trust you Jace its just-things are complicated” Complicated was an understatement Alec thought.

There was a pause. Alec walked over to the edge of the bed but instead of sitting down on the bed he sat down on the floor just in front of the bed. His back against the bed, looking up at the celling. “Theres a lot more going on than I know isn’t there?” Jace quietly asked.

Alec pulled his legs up from the floor, his arms wrapped around them loosely. “Jace you don’t want to hear about all my issues and crap” It was true. Jace had heard so much about Alec issues and problems, this probably wasn’t how he wanted to spend his free time.

Jace leaned forward on the bed, rubbing his hands together. “Hey we’ve all got issues, sometimes its good to talk about them” 

Alec looked up at Jace, he could tell he was trying to be supportive but it fell flat.“Yeah but…” Alec started, looking back down at the floor.“My issues aren’t like everyone else’s” Alec quietly said. 

Jace stood up from the bed and walked over to where Alec was sitting. He paused before sitting down next to Alec, his legs outreached. Alec was somewhere else in his mind when Jace spoke. “Alec whatever is going on, I’m not going to judge you, and I might be stepping over the line but maybe talking about it to someone you trust will help?

Alec gave a sigh. Everyone kept telling him that talking about it was a good idea and would help but he had yet to see those results. Telling his mother had just lead to her being overly worried and making Izzy more worried, caused their father to be kicked out. Telling people didn’t seem to be doing a lot of good.“I told-well someone found out the other day and…things aren’t the same, they don’t look at me the same. They treat me like glass, with kiddy gloves and you’re probably the only person right now to not treat me like that.” But as he looked over at Jace he could see worry in his eyes but it wasn’t that as intense as his mothers and sister. “I don’t want to lose that, I want some normality in my life” and god Alec did. Alec was certain he would give anything, anything to have a normal life. A normal family where everyone got along and everyone loved each other.

“Alright, I promise” Jace firmly said.

Alec looked over at Jace confused, unsure what he meant. “You promise?” Alec asked, raising his eyebrow, letting his legs fold out in front of him.

“Yeah I promise I wont treat you with Kiddy gloves,” Jace confidently said, crossing his arms over his chest.

Alec wanted to laugh at Jace’s naivety. Jace just didn't understand. “You can’t promise that when you don’t know” It was true, Jace only knew a small fraction of what was going on and Alec wasn’t sure he wanted to tell Jace the rest.

Jace gave a small nod. “You said you trust me, is that true?” Alec looked over at Jace. He had only known Jace a short while but he did trust him, there was something about Jace, the way he looked at people with little to no judgement. Alec imagined that when most people Jace they saw a brainless jock but there was more to him than that. Alec knew a little bit about Jace’s childhood; his fathers death, living with a foster family and imagined that Jace; like Alec, had to do a lot of growing up during that time. Alec looked back at Jace, giving him a small nod. “Then trust that I will treat you same as I always have, my friend”

Alec kept looking at Jace. He thought about it. Maybe Jace wouldn't look at him like his mother did. Maybe he would keep his promise. Alec took a large breath, pulling his hands into his lap, nervously rubbing his palm, a nervous tick he had picked up over the years. “My parents aren't just getting a divorce because they aren’t in love anymore.,” Alec said, he felt a tight feeling on his chest, he didn’t like thinking about his parents divorce. Especially what caused it. “There getting one because…because…” Alec kept his mouth open, he wasn’t sure how to finish that sentence. That was a lie. Alec knew why his parents were getting a divorce. It was a simple and surprisingly heartbreaking answer. “Me” Alec quietly confessed.

Jace looked over at Alec. He never understood why Alec blamed himself for everything that went wrong in his life. He blamed himself for his bothers death and now he was blaming himself for his parents divorce. “Alec you can’t blame yourself for your parents-“

Alec shook his head, looking up at the celling. “Its the truth” Alec said, and it was. His mother was divorcing his father because of an argument that Alec had caused. “Remember that night when Izzy came by here looking for me?,” Alec asked, still looking at the floor.

Jace gave a puzzled look, his mouth hanging open before closing it and thinking about it and answering. “Yeah, don’t think i’ll forget that, she looked so freaked out and worried, she mentioned you stormed out of the apartment?” Jace remembered Izzy’s face as she stood at the door, tears falling from her face, out of breath and pure terror in her eyes. “But she seemed pretty…well terrified for just a ‘storming out’” Jace said, thinking the evening over.

“She was worried I was going to do something stupid,” Alec quickly said.

“Something stupid?” Jace asked.

Alec looked at Jace, he wasn’t sure how to describe what he meant without outright stating what he meant. He looked back down at his hands. Alec felt that tight feeling in his chest again, like someone was clamping his lungs. Maybe this had gotten to far, maybe Alec should just make up some excuse and leave and forget this ever happened, but what would that achieve. Thats all Alec seemed to do, it was easy. Just push people away and get away. Alec took another look at Jace. His brow was furrowed sightly. Alec carefully looked back down into his lap. Alec made a decision. For once he would be the one to tell, not for them to find out on their own. Alec took a large breath before carefully pulling up his sleeve, revealing a white bandage, small red dots on it. Alec looked away from it, onto the floor below.

“After…After what happened to Max things kinda went to crap in our house, I didn’t know how to deal with it, deal with the anger and the guilt and I thought I found a way to deal with it, I thought it would just be temporary fix but things kinda got out of hand and…” Alec stopped talking, finding he had run out of things to say. He realised that Jace hadn’t say anything. He looked up from the floor over to Jace who was looking down at the bandage. Alec pulled his jumper back down to cover the bandage.

“You cut yourself” Jace quietly said, everything started to make sense. Why Izzy was so worried, why Alec also wore long shirts and why he was also so skittish. Jace closed his eyes for a moment. How did he not notice this? He had lived with Alec, spent days with him.

“Don’t blame yourself Jace, you couldn’t of known” Alec said, having seen the same look on Izzy the she found out. “My parents found out the other day…My moms reaction is to become over protective and go into doctor mode treating me like one of her patients.”

Jace looked up from the floor at Alec. “Your dad?”

Alec looked away from Jace to the floor. His father. Alec tried not to think about his dad, that evening bringing back feelings Alec didn’t want to think about. Alec had known his father was cold hearted at times, ignoring his children needs and issues. He had got use to it but he had no idea that he knew the whole time. Alec took a breath. “Turns out he knew the whole time.” Alec still couldn't believe it. All the times he tried to hide it from his father, he knew. “He said he ‘Didn’t want to indulge me in this obvious attempt at attention’” Alec could remember the phrase word for word, he was sure he would never forget it, the words branded into his mind, still burning white hot.

“He said that?!,” Jace spat, anger was clearly present in his voice. From only meeting Alec’s father once Jace could tell he was kinda an asshole, the more he heard about him, the more he felt for Alec. He couldn’t imagine growing up with a father like that, no wonder Alec blamed himself for what happened for his brother. Jace felt his fist clench next to his leg.

Alec gave a small nod. Alec hadn’t really thought about that night much, he tried to push it to the back of his mind.“Yeah, said ‘nobody wants a broken lawyer” That was what had pushed Alec he thought. He didn’t know why it was just too much for him, he just snapped.

He heard Jace give a harsh sigh, “Man I think I would of straight up punch him If I was there” 

“I think Izzy had to use all the restraint she had not to” Both the boys gave little laugh.

Alec heard Jace move next to him. Alec turned his head to see that Jace has pulled his legs up near his chest, his arms resting on his knees. “ Seriously though Alec,” Jace sighed. “Thats not something a father says thats-thats messed up” Jace meant it. He had had some problems with his parents growing up but hearing Alec talk about his father made Jace thankful for his adoptive father. Jace could never understand why Alec would take a course he hated so much but it made sense now. He was scared. Jace would be too, growing up with a father that was so controlling must warp a child’s mind and sense of self worth.

“Apparently thats what my mom thought” Alec replied.

“Thats why she's divorcing him,” Jace said, finally putting everything together.

“Yeah, well I think it was a catalyse, think they'd been working towards it since Max,” Alec quietly said. Alec had wondered about his parents relationship for years. He wondered if they ever loved each other, maybe when they first met, maybe for the first year of marriage he wasn’t sure, but what he was sure of was by the time Alec came along the love was gone. His parents didn’t act like a deeply in love couple, but two people who happen to live together and have children. Alec had thought that if it wasn’t for the children would his parents be together. After Max things seemed to get worse, his father turned from distance to cold and they both seemed to put little effort into the relationship anymore except for going to formal events.

“Alec I’m-I know sorry doesn’t change anything but I am sorry” Jace couldn’t imagine losing a brother the way Alec did and having to live with the guilt for these years. 

Alec was about to say thank you when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He gave a sigh, he really didn’t want to deal with Izzy and his mothers worrying right now. He pulled out his phone but to his surprise it wasn’t his mother or his sister, it was someone else.

_Got a free hour or so, would you like to meet for a catch up? Feel free to say no if you wish Alexander_

Alec kept re-reading the message over and over again, he wasn’t expecting to hear from Magnus. Not because they ended things badly or anything like that but…he wasn’t sure why he wasn’t expecting to hear from Magnus but he suddenly felt very warm in his chest; like the cold, empty feeling that always lingered there disappeared for a while “Need to go?,” He heard Jace say next to him.

“Its Magnus,” Alec breathed.

“Your friend” Jace said. He remembered briefly speaking to Magnus one the phone when Alec went missing from the party. He looked over at Alec and noticed something. He was staring at is phone with amazement, like he couldn’t believe Magnus had text him. For the first time…well since he’d met Alec he saw a lightness to his eyes, like he wasn’t carrying the weight of guilt on his shoulders. “Or something more?” Jace followed up.

“Its complicated” Alec quickly said, “Well its not really-well…Its not that complicated its just…confusing” Alec stuttered, he could hear Jace give a small chuckle next to him. He took a breath and composed himself.

“Well, if you ever need to talk, I’m all ears” Jace replied. Alec gave a nod while still looking down at the phone. He hadn’t seen Magnus in two days, not that long but he felt like it had been much longer like that, that things were unbalanced. He was so use to seeing Magnus in class and around campus. He felt bad. Although he and Magnus had ended things amicably he still felt a weight on him, what was Magnus expecting of him, what did he want, and what did Alec want. Alec was so wrapped up in his own thoughts he also didn’t heard Jace next to him “Listen you go see Magnus-”

Alec realised that he was meant to be spending time with Jace but had gotten so wrapped up in the text he hadn’t said anything a while, he shook his head. “No its fine-“

“Alec…” Jace firmly said. Alec looked over at him. “Go see him, its fine I’ve gotta crap load of work to do and I gotta go see Clary its all fine” Alec bite his lower lip, did he want to go see Magnus? Alec knew the answer to that question as soon as he asked it. Alec hated that. How easily Magnus could make Alec feel something. Alec had spent years learning how to push emotions and feelings away, how to lock them away. It’s not that Alec wanted to be cold and feel nothing, it was more like a necessary evil, Alec had to keep all his feelings; good or bad, locked away in order to function.

Alec pushed himself off the floor, straightening his top. “Thanks Jace” He gave a smile to Jace, and Jace gave him a nod back, a warm smile on his face.

As Alec walked down the street towards Magnus apartment, he started to think, and really think about Magnus. More specifically, the situation. Alec hadn’t really thought about what they were. He felt like such a child saying that, but it was true. Alec didn’t know where they stood. Magnus said he would wait for Alec, but Alec wasn’t too sure what that meant. Wait till he was ready to start something official. Alec felt an uneasy feeling in him. The thought of starting something with Magnus was a nice thought, but that was it; a thought, a hypothetical situation that Alec wasn’t sure he was ready to become real. As he walked down the street, he found himself thinking more about the situation, it didn’t seem real before, Alec was so wrapped up in his own head that he hadn’t really had time to think about what it all meant. Maybe this wasn’t the right time to start something, with Alec relapsing and his parents, but then Magnus did say he would wait, but how long would that be for? Was it fair to make Magnus wait for Alec when Alec himself wasn’t even sure what he wanted. Alec felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He pulled it out ready to tell Izzy he was safe and okay. He pulled his phone out and turned it over to revel who was ringing him. He froze. He came to abrupt stop on the sidewalk, like his feet had suddenly been glued to the floor. He felt someone crash into the back of him, saying something to him but it was all white noise, his attention was completely drawn to the phone. 

Dad.

Alec just stared down at the phone, letting it ring. He felt sick to his stomach. Like someone had their hand right around his chest and was squeezing and twisting. He felt his hands starting to shake. He wanted to put the phone back in his pocket but was unable too, it was like he was trapped in his body unable to move. Alec felt a cold chill over him and wasn’t sure if it was the wind or the phone call that caused it. Finally after 30 seconds; which to Alec felt like months, the phone stopped ringing. Alec shakily held onto the phone, when the screen lite up again and the ringing flooded the streets. Once again his fathers name was like a neon sign on the screen, the only thing Alec could see. “Kid?” Alec moved his thumb over the screen. What did his dad want? Alec shook his head he didn’t care what he wanted. His thumb went over to the decline button but stopped short of pressing it, just hovering above. Before Alec could do anything the phone stopped ringing. “Hey, kid? Are you okay?” Alec wanted to put the phone back into his pocket before it started to ring again but his hands were unable to do anything. “Kid?” Alec suddenly felt something on his shoulder. Like his brain was finally able to connect to his body again Alec jumped back, dropping his phone to the floor. “Hey, hey kid didn’t mean to startle you!” Alec could feel his chest raising heavily, in front of him stood a middle aged man, slightly grey hair and a done up checked shirt. He was reaching down to pick up Alec’s phone, slowly handing it to him. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you jump-“ Alec reached out and snatched the phone from the stranger and pushed pass the man heading off down the street. Alec quickly shoved the phone into his jeans and ran his hand through his hair, trying to calm down. He could feel his heart beat quickening. Alec had gone quite long without having a panic attack, managing to keep them at bay. However as he walked down the street Alec started to panic. Was his heart just beating quick or was it a panic attack. Was it because he was walking quickly. Alec started to think to much, his brain flooding with questions. As he rounded the corner, he quickly lent against the wall. He hunched over and rested his arms on his knees, tying to get some air into his lungs. No, no, no, no, no this wasn't happening Alec thought. This was not what he needed right now, not now, not now Alec repeated in his mind. Alec hunched over further and covered his head with his arms, cradling his head in his stomach. Alec squinted his eyes, trying to concentrate on something so his mind wasn’t racing. Alec tried to think of something to concentrate, something to keep his mind focused. He searched his mind, finding that first thing that came into it.

_Stood in front of Alec was a young man, probably the same age as Alec but slightly shorter…Alec couldn't help but be drawn to his eyes, a light brown colour, almost a yellow, it reminded Alec of cats eyes. His eyes were surrounded in gold glitter, some of it falling onto his cheeks…Alec couldn't help but stare at the man, his heart beating slightly faster than usual._

Alec pushed himself upright, his hands falling to the side, his head resting against the wall. Alec squeezed his eyes shut again, concentrating once again on that day. It only just occurred to Alec as he was thinking about the first time he met Magnus, Alec tired not to think about what that meant, pushing himself off the wall he headed off to Magnus, his chest now filled with air again.


	15. Honesty part.2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two of the other chapter! For those wondering why its 'part 2' and not just another chapter; these chapters were originally one massive chapter but I broke it into two to make it easy to read/follow. This chapter is very malec so I hope you enjoyy.
> 
> -A♥

Magnus sauntered around his apartment. His lose fitting silk maroon shirt flowed around him. He had on a pair of stylish ripped black jeans. He walked into his kitchen and poured himself a coffee. Alec was stopping by. Magnus wasn't too sure why he messaged the boy, he had said to Alec and himself that he would wait for Alec to speak to him and let Alec deiced when he wanted to come over but Magnus felt a nervousness when he didn't hear from Alec, he wasn't sure what he was nervous about, nervous that Alec no longer wanted to speak to him, nervous that Alec was shutting himself up again. Magnus pulled out a small mirror, looking at his gold glitter eye shadow making sure it hadn't smudged. Magnus shut the mirror and put it back into his pocket. He drummed his fingers against the counter, biting his lower lip. He wasn’t nervous. Magnus didn’t get nervous. Then again a week ago Magnus would of said that he wouldn't of cared if he didn't see Alec again and Magnus was starting to doubt that. Magnus gave a sigh and walked over to his sofa, sitting down. He pouted his lips, drumming his fingers on the edge of the sofa. There was a knock on Magnus door, he quickly picked up his coffee and walked quickly towards the door. He reached forward and pulled open the door to reveal Alexander, leaning against the door frame, his raven hair resting on his forehead.

“Alexander!” Magnus greeted, opening the door wider. He gave Alec a smile.

“Hey” Alec replied, stepping into Magnus apartment. He looked around as he walked in. He found Magnus apartment fascinating. Filled with lots of different things and many, many books.

He walked into the centre of the living room and took a seat on the leather sofa. “Would you like anything to drink? Coffee? Tea?” Magnus asked. 

Alec leaned back onto the sofa, using his burgundy jumper to wipe down his face, giving a small yawn. “Uhh just a coffee thanks” Magnus gave a nod before going into the kitchen. Alec rested his head on the back of the sofa, looking around at the bookshelf. He had never noticed how many books Magnus had. Large ones, small ones, modern, old. As Alec was looking he noticed a large leather bound book on the shelf, the spine in a deep red colour. Alec pushed himself off the sofa and wandered over to the shelf. He studied the book. It looked old, the spine looked broken in places. “It’s a greek play” Alec turned around to see Magnus walking in with the coffee, steam coming off the top. “You can take it out if you want?” Magnus said, as he put the coffee down on the table, sitting down on the sofa, his arms outstretched on the back of the sofa. Alec looked at Magnus with a raised eyebrow. He turned back to the book. He paused before slowly pulling it out of the shelf. He walked back over to the sofa where Magnus was sat. Still looking down at the book, Alec sat down next to Magnus. “I’ve had it for years, It was gifted to me by a dear friend.” 

“It’s Aristophanes’s Thesmophoriazusael” Alec commented, studying the book. 

“It looks very interesting however its in Greek and while I may know many languages, sadly greek is not one of them” Magnus said.

“It’s pretty interesting, one of the 11 plays that survived” Alec said as he carefully flipped the pages, looking at the writing.

“You’ve read the translated version?” Magnus asked. He carefully moved a bit closer to Alec. He told himself it was to get a closer look at the book but even he knew that was a lie.

Alec flicked the page. “No, I’ve read pieces the original but never the whole thing, having the whole untranslated play is quite rare to come by.” Alec had read sections of the book, certain passages and important parts, but he had always wanted to read the whole thing.

“You know Greek?,” Magnus asked, sounding surprised.

“Greek and Latin,” Alec calming replied. He never thought it was an odd thing that he knew Latin and Greek, he’d know it for years now, it was just something he knew. He looked over to Magnus, who wore a surprised face. “My father insisted on learning languages when growing up. Me and Izzy both learnt Spanish and then my dad suggested Latin and Greek, said it was good for lawyers” Suggested was the wrong word, giving the indication that Alec had any choice in the matter which he didn’t. As Alec looked down at the book, he remembered his father teaching him Greek, giving Alec different books to read each week and new phrases to learn. His father was a good teacher. Staying focused on the task, not letting Alec fail. His meticulous planning, his ability to detach himself and focus on the facts made him a fantastic lawyer as well.

“My dad rang me today” Alec quietly said, looking down at the book even know his eyes were not reading any words. He carefully closed the book and placed it on the table in front of him, leaning forward on his elbows. Alec wasn’t sure why he said it, he just wanted to tell someone, he wanted to tell Magnus.

Magnus abruptly turned his head to Alec, who was staring down at the floor. “He did?” Magnus had only heard a few things about Alec’s father, Alec’s account about his father shoving him against the wall when he came out still imprinted in Magnus’s mind, he had never met the man but he felt a great deal of anger towards him. Alec gave a small nob, his eyes still fixed on the floor. “What did he want?” Magnus carefully asked, not wanting to push Alec to far, but seeing as Alec had brought it up, he decided to ask. 

Alec pushed himself off his elbows, leaning back on the sofa, his arms draped in his lap. Alec looked over at Magnus, shaking his head. “I don’t know, I didn’t answer it” Alec pulled his eyes from Magnus, looking down into his hands. “I just left it to ring”

Magnus shifted on the sofa, folding one leg in front of him, the other hanging off the sofa. “Are you going to ring him back?”

Alec opened his mouth before realising that he didn’t know the answer to that question. He closed his mouth and turned to look at Magnus, who was now facing him. “I don’t know,” Alec stuttered. “I was looking down at the phone and…” Alec looked back down at his hand, imagining the phone there, the sound of the ringing still in his ear. He clenched his fist in frustration. “And I wanted to hang it up, stop it from ringing but I just couldn’t do it,” He sighed. There was a long pause where neither said anything, Alec shifted his body slightly so his back was resting in the corner on the sofa, where the back and the arm rest met. He looked at Magnus again, he opened his mouth but no words came out. “I…” Alec stopped talking again, he clenched his fists again, a shooting pain going up his arm. Alec shook his head and looked down between the small gap between himself and Magnus “I want to hate him” Alec admitted, still not moving his head or eyes from the spot. He felt a small lump in his throat, he bite his lip harshly. “I really do but…” Alec took a deep breath.

Magnus could see Alec was struggling to express what he meant. The boy was staring down at one spot, biting his lip, which Magnus imagined was quite painful. Magnus carefully reached out and placed his hand on Alec’s knee, Alec gave no movement or even acknowledgment that he felt it “He’s your dad, its understandable if your conflicted” Magnus insisted.

Slowly Alec looked up from the gap to Magnus, still biting his lip. “I wanna be happy that my parents are getting a divorce and be happy that I’ll never see him again and hate him, hate everything about him but…I just can’t” Alec squeezed his eyes shut, feeling them starting to become blurry. Alec didn’t say anything for a while, just thinking in his own mind. He finally shook his head, slightly tilting it to the side, his eyes still on Magnus. “Why can’t I hate him?”

Magnus gave Alec a small sympathetic smile before giving his knee a slight squeeze. “Family is complicated; they annoy us, hurt us but at the end of the day, there still family” Maybe Alec had been too hard on his father after all he did try his best, trying to balance work and family is a difficult thing. 

After he spoke Magnus watched Alec, his eyes seemed to glass over like he was thinking. As Magnus thought about what he said he realised that maybe he hadn’t explained what he meant properly. Magnus used his other hand to reach out and tilt Alec’s head up so there eyes met. “But that doesn’t mean they can do anything they like, family still need to be held accountable for the bad things they do; they don’t get a free pass.” Alec thought about what Jace had said ‘ _if they mess up they need to accept that and change, and if they don’t then you don’t just have to accept it because there family’_ Alec had let his parents; especially his father, get away with a lot of crap because they were a ‘family’ he would say it over and over to himself when his father would yell. “You don’t have to hate him, but you don’t have to forgive him.” Magnus finally said. Alec kept his eyes on Magnus as he thought about what he said. Alec wasn’t sure he could ever forgive his father for what he said, for how he made him feel, but maybe Magnus was right, maybe he didn’t have to hate him, maybe he just had to accept the fact that him and his father would never be a family. Alec gave Magnus a small smile. Magnus removed his hand from Alec’s chin, letting it fall into his lap. Alec clenched his fist next to him before raising it and slowly placing it on top of Magnus hand that was still laid on Alec’s knee.

“You know” Alec sighed. “If you ever deiced you didn’t want to be a lawyer, you'd make a pretty good therapist” Alec gave a little nod, he looked up at Magnus who was wearing a wide grin before giving a small chuckle, shaking his head.

“Thank you Alexander” Alec returned the smile looking down into his lap before back up at Magnus, who was still grinning. Alec felt Magnus shift his hand under his, he was about to pull his hand back, fearing Magnus was uncomfortable with the situation. However to Alec’s surprise, Magnus moved his fingers apart, raising his hand slightly. Without thinking about it Alec relaxed his hand, letting the pairs slot together. Alec didn’t move his hand, unsure what to do. He paused before squeezing his hand slightly, which Magnus retuned.

“I like it here” Alec whispered, looking at the pairs intwined hands. Magnus hands were about the same size as Alec’s. His hand wasn’t bare like Alec’s, each finger decorated with bright rings of all colours. Small bracelets also hung from Magnus wrists. Alec wondered where they were from, if there were stories behind them and what they meant. “You do?” Magnus asked, sounding surprised. Alec looked up at Magnus, his eyes were looking at Alec and too Alec’s surprise they weren’t filled with intense worry, they were just looking at Alec like he was a person.

“You don't look at me like I’m some…” Alec thought back to how his mother and sister looked at him, how Izzy looked at him every time he relapsed even though she didn’t know she was doing it. “Like I’m some…broken thing that needs to be fixed” That was the best way Alec could describe it. “My mom is treating me like I’m one of her patients, like she needs to fix me” Alec had seen his mothers face when she was talking about one of her ‘no hope patients’ people that she was trying to help but deep down everyone knew there was no hope, thats how she was looking at Alec. “I think it’s starting to rub off on Izzy as well” Alec wasn’t sure why, maybe it was how she found out, or what happened with their father but Izzy seemed to be taking this relapse harder than the ones before.

“Have you spoke to them about it” Magnus asked.

“Theres no point” Alec admitted. “No matter what I say there’ll both look at me the same, Izzy has seen me when I’m bad, like…really bad” Alec felt for his sister, still remnants of guilt inside Alec from what she has seen. Times she had found Alec in the bathroom trying to clean up after a relapse, times she had to physically stop Alec. “She’s seen me relapse so many times that I just don’t think she believes I can be clean anymore” Alec took a deep breath, he shifted his hand, feeling Magnus tighten his grip. “And to be honest I don’t know if I can either” Alec had hated that thought, the feeling that he would never recover, but as each month went on his hope of a full recovery dwindled.

“It just takes time” Magnus tried to assure Alec, but even he could see it fell flat.

Alec had heard that phrase so many times and not once had he believed it, this time was no different. Alec shifted in his seat, he looked over Magnus’s shoulder before looking at him, he could feel his eyes starting to sting, a familiar feeling lately. “Some times you can’t fix something Magnus, sometimes it breaks and theres nothing you can do about it”

“Alec my darling” Magnus softly spoke, moving closer to Alec, his hand still wrapped tight around his hand. “You aren’t some broken thing, you’re a person and you just need time and the proper help”

“They want me to go to therapy” Alec quickly admitted. “My mom spoke about it the other day and I think Izzy was going to suggest it earlier”

Magnus pulled back slightly, still holding his hand but giving him a little bit of space “You don’t think therapy will help?” Magnus asked.

Alec had always hated to idea of therapy, since he first heard the idea, since Izzy first suggested it. “I don’t talk about things, its just not how I was raised” Alec had never spoke about his issues growing up, even before Max. He would just push it down and lock it away, it was much easier that way. “If you had a problem then you dealt with it yourself” Alec firmly replied, it was a rule he had learned early on. Both his parents were busy and didn’t have time to listen to Alec’s issues. “I don’t want to sit in some room for an hour with some random person I don’t know and talk about all my crap” The thought of doing that sent a nauseating feeling through his body. 

“Then talk to me?” Magnus confidently suggested.

“What?” Alec questioned, raising his eyebrow slightly.

“Well you say the reason you don’t want to talk about things is because its with a stranger that you don't know?” Alec gave a small nod indicating that Magnus was right. “Well you know me and as you said earlier I make a pretty good therapist and I’m a lot cheeper” Alec gave a small chuckle at that, he appreciated what Magnus was trying to do, trying to make Alec feel better while still trying to offer advice. “I’m not saying you have to sit here and divulge all your problems and issues but if you feel like you want to talk about something or feel like you want advice on something; I’m here” Magnus gave Alec a reassuring smile, trying to make Alec understand that he was serious, that he genuinely wanted to help. 

Alec bite his lip, shaking his head before looking at Magnus again, his voice quite when he spoke. “You don’’t really want to here about all my crap”

Magnus paused trying to think if what to say. He reached out and took Alec’s other hand, intwining them like the other hand. Alec looked down at the locked hands before back at Magnus. “What I want is for you to be happy and I’m prepared to do anything to make that happen”

Alec felt that familiar sting in his eyes, but not from fear, anger or guilt, but something different. “Why?” Alec choked with emotion. 

Magus took a large breath before answering, shaking his head slightly. “Because thats what you do when you deeply care about about someone,” Alec felt his eyes well even more, tears just on the brim. Magnus was still looking down at their hands, not looking up. Alec thought back to his earlier worries about what he wanted from Magnus and whether he wanted anything with Magnus at all. Lately Alec wasn’t sure about anything but for the first time in a while, he was sure about one thing.

Magnus realised his had his eyes looking down at his and Alec’s hands. For some reason he was nervous to look up, when he did Alec was looking at him carefully, his eyes obviously glassy, the lower rim of his eye filled his water. Magnus wanted to say something, scared that he had offend the boy. Magnus was about to say something when he noticed a content smile on Alec’s lips.

“What?” Magnus asked, genuinely confused.

“Do you fancy getting dinner tonight?” Alec confidently asked, his head tilted to the side slightly, the smile still lingering on his lips.

Magnus pulled back slightly on the sofa, a wide grin on his face. “Alexander, are you asking me on a date?”

Alec suddenly felt the confidents leaving him. He leaned back into the sofa shaking his head. “I mean-if-if you want-I mean”

Magnus squeezed Alec’s hands leaning closer to him. “Hey, relax” Alec stopped shaking his head, Magnus was leaning close to Alec’s knees, his usual grin dancing on his face. “I would love too” Magnuc grinned. Alec gave a sigh of relief, giving Magnus a smile. “I know this great Ethiopia place” Magnus replied. 

“Sounds good” Alec breathed, the smile still on his face, like it was permanently carved on there. Alec reluctantly pulled his hands from Magnus’s, standing up from the sofa, pulling the hem of his sweater down. “I should properly get going, get some work done” Alec said, he reached up and brushed his hair away from his face. “Um what time do you want to meet?”

Magnus copied his movement and stood up from the sofa. “How about 7?, I’ll meet you outside your building?” Alec gave a quick nod before they both started to walk towards the door. They reached the large door of Magnus apartment, Alec turned around, nodding his head. “See you tonight” Magnus gave a nod in return, a large grin still on his face. Alec stood still for a movement unsure what to do. He opened his mouth to say something but deiced to just nod. He turned around to leave when he heard Magnus speak up. 

“Alexander” Magnus softly called.

Alec quickly turned around to see Magnus leaning against his large door frame, his arms crossed over his chest. 

Alec walked towards Magnus, stopping only a few inches away. “Yeah” He breathed.

Alec noticed that Magnus eyes bounced between his eyes and lips and Alec started to feel himself doing the same. Magnus unfolded his arms, letting them swing next to him, because of their close proximity, there hands brushed by each other. Magnus carefully took hold of Alec’s fingers, before locking there hands again. Alec felt his hands become instantly warm. He noticed that Magnus was looking down at the pairs hands. Alec took this opportunity and took a step closer to Magnus. With that Magnus slowly looked up from the floor. His eyes were also level with Alec’s, there faces now inched apart. Alec felt as Magnus carefully pulled Alec’s hand closer to him, Alec allowed himself to be pulled closer to Magnus. Magnus slowly closed his eyes before his lips met with Alec. Alec kept hold of Magnus hand as the pair kissed, he felt Magnus other hand reach up and cup his neck, his thumb resting on his cheek. Alec deepened the kiss, moving closer to Magnus, no gap left between there bodies. He reached out and put his hand on Magnus lower back, pulling him closer, he could feel Magnus grinning as they kissed, causing Alec to as well. Magnus was the first to break the kiss before leaning forward to start it again, this time quicker. Alec moved his hand from Magnus's back to the front, reaching up to grip Magnus shirt pulling tightly on it. This time it was Alec who pulled away, Magnus chasing his lips, causing Alec to give a small grin. There faces were still close when Alec finally spoke.

“I really should get going” He whispered out of breath, the small grin still there. Magnus retuned the smile before giving Alec a quick kiss on the lips before leaning back against the doorframe.

“See you tonight Alexander”

Alec gave a small laughed before stepping back from Magnus, “Yeah see you tonight” Alec squeezed his eyes trying to clear his vision before heading towards the stairs, Alec kept his eye on Magnus who was watching him leave, a mischievous smile on his face. Alec was about to say something when he suddenly felt a drop, Alec quickly reached out and grabbed the staircase to steady himself. He looked down to notice he had completely missed the first step. He looked over at Magnus who was quietly laughing to himself, shaking his head. 

“Right, see you later” Alec stuttered feeling his cheeks turning a dark red. He turned away from Magnus and took off down the staircase, the numbness and blurriness he felt this morning had cleared, for once his mind was not swirling with thoughts and worries. His thoughts and ideas of Magnus were no longer buried deep and hidden, surrounded by denial and guilt. Sure there were still many aspects of his life that confused him, that he needed to work out but Magnus wasn’t one of them; Magnus made Alec happy, and Alec was sure of that.

Magnus watched as the boy took off down the stairs before rounding a corner and disappearing. Magnus pushed himself off the door and turned into the apartment shutting the door behind him. Magnus sauntered across his living room falling back into the sofa. On the table was a full cup of coffee that was now cold and an old greek play. Magnus learned forward and picked up the book careful not to damage the delicate cover. Magnus gave a smile as he held the book. Overtime he spoke to Alec he learned something new, some other layer. He could imagine little Alec sat reading some ridiculously large Latin book. Magnus put the book back down carefully, leaning on his knees. On the surface Alec seemed like a very disconnected person, like he wasn’t concerned with others and how they felt. However getting to know Alec, Magnus knew it wasn't true, it was in fact the complete opposite. Alec was so concerned with making others happy, making others proud, he would bend over backwards for anyone expect himself. Alec deserved to be happy, and Magnus was still convinced that Alec didn't know or believe that, but Magnus had meant what he said earlier, he would do just about anything to make Alec happy, Magnus was sure of that


	16. Dinner With Magnus Bane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Magnus finally go on their date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I am so sorry for the incredible delay in this chapter, I know it's been months but with starting uni things have been very busy, plus this chapter took a very long time! So as promised this chapter is the malec date, I really enjoyed writing this chapter so I hope you guys enjoy it!  
> Please feel free to leave a comment, I really love hearing what you guys think! Anyway, enjoy the chapter!  
> -A♥

Alec pushed open the door and stepped out onto the street. He paused, taking a large breath to fill his lungs. The sun was still high up in the sky, the few clouds that were in the sky had departed leaving just a clear blue picture. Alec looked up into the sky for a few seconds, before taking another breath and putting his hands into his pocket and taking off down the street. They were going on a date. Alec had said it to himself over and over again while walking down the stairs and street. He could feel a small smile on his face. Alec and Magnus were going on a date. He started pulling at a thread in his pocket, it was a good idea right? He made the right decision right? Alec shook his head to the side, he was over thinking too much. He just needed to stop thinking. Did he want to go on a date with Magnus? Yes. It was the right decision. Alec pulled his hands out of his pocket, giving them a small shake. There wasn’t that much of a pain in his wrist, still some of course, but less. It was always easier to recover when the pain started to go. It wasn’t a constant reminder of his failure. Alec crossed the street before pulling his phone out of his pocket and sending a text to Izzy to tell her he was on his way back. As he walked back he saw a taxi and quickly held his hand out before jumping in and giving the address. Alec laid his head against the headrest behind him giving himself a small chuckle. Alec was going on a date. The cab pulled up outside the building, Alec gave the driver some money and a small smile before hopping out and closing door. Alec reached up and moved his hair away from his face. Alec started walking towards the large doors when he felt his phone buzzing in his pocket. He gave a small smile thinking he knew whom it was, probably Magnus making sure he got home okay. He pulled out his phone and stopped walking. Instantly his hands tightened. It wasn’t Magnus ringing him. It was his father. Alec looked down at the phone unsure what to do. It kept ringing and like earlier Alec didn’t do anything. The phone stopped ringing but Alec didn’t move. Alec thought back to what Magnus had said earlier “You don’t have to hate him but you don’t have to forgive him” Alec’s phone started to ring again. He looked down at the phone and took a large breath. He moved his thumb and hit the answer button. The phone stopped ringing and Alec didn’t move for a moment before slowly lifting it to his ear.  
There was silence from the other end before finally someone spoke. “Alec” The voice sounded unsure, like they weren’t sure if anyone was really there. Alec heard his name but didn’t say anything back to the voice. There was a pause before the voice continued again. “Alec are you there?”

“Yeah” Alec breathed, he licked his lips to give them some moisture.

There was a small chuckle from the other end, causing Alec to tighten his grip on the phone; did his dad think this was a joke? “I wasn’t sure you were going to answer”

“I wasn’t going too,” Alec sharply replied.

There was silence; maybe his father finally understood that Alec didn’t think this was a joke. “I can understand why” Alec turned around on the spot, unsure what to do with himself. “Alec-“

He finally settled for leaning against the wall of the building, his head resting on his chin, looking down at his shoes. “You’ve got a 30 seconds to explain what you want then I’m hanging up” Alec was surprised at how calm and serious he sounded. He had choose to lean against the wall because he felt as if his legs were going to collapse under him any second.

His father sighed. “Alec I- I just want to…” His father was struggling with his words, Alec wanted to just hang up the phone, he knew whatever his father said wouldn’t be the truth, but another part of him was curious about what his father would say. “I cannot express how bad I feel about what happened when you stopped by., my behaviour was horrible and I completely understand that you must be feeling angry but I don’t want to lose you, you’re my son” Alec gave a sigh, how did he know that was coming; his father said it most times they argued. The nannies words came back into his mind ‘nothing is more important than family’

“What do you want?” Alec calmly said.

“I want to talk to you, I want to explain my behaviour. I want my family back.” Alec understood what his father meant by that. While Alec was still anger and not speaking to his father there was no chance that Maryse would even consider giving him another chance. However even if Alec and his father made up; and that was a big if, he still wasn’t convinced that she would take him back.

“I-I don’t know-“ Alec stuttered, looking up to the sky.

He heard his father sigh on the other end, Alec pulled the phone from his face looking down at it. He wanted to hang up. To just forget this conversation ever happened. He could hear his father moving on the other end so pulled the phone back up to his ear. “Please all I’m asking is that we talk, that’s it and if you don’t like what you hear then you can leave again.” Alec really doubted that he would like what his father had to say. “How about later tonight? Around 8?”

“I can’t, I’m busy tonight,” Alec said quickly, not giving his father a reason.

“Okay,” His father sighed “How about letter then? Maybe around 9?”  
Alec clenched his jaw, why wouldn’t his father just leave him alone like he use to. Alec knew how determined his father could be so, he didn’t want to endure call after call trying to convince him to meet, so against his better judgement Alec agreed “Fine” He sharply replied.  
“Thank you, Alec, what about the café just down the road” He knew which one his father meant, they had all visited the café one the first day they moved in.  
“Sure, don’t call me again till then” Alec pulled the phone from his face and hung up, slipping it back into his pocket. Alec gave a frustrated sigh, this was all so… Alec clenched his jaw, he didn’t know what the point of meeting his father was or why he agreed to it. Alec bit his lip and started to make the journey home.

Alec pulled out the golden key in his pocket and slipped it into the lock, pushing the door open. Izzy was sat on the sofa, her long black hair tied up into a bun on the top of her head, small strains of hair falling down her face. She had a pair of black joggers on and a grey crop top jumper, her schoolwork laid out in front of her. “Hey!” Izzy called from the sofa.

“Alright” Alec replied as he closed the door behind him, walking over to the sofa next to Izzy, taking a seat.

Izzy looked up from her paper and put her pen down, turning to face Alec. That’s what Alec loved about Izzy, if you spoke to her, no matter what it was about, she looked at you; she was interested. “How was Jace?” He asked.

“Yeah…yeah it was good we played basketball and stuff” Alec stumbled over his words as he spoke, remembering his and Jace’s very honest conversations and the fact another person knew the truth about Alec. “Was good”, He admitted, and it did. Jace finally knowing was like someone had taken a large weight off Alec. No more sneaking about and making excuses.

“Alec sweetie you’re home!” His mother called as she walked into the room. A large smile on her face.

For some reason, Alec felt his good mood dwindled slightly at the sight of his mother, he adverted his eyes and looked at Izzy’s pile of work. “Yeah” He said, giving a sigh after. Suddenly a thought popped into his mind. “Um I’m out again later, around 7” He said, still looking in Izzy’s direction, who was now looking at Alec.

Maryse was sat on the arm of Izzy’s sofa. “Where are you off to?” She said, looking down at Izzy.

“Um I’m meant to be meeting Magnus,” Alec said slightly more quiet than the other things he had said.

“Ahh how nice, what are you two planning?” Maryse asked.

Alec opened his mouth to say something but he found he didn’t know what to say. He closed his mouth again before opening it again and giving his mother an “Umm” before looking at Izzy.

Something clicked in Izzy. She stood up and started to walk to the kitchen. “Alec, are you hungry? There’s some salad left in the fridge that me and mom made?”

Alec briefly looked up at his mom before standing up and following Izzy to the kitchen. “Um yeah, thanks,” He said as he walked into the room.

Izzy and Alec walked into the kitchen, walking over to the far kitchen. Izzy grabbed the coffee pot and grabbed two mugs, pouring herself and Alec a cup. She passed her over to Alec while they stood there. Izzy made no attempt to get the salad out, knowing that Alec didn’t really want any, just agreed to it so he could leave the living room. “So what are you guys planning?” Izzy said after sipping her coffee.

Alec pulled the coffee from his mouth. “Were going to this Ethiopian place, Magnus said it was meant to be good” Alec didn’t really know much about food.

Izzy gave a small nod; she looked up at Alec, wrapping her hand around her warm cup. “So is this two friends having a meal or something more…more like-“

Alec finished her sentence for her “A date?”

“Is it?” Izzy asked, giving a nervous smile. Alec looked at her before looking down at his shoes.

“Well that’s what I said when I asked-“ Alec muttered

He felt Izzy grasp his free arm. “Wait you asked him?” She said excitedly

“Yeah why?” Alec asked, unsure.

Izzy put her cup down on the side and walked closer to Alec, resting her arms on his shoulder “Oh my god Alec that is so great!” She smiled widely, her cheeks filing with colour and her eyes glowing. She suddenly took a large breath, stepping back from Alec. “Oh you have to let me pick your outfit”

Alec gave a smile chuckle. “Izzy-”

She picked up her cup again, holding it with one hand, pointing to Alec’s shirt with her other. “Just something with some colour that’s all I’m asking” Alec went to say something but just gave a laugh, Izzy did the same. The siblings just stood laughing in the kitchen. Alec felt like the sun had come into the kitchen, sudden warmth filing him. As he watched Izzy laughing, her fair falling onto her face, he remembered how much the pair use to laugh when they were younger, and how Isabelle’s smile would fill her face, making everyone else in the room smile as well.

“What are you kids talking laughing about?” Maryse said, walking into the kitchen.

Alec abruptly stopped laughing, the sun disappearing from the kitchen again, a slight chill setting in. “Umm just a story about Jace” Alec quickly said, no emotion in his voice.

“Oh…” Maryse said, her face revealing that she didn’t believe Alec. She walked over to the counter and grabbed her keys off the side, putting them into her bag. “Well I’m just going to pop out to sort some stuff out, I’ll be about a hour” She said, smiling at her children. Alec didn’t say anything, just giving her a nod while looking down at the floor. He heard his mother walk out, the door closing behind him.

Neither sibling said anything for a while. Alec pushed himself off the counter and started to walk out of the kitchen. “You’re not going to tell her?” Izzy asked, following Alec. He stopped in the centre of the living room, turning to face his sister. She crossed her arms over her chest, giving Alec a smile. “She’d be okay with it Alec, she just wants you to be happy”. Alec sighed. Izzy was right; Alec wasn’t going to argue that. His mother had always been concerned with Alec’s happiness, even when he was a smile child; she just wanted him to be happy. Like Izzy, when his mother entered a room when he was younger, it was as warmth came in. When his father was yelling at him, his mother’s presents would instantly make him feel better. However as Alec grew older, that warmth from his mother seem to disappear, becoming more like his father, disappearing into the background. But Alec was still sure that if he told his mother about Magnus, she would be happy for him, so why didn’t he want to tell her? Alec decided not to think about that question.

Alec decided to change the subject. “Dad rang me today”, he said. Alec looked over at Izzy who was looking at him, her face no longer glowing, her structure becoming rigid.

“What did he say?” She coldly said.

“He wanted to meet me”

Izzy’s face screwed up in confusion. “What?! What did you say?” She called. Clearly Alec’s face gave away the answer, Izzy’s whole body seemed to sag, a large sigh coming out as she reached up and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Oh Alec you didn’t!”, Before Alec could explain, a wild anger seemed to escape from Izzy. “You seriously can’t be thinking about meeting him?” She walked over to Alec, throwing her arms out to the side. “After what he did to you? After everything he said!” She furiously shook her head, still looking at Alec. “He doesn’t deserve your forgiveness!” She yelled.

Before she could continue her rant Alec broke in, “Just because I’m meeting him doesn’t mean I forgive him I just-“

“Then why go see him?” She yelled, clearly not understanding.

“I need to know” Alec yelled back.

“Know what?!” Izzy yelled

Alec sighed, rubbing his hands down his face. “Why he didn’t say anything or do anything when he found out-“

Izzy gave a bitter laugh. “He didn’t do anything because he’s a shitty father Alec-”  
“-He did lose his son Izzy-“ Alec wasn’t sure what came over him; he was defending his father.

Izzy clenched her drew. “And so did mom” Izzy took a shaky breath. “And we lost our brother but none of us become terrible people, he doesn’t get a free pass because he lost his son”

Alec shook his head, not believing he was about to say this; “He’s still out dad Izzy-“

“-Still?” She sharply interrupted. She crossed her arms over her chest. “He was never our father, he was just a guy that walked around our house making us all feel like crap”

Silence befell the room, Alec looked down at the floor, he took a breath. He did make them feel terrible, all of them. He would yell, shout, scream at the smallest things, wanted everyone to be perfect and expected nothing less. Alec rarely thought about his childhood, the topic bringing little joy. But sometimes; in those rare moments when he did, he would think back to a certain memory that did bring something close to joy. It was that memory that led Alec to say what he did next. “He wasn’t always like that Izzy”. His voice was quite, like he was unsure about his words. He looked up from the ground, Izzy was looking at her brother, her eyes filled with a quite sadness.

“This isn’t a good idea”, She calmly said.

“It's my life, Isabelle”

Izzy gave a small smile, moving some hair from her face, placing it behind her ear. She walked over to Alec, taking his hand, wrapping her much smaller hands around it. “Your right Hermano”, She lovingly said, Izzy looked up at her brother.  
“Just please be careful” She gave him a smile before letting go of his hand and reaching up to wrap her arms around his neck. Alec paused before returning the hug. He understood her concerns. If Izzy had told Alec she was going to see their father Alec would of reacted the same way, probably worse. Alec pulled back and gave Izzy a small kiss on the forehead, something he always use to do when she was little. He walked across the living room and walked into his room, shutting the room behind him. He just stood there for a moment, not moving. He started to walk over to his bed but stopped. He checked his watch. He still had a few hours till he had to meet Magnus. A sudden nervousness came over Alec; he was going on a date with Magnus. Alec had never been on a date. Alec’s mouth started to become very dry, his hands fidgeting. He checked his watch again. What was he going to do for remaining time? Alec had already started to work himself up, what would he do for the rest of the time. Like on cue, Alec felt a painful pulse go through his wrist. He clenched his hand, another pulse occurred. Alec’s eyes flickered over to the bathroom, he knew there was nothing in there he could harm himself with, Izzy had seen to that. Alec didn’t want to do anything but his mind was a powerful thing, turning small issues into big ones, tumbling him into a dark path he knew he couldn’t get out of. Before he could dwell on it, Izzy called from the living room. He walked into the living room to find Izzy seated on the sofa, work spread out around her. She looked up from her work, biting her lip and holding a large stack of paper. “Could you help me with this?” Alec gave a small smile and walked over to the seat next to Izzy, taking the pile of paper. “I’ve been working on it for a while now but I’m not sure the Latin terms are right?”, Alec flipped through Izzy’s medical essay. Alec often helped Izzy with her Latin terminology, having studied it in depth during school.

“Sure thing Iz,” He said, content he could focus his mind on something before having to get ready.

The siblings spent the reminding of the hours working through Izzy’s work. Alec helping her with her terms and essay. Eventually Alec left his sister to get ready. He quickly jumped in the shower, having a quick wash before getting out and walking towards his cupboard. He pulled open the doors, looking into his clothes. Alec reached out to grab a black shirt but stopped, he moved his hand over to dark navy shirt he had but stopped again.

“The burgundy shirt with those nice black jeans you’ve got” Alec turned around to see his sister stood in the hallway, her face leaning against the door frame.

Alec gave a small chuckle “Thanks sis” She gave a smile before closing the door and walking away. Alec turned around and grabbed the shirt his sister was talking about, pulling it over his head. Alec looked down at the sleeves. He pulled his left sleeve up. The white bandage was stark against the dark of his shirt. Alec walked back on sat on bed. He carefully undone the bandage, unwrapping it slowly. The finale layer fell off. Angry red lines was sprayed across his wrist, they had closed up and were healing. He rewrapped the wound and did his sleeves up. He checked his watch 6:50. He grabbed his keys and walked out of his room.  
“Have a nice time” Izzy called from her room. Alec called back a thank you and left the room.

Alec walked out of the lobby onto the street; the air was cold but not unbearable. He was glad he grabbed his leather jacket before heading out. He pulled out his phone and sent a quick text to Magnus to say he was outside. Alec shifted on his feet, fidgeting with his phone in his hand, his heart was beating slightly faster than usual, a slight tingle in his chest; not like when he has a panic attack, not painful and scary, something else

“Alexander”

Alec turned around to see Magnus stepping out of a yellow cab. He had his hair spiked up as usual, the tips a deep red. He had a black shirt on, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, he had the first few button undone, a mixture of difference necklaces hanging around his neck. He wore a pair of dark burgundy jeans.

“Hey” Alec replied, his voice sounding like he was out of breath.

Magnus gave Alec a smile “Want to walk there?” Magnus asks, gesturing down the street”, Alec gives a nod as they walk down the road, side by side. The air is cold; not a harsh cold, but cold enough to cause Goosebumps appear on Alec’s arms before quickly disappearing.

Magnus took a large breath, taking in a rush of cold air. “So how was your afternoon?”

Alec looked over at Magnus, who in turn was looking at him. Alec gave a small nod. “Yeah it, it was good, I helped Izzy with some of her school work” Magnus gave a smile. Alec took a small breath before continuing. “My dad called me again,” He said it quick, in the hope that Magnus wouldn’t hear.

Magnus’s smile disappeared from his face, he gave a small swallow, his Adam's apple moving in his throat. “Did you answer?” Magnus asked, nervously twisting the rings on his finger. He looked up at Alec, already getting his answer. Magnus pursued his lips unsure what to say for a moment. “Wanna talk about it?” He asked with caution.

Alec put his hands into his jeans pockets, “I said I’d meet him later, around 9” Alec gave a small shake of his head and a small sigh. “Izzy wasn’t happy about it” ‘Not happy about it’ seemed like an understatement to him. Alec looked over at Magnus who was looking ahead of him, an odd look on his face. “And I’m guessing you’re not either”

Magnus looked up at Alec, unsure what to say. Was he happy that Alec was about to go meet his homophobic, somewhat abusive father? No, he was not happy at all but he felt Alec wasn’t happy to see him either so decided not to push that point. “Why do you want to meet him?” Magnus asked.

Alec really hated this question; he had been thinking about it on the phone with his dad, when he got off the phone when he spoke to Izzy and if he was being honest with himself he still didn’t know the answer to it, his mind was far too confused. “-I just need some answers,” Alec said.

“And once you get them?” Magnus asked.

Alec opened his mouth and then closed it, “I didn’t think that far” Alec muttered.  
“I’m not going to say what you should or shouldn’t do but…Be careful, don’t let him take advantage of your kind nature” Magnus carefully said, knowing this was a delicate subject for Alec. He gave Alec a small smile, wanting to give him some reassurance.  
Alec gives Magnus a smile back. He appreciated what Magnus was trying to do. Trying to make Alec feel better about the whole twisted situation. Alec was about to thank Magnus when Magnus spoke up. “Here we are!” He said cheerfully.

Alec looked up to see a small restaurant. The sign’s background a deep red, the writing in large, gold, capitalised letters. The name ‘Injera’ on the red sign. Alec follows Magnus as he walks towards the large glass doors. Magnus reaches forward and pulls open the doors. Alec knits his eyebrows together for a second when he notices Magnus has not moved. It takes Alec a moment before he realises that Magnus is waiting for Alec to walk in; he was holding the door for him. Alec stutters a thank you before walking through the door. Magnus walks in after him and towards a wooden post where a waiter stood. The man looked up and gave the pair a smile. Magnus stopped at the wooden post, returning the smile. “Table reservation under Magnus, Magnus Bane” The waiter, opened a thin leather book, studying the names for a moment before nodding and walking around the table. “If you would both follow me please” Alec walks down the restaurant; one side with red leather booth, the other with green. The man walked to a red booth near the back of the restaurant. Alec gave the man a thankful nod before sitting down opposite Magnus.

“So you come here often?” Alec asked, looking around the place.

“Oh yes, this is one of the best Ethiopian places in New York,” Magnus said, moving a piece of his dark black hairs out of his face.

Ale continued to look around. The place had a good amount of people in it, not too busy but not to empty. There was some quite music in the background adding to the relaxing atmosphere. “It looks nice, I like it” Alec says, giving a nod. He places his hands on the table in front of him. “The only time I really eat out is with my family and we usually go to some over the top restaurant” Alec thought back to his family meal not to long ago. He hated those restaurant, he disliked the people there, all rich and just like his father. “Me and Izzy use to go to this crappy dinner back in DC” Alec gave a small chuckle as he thought of it. The place was small, much smaller than this. There being only being four booths in there. The menu on the other hand was the complete opposite, Alec had never seen a menu so large and full of different things. Alec remembered how Izzy would always take ages to decide what to eat, always going back and forth between her two favourite things on the menu before settling on the same one each time. “Our parents use to hate us going there”. Maryse use to say how unhealthy the food was, she disliked the children going there but would let it slide every now and then, Robert on the other hand wasn’t so relaxed about it. He would rant about the kids going there, constantly telling them they were ‘banned’ from there, but Alec would still take his sister there from time to time, he even took Max there once, him enjoying it just as much as his older brother and sister.

Magnus had a playful smile on his face. “That sounds like a very interesting place” Magnus chuckled. Alec gave a happy nod. “It sounds like you enjoyed DC then?” The waiter walked over to the table and put a jug of water in the middle, placing to menu in front of the pair.

Alec picked up large menu, opening the red leather book, studying it contexts. Alec didn’t like thinking about DC that much, there not being many happy thoughts. There were a few bright spots however. “The parks were nice. Me, Izzy and-“ Alec stopped talking for a moment, Magnus noticed this and looked up from his menu. Alec took a breath before continuing. “-And, Max use to play basketball all the time” He noticed a slight sadness cover Magnus eyes, Alec felt a slight pang of guilt in his chest knowing he had put that sadness there.

“You any good at it?” Magnus asked, clearly trying to add a lighter mood to the air.

“I guess I’m alright,” He said, playing with the pages of the menu.

He heard Magnus give a laugh. “You’re being modest”

Alec looked up at Magnus, not being able to not smile at the sight of the mans playful smile. “I guess I’m pretty good” He said, both of the boys laughed at the moment. “I tried to teach Izzy but it isn’t really her game, she’s more into lacrosse and kickboxing” Alec said.

“Kickboxing?!” Magnus replied, a surprised look on his face. “Sounds impressive”, He said, knowing how tough the sport was.

It was at this point that Alec realised he had just spoken about himself for the entire time and didn’t really know much about Magnus. “Uh what about you?” Alec said, putting his menu back down. “How was growing up in Brooklyn?”

Alec saw a slight change in Magnus demeanour, his hand ever so slightly tightening around his menu before he put it down in front of him, clasping his hands in front of him. “Challenging but I managed,” Magnus said, trying to sound light and flippant but Alec could see through it, doing that himself many times. Alec gave a small raise of is eyebrow. “Much like you I’m not practically close with my family,” Magnus said, looking down at his hands which are fidgeting together.

“I’m sorry,” Alec said. The same pang of guilt came back into Alec’s chest. He never really thought about Magnus’s past that much, having thought that it would be like everyone else’s; normal. Alec could admit that sometimes he got so wrapped up in his own mind and troubles that he forgot that other people had issues.

Magnus unclenched his hands in front of him, closing his menu. “I’ve got over it, made me stronger in the end”

Alec had heard that phrase many times in his life ‘pain makes you stronger’ Alec was still unsure if he believed it. “Do you think you’ll ever be close with them again? Your parents?” Alec wasn’t sure if he was asking because he was curious or because of personal reasons.

Magnus didn’t say anything for a while, Alec felt his heart beating slightly faster; did he push Magnus too far? Did he say something wrong? Alec was about to apologise when Magnus finally spoke. “My mother…died when I was young so, no, and my father well…I have no desire to be close with him, there’s no point having toxic people in your life just because there ‘family’, I created my only family” Magnus said with a level of confidence.

“And who are they?” Alec asked.

“Well there’s my friend Tessa” Magnus says, leaning closer on the table. “Ahh Tessa, she and I go way back” He says with a chuckle. “She reminds me a lot of you?” He says. Alec gives a small, coping Magnus move by leaning forward on the table. “You’re both very intelligent, both have a love of books and reading and are both very caring and kind to those close to her” Also Magnus made his list Alec felt his smile grow on his face, ducking his head to look at his hands instead, his face growing red. Magnus gave a flirtatious smile. “And incredibly stubborn” He finished.

Alec looked up at Magnus again, nodding his head and giving a small smile. “She sounds interesting,” Alec said.

“Then there’s Raphael, who maybe be a pain in my ass, but is incredibly loyal, I’ve known him a very long time” Magnus had a warm smile on his face and Alec could tell that Magnus cared for his friends a great deal. “Are there any friends of yours in DC that you keep in contact with?” Magnus asked.

“So how do you know Clary then?” Alec asked, remembering that the pair were friends.

“Ahh Clarissa” Magnus laughed. “I’ve known biscuit for a while now, I bumped into her at a art gallery and discovered she was attending the same university, very nice young girl” Magnus said. Alec could see why the pair would get on, as while they had their differences they both had this spark to life, a fire in there eyes. “She’s dating that roommate of your right? Jace, Jace-“

“Wayland, Jace Wayland” Alec finished. “Yeah he’s…he’s a good guy” Alec laughed, Jace had this whole ‘cool guy’ demeanour but he could see right through it “Totally smitten with Clary” Alec joked. Magnus gave a small laugh.

“So what about you, any particular friends back in DC?” Magnus inquired.

“No, no, not really” Alec quietly said. “I had a couple of close friends but after…after it happened” Alec paused looking at Magnus to see if he understood what he was referring to, not wanting to say it himself. “After it happened I, I just I just kinda pushed everyone way, I didn’t bother trying to make new friends.” Alec admitted.

Magnus gave a sympathetic smile “So any thought on what you’re going to change your course to?”

“Uhh no, no I really haven’t thought about, things have been kinda crazy lately that I guess I kinda forgot I have to go back to uni” It was true, Alec really hadn’t thought about university at all, just trying to deal with is family. However Magnus was right; Alec would have to go back at some point.

“Well you don’t have to, you could always take some time off” Magnus kindly said. “Under the circumstances I think the university would understand” Alec was sure that Magnus was right, after what happened back in DC his school was incredibly lenient with him, allowing him to leave class early and didn’t push him as hard, much to his fathers dismay. “But its up to you of course, you can make whatever choice you want” Magnus gave Alec a smile before reaching his hands out ever so slightly, the top of his fingers brushing Alec’s out reached hands. “Its your life.

Alec looked at Magnus hands in front of him. Part of him wanting to return the movement, another part unsure about it, Alec decided to hold back, pulling his hands back into his lap. Alec was expecting to see a look of hurt on Magnus face but he didn’t see that; he saw understanding. “You don’t have to be nervous Alec” Magnus quietly said. “This isn’t some kind of test, you can relax”

Alec looked down at the hands he had just removed from the table, taking a large breath. “Yeah I know I just” Alec brought his hands up again, gesturing to Magnus and himself. “I’ve never really done this before” He nervously said, resting his hands down on the table.

“You haven’t gone on a date before?” Magnus said, slightly surprised. Alec was a incredibly good looking young boy, he would imagine people would be fight for a chance to go on a date with him. However as Magnus thought about it more it did make sense. Alec had been in the closet for many years, of course Alec wouldn’t have gone on any dates. He looked at Alec, who seemed to be thinking about something.

“I mean my parents made me have dinner with this girl that was the daughter of some wealthy guy my dad knew” Alec admitted, he gave a light shake of his head, “it-it was a disaster”

Magnus felt a wave of guilt for Alec, he couldn’t imagine having to live a false life to please people, Magnus was who he was and he was okay with that. “There quite simple, especially when you generally like and have a interest in the person” Magnus said.

“So this should go much better then” Alec replied, one side of his lip going upwards to produce a small smirk.

Alec took a breath, placing his hands back on the table, leaning in. “Can I ask you something?” His voice was quitter and more cautious.

“Of course Alexander” Magnus softly said.

“The-the day we met” He stuttered, fidgeting with the coaster in front of him, not looking Magnus in the eye. “There were plenty of empty seats in that café, why did you sit with me” His voice sounded unsure, Alec looked up from the table, biting his lip.

Magnus smiled. “I thought that was obvious?” Alec raised his eyebrow at Magnus, tilting his head to the side. “I thought you were cute,” Magnus said, playfully winking his eye at Alec.

“And the reason you then sat behind me in class?” Alec said.

“Because I wanted to see you again,” Magnus said, like it was obvious.

“Why?” Alec said, generally confused.

Magnus looked at Alec, opening his mouth, he seemed surprised that Alec had asked this question, trying to find the best way to answer it. “Why do you seem so surprised that I would want to see you again?”

“Well I didn’t make the best first impression ”Alec said as he thought back to their first encounter and the way he fled the restaurant.

“It wasn’t the worse first impression, plus I have a sense for these kind of things” Magnus teased.

“A sense?” Alec inquired.

“When people are worth fighting for” Magnus sincerely said, keeping eye contact with Alec, giving a small smile which Alec returned.

“I’m sure I didn’t make it easy so I appreciate it,” He said. Magnus gave a small smile at Alec, his eyes bright. “So how is the course going then? I mean I know its not for me but you like it, is it going okay?” Alec asked.

“Yeah it’s going well, I mean the class is a lot more dull without your face to look at but I’m making due” Magnus playfully joked.

“So what persuaded you to take that course? Anything in particular?” Alec said.

“Arguing is fun, why not get paid for it?” Magnus joked like he had before when Alec had asked. Alec gave Magnus a look. Magnus seemed to understand what Alec was asking. He gave a small sigh. “I know this job is quite controversial; having to defend people that don’t deserve it but, I think there something noble in defending the people that can’t defend themselves, the law doesn’t defend everyone, so someone has to” Magnus said, he paused for a moment before giving Alec a odd look. “What?”

It was when Magnus asked that Alec noticed he was smiling quite hard, he shook his head trying to clear it slightly. “Nothing, its just…” Alec felt a small lump I his throat at Magnus speech, having watched his farther be a defender for years for the wrong reason. “…That’s really nice” He said. Alec slightly reach his finger out and brushed Magnus hand. Magnus looked up at Alec, a look of joy covering his face. It was then the waiter came over. The pair ordered there food and spoke until it arrived. Alec was sure they went through every topic. They spoke more about Magnus’s friends and how he came to know them, why they both picked that university. After the pairs food they continued to speak. Alec found that the words just tumbled out of his mouth, conversation coming easily. Usually Alec; at best, could manage small talk but that was about it. It was different with Magnus, he didn’t feel like he had to watch his words, he could speak freely without fear. After speaking for a while longer Alec realised that he would have to meet his father soon. Magnus called the waiter over got the bill.

Alec and Magnus walked out of the restaurant onto the now dark street. The pair continued to walk down the street talking.

“So what do you want to do now?” Magnus asked.

Alec gave a dejected sigh. “Umm, I should really get going, I’ve got to meet my-“ Alec gave another sigh.

“Your father?” Magnus finished.

Alec gave a slow nod, uneasily biting his lower lip.

Magnus stopped walking, turning around to face Alec. “You sure you want to go through with it? I mean its up to you of course but-“

Alec stopped Magnus. “I need to do it, I just get some closure”

Magnus gave an uneasy nod. He was still unsure about this, wanting to protect Alec from his clearly toxic father. “I hope it all goes okay Alexander” Magnus said, giving Alec a reassuring smile.

Alec gave a cough, clearly his through before speaking.

Alec shifted on his feet, looking down at the ground. “So do you, I dunno- I mean I had a good time, I was just-“ Alec stuttered.

Magnus smiled and gave a small chuckle. “Yes I would love to go out again” Magnus said.

“Really?” Alec smiled, clearly surprised at Magnus answer.

“You seem surprised” Magnus joked. However it quickly dawned on Magnus that Alec was being serious; he was confused as to why Magnus would want to see him again. Magnus felt a small piece of his heart break at Alec’s clear lack of self worth. Magnus slowly reached his hand out and took hold of Alec’s, which was hanging near his body. “I had a great time Alexander” Magnus said quietly, trying to reassure the clearly nervous Alec. Magnus gave Alec’s hand a squeeze, Alec looked down at there hands and squeezed back.

He wanted to stay. He didn’t want to go meet his father but he knew that he had to. He squeezed Magnus hand again before releasing it.

“I should-“ Alec pointed over his shoulder, gesturing to the street behind him.

“Of course,” Magnus said.

“I’ll call you tomorrow” Alec said with a smile. Magnus gave a nod. Alec took a breath, quickly leaning forward to kiss Magnus cheek before turning around to head towards the café he was meant to meet his father. Alec quickly looked behind to see Magnus walking back to his own home, Magnus looked over his shoulder and the pair caught eye contact. Magnus gave Alec a smile before Alec turned around again. Alec took a large breath, letting himself relax. He went on a date with Magnus Bane, he was going on another one and he couldn't wait.


	17. Final Straw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec goes to see his dad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So unlike the last chapter, this one focus much more angsty and deals with Alec's relationship with his dad, I hope you guys enjoy it!  
> Please feel free to leave a comment, I really love hearing what you guys think! Anyway, enjoy the chapter!  
> -A♥

Alec started to walk when he heard his phone beep in his pocket. He pulled it out to see he had a message from a number he didn’t know. He frowned before opening the message. 

'How about we met at my apartment instead, be much easier to talk? – Dad'

Alec gave a frustrated sigh; he knew that this wasn’t a question but rather a demand. At the bottom of his message was his address. Alec held a cab and headed that way. He flipped the phone in his hand, feeling his nerves rise in his chest. He started to think why he was doing this; yes, he wanted answers but how badly he thought. It was odd, Alec never really liked his father but he never really cared about being around him, just dealing with his father's crap. But as Alec sat in the cab, he couldn't think of anything worse than being in a room with Robert. The cab stopped outside a nice looking hotel block that Alec had heard of before. Alec got out of the cab closing the door. He looked up at the building, it was very grand and clearly expensive, Alec gave a scoff; typical of his father. Alec entered the lobby and walked to the lift, looking around him. The hotel felt cold and large like it was empty. The doors opened and Alec got in, he tried to think about what he wanted to ask as the lift went up the floors. The doors finally opened and Alec got out. He walked down the long corridor towards the room his father was staying in. Alec wanted the corridor to never end, that fate much more enjoyable that the one that he was about to meet. Eventually, he reached the door, knocking on it. The door quickly opened, as his father had been stood there waiting for him. Robert had a large smile on his face.

“Alec!” He joyfully said. “Come in, come in,” He says, moving out the way of the doorway. Alec pause before walking into the room. He doesn’t sit down on the sofa but just stands in the room. “Can I get you anything to eat or drink?” Robert asks, sitting down on a white fabric chair.

Alec shook his head, not looking at his father. Alec could feel the tension pushing down on his chest. “Why am I here?” He calmly asked, his voice feeling cold and distance.

 His father gave a large sigh, clasping his hands in front of him, looking down at the floor, not making eye contact with Alec. “I want to explain myself, explain what I meant-“

“I think I gathered what you meant” Alec coldly said, as interrupted his father.

“Alec I’m sorry,” His father said. Alec gave a dismissive huff as he turned his back on his father, pacing the room. He heard his father get up from the Sofa. “I was stressed and tired and I took it out on you, that was a mistake,” He said, trying to sound caring and loving; Alec hated it.

Alec turned around to his father, his arms crossed over his chest. “You pinned me against the wall”. He was trying to sound harsh and angry but it just came out as…sad.

“I know and I cannot put into words how anger I am at myself for doing that, It was out of order and I have no excuse for it” Robert tried to give Alec a smile but it just fell flat.

Alec opened his mouth before letting it fall shut, he gave a shake of his head before rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. “I don’t know what you want me to say” His voice was quite. 

Robert took a step forward. “Say you don’t hate me”

Alec looked at his father. He wanted to say he hated his father. He wanted to spite him. Say he hated him for how he made Alec feel growing up, for how he treat him, for what he said, for what he did to the family. Robert was a selfish, cold man, but Robert was also the man that had raised him for 18 years; fed him, put a roof over his head, played baseball with him when he was a kid. Alec always thought that hating someone would be easy, but it turned out to be one of the hardest things. Alec took a shaky breath, looking down at the floor. “I don’t hate you” His voice was almost a whisper.

“That’s a start,” His father said with a smile. Alec felt his stomach slightly flip. “How’s your mother?” Robert asked, sitting back down in the chair.

“She dealing,” Alec said, not wanting to discuss his mother with his father.

“That’s good, really good…I miss her” Robert said, a sad smile on his face. Alec clenched his jaw, walking around the room slightly. “Alec I know your mother and I fight but I do love her, I always have, I don’t want to lose her” Alec couldn’t see his father but he sure that he had a sad look on his face, like the one he wore in court. “Why don’t we all meet up? Me, you, Isabelle and your mother?” Alec cringe at that idea. 

He perched on the edge of the opposite sofa. “I-I don’t know if mom will go through with that?” He confessed.

“But you can talk to her? She’ll listen to you!” His father exclaimed, standing up. As Robert walked towards Alec he stood up from the sofa edge, walking backwards. “I’m just asking you to talk to her” He quietly said.

Alec gave a sigh and a nod. 

“How’s Isabelle?” Robert asked.

Alec felt his jaw clench again, he really didn’t want to think about his father seeing Izzy again, wanting to keep Izzy away from the man. He decided to keep his answer brief, not enjoying the conversation with his father. “Good” He gave a slight nod.

“So when are you starting classes again?” His dad asked, clearly trying to make conversation.

“I haven’t really thought about it” Alec admitted, not wanting to talk about this either. Alec felt his body tensing up, every conversation topic making him more uncomfortable than the last.

“That’s good, get you back in the game,” His father said with false joy. The hotel room phone rang, filling the silence that had entered the room. Robert stood up and walked over to it, he checked the number of the phone and turned to Alec. “Excuse me a second, I’ll be right back”, He gave Alec a smile before walking into the bedroom and closing the door. Alec lets out a large breath, his shoulders sagging. Alec stands up from the chair, stretching his arms. He squeezes the back of his neck, wiping his hands down his face. Alec starts looking around the hotel room. It filled with dark woods, the coffee table, the door, the desk. Alec starts walking around, the sofa’s were all light whites, as well as the walls. As Alec walked around he passed his father's desk. Alec paused, looking down. The dark mahogany desk was covered in papers and his father darks deep, black, leather briefcase. Alec could see cases files on the table, it reminded him of his father’s desk back home. Suddenly Alec could hear a buzzing from the table, he noticed a bright light under the papers. Alec carefully moved one of the papers aside, revealing his father's phone. Alec looked down and saw that it was a message from his assistant ‘Meeting at town hall tomorrow, bring all your paperwork. Did you do what I say and get a meeting with your family?’ Alec slowly sat down on the chair, picking up the phone to get a closer look at what it said. ‘You can’t be running for Congress while going through a divorce and having children that don’t talk to you so make sure you get it fixed, I don’t care what you have to do or have to say but get your image back on track, don’t let that kids ruin things for you. Let me know what’s happening’ Alec kept a looking down at the phone, the messages on the screen became slightly blurry, he felt his lip slightly trembling. Alec squeezed the phone in his hand; he stood up in a flurry, the chair being launched back onto the floor with a crash. Alec heard his father calling for him but he ignored it and dashing out of the room, slamming the door behind him in an incredible thud. Alec took off down the hallway, reaching the end of the hall he furiously slammed the elevator button repeatedly, Alec used the top part of his arm to a wipe his face while squeezing the phone which was still in his hand. The doors opened and Alec walked in, a loud clang as they close. Alec paced the small space in the lift, his low lip still trembling. He could feel his hands starting to do that same. Alec suddenly felt how small the lift was, he wanted to lash out and fit the walls to get space, Alec wasn’t sure. Alec stormed out into the lobby and out of the main doors back into the street. Alec didn’t know where he was going but he didn’t want to be there anymore. He could hear shouting behind him but didn’t stop or move, he just wanted to be gone. “Alec?!” He heard Robert shout, Alec felt a wave of rage course through him, he clenched the phone again, feeling the cold metal biting into his skin. “ALEC! Where are you going?” Alec ignored his father's voice; keep his head forward not looking back once. He had to get out of here, to get away from him “HEY!” The shout sounded angry and frustrated, which in turn made Alec more annoyed. “What are you doing?” He called.

Suddenly Alec stopped in his track and swung around, “You’re running for congress!” He spat at his father.

“What?” Robert sighed back, out of breath. He was trying to sound like he had no idea what Alec was saying or talking about.

This blatant lie anger Alec even more. “I saw the text!” He yelled. Holding the phone up to his father's face. His father just started at him and the phone for a moment, like he was trying to think about it. His face changed clearly understand what Alec was talking about.

Robert hung his head for a moment giving a sigh “Ale-“ 

“Don’t let your son ruin this for you-“ Alec repeated the message to his father before shaking his head and starting to walk off.

He heard his father walking up behind him. Alec felt something on his arm before he was suddenly being moved to the left. Robert had pulled him down a corner, escaping the main streets. “Alec I can explain-“ His father breathed.

“You are such full of shit!” Alec spat again, ripping his arm from Robert's grip. Not giving his dad a chance to reply or defend himself Alec continued, everything starting to fall into place in his head. “That’s why you wanted this meal, that’s why you wanted me to get mom to give you a second chance because you’re running for congress!” Alec turned away from his dad, he kept his eyes to the floor, giving them a squeeze to try and clear his sight.

Robert shook his head at Alec. “No, that’s-that’s not true! I wanted -“

Alec turned around again, getting close to his dad. “You wanted to keep your perfect image! The Lightwoods, the perfect couple with their perfect children” Alec was getting increasingly angry now, every word he said either being yelled or spat out.

Robert held his hands out in front him like he was trying to calm Alec like he was some wild animal. “I can understand why you would think that but it’s not true!” Alec felt his chest rising quickly. “You’re my son I love you!“ Alec didn’t say anything for a moment. He was in disbelief. He stepped forward towards his dad, his eyebrows furrowed 

“You love me?” He said quietly, his voice was calm and cold, no relief or happiness in it. “You love me?!” Alec harshly yelled, every ounce of self-restraint being ripped from his body, like his someone had broken the dam, everything rushing out. “10 months you knew! 10 months and you said nothing! You did nothing to help” Alec screamed, his chest was moving furiously, his hands shaking next to him, he could feel his eyes welling again and for the first time in a while, he didn’t care. “You let me fall deeper and deeper into self-loathing to the point where I couldn’t even make it through the week without cutting myself, having a panic attack or throwing up” Something had snapped in Alec, the wall that stopped him from talking about this had shattered, his feelings coming out like vomit, unable to stop it. “You could have stopped it! You could have done something but you choose not to!” Alec’s breath hitched, he tried to steady it but to no use, he was too far-gone. “You made me feel like…” Alec’s lip trembled, tears perched on the edge of his eye ready to spill out at any point. Alec clenched his fist, shaking his head “You had me feel like I didn’t matter, that- that it would have been better of if I died that night” Alec started to stumble over his words, his voice getting caught in his chest. 

“Alec-“ His father sharply interdicted.

“It wasn’t my fault!” Alec cried, he sounded as if he was choking, his voice strained and twisted. “I did EVERYTHING I could and I am tired of being made to feel like I killed him because I didn’t, I-I didn’t kill him” His breath was all over the place, his anger tone had turned into a chocked sob, tears crashed over the edge of his eyes, like waves crashing over a wall. “I AM NOT BROKEN” Alec finally screamed, a quiet sob followed, Alec took a large breath, stifling the sobs. He caught them in his throat. He was still breathing heavy. Alec turned away from his dad. Suddenly his eyes caught the sight of a rusting silver trash can, black broken bin bags next to it. Alec was so wrapped up with anger and fighting that he had failed to notice where his father had taken him before the argument. Alec quickly turned away from the place and started to walk back to the street, wanting to leave his father and the confined place he was stood in.

“Alec don’t walk away from me please let's talk about this!-” His father yelled.

“No! I am done talking to you, all you do is lie and try to progress yourself and I am done with it!” Alec said, trying to keep his voice stern and controlled as he walked away.

“We’re family-“ His father said, trying to inject a hint on care into his voice.

Alec stopped walking for a moment. He clenched his jaw and turned back towards Robert. “Just because we’re family doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want and expect me to deal with it” He returned to the place he was stood a moment ago, he could still feel the warm heat of the tears on his cheeks. “Being family doesn’t give you an excuse to be a shitty person” He snapped. 

“Hey watch the language, Alec!” It was Roberts turn to snap now, he shoved his finger in Alec’s face; this was the man Alec knew.

Alec felt the rage build again, his chest felt heavy like it was filled with bricks. He shoved his father’s hand from his face, taking another step closer. “Or what, you’ll shove me up against the wall again?" 

“You ungrateful little shit! I have given everything for you!” His voice was harsh and unwavering, spit flew from his mouth as he yelled at Alec. “Do you know how hard I worked to get you the best chance of getting into Harvard?” He clenched his jaw, bringing his hand up again, pointing at himself. “Do you know what I had to do? You had a sure place, all you had to do was get the score and you screwed it up? Was it to spite me?” 

“Spite you?” Alec replied. Alec couldn’t comprehend the conversation they were having, what his father was saying. “What is wrong with you? Not everything is about you!” He yelled.

Robert shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I tried Alec, I have been patient with you but I just, I just don’t know what to do?” He threw his arms out to the side before grabbing Alec’s left wrist, his voice rising again. “You barge into our apartment with this ridiculous attempt at sympathy, to turn your mother against me-“ Just as quickly as he grabbed Alec’s wrist, Alec pulled it away from his father, spitting back through clenched teeth. “Oh, you did that all by yourself you arrogant ass!”

Robert charged forward, making Alec stumble back slightly. “DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO ME LIKE THAT” He roared.

Alec was aware what he was doing; he was pushing his father, purposely winding him up to a point of frenzy, but Alec didn’t care, he was past the point of caring. He was angry, furious and he wanted his father to know. “You and mom, you’re done!” Alec shouted, “She’ll never take you back, she hates you” He coldly said. 

“Shut your mouth!” Robert hissed.

“Nothing you say will change her mind, you’re done!” Alec repeated again, knowing it was a pressure point.

“SHUT IT!” Robert took another step forward but Alec didn’t care, he kept pushing.

“And as for Izzy! She’ll never forgive you either!” Alec knew this was a dangerous game he was playing, it was like poking an exposed wire; the ending was inevitable.

“Don’t you talk about Izzy!” His father bellowed. 

Time for one final poke. “And you can be sure that mom and I will make sure that you don’t ever get to see her again you toxic piece of sh-“

Before Alec could finish, a piercing pain shot up his back and into his head. He suddenly felt a pressure against his neck. Alec pulled his eyes open, the force of the shove having closed them. Robert was inches from Alec’s face, Robert's forearm was pressed harshly against Alec’s neck. Alec immediately dropped Robert’s phone to the floor, his hands flew up to try and pull the arm away but nothing happened. Alec’s breathing became hitched, he started to kick his legs against the wall behind him, trying to pry his body away from Robert or loosen his grip but nothing was happening, every movement he made making Robert grip tighten, his body was going into panic mood. “DON’T you DARE threaten to take MY DAUGHTER away from ME!” Robert hissed, his jaw clenched, his dark brown eyes almost seeming completely black, no love or affection in them, just hollow.

Alec tried pulling the arm away again, the panic started to increase, Alec’s legs continued to kick out against the wall behind him trying to break free. He felt like he was trapped between two walls. It was as if his senses were heightened, he could smell Roberts overbearing colonel, the damp trash around him. Alec tried to take a large breath but not much went in. “Le-t – g-o-” He choked. He wanted to scream but he didn’t have enough air. His knees started to shake, along with his whole body. Robert didn’t say anything, he just looked at Alec. Suddenly a rush of air came back into Alec’s chest as he hit the damp ground bellow him. His hands crashed into the gravel, stopping his face inches from the group. He was breathing quickly, almost like he was hyperventilating.

“Don’t you ever threaten me again!” His father said from above. Alec tried to regain his breathing; it was like trying to regain control of a wild bull; almost impossible. Alec was counting in his head like Izzy had taught him. He heard his father curse from above him, and then there was a sigh. “Alec“ His father voice was quite and soft. No anger to it, it wasn’t harsh or cold but warm. He saw his father in his peripheral vision. He was knelt down next to him, he reached out to place his hand on Alec’s shoulder. 

“Don’t touch me” Alec bites back, he wanted to move away from him but was too scared, worried he would throw up or pass out if he did.

“I’m sorry,” His dad said. Just like he had said when he was younger, just like he said on the phone, just like he said at dinner, all of them being lies.

Alec finally looked up from the floor, his vision blurry and uncertain.

“No you’re not” He quietly said, Alec felt a hot sensation run down his cheek, before falling onto in his lip, a salty taste appearing in his mouth. His lip was trembling slightly. Robert didn’t say anything. He slowly stood up from his kneeling position. Alec looked as Robert walked in circles for a bit before he stood a few feet from Alec.

“Just go,” Alec said. Robert looked down at him. “I won't tell mom just…just go” Alec looked up at Robert, his cheeks warm with tears, he opened his mouth the speak as another tear trickled down his cheek. “Please” It was quiet, no anger in it, just pure desperation. Robert looked at Alec for a moment before giving a small nod. He turned on his heels and walked away from Alec. He watched as Robert quickly turned the corner and disappeared round the corner. Alec sucked in a large breath, his breath becoming ragged. He turned his head to look around. So overcome with what was happening Alec didn’t have time to react to his surroundings. He was in a dark, damp alley. A few lights were attached to the building; they would randomly flicker, creating shadows along the alleyway, like rats were moving around. Alec moved his eyes across the ground. There was a large puddle of water further along the alleyway. When the lights flickered off, the puddle looked darker, it didn’t look like water anymore, but darker, deeper, almost like blood. Alec quickly pushed himself off the ground, ignoring the stinging in the palms as he quickly walked over to the liquid on the ground. Alec finally reached it and looked down. It was a large muddy puddle; no blood. Alec looked back up, the rest of the alley was drenched in darkness, if someone was stood there, he wouldn’t know. He quickly turned around from the darkness. It was almost as if someone had hit play on a movie, it playing out in front of him. He could hear himself sighing and complaining as him and Max turned into the alley away, the smell of rubbish and damp trash becoming more propionate. Alec looked down at his hand; he could almost feel Max’s tiny warm hand gripping it for safety. He felt a rush of wind of his back. He turned around to the dark tunnel. For a moment Alec thought he could smell the guys disgusting breath on his neck, the sickly warmth of his breath on his face. Alec heard something scuttling behind the bin, he turned away from the darkness towards the wall. His back started to ache, like he was pushed up against it again, his chest feeling tight. Alec felt like he was in a trance, forced to watch the events play out again in front of him. Alec could hear it in his head, like someone had just turned the volume up; Alec was screaming, yelling, and begging with everything he had. Suddenly the shot rang out, even thought rationally Alec knew it wasn’t real, this was all in his head, he still flinched, squeezing his eyes shut, forcing tears that he was unaware had gathered to pour down his cheek. The warm feeling that was in his hand was gone. The alley fell silent again. Alec looked around, he stumbled forward slightly, he quickly turned around as his back fell against the wall, his back staggered down the wall as he hit the floor. More tears were falling down his cheek, his lip trembling. Alec looked up to the sky, not wanting to look at the alleyway. Alec felt a sob escape his mouth, he tried to stifle them, holding his breath to try to stop them. Alec looked back down, he could see his father's cell phone lying on the damp ground. Alec reached out and shakily picked the phone up from the floor. He brought it close to is face. He tapped the phone the screen lighting up.

 

‘The people want a caring, thoughtful man on congress, learn to play the part.’ Alec stared down at new message on the phone. Alec felt his breath stop in his throat, he gave the phone one final squeeze before launching across the alleyway, the phone crashing into the dark brick wall, shattering into pieces. It didn’t feel like enough. He kicked his leg out in front of him, surprised when it came into contact with a metal trashcan. The loud clang rang out through the alleyway. Alec kicked out again, and again and again, suddenly he was overcome by a wave anger and sadness as he broke down entirely. Alec felt himself unravelling like someone had reached into his head and pulled forth every painful thought and feeling. He gave a cry of anger as he kicked the bin, he hated his father he thought as his foot crashed into the bin, his back sliding further down the wall. He hated him; crash, he hated him; crash. Alec furiously pushed himself off the ground and launched forward at the trashcan. He seized the bin and threw it across the alleyway, it crashing into the wall with an enormous clatter. It still wasn’t enough; the rage was still in Alec’s chest crushing him. He grabbed the closest thing around him; a glass bottle. He launched it across the alley, it disappearing into the darkness before a crash echoes out. He grabs another bottle, then another and another until there is none left. Alec is panting hard. He staggers back to the wall, sliding down. He’s breathing hard. The rage had subsided now, there was just a hollow sadness there. Alec felt heavy sobs escape him, he was gasping for breath as the sobs wracked through his body. There was rawness to the sadness and grief like someone had torn the stitches out of him exposing an open wound. Alec had tried hard to push any feeling, any pain from that night away, locking it away in a safe in the back of his mind, the grief and despair occasionally spilling out. Tonight it was if someone had taken a sledgehammer to that safe, the pain not being locked away anymore. More sobs came from Alec as he sat on the ground. He didn’t know what to do.

Go to Izzy and his mom? No

Go to Jace? No

Go to Magnus? No 

The sobs started to come to an end. Alec managing to catch his breath finally, taking a few large breaths. He pulled his legs up slightly, resting his hands on his knees. He thought. He kept thinking. 

He came to a frightening realisation. He had reached a point; a point where he had to make a decision. He could either carry on like he was. Getting better than ultimately failing again and repeating until it was too much for him, or Alec could break that cycle, do something different, do something that he hated the thought of but rationally, might help. Alec slides his phone out of his pocket. He typed what he needed until he got the number he needed. He stopped before ringing it. Alec felt sick, he wasn’t sure if it was from the crying or from what he was about to do. Alec didn’t think about it when he pressed the call button, bring it to his face.

“Hi, this is Alexander Lightwood” Alec calmly said to the woman on the phone. “I’d like to make an appointment to see the university counsellor, soon as possible would be good” He quickly said. “Tomorrow?” Alec thought it would be a while, giving him time to back out. “Um yeah, yeah that’s fine” He quickly said. He thanked the woman before hanging up the phone putting it back. He gave a sigh, feeling unsure about what he had just done. Alec made no effort to move from the floor, even though he was incredibly damp and cold. Finally, Alec pushed himself off the floor, his back gave an angry protest, an ache already forming. Alec walked out of the alleyway, into the light street. He held his arm out, a yellow cab quickly pulling up to the side. He opened the door and slide in, resting his head against the back of the seat. The ride felt short. The taxi pulled up outside the apartment, Alec paid the man and got out. He looked up at the large building before heading inside. The elevator doors pinged open as he walked down the hall. He placed his key in the lock and pushed open the door. The living room was empty. He locked the door behind him, placing the key on the side. Alec quietly walked into the living room; he looked at the doorways. The doorway to his mother’s room was dark, indicating she was asleep. Alec looked towards his sisters. There was a faint glow under the doorway. Alec quietly walked towards it. He paused before gently knocking on the door. He waited a moment before pushing it open. Izzy was lead on her bed, a pair of grey shorts and a black vest top. Alec poked his head around the door. Izzy looked up from the book she was reading.

“Alec” She cheerfully said, putting the book at the end of the bed. Alec gave his sister a smile as he walked into the room. “How was it” She grinned, her eyes lighting up, almost being the brightest thing in the room.

“It was…it was good” Alec smiled, thinking back to it. Even though it was just a few hours ago it felt much longer like that.

“Good?” She asked, clearly wanting details. Alec gave a little chuckle. He walked around the bed and sat down next to her.

“Yeah, we talked about stuff; his family, his friend's stuff like that” Alec replied, crossing his arms over his chest. “It was really good” He smiled.

“Where did you go?” Izzy asked. Pulling her hair up into a long ponytail.

“We went this, this restaurant, an Ethiopian place, it was really nice” Alec replied, pulling his legs up on the bed, crossing his arms over his chest.

“You going to see him again?” She asked, turning to face her brother, her legs crossed. 

“Yeah, yeah I am” Alec smiled. “I mean we haven’t decided what were going to do yet but we said we’d see each other again so” Alec realised that he was rambling when he say Izzy smiling at him, trying not to laugh. He stopped speaking, looking down at the bed with a small smile. Izzy reached out and give his shoulder a squeeze. Not being able to stop it Alec gave a small hiss of pain, reaching his own hand up to hold it for a second. Izzy quickly pulled her hand away, her face overcome with worry. He reached out and squeezed his sister's hand, not wanting to panic her. “It's alright I think I just pulled it getting out the cab or something.” He said, giving it a soothing rub.

“Sure you didn’t pull it another way?” She smirked, giving Alec a wink. Alec just sighed and shook is head at his little sister, causing Izzy to laugh. The pair went silent for a moment. Izzy moved on the bed so she was lying down next to Alec. They both just lied there for a while, just enjoying each other’s company. Alec hadn’t been in university very long but he did miss his sister tremendously, just being in the same room as his sister relaxed his nerves.

“Did you see dad?” She sounded nervous like she wasn’t sure if she should ask.

Alec pushed himself up on the bed, so he was sitting up, his back resting against the headboard. “Yeah, I did” Alec replied, not saying much else.

“How’d it go?” She asked, sitting up like Alec had. Alec turned to face her; she was twisting one of the strains of her fair, clearly nervous for Alec’s response. Alec didn’t want to lie to her; tell her it went fine and that all was forgiven, She wouldn’t believe that, she did deserve to know the true. However if Alec told her everything, it would just make her worry more, he didn’t want to add any more stress onto his little sister.

“You were right,” Alec said, looking up at the ceiling. He turned to look at Izzy. She was giving him a look, asking him to be more specific. “About him not deserving our forgiveness” Alec’s voice was quite. He felt Izzy’s arm wrapped around Alec’s shoulder, her head resting on his other shoulder. “He’s running for congress” Alec admitted, he felt Izzy look up at Alec, her head still resting on his shoulder. “That’s why he wanted to make up, he needs a…a” Alec felt that lump coming back into his throat, “Perfect family” He gave a sigh, he felt Izzy tighten her grip on Alec’s shoulder. “I hate him” Alec emotional croaked.

“I’m sorry Hermano” Izzy whispered. Alec gave a small smile. The pair just sat on the bed, not saying anything for a while. “I love you Alec”, Izzy whispers, keeping her head on Alec’s shoulder. 

Alec turned his head and gave Izzy a kiss on her forehead. “Love you too sis”, Alec closed his eyes as he sat on the bed. Today had been a long day he thought. Although Alec tried not to, he couldn’t help but think about his conversation with his dad. Did Alec regret it? He still wasn’t sure about that. He had wanted to go there for answers, and in some ways he did. He wanted to know why his father never did anything when he found out and Alec now knew; he just didn’t care, and in some ways, Alec was okay with that because he no longer cared either, he was done with his dad, done with the selfishness and the lies. He moved his head slightly to see Isabelle, who appeared to be asleep on Alec’s shoulder. He smiled, he may not have his father, but he still had his sister, who would always be there. As he started to drift he thought of how even know he had lost someone tonight, he had gained someone new, someone he was sure he could trust; Magnus Bane.


	18. Not The Enemy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So firstly sorry this chapter has taken such a long time I am truly sorry! Life has a way of getting in the way so I do apologise guyss!
> 
> Secondly this chapter doesn't actually have any malec in but there is lotss of mention of Alec and plenty of Jace and Alec bropt to make up for it!  
> The next chapter is very Malec so you'll have that to look forward to! And I can promise you that this next chapter will not take months to post as I have most of it ready!
> 
> Thirdly we are coming to the end of this fic! While I haven't got a definite end, we are about 5 chapters at the most from finishing! If you guys have any prompts for me you want me to write feel free to leave me a comment, I would love to hear your ideas! 
> 
> As always enjoy the fic! - A♥

 Alec’s eyes slowly fluttered open. After a few moments of trying to fall back asleep Alec finally pried opened his eyes. For a moment Alec didn’t move, he just kept his eyes on the ceiling. He slowly turned his head round to the bedside table; 7:30 am. Alec gave a small sigh, his chest rising up and slowly falling back down. He felt tired. That was the only thing Alec could think of at the moment. He pulled himself up in the bed, his back resting against the headboard. Alec felt his back twinge, he gave a small groan as his head slowly hit the back of the headboard as well, a small ache worked its way down his head and neck, connecting to his back. Alec reached his hands up and rubbed his eyes, trying to clear the sleep from them. He brought his hand round to his neck and gave it a rub, trying to relieve some of the tension in his body. Alec moved his hand over to the bedside table and grabbed his phone, he clicked the screen, the sudden brightness caused Alec to briefly squint. A message appeared on his screen, he brought his free hand up to wipe his eyes again.

_7:00 am: Hi Alexander Lightwood, this is Victor Aldertree reminding you we have a counselling session today at 9 am, I look forward to meeting you._

Alec put the phone back down on the bedside table. He reached his hand up and ran it through his hair, giving a small pull. For a brief moment, Alec had forgotten he rang the university the night before. Alec pulled himself out of the bed, Alec stumbled, having to grab the bedside table to support himself. Alec’s ankle had a deep pain within it. He quickly stumbled back and sat back down on the bed. He tried to stretch his ankle out, moving it from side to side, a sharp pain whenever he did. Alec didn’t need to think about what caused that, he already knew.

_His foot crashed into the bin, his back sliding further down the wall. He hated him; crash, he hated him; crash_

Alec rapidly blinked his eyes, trying to clear the image from his mind. Alec grabbed the phone off the nightstand and shoved it into his joggers. He carefully pushed himself off the bed, steadying himself on the headboard. He slowly put his foot down on the floor, feeling a sharp pain, Alec breathed trying to get the pain to leave, after a moment of putting more pressure and waiting for the pain to leave Alec was finally able to walk on it.

Alec slowly walked into the living room. The room was silent, Izzy and his mother still asleep. He quietly walked into the kitchen, grabbing the coffee pot and filling it up. While waiting for the coffee Alec pulled his phone out again, looking down at the message. His fingers hovered over the reply button. He lightly tapped the key, not yet pressing it. Alec cursed himself, why did he make that call? Alec didn’t want to think about last night, he had already started pushing the night to the back of his mind, building a wall around it, blocking it off. Maybe he could ring them, tell them it was a mistake, tell them he couldn’t make it. Alec turned his head towards the coffee pot, which to his surprise was silent, the coffee having already boiled. He reached over and re-boiled the coffee, waiting for it to be done this time. Once it was ready, he reached up to the top cupboard to grab a mug, as he did a pain shot down his back again. Alec quickly grabbed the cup and placed it on the counter, placing his hands on the edge of the counter to steady him. Alec pushed himself off the counter, straitening his back pushing the pain away. He poured the coffee into his mug and turned around, looking out the window towards the ground below. The streets were mostly empty, a few people walking around, going in opposite directions, and weaving in and out of each other. Alec took a sip of his coffee, he watched as a man ran down the street, headphones in his ears. Alec followed the man for a while, as his eyes followed the man, the guy took a turn down an alleyway. He tried to move his eyes but they kept focused on the alleyway. He couldn’t see far into it, some large bins at the front, a silver chain fence and some rubbish. He felt a twist in his stomach, a pain in his back and ankle. Alec quickly turned himself around from the street, walking past the living room to his bedroom. He quietly closed the door behind him, making sure not to wake his sister. He went to his cupboard and pulled it open. He stared at the clothes for a moment, unsure what to grab. Pure logic told Alec to grab his normal clothes, grab a shower, walk to the university, do the counselling and get better.

Alec gave a small scoff as if it was that easy, he wished it was. He wished he could just tell himself to do something and it would happen, no fighting, no confusion. That wasn’t Alec’s life though, nothing simple, nothing easy. He reached out to grab a black t-shirt when he paused. He wanted to reach out, just grab the shirt Alec told himself, it wasn’t that hard. Alec clenched his hand, his knuckles turning white. Alec suddenly pivoted on his feet, turning away from the cupboard. He brought his hands up and squeezed his temples. Why did he make that call? What did Alec think was going to happen. As Alec walked around the room, his ankle began to ache again. Alec felt himself becoming frustrated, the familiar feeling rising in his chest, his body becomes tense like everything wanted to move, his jaw tightened, he bit the inside of his cheek. He needed something, he needed some sort of release Alec thought. Before Alec could stop himself the thought started banging inside his head, his obvious go to answer. What he had done for years when he was stressed. “No, no, no” Alec muttered, pushing the thought away as quickly as he could, but it was already there, sitting in the front of his mind, not moving. He quickly walked to the cupboard and grabbed his Nike running top and threw it onto the bed, he then roughly pulled his draws open and grabbed his black joggers. He quickly got changed, pulling the t-shirt over his head, and pulling the joggers on. He grabbed the phone from his other clothes and slipped it into his pocket. As on autopilot, he walked back into the living room, slipping on his black Nike trainers. Finally, he grabbed his keys and running jacket walked out the apartment.

As Alec got into the lobby he quickly grabbed his phone, texted Izzy that he was out with Jace for the day, not wanting her to worry. He slipped the phone back into his pocket and walked out into the street. The morning air was cold and for a moment his frustration was gone; Alec rubbed his hands together trying to keep them warm. He looked down the street, both still being fairly empty. He grabbed the headphones that he always kept in his running jacket and plugged them into his phone, clicking on his usually running playlist. Alec hadn’t listened to it since he was in Washington, Alec didn’t recognise the first song that came on like his mind had pushed everything from there away. Alec flicked through the songs, but nothing satisfied him, the songs leaving a bad taste in his mouth. He pulled the headphones from his ears and stuffed them into the pocket. Alec gave one final look at the apartment before he took off running down the street.

Instantly Alec’s ankle screamed in protest. Alec clenched his teeth, sure they would break if he clenched any harder. Alec wanted to stop, he had only run a short distance but his ankle already felt like it would give way, the pain spreading up his body. The pain was consuming, infecting his whole body, but Alec didn’t stop, he pushed himself harder, running faster and further. Alec breathed slow and steady, trying to concentrate on the running.

In

Out

In

Out

Alec kept going, occasionally closing his eyes while breathing. The pain intensified, but Alec didn’t care he kept going, faster he thought. As Alec ran down the street, he tried to clear his head, just thinking about the run. He wasn’t even sure where he was going, just running somewhere. Alec tried to push himself harder again but this time it was too much and before Alec knew it his ankle gave way. Alec quickly reached out to stop himself from falling to the ground. His hand caught the wall, Alec stumbled forward, unsure if he would fall or not. Alec finally came to a stop. He tried to walk forward but struggled, he took a large breath before putting his weight on the ankle, it screamed in protest but Alec ignored it. He kept walking forward, trying to silence the screams, after a while, Alec broke into a small jog. Everything in his body told him to stop, but like always; Alec ignored it. After a while, Alec started to push himself again. He tried to focus on the people around him, looking at them as he passed. It was mostly business people, on their way to work and a few other runners. As he kept running, he noticed there were more people, the streets becoming more crowded. As Alec turned the corner he understood why. Opposite him was the university. He stopped his run, looking at the large building. He looked around before continuing his jog across the road.

He entered the building, he walked down the halls which were still quite empty at this time. He pulled out his phone, 8:55. Alec continued his walk. He looked up at the signs;

Lecture Theatre’s 1a-1b 

Counsellor’s office and Health Office 

Lecture Theatre 2a-2b

Alec looked up at the signs and paused. He felt his ankle throbbing beneath him. Before he knew what he was doing he headed right. The hall way was quite empty, there was an 8am class that was probably about to finish. As Alec walked down the hall he came to room 3a; the counsellor's office. Alec was just stood outside the doorway. He wasn’t sure why he was stood there. He reached his hand out but found it froze. He pulled the hand back. Make an appointment, stick to it Alec thought. His father use to say that to him when he was a child. If you intended to do something then do it his father would say. Before Alec could get dragged further into his thoughts he heard a noise in front of him. He looked up from the ground to see a man stood in the door way. Alec froze.

“Are you Alexander Lightood?” The man asked, he had a british accent and was dressed sharply. Alec didn’t say anything he just looked at the man.

Say yes Alec thought.

“No,” Alec said.

Before he could gauge the mans response Alec turned around and walked the other way. As he did the large Lecture theatre doors opened causing Alec to jump, he moved further to the left, pressing himself against the wall away from the crowd. Alec just wanted to get out.

“Alec?” Alec registered his name was being called but didn’t do anything, didn’t react.

“Alec hey!” This time Alec turned around to see who was calling him. Bouncing towards him was Clary Fray, the girls fire hair collecting on her shoulders, draping around her. The girl had a large smile on her face, she looked bright and alive. She reminded him of a young Izzy, bright eyes and bouncing everyway. Izzy never walked as a child, she bounced, going from one place to another always wearing a smile. She had lost that, Alec had lost that. The lightwood children had lost their brightness a long time ago. He envied Clary; it was like she was in this bubble, where the world was good and safe. There being no reason not to smile.

“Alec?” Clary asked as she approached him.

“Hey sorry” Alec replied, pulling himself from his thoughts.

“How are you?” Clary asked.

Alec started to walk down that hallway, Clary walking next to him. “Yeah I’m-I’m good, you?”

The girl nodded her head, pushing some hair from her face, tucking it behind her ear. “Yeah I’m good thanks, you here for a Lecture?” She asked.

“Uhh no, no,” Alec said. Clearly Jace hadn’t told her he had stopped class, Alec was thankful for that. “I was-I-I…you know what never mind” Alec shook his head, not even attempting to try and explain why he was here, himself not even knowing, “I’m guessing you had one?” Alec asked.

The girl laughed. “Yeah, if someone told me an art degree would consist of 8am lectures I would tell them there crazy, yet here I am”

Alec gave a small chuckle back. He liked Clary and could see why Jace did as well. She had something about her. You felt comfortable around her, accepted. Alec wasn’t sure if that was just her nature or if something had caused her to be like that. Alec wondered if at one point she felt unaccepted, and unsafe and wanted to make sure others never felt like that. “Um listen” Alec started. “I’m sorry about your house” Clary gave him a confused look, unsure what he was referring to. “Jace mentioned there was a lot of blood and mess and-“

She held her hand up in the air. “Oh Alec please you don’t have to apologise,” She said, a small laugh behind it. “It was an accident, anyway simon got some bleach on it and it was gone,” She said, giving Alec a smile.“I’m just glad you’re okay, Jace was so worried about you” She said, a hint of serious behind her voice, the first time he had heard that from her. Alec still felt a pang of guilt from that night. He never meant to cause Jace to worry, he had been so caught up in his own stuff he didn’t think about Jace. Alec did that a lot, he sometimes forgot how his actions effected others, how they caused them to worry and panic.

The pair got to the end of the hallway and exit, walking outside onto the campus. The air had got slightly warmer now, the clouds parting letting the sun creep thorugh. Clary turned to face Alec, her arms folded over her chest, her art book underneath. “I was going to stop in Jace’s quickly before my next class for some breakfast, you wanna come?”

Alec shook his head, looking at the ground. “I don’t want to intru-“

“You’re not intruding, I’m inviting you” She playfully said. “I’ll only be there for 30mins or so, Jace will need someone to keep him occupied after I’m gone seeing as he has no classes today” Clary joked, a hint of jealously. “He’d love to see you?” She quietly said. Alec looked up at her, she had a large smile, her eyebrows raised.

“Alright” Alec quietly said, a small smile now on his face.

Her smile grew, she turned around and started walking towards Jaces, Alec following next to her. “We can stop and get some coffee before we get there,” She said, she turned to say something else to Alec when she frowned. “Hey is your leg okay?” She asked with concern.

Alec hadn’t realised he had started limping again. “Oh yeah, yeah its fine, I just pulled it while running nothing serious” Alec calmly lied. Clary looked at him for a moment before continuing on her path. Alec concentrated on walking without a limp, only causing the ankle to ache more.

The walk to Jace’s wasn’t long. The pair had stopped in the university coffee shop to grab some coffees. Clary had persuaded Alec to grab some food, saying he should eat after running. He just grabbed a sandwich, although he wasn’t really feeling hungry. They spoke as they walked into Jace’s building, Alec was surprised at how easy it was to talk to Clary, he hadn’t really paid much credence to her, he didn’t dislike her he was just indifference. He was like that with most people. The lift opened and they stepped out in the hallway. Alec had missed this hallway, he hadn’t been away for long and he hadn’t even been in the dorm for long but he missed it. It felt like his like he was in control of it and what happened there. Clary stopped in front of the door, using her free hand to reach out and softly knocked on the door. After only a short moment the door opened, a smiling Jace on the other side. Alec was round the rounder so Jace couldn’t see him. Jace leaned forward and kissed Clary. As they parted Clary held the coffee towards Jace, he went to grab them when he noticed there were three cups, he gave Clary a confused look, his eyebrows pulled together. “I hope you don’t mind I brought someone with me” Alec took that as his cue, He pushed himself off the wall making himself visible to Jace. The worried look for Jace’s face disappeared. He gave a wide smile and pulled Alec into a sideward hug, which caught Alec off guard.

“Heyy!” Jace laughed as they parted.

“I bumped into Alec on the way here and thought you’d like to see him,” Clary said as she walked into the dorm. Alec followed her in and closed the door behind him. Jace placed the coffee on his desk, which was covered in in paper work and plastic coffee cups. Jace pulled out his desk chair and cleared more paper work from it, dumping them onto the floor. Clary walked over and sat on Jace’s bed, grabbing a pillow and placing it in her lap. Alec walked over to his side of the bedroom and grabbed his desk chair, his desk a complete contrace to Jace’s. He wheeled it over, placing the chair at the end of Jace’s bed.

“For a minute there I thought you meant you’d brought Simon along and I was considering closing the door” Jace joked, sitting down on his now clear chair. A pillow smacked Jace in the head before falling to the floor; Jace gave a loud laugh as he picked it up from the floor, looking over at Clary who had a playful grin on her face. “Don’t say that,” Clary said, half joking.

“You said you liked him” Alec admitted, Jace gave him a glare as Clary leaned forward on the bed.

“I knew you liked him” She teased. Alec gave a smile as Jace clenched his jaw; pretty sure the pillow Jace was holding was going to be hitting him next.

Jace chucked the pillow on the bed, leaning back on the chair, crossing his arms over his chest. “I said he wasn’t half bad lets not over react, ‘like him’ is a pretty strong word” Jace sarcastically replied, trying to sound serious.

“He likes you,” Clary said, crossing her legs on the bed.

“Yeah, everyone likes me” Jace teased, making Clary roll her eyes. Alec gave a laugh as he stood up from his chair, Alec quickly reached out to grab his chair to steady himself, feeling his leg jerk as he stood. He quickly looked around to see if Clary and Jace had noticed but they were looked in their own conversation not paying any attention to Alec. He turned around and started to head to his section of the room being careful not to put too much pressure on his foot and equally not give away he was in pain. “Don’t worry I haven’t moved anything” Alec’s area was exactly the same as it was when he left, his bed covers even in the same position. He felt a small ache in his chest. He wanted to be back here. Its not like he disliked living with Izzy and his mother. He just felt, Alec wasn’t sure what he felt. When he was with them he felt the same, he like he was at their old house, he felt 16 again. Alec turned around and started to walk back towards Jace and Clary. As he did he noticed some drawings above Jace’s bed. Some odd symbols and shapes. He turned his head to the side, trying to process what they were.

“Clary drew them” Jace spoke, also looking up at the pictures. Alec walked closer to them, his hands grasped behind his back. He walked until he was a few feet away, the symbols were strange, they were quite small, all different. Some were simple, one looking like a eye with a swirl on the inside, another like a ‘Z’ with a line through the middle. Alec looked at the other page, there were more of the shapes, one stood out, Alec didn’t understand why it stood out to him, he noticed there was some writing underneath it: Parabatai.

Alec wasn’t sure what it meant, having never heard the word before.

“There just some rough sketches,“ Clary said, coming to stand next to Alec, her arms crossed over her chest.

“What are they?” Alec quietly asked, still studying the symbols.

“They're just some ideas for a graphic novel Simon and I are writing” Clary replied. Alec looked over at her. She had her head bowed, her arms crossed over her shoulder. She looked nervous.

“There really good,” Alec said, turning to her.

Clary raised her head, pushing a piece of hair out of her face. “Really?” She sounded surprised, a small smile on her face.

“What does this mean?” Alec asked, nodding his head towards the symbol with the word Parabatai underneath it.

Clary followed Alec’s eyes to the symbol. “It’s a rune” She quietly said, it was unusual for the girl to be quiet, her head went down again, her hand moving the failing strains away. “In the book, these warriors draw them on them to give them power, this one bounds two warriors together for life, allowing them to share power and feel each other pains and emotions and-Its just a rough idea.” She finished, giving a small cough.

“Think we should get one Alec?” Jace called from the other side of the bed. Alec looked over at Jace; he was led out on the bed, looking at his arms, as planning where to the tattoo would go. Alec gave a small laugh before looking back at Clary.

She under folded her arms, placing them in her back pockets before turning away and walking back towards the bed. “There just the rough sketches, we’re still working on it”

It was odd seeing Clary unsure, he hadn’t know her long, and hadn’t really spoke to her much but every time he saw her she was always so sure of her self, an air of confidence around her. When she spoke about her art, it seemed to disappear. “It sounds really good” Alec said, still looking at all the pictures, his head moving between them all. “Really interesting” He turned around; Clary was sat on the edge of the bed looking up at Alec.

“Thank you Alec” She replied, a sincerely smile across her face.

“I think that’s the nicest thing I’ve ever heard you say” Jace joked. Alec turned away from the art, giving Jace a scowl, to which Jace just smiled at.

“Anyway I should get going, I need get to my next class” Clary sighed. She stood up from the bed and grabbed her bag off the floor. Alec quickly turned back towards the art to give Jace and Clary their privacy. “I’ll see you tonight” Clary quietly said, Jace said something back to her but he couldn’t hear, whatever it was it made Clary laugh. “Nice to see you Alec” Clary called.

Alec turned around and gave a nod in her direction. Clary gave Jace a finale smile before walking towards the door and leaving.

Alec turned towards Jace, who was sat on his bed. Alec walked over and sat on Jace’s desk chair that was facing the bed. “How you doing?” Jace asked, crossing his legs on the bed. Alec looked over at Jace; he was looking down in his lap. His face seemed slightly serious as he played with the hem of his shirt. Alec was use to this, people asking if he was okay or alright, trying to sound casual, but underneath they were really asking if he was doing okay, not in the moment but if he was feeling like doing something stupid, or was about to have a panic attack. Jace looked up from his lap, clearing noting Alec’s silence.

Alec reached his hand up, rubbing his face, his eyes working to stay open. “Yeah I’m alright, you?” Days like this Alec hated. He wasn’t outwardly upset or angry, he wasn’t full of rage like he was last night. He just felt, nothing. His mind felt quiet, like everything had shut down.

“Yeah I’m-I’m good” Jace interrupted Alec’s thought. “Got no classes today so just working through my notes” As Jace spoke he gestured to the pile of paper on the floor, there was pieces of paper falling out of note books and folders, pens and highlighters clipped to odd pieces of paper and littered on the flood. Jace was about to say something when a small beep interrupted him, Jace reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. Alec studied Jace’s face as he read the message, a smile broke on Jace’s face.

“She’s nice” Alec admitted. Jace looked up from his phone, giving Alec a confused look. “Clary” Alec replied. Jace typed a message back before placing the phone on the desk next to him.

“How did you know it was her?” Jace laughed.

“You smiled” Alec honestly replied. It was true, Alec had only seen Jace and Clary together a couple of times but every time Jace had this smile on his face, Alec couldn’t quite explain it, it was a different smile than the one he had for Alec and others, it was a smile just for Clary.

“She said it was nice to see you” Jace smiled, leaning over to grab his coffee off the table. Alec gave a smile back, he was about to say something when his own phone starting ringing. He reached into his pocket and pulled his phone out. Magnus bane flashed across the screen. Alec didn’t move, his tired eyes suddenly became awake, as if someone had poured ice water on them. The phone kept ringing; Alec didn’t move his hands, why wasn’t he picking it up? Alec enjoyed talking to Magnus; he made himself safe and happy. Yet Alec was just staring at his phone making no attempt to answer it. Before Alec could make himself answer the phone stopped ringing.

“Everything okay?” Jace asked, clearly unsure why Alec had just started at his ringing phone.

“Yeah, yeah it was Magnus,” Alec said, still looking down at his now silent phone. He gripped the phone a bit tighter before putting it in his pocket.

“Your friend?” Jace asked. He remembered Magnus answering the phone when he was looking for Alec after Clary’s party. Jace had called him Alec’s friend but Jace was sure there was something else to it. Last time Jace asked Alec about Magnus he said it was complicated and they hadn’t spoke about it since, but just like before, Alec had that same look in his face, like for a split second the weight of the world wasn’t beating him down.

“No, he’s not my friend” Alec quickly said before he knew what he was saying. He realised how it sounded and tried to correct himself, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. “I mean yeah he’s my friend but he’s uh, he’s my…” Alec had no idea how he was meant to finish that sentence. What were he and Magnus; Alec had no idea? They weren’t friends, Alec was sure of that but what were they then? They weren’t dating, they weren’t friends. Alec stood up from the chair, rubbing the palm of his hand as he walked, looking down at the floor. “I don’t know what he is” Alec quietly admitted.

“Why don’t you ask him?” Jace said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Alec stopped in his tracks, it seemed so simple; just ask him. Go to Magnus and ask him what they were, what Magnus wanted them to be. Alec wished he could be like that, just be able to ask someone a question like that without any fear whatsoever. Alec had no idea what Magnus would say, what did Alec wanted Magnus to say, he didn’t just want to be friends with Magnus but could he be anything more.

“Listen” Jace quietly said, Alec heard as Jace stood up from the bed and walked around to where Alec was standing, he leaned against the bed frame, his arms crossed over his chest. “I know how you feel. When I met Clary…I didn’t know what to do, there was this beautiful, smart, kind girl that I wanted to be with, but on the other hand, I’ve seen what broken hearts do to people and…I didn’t know if I could handle that” Alec looked up from the ground to see Jace, looking quite serious, his voice also reflecting that. Heartbreak was an odd thing. When most people think of it, they picture movies and films heartbreak, people crying in their rooms for a day or two, writing in their diaries and eating ice cream before everything works out okay, but that’s not how real heartbreak works. It's ugly and messy, it destroys people and families. Alec had never felt such heartbreak and pain after what happened to Max. Alec had never experienced heartbreak in terms of relationship, but he had experienced heartbreak from losing someone he loved and he couldn't go through that again. “But I took and chance and It was worth it,” Jace said, his voice even more serious than before. The boys locked eyes for a moment. Jace meant what he was saying and Alec could tell. It seemed like something clicked in Jace’s mind, his face changed slightly. He uncrossed his arms, clearing his throat before he spoke. “Does he know, about-“ Jace paused, clearly unsure if he should be asking this. He slowly nodded his head forward toward Alec’s wrist. A white bandage was still wrapped around his wrist, the one on his hand no longer there, the wound no longer open and raw.

The air suddenly became slightly uncomfortable. Alec turned around from Jace and walked towards Jace’s desks chair, taking a seat down. He looked up at Jace, the boy looked worried, he was looking at Alec, his fingers fidgeting, Alec took a large breath, looking down at the floor, his eyes darting to his bandage before going back down. “Yeah, yeah he knows, he’s been helping” Alec quietly says, the room is silent, Alec can hear Jace’s footsteps as he sits down on the bed close to Alec. “He was there after everything went wrong at Clary’s party, he bandaged my hand and made sure I was okay” Alec gave a small smile, that night was pretty high up on his list of worse nights, but thinking of that still put a slight smile on his face, remembering his brief conversation with Magnus before everything went wrong. How when Alec woke up Magnus had calmed him down and gave him coffee and pancakes. The small smile drop slightly “He’s, he’s put up with a lot” Alec quietly said.

Alec heard Jace a small sigh. “Alec, It’s not putting up with, you’re not a burden to people” Alec looked up at Jace, his face was void of all emotions except one; honesty. “Do you care about him?” Jace asked, leaning forward on his elbows, which rested on his knees.

“Yeah, I do,” Alec said, not needing to ponder this questions.

“Then tell him,” Jace said.

“It’s not that easy,” Alec said; but it was. He should just tell Magnus that he cared about him, but something was stopping him. He didn’t know what it was, something kept pulling him away from doing that.

“What are you afraid is going to happen?” Jace quietly asked. Alec looked at Jace, what was he afraid was going to happen. Alec remembered when was younger and he would watch his parents, watch how they would laugh and smile together, they would be in there own little world. Like Jace, his father had a special smile for his mother, one that would make his mother melt. He remembered thinking they were perfect for each other, remembered how they said they loved each other and couldn’t live without each other; now his parents were getting divorced, his mother couldn’t stand to be around his father, even when they were still together, his father didn’t tell Maryse he loved her any more, his special smile for her gone. His parents cared about each other, but it didn’t stop they from resenting each other, from losing each other.

“Just because you care about someone doesn’t mean it’s going to work” Alec quietly admitted.

Jace seemed to think about this, for a moment Alec thought Jace was going to back down, but instead he moved slightly closer to Alec, taking a deep breath. He looked nervous, scared. Alec was going to ask if he was okay when Jace finally spoke. “You know when I was younger, my father; before he died, use to tell me that to love is to destroy” Jace gave a small bitter smile at end, he looked down at his hands, his thumb was nervously rubbing his palm.

Jace hated this story. He never told. Before this day he hadn’t spoke of it, not even to Clary. Jace thought if anyone could understand; it would be Alec. “He made me have this bird, care for it, grow to love it and, and then he killed it to prove a point”

Alec was taken aback. As he looked at Jace, he felt his chest ache for the boy. If his father was willing to do that, he couldn’t imagine what else he did. There was a pain in his eyes, clearly remembering the memory in his mind. Alec had originally felt for Jace when he mentioned his father had died, but after that story Alec realised that maybe it was actually a blessing in disguise. “The reason I’m telling you this is because my father shaped me into some that believed love was the enemy, and it took me while to learn that it wasn’t” Alec didn’t know what to say. He looked over at Jace, the boy now had his head looking down, his eyes fixated on his hands. Alec reached his arm out and carefully gripped Jace’s shoulder. Jace looked up from the floor. Alec gave the boy a thankful smile and carefully squeezed his shoulder. Alec sat back in his chair.

“You know, every time I come here you seem to give me some advice” Alec joked.

Jace smiled back, standing up from the bed. “I’m just a great guy like that” His cocky smile back on his face. “So how did you meet Magnus?” Jace asked as he walked over to his cupboard, pulling the handle open.

“We meet at this café on the first day of university, he came up to me and started taking and then I saw him again in my class, he sat in front of me” Alec smiled as he relayed the story to Jace. It was hard to believe that was only a week or two ago.

Jace pulled a grey jumper from cupboard, pulling it on. “Cute” Jace teased. Jace sat back down on the bed “He sounds like a great guy” He reassured Alec. Jace took another sip of his coffee. “So have your parents met Magnus?”

“No, no, they uh, they barely even know he exists” A wave of guilt washed over Alec. Magnus was a big part of Alec’s life at the moment and neither of his parents knew anything about him. It made sense for his father not to know anything but Maryse...she had known about the self-harming for a while now but still only knew Magnus name and that was it.

“What about Izzy?” Jace asked.

“Yeah she knows about him, we went out for the day with Magnus” Alec replied.

“You going to tell your parents about him?” Jace cautiously asked. “I mean, do they know?” Jace followed up. Alec looked up at him, he understood what Jace was referring to, in order for his parents to know about Magnus they’d have to know he was gay.

“Yeah, they do now” Alec quietly said.

“When did you tell them,” Jace said.

Alec quickly looked over at him. Jace shook his head. “Sorry that was-that was too personal” He gave Alec an awkward smile.

Alec thought. “I told them…” Alec found he couldn’t remember when he told them, everything over the last week had been such a blur, every day just blending into one. He tried to work back in head, it taking him longer to separate the days than he would of liked to. Eventually Alec got the days straight in his head. “Three days ago”

“Three days ago?!” Jace said, his face clearly showing his surprise. “Sorry I didn’t meant that like, I mean I just thought-“

“They already knew?” Alec finished. He shook his head. “Yeah, no I, I didn’t tell them” Three days ago, that was it. Alec couldn’t believe it had only been three days since that day.

“What made you tell them?” Jace said, sitting forward on the bed.

Alec bit the inside of his mouth. ”I got into an argument with my dad, we were yelling and trying to piss each other off so I decide to tell him something I knew would…I don’t know, it all kind of got out of control” Alec cleared his throat, looking down at his lap. Alec was partly glad he told his parents, no longer hiding inside himself. Alec had always known; since he was younger he had known. He never told anyone but he was sure Izzy already knew. On the other hand, it wasn’t how he wanted it to come out; he wanted to tell Izzy and his mom when he was ready, not in a fit of anger.

“Was he angry when you told him?”

Alec thought about that question. Thinking about that day, Alec can still feel the pain radiate up his back, Alec reached up and gripped his neck, not looking at Jace as he spoke. “Yeah you could say that” Alec quietly said.

He heard Jace curse under his breath. “I’m sorry Alec, that- I mean I can’t even imagine what that must be like” Alec looked over at Jace, a sad smile on his face.

“Its not like I was expecting it to go any other way.” It was true; Alec knew his father wasn’t going to be happy, he knew he would be angry and disappointed. He heard what his father had to say about the couple in the restaurant when they went out to eat. He wasn't expecting his father to embrace it, but he wasn't expecting it to happen like that, he didn't think his father would push him like that. Robert had never been physical like that before, he'd thrown stuff, but he had never laid his hands on anyone in the family. Alec felt something vibrate in his pocket; he reached in and pulled his phone out.

_Alexander, I was just wondering if you fancied having dinner at my apartment tonight, if not then I understand but it would be lovely to see you xx_

“Magnus?” Alec heard Jace say. Alec looked up from the message to see a smirking Jace, Alec was about to asked how he knew but Jace beat him to it. “You smiled” Jace teased. Alec felt a small wave of heat wash over his face, a small smile appeared on his face. Alec hadn't thought about that. Did Alec have a smile for Magnus; did Magnus have one for him?

“He wants to do dinner tonight” Alec confessed, still looking down at the message that was lit upon his phone. Alec thought about what he was going to say, Alec had a great time with Magnus on their date, and he wanted to see him again but there was still something pulling him back. What if Magnus asked how it went with his dad, what would Alec say? Would he lie, would he tell the truth?

“Alec” Jace spoke up. Alec looked up form his phone to see Jace looking at him. “Go to dinner with him” His voice wasn’t aggressive, he had a small smile on his face, one corner of his mouth pulled up. Alec gave a small sigh; he looked down at his phone. “I can type the message if you want?” Alec narrowed his eyes at Jace, giving him a sarcastic look. Jace gave a small laugh. Alec re read the message on his phone.

_Alexander, I was just wondering if you fancied having dinner at my apartment tonight, if not then I understand but it would be lovely to see you xx_

It would be lovely to see Magnus as well, it had only been a day but he missed him. Being with Magnus changed Alec; he didn't feel stressed or angry when he was around him. Magnus presents made Alec feel safe. Alec took one finale breath before replying to the message.

_Sounds good, see you tonight, I’ll message you when I’m on my way_

Alec clicked send and quickly put his phone back in his pocket before he thought too much about it. He looked up at Jace, who gave him a reassuring nod, ensuring him he had done the right thing, although Alec still had his doubts. “You’ll have a great time,” Jace said, he then sat up on the bed crossing his arms over his chest. “Also” Jace loudly announced, causing Alec to jump slightly. “As your friend, room mate and according to Clary, Parabatai” Jace lifted his hand up towards the Parabatai drawing above him for emphasise. “I will need to meet him at some point” Jace nodded his head, giving Alec a mock serious look. Alec laughed, shaking his head slightly.

“I’ll see what I can do” Alec replied as he smiled.

“Good” Jace smiled, giving Alec a wink. Alec shook his head at Jace, smiling. Alec looked around the room, he missed it, and he missed living with Jace, talking to him during the day or after class. He and Jace hadn't played basketball in a few days and he missed it, playing basketball relaxed him, like running it helped him to concentrate. It wasn’t till he started living with his mother and Izzy that he realised how close he and Jace had grown and how much Alec relied on him. Alec appreciated all the advice he had given Alec, and he had given him a lot.

“Hey Jace” Alec quietly said, his looking down at his sleeves.

“Yeah?” Jace replied, matching Alec’s quiet tone.

“Is it alright if I move back in?” Alec quietly said, looking down at the floor.

“Of course Alec I mean its your room as well, you sure your ready to come back?” Jace asked, leaning forward on the bed, facing Alec.

“Yeah, yeah I think being here” Alec paused, looking around the room. “Its helps” He confessed. Even though this was the place he had messed up and had struggled in, it was also the place where he had Jace, someone he could trust. It was also his own, Alec wasn't going to let a few bad memories ruin this room for him.

“Well, just let me evicted the people I’ve been subletting it to and then you can move back in” Jace joked, trying to sound serious.

Alec looked up from the floor, watching as Jace tried to keep a straight face. “Half that money is mine by the way” Alec replied, matching Jace’s serious tone, playing along with the joke.

“No chance in hell,” Jace said, shaking his head.

“How about if you beat me in basketball you can keep it all?” Alec mocked, one side of his mouth going up, losing the false serious face he had. 

Jace tried to give Alec a scowl but like Alec, he couldn't keep his serious facade up. “Now that’s uncalled for,” Jace said as he laughed, leaning back on the bed.

Alec gave a smile as well. He pushed himself off the chair, careful to make sure he didn’t put to much pressure on his ankle, worried it would give way. "I should get going, looks like you've got a lot of work to get through" Alec says, pointing towards the large pile of paper work surrounding Jace’s area.

Jace shook his head, squinting his eye’s slightly. "Yeah, yeah, I'm kinda screwed on that front" He gave a little laugh, a hint of worry behind it.

Alec stood up from his seat, clenching his teeth slightly, pushing the pain to the back of his mind. He pulled the sleeves of his jumper down, covering the white bandage. "Good luck with your work” Alec said, giving a little laugh at Jace’s predicament “I'll be back tomorrow with my stuff" When Alec said his stuff, he meant the few clothes he took with him when he left, Alec hadn’t really thought about it when he went to live with Izzy and his mom, he really didn’t know how long he was going to be there. Alec thought being around Izzy and his mom would make himself feel better it didn’t, and Alec didn’t know why.

Jace stood up, uncrossing his arms from his chest. "Looking forward to it, I'll see you then room mate" Jace joked, giving Alec a wink. Alec laughed as he carefully walked towards the door, leaning on his good ankle more; trying not to give away he was doing so. Jace followed Alec towards the door. Alec reached forward and opened the door about to walk about when Jace spoke.

“Alec," Alec turned around and leaned against the doorframe, crossing his arms over his chest looking at Jace.

Jace was looking directly at Alec, his face looked serious. Alec suddenly felt nervous unsure what Jace had to be serious about. "Remember, it’s not the enemy” Jace slowly said, keeping his eyes on Alec.

Alec wasn’t sure what to say. He gave Jace a reassuring nod, telling him he understood. Jace gave him a smile before leaning forward and gripping Alec’s shoulder, like Alec had done earlier, giving it a squeeze. Jace gave Alec on final pat on the shoulder before walking back towards his desk. Jace waved his hand in the air in a final goodbye. “See you tomorrow bud” Jace called, sitting down in his desk chair, staring down at the massive pile of notes before him.

“See you” Alec called, pushing himself off the doorframe and walking out of the room, reaching forward and pulling the door closed. As soon as it did Alec leant against it, the pain in his ankle starting to become more unbearable. Alec knew he hadn’t broken it, he had done that as a child and while this pain was similar it wasn’t quite it. For a moment Alec thought he might have fractured something, his ankle being weaker since he broke it. Alec hopped that he had just bruised it badly, he hadn’t really looked at it yet, he’d have to do that when he got back to the flat. Alec realised that he had been leaning on Jace’s door for a little too long. He carefully pushed himself off the doorframe and started to walk towards the lift at the end of the hall. Alec pushed the button and stepped inside, the doors closing behind him.

_Love isn’t the enemy_

Alec thought about what Jace had said. He had never thought that love was the enemy, but he had seen what it had done. His parents loved each other and now they hated each other, he had and still does love Max but that didn’t stop Alec from losing Max, he loved Izzy yet he still was pushing her away. Love wasn’t the enemy but love always lead to lose as far as Alec was concerned, he had never seen it end any other way and Alec was done with losing people he cared about.

However Jace was right, Alec did care about Magnus, a lot, and he wanted to be around him. Jace himself admitted he thought love was the enemy but took a chance with Clary and said he wouldn’t take it back, no matter the out come. Alec wasn’t sure he could do that, go into something knowing it could lead to heartbreak. Magnus made Alec feel good, and valuable and maybe it would lead to heartbreak in the end and maybe he would get hurt. But after meeting Magnus, for once in his life, Alec could imagine taking that risk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed guys and as always feel free to leave your comments I really appreciate them! 
> 
> Also, remember if you have any prompts for me, feel free to comment below! - A♥


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